Bang Yongguk, to me, you own the world.

Where to start, I’m quite at loss. If it would first be your being, itself, your face, voice, shoulders, hands… or if it would be your light heart, or would it first be your colorful thoughts, I’m at loss. Whenever I spare the time to lock my eyes on you, your eyes focused far away, mingling with words, lyrics, raps, thoughts so colorful it blinds me to think of – I always, always think that you… you have no idea.

If I chuckled lightly at how you cheered around for an app game on your tablet, or how you would lengthen a sigh at an artist you adore, saying there’s so much more left for you to learn, I’m always left thinking, thinking, and thinking. About how you just have no idea, of the way you own a world for yourself.

A world, like what I can see down from the top of a Ferris wheel. So far, distant, chilly, yet heartwarming, toes curled; yet breath-taking.

I know, your fingers aren’t ever a better fit than with a pen you’d scribble on a paper, lyrics… you’re a figurine, for many to follow, Yongguk. Honestly, I would admit, with a smile on my lips – perhaps a bit of red, to admit; that I too – would be on the top of the list.

It feels nice, Yongguk. My heart, watching you so close, feels nice. The way you talk so less, but speak so much through the eyes you hide to the crowd… the fact that perhaps, you feel just a bit comfortable with me, than the rest gnawing at you with wide eyes, you have no idea, the way I feel. Simply sit next to me, and I can hear, songs – running in my mind, my heart drumming on my ribs, so fast, I feel my chest tighten.

I dream, not of anything selfish, but of your acceptance.
Would you understand, Yongguk? With your heart so open, thoughts so colorful, these fluttering feelings in my throat when I see you standing, simply, a shirt and shorts – sipping on your morning tea, hair messy, a lazy smile on your lips as you wish me ‘good morning, Chan’, as I wish for myself, that you would last, forever, forever, forever.

I smile so much.
It hurts.

I don’t want to feel this way towards you, Yongguk. But I do, and I do so much. Forgive me; for I cannot let go anymore, of the way my heart clenches, twists and twirls to see you smile at women. To see you hold hands with them, I cannot pretend.

Those long fingers of yours, Bang Yongguk, they don’t fit, I’m so sorry I feel this way. Forgive me, but my heart… it doesn’t listen, Yongguk. It just hurts.

Tomorrow too, I’ll see you, in your pajamas maybe, at the kitchenette, holding your cup of tea against your smiling lips, and will, wish me a good morning, and my heart, my heart, Yongguk, I don’t understand it. It’ll feel good, again. I know.

If you love me back, for all I can tell, is that you too; would hurt. Hurt so much it would hurt each time you try to smile. You will love me, your wide heart will. I trust you. You’re support and you’re moral, I faith in them all, Yongguk, you have no idea.

But I will never tell.
My lips are sealed.
This sadness is mine, and mine only, though I wish I can share…. these fluttering feelings with you…; if someone would please, please…

Please kiss me and undo my lips, someone.