A drabble, a bit angsty. Himup

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Most stories start from the beginning.
Mine is better off being started in the end.
Why, you ask?

Because everything so far around me had only consumed me, and now all of it has finally ended. Kim Himchan in my life, has walked away, no strings attached. Or rather, it’s me who’s doing the walking out, in a literal sense, watching the salesman show around my house to the couple who’s here to buy it.

“Oh no, there’s a living room quite larger than this one upstairs as well, Mr. Joon. There’s an attached bathroom to it, a verandah that opens to the coast…” He continues as the guests nod their heads and walk around the house with them. I sigh, plugging my earphones tight, swiping through my playlists as I sit on the couch, waiting for the trucks to arrive. It’s scheduled at four PM and it should be here in a minute.

What a way to start, isn’t it. Giving up everything I had been doing so far, leaving my life behind and running away from memories… I see you’d call me a coward, then be it, as I have put up with enough in my life already. If have any bit of strength left, then I’d use to move out of this melodrama.

The doorbell rings, and I stand up mechanically to answer the movers, opening the front door in a blank expression. 

But Himchan always caught me off guard.

“Good morning.” He smiled, shifting on his toes awkwardly as I stared at his face.

“I’m surprised you have the cheek to be pressing my doorbell after everything.” I groan, holding the door open.

His smile stiffens, but he doesn’t say good bye. He never says goodbye.

“What is it?” I ask, rolling my eyes.

“I heard you were moving.” Himchan says, meeting my cold eyes.

“So?”

He sighs, rubbing his forehead and whines. “Jongup, don’t be like this. We’re friends, right?”

I scoff, crossing my hands. “Again with the friend . What is it? hurry.” I turn around walking in, and he invited himself in. “Jongup, please, you don’t have to move out. I know how much you tried to get yourself here, that…” Himchan sighs, his eyes rather empty without the usual twinkle in them. “It’s... not worth it.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at that.

Not worth it?
It is worth it.
Himchan knows damn well why I can’t pull myself together in this place, and it’s not worth it? I love you and it’s not worth it? To you, maybe. Or how else can I explain to myself why you played around with my feelings, and in the end, broke my heart, used me, and left, off to marry Bang Yongguk? Of course it’s not worth it to you. I should have known.

“It’s worth everything. If you’re here to ask me to stay, then forget it. Why can’t you just for once, Himchan, man yourself up and let me go?” I ask, honestly disappointed.

“Is that all I’m worth to you, Jongup?” Himchan stammers, his eyes turning watery. “I… thought we were friends, Jongup. I trusted you this far and now you just, leave… after everything?” He stiffens every second and I bite my lips hoping I wouldn’t lose control. Doesn’t he realize he’s being extremely unfair, acting this way?

Hopefully, before he could whine more, the couple to buy the house walks down the stairs; distracting Himchans’ keen eyes on me. I watch his eyes follow the couple and the happy salesman down the stairs and as I shake hands with them, who are happy to buy the house, Himchan stays silent. After the trio leaves the two of us alone again, Himchan walks closer, getting himself seated on the couch.

He looks over the packaged goods of the house and eyes my suitcase for the longest while and keeps his lips pursued. I sit by his opposite and watch him, like I always had, now that I think of it. He cut his fringe a bit again… it suited his sharp chin.

“I always liked this villa.” He sighs, with an obvious intention to change the topic. “I still can’t come to terms with why you have to leave everything…” but he always return to square one. In a sensible way, I feel like he deserves a punch, but if its love, it’s not always sensible. In the end, what I want to do is run away as well.  I can’t blame Himchan entirely. He never loved me, it’s not a fault.

“I want to start over Himchan.” I say, sighing.

His thin eyes are waiting eagerly for me to continue that I stand up, kneeling myself ahead of him. I always kneel ahead of him. It’s just been a little bit of time apart, that’s all. Your eyes are beautiful this way, looking down at me.

“From the beginning, again.”

“Then do, Jongup. You don’t have to go. You promised me you’d be here, if I want you, and … I feel as if you leave now, you’d never come back again. I’ll never see you again.”

His hands soon curl on my neck, and his eyes tear up again. “You promised.” He mutters, his voice raspy as his tears mixed into the mess.

“I kept to it, too, Himchan. You have Yongguk now.”

“Jongup! Don’t be ridiculous! True that I love him, but he’s not going to replace you. You’re more than just a friend to me, you know that. You’re my family, all I have…”

I sigh, standing up.

“Can’t you see already?”

It’s the end, after all.

“We crossed that line long ago.” I say in a deep sigh. “We crossed that line, between the two of us, as friends, as family, a very long time ago Himchan. I loved you, and you knew that.” I turn around to pick up my backpack, avoiding Himchans eyes.

“Jongup, please… if you could just listen…” He too sighs, rubbing his temples, possibly as he usually does when he’s frustrated. I shake my head.

“Himchan, please let me go.”

He turned a bit silent afterwards, and now my backpack was over my shoulder. “You’ve found your place and I need to find mine.” I turn to him, feeling my heart sinking, as he was crying, again. “And I have a feeling that if I stay here forever, I could never let go of you.”

“Don’t Jongup! Why, please, are you telling me you’re going to forget me? Move on? Never come back?”

“Himchan.” I keep him still on the couch by his shoulders, and regret crosses over my mind before I had by least, taken my leave, at all. His eyes, deep brown and chocolate, tears, and quivering lips… I’m going to leave here, forever. His thoughts and feelings that flip between what he wants and what he gets, I’m going to leave.

“There isn’t much I know.” I speak truthfully. “But all do know about, is that you’re hurting me, and I don’t want to live this way, because you will be happy, Himchan. Yongguk will take care of you, and we both know it. For once I need to be rational, and leave. I don’t know how well I could forget you but Himchan, I will try. I can’t sit here in an empty villa waiting for you who would never come back. Let me go, Himchan. I’m another person, too. You’ve treated me as if I’m half of you but let’s face it Himchan. Right now it’s just You, and Me. Not us. I have to go. Where to, in search of what, I don’t know. But I will go.”

"And I too, will move on, like you did, Himchan."