Because Banghim is my biggest ship, thats why.

------

I say that there are different sorts of people in the world. Some of them are still young, some of them are too old and retard. Some of them are soft and gentle, while some of them are cruel and cold hearted.
Everybody wants a difference, a mark, a sign, a signature that changes them from the rest of the world; and I have always observed that no one is like the other completely. To impress me of such difference, to make my gut admit that ‘Ah, yes, he’s the one…’ it will take more than just one or two lucky strikes to hit the jackpot. Maybe that’s why I never really fell in love.

Me?
I like to believe I am not just your plain ordinary university student to be graduated this year, but all in all – I just add up to the crowd. It’s sometimes not fair how I want someone so outstanding and bright to be the someone I’d admire when I myself just dissolve into the crowd, but that was human nature. It was always normal for humans to reach out for the stars.

For the moment though; I stood out, just like a bright star.

There’s an ugly past of mine, when I was fat, and wore thick glasses; when I actually had good grades in school. But I ended that life for good, ending the bullies and assaults along with that closed chapter. The only reminder of the horrible times is the deep scar on my chest, when one of my class-mates pushed me off a staircase, making me fall into a upside down chair, a metal leg piercing through my chest, scraping a good amount of skin that it never healed completely.

The shock was bad enough I had to go for therapy.
And it helped.

I was popular now, in university – as a student with good-looks, a perfect height, a deep, raspy voice and for some reason my messy, uneven hair turned out to be my trademark. They called it raven-hair. I was the raven-haired boy straight out from your shojo-manga.

I really had no reason to be gay.
Girls were throwing themselves at my feet.
And yes, I took my chances with almost all of them.
Each of them were different and I respected that, I treated them right when I was with them but, in the main picture, when everyone was just everyone…. None of them were bright enough.

They didn’t bring a spark to me and they didn’t interest me. Not enough for me to follow.

Maybe, that’s when I realized what I really wanted.

A light that I can follow. Someone who can show me way and guide me. Someone I can lay myself upon without doubts. Someone who can win space in my heart to leave no room behind.

Someone I can stand stark in front of; both physically and morally. Someone who will still shine their light upon me when mine is fading into the darkness. Everything about me was always unwillingly frail. I wanted a hand as equally as strong as mine. A hand whose warmth will warm me as much as I can warm theirs.

But I doubted if such someone would exist.
Are my standards too high?
 

This was when I slowly gave up on my dating frenzy.
When I realized I wanted to settle down and drown in love. Drown in someone who can bathe me with a feeling that will surpass the all in all image of everyone. A character that can outshine the rest of the little blurs.

Frustration was what my heart pumped around my body for a whole year of isolation. Or more, a whole year of blindness. The one I had been searching for had been next-door since forever. He was a student who worked a lot for a health-care program in the university, with a sincere smile that gave me goosebumps. It had a trace of wickedness in it, that something about his thick lips and prominent gums had me staring at his face.

He got on stage once, and his voice was deep, posture perfect, speech elegant, spirit inside him so clear like crystal. Someone who had a dream of giving others dreams.

I learnt his name as Bang Yongguk.

An idol of an idol.

And soon I was following him around like a puppy, but the only reason he allowed me was that the girls like me and they follow the health-care-workshops. We were soon friends, and I still wasn’t gay.

Not even when I started to think his smile was charming, and his shoulder blades were really a godly-creation. Not when I realized he was one of the colored dots in the main picture of everyone all in all. Someone who was bright as the moon in a cradle of stars.

A dream I felt like chasing for a life-time.

Someone I dreamt of.

University didn’t last forever, and graduation ceremony became awfully close to somewhere after the next sunrise. The two of us were lying backs down on the campus ground after exhaustion; finally cleaning up the grounds of trash, like Yongguk had planned several months ago. Someone lost a bet with me today for me not doing it, and the two of could afford a bottle of mood-unfitting champagne with that.

We weren’t tipsy.

But staring at his  features, realizing that god-knows where he will be in another month, since he wanted to visit Africa so badly after graduation … it was coming down onto my thoughts like a mountain crumbling.

That tomorrow might be the last day I’d see any of him.

He’ve asked me before if I meant to continue my work as a health-care worker, but I never wanted to do that work. And So had I said no for it. I had confirmed that the two of us had no reasons what-so-ever to ever meet each other again.

Just like that the curtains were closing on us, like I had only found what I had been looking for.

When I placed my lips on his, fully aware of how bad things can crumble – all I could think of, was that if I wouldn’t now, then when would I?

All the conspiracies of wanting to drown in love vanished. All I wanted was to ravish the seconds I had left with him.
He’d be gone tomorrow…  he’d be gone tomorrow…. These lines were repeating themselves so effortlessly in my mind that when I lost control over the kiss I had placed on his lips, I didn’t even know if I cared for how he felt.

Just my lips against his, the slightly soft, thick pair of muscle, trying to savor a taste I had never wanted so badly before… holding his face in place so I had full permission to carry on stealing his breath … all of it lasted a ungracefully beautiful moment before his hands pushed me over.

“Are you drunk?!” he yelled, obviously mad.

I honestly had surprised myself at that point.

“I want to be with you Yongguk. I don’t know more than that.”

I confessed. When his expression softened, I knew I was crying again. “You’d leave.” I muttered.

And he hated it when I cried. Wiping my tears, I left him to the university ground.

That night never existed. It felt like a black hole sanity out of me. How should I face Yongguk? Can I pretend it just never happened? Can I pretend that my lungs felt full when I had my lips against his? Can I deny that this kiss I had once stolen I will to steal for a life time?

I cannot.

He was the someone I wanted in my life.
Can I ever pretend that best thing that ever happened to me in my life never did?

I cannot.
That forbidden kiss, I cannot deny. I cannot look away from how my toes curled at the sensation of your lips, Yongguk. I’m sorry. I wasn’t drunk either.

That’s why I skipped graduation ceremony.
Not really.

It was half past twelve O’ clock when somebody started to annoy me with the house bell, non-stop. Cursing I went to open it, only to reveal a rather messy-haired Yongguk who glared right down into my eyes.

My eyes sank, as I tried to close the door on him.

He barged in, giving me a scare in his loud, thudding steps – making me fall over nothing to the couch-arrangement behind me.

When he jolted himself downwards I thought he might slap me. My eyes were tightly closed when he raided on my lips with his own.

There were no gasps for air, no breaths of breathing. He was so impatient and driven by instinct that my clothes were peeled off before I noticed him taking things this far. When I stopped him, protested a bit and looked into his eyes, mine full of tears and doubt.

“You took so ing long I thought I’d die without you.”