Redirecting.

-

Some struggle to gain, and some struggle to let go.
There’s always the internal battle to fight, the resistance to slow you down and gravity hold you in place.

I never really thought I would see you again, when we parted our ways – quite dramatically (Yes, I do think it’s the right adjective, Can you remember the clover you found in the grass that evening?), but with a sparkle never to be repeated. I wonder if you changed a lot – as much as the time that had passed between us then, and today, if you’re on the same page, as me. In my case, a couple of inches to give, only I haven’t changed at all. It’s quite boring to look back to, to see how I’ve spent ten years, so, I suppose it’s quite alright if I wouldn’t account myself from here on (Although I doubt if I can account you, at all).

If you can recall, the junior you rejected to share dorms with, Choi Junhong (As you predicted, he’s passed six feet now. I think he’s going to stick to the blonde hair, your efforts to were a waste, Yongguk) passed me your email address. I heard a bit about you from him, I will shrug probably, thinking you were expected of this excellence, undoubtedly. You worked too hard always (Paid off, I know what you’d say), and I couldn’t help but wonder. Who’s there to force you into swallowing breakfast anymore?

I visited a school reunion a week (this Thursday evening, actually. We all got drunk, bar after bar and turns out everybody took Friday off with a throbbing hangover…) and that’s where I met Junhong. Daehyun and Youngjae were there, and things had worked out for them. Daehyun didn’t say too much about his parents, I guess he still has issues with them, but Youngjae’s well – or comparatively, I suppose. As much as it may surprise you, they’ve gotten married.

I know, it sent me for a long while… Jongup was the one who noticed the rings, actually. He brought his girlfriend for the party and left really early, at about six, and he didn’t even take one sip of anything. I think it’s Jongup who went through a drastic change in life style… He lived with his grandpa back in the days (We used to joke on him a lot, remember? It was Daehyun who put that frog in his shoe one evening… he almost had a heart attack! It’s still ridiculous to think back on how he yelped and jumped right out of his shoes! And Jongup was mad at all of us for playing pranks on his grandpa… I think we had to buy him a new Album, Chris brown, I remember, to get ourselves started on apologizing. He was a tough nut, but not a bad nut, na mean?[Do you still talk like that, by the way?]) and the old chap passed away. It’s been about three years, and Jongup turned a little serious about life than previous. He’s not acting on his best behavior; he actually is on his best behavior. He’s much more reserved and I’m not so sure of how I like it.

In my case, several people walked in and walked out. After a bit of time passed I stopped searching, you know… Currently I’m focusing on my career here as a journalist, and it’s been working out well recently. I don’t have a particular focus but the less limited I am the more versatile I can become. (And turns out it’s a good thing, now. Ha.)

I’ve a cat. I call it Sebs, short for Sebastian. It’s quite a lot of company in my apartment, which, I moved into two years ago. My parents are staying behind in Mokpo and they insist not to bother me with my life in Seoul, although quite personally I’ve turned to a man walking into an empty house every evening.

I proposed to a girl last year, and she turned me down.

Her name’s Eunji, and we’ve been dating for about five, maybe six months… In case you’re wondering how she’s like, she’s just about an inch shorter and has sharp features. Her hair’s natural and she’s quite a smart lady. We fit into the picture frame, quite honestly I think.

I almost married her, trust me. That was until I got drunk in the Christmas party at the office and was flirting with my boss. If I didn’t kiss that guy, I probably would have never come out with my uality, and you’d have to guess about six months for my first child. I’m not quite sure if I’m happy or sad with the loss, or the gain, or both.
It’s awkward at work, because Eunji is always around (Although I think she’s not hurt, emotionally, her ego is certainly damaged and she makes sure to draw the lines and not consider forgiving me… even though it’s quite obvious we dated dutifully, not out of mutual attraction, or whatever reasons people date for, quite honestly) and suddenly I’m gay to everyone. Because of the kiss incident, my boss is treating me a little roughly than usual, but not to a level I can’t bear, probably because there’s that sideline ual frustration drawing us together… (I didn’t have to say that, now did I?)

…

You know, that ugly habit of mine of purposely ignoring topic of discussion and blabbering nonsense? I couldn’t really let that one go. Trust me, I’ve stopped biting my nails and I mend my shirt buttons when they come off. I’m much better than back in high school, actually. I take the knots off my ties and I roll them up like you pestered me to, every day. I wake up at sharp six fifty and I’m usually never late. There’s a tiny glitch of pride I’d bite down and swallow right now, because the only reason  I’ve grown out of habit into rule is because the somebody to pester me about them, and fix every single of my flaws while constantly complaining suddenly left.

Before he did, though, he left me a four leaf clover, and a kiss… (I was awake. I was mad at you, but I was awake. Don’t ask me why I kept silent, because that’s most certainly what you wanted me to do. You were leaving three week earlier to pack up in Busan and say goodbye to your relatives, and me knowing that you kissed me; would make no difference. I just thought it was the best. Because you had goals and I didn’t want my heart broken.) It did work, to some extent.

If I were to take advice then certainly at an age of Seventeen I couldn’t have loved you. I probably didn’t even know what that was. I would have wanted you, a day or another, or perhaps to have around as much as I would please, but I didn’t where to draw the lines, and I had no idea what line we had crossed. It’s hard to explain myself, you see, I don’t find myself pleased discussing about the past, or my inner thoughts. Both of them together make a terrible combination. All I know, is that it hurt, and it certainly hurt a lot.

How harsh you hit is how hard you fall, I guess. (My, what a late confession. Please do count it as one.)

I heard from your brother why you didn’t tell any of us the reason you planned out your exit so smoothly. I’m sorry, Yongguk. We all lack one thing or another and turns out I wasn’t as fitting as I thought I must have been, with you. Though we were attached, it wasn’t something you could hold dear, and though we behaved best of friends, I had never earned enough to be told everything to. Certainly I understand that it’s a childish demand, but do keep in mind I’m trying to put myself in shoes I wore ten years ago. I’ve turned much more introverted, believe it or not. I don’t think you’ve made a wrong choice.

In fact, it was best that you kept yourself to yourself. I hope you haven’t changed a lot, Yongguk.

Maybe I can visit you in Italy, sometime. I earn a lot of money I don’t know what to do with anyways. I’ll invest to meet an old friend anytime.

So, what I should have written in the top…

I’m sorry I never contacted you.
It just, .. gah.

Oh and I still haven’t made a wish on that clover. It’s in my purse, where you stuffed it in, still. (I’m hoping it would be the miracle to save somebody from cancer. #sarcasm)
It feels like a wish you granted that’s not wished for yet.

So, at the conclusion of an email that’s approx. 1500 words long, I’ve realized one thing I’ve done in my life properly is leaving things hanging. Honestly it’s not something I do purposely. I just prefer not to think too far on some subjects and it just doesn’t make sense because that’s exactly what I do, too.

It’s better late than never, is it not…?

Let’s be friends again.

(NextChapter is a continuation)