rated M for self harm. (well not very bloody)

Hope you enjoy. Dont rush, i guess. They are all simple sentences, but they mean a lot. :)

-

Himchan stirs on his bed. It wasn’t only today he couldn’t close his eyes to sleep. He can shut them close, but sleep is far away from him. Rest is far away from him. He shifts yet again. An uncomfortable feeling tugs at the tips of his toes as if he was needled on the skin. His neck feels stiff. He sighs, but something is terribly active inside him today.

He’s cautious. Worried and feeling sick because of it. He’s restless. There’s something he didn’t finish.

Last year was 2013. The day was as same as today. February 13^th.

Himchan shifts on his pillow again. The fan is too cold on his skin. He feels like he had caught a bad fever. Something inside him is threatening him not to remember. Not to remember the words that broke his heart. His head slowly falls heavier. There’s a headache arising under his scalp.

It hurts.

Shifting doesn’t shut out the voice in his head.

It’s a deep voice. A deep, loving voice. A voice that whispered him good morning, a voice that whispered him good night. A voice that supported him, a voice that replied him. It was a voice he loved, and a voice that loved him back. A voice that mended his wounds, and a voice that burnt holes in his heart.

It was Bang Yongguks voice.

“I’m sorry, Kim Himchan. I have someone else I love. I want to spend valentines with him”

It was Bang Yongguks voice that was once filled and sprout with love that spoke so lowly and gruffly, so full of regret and spite.

Himchan swallows the thick lump in his throat. He shakes his head – but the voice doesn’t leave. Slowly he falls into the darkness of his sleep, and the voice forms. It forms clouds, streams of vivid yellow and orange. Then they mold. They mold out a face. A face of someone who smiled him into the day, a face of someone who kissed him goodnight. A face that laughed along him, a face that cried along him. A face of someone he loved, the face of someone who broke his heart.

It was Bang Yongguks face. His cheeks, his teeth, his forehead, his nose, his chin. It was the face Himchan had kissed, had loved, had meant to feel forever. It was a face of someone who had left him.

“Take care of yourself.”

The face of someone who still cared for him.
Maybe not romantically, but yet did.

Someone who knew exactly how much they meant to Himchan. Someone who left Himchan all alone. Someone who must have loved Himchan at a point in his life.

It’s confusing.

Tears turn to droplets in the lashes of his closed eyes. He might have been asleep, dreaming about someone; someone who had made him cry.

The sheets are roughly over him, and the pillow sinks the tears in. Kim Himchan had fallen asleep. He had fallen asleep to wake up to a day Yongguk had left him. A day which Yongguk wants to spend with another. A day that was worth than him, worth than the love he had for him. A day which he didn’t want to exist.

He dreams.

“I love you.”
His cheeks are against the heaving chest of the others. They are in embrace.
“Hear that?” The voice asks. He nods. He can hear the beat. The beat of the blood. The heart. Love.
“It’s for you” he says.
Shyly smiles he, buries his face further and falls asleep.

The buzzer. Something buzzes. Something doesn’t belong.

The colors fade, the pictures gone, faint memories linger in his eyes as he opens them to sunlight.

He’s awake.

Awake to a day which made Yongguk leave him all alone. Alone without the second heart beating next to his sleep. Left him untouched, yet scarred.

Headache takes him over, he doesn’t want to move. Muscles of his body feels strained. He turns over. He doesn’t seem to understand that shifting on the bed doesn’t change anything.

Shifting under his sheets won’t stop the voice from coming back, from the sun being lit, from having to live through today, having to deal with the emptiness in his life, wouldn’t stop him from falling asleep, wouldn’t ever stop him from dreaming.

He wouldn’t ever seem to stop dreaming.

‘Kim Himchan, you fool.’
He says to himself, but seems he doesn’t very much understand.

The sun had stopped shining into his room from the window. It had gone further upwards. The clock says its twelve, yet it doesn’t speak. The only voice is his, and Himchan doesn’t want to listen to it. His house is empty. There’s no one he can speak to.

Time had gone.

Kim Himchan wakes up. Literarily. He straightens up on the bed and puts down his feet. The drawers next to his bed are neat. From the side of the two books, he takes out a thin blade.

He wants to.

The trouser is slowly rolled up, exposing the neatly cut flesh. He counts twelve. Thirteen is an odd number. He hesitates.

The blade in line with his eyes, shines in its silvery coat.

Then it digs in.

“Why Himchan?!, you promised! Don’t!” The voice isn’t real anymore. “You started it.” Stubbornly he mutters, he doesn’t seem to understand that no one is there to hear him.

It doesn’t hurt.

‘Kim Himchan, you fool’
He says to himself, but he doesn’t very much understand.

The drawer goes shut. The bathroom door is opened. The water is warm, and the stings are not harsh.

A year had passed him.
The shower must have done him good.
He decides to give up.

 His hair gets dried. A change of clothes lead him downstairs to the kitchen where he heats himself a packet of fast food.

He picks up his phone.

A new message.

“To : Yonggukkie
Title: Valentines.
Body : Happy Valentines, Guk. – Your fool.”

He says it to himself so too much, he doesn’t realize the mistake. Your fool. You fool. There’s a difference. Someone does though.

Did you think he gave up on Yongguk?
Did you think he will move on?
He will find himself a new lover?

No.
Surely he decided to give up.
On himself.

He had had enough. Enough of voices, enough of images. Enough of dreams and enough of delusions. Enough of scars, and enough of life.
Thirteen is an odd number – he had a hunch from a beginning.

The last supper comes with a bottle of white pills.

The doors of the house, he locks.
The room door is shut. The windows closed. By half an hour, he had trapped himself.

Calmly he lies down in his bed. A sheet is pulled over his face. The too cold fan is for once turned off. He shall see no tomorrow. No more dreams. No more voices. No more delusions.

Kim Himchan falls asleep.

Tears turn to droplets in the lashes of his closed eyes. He might have been asleep, dreaming about someone; someone who had made him cry.

The sheets are roughly over him, and the pillow sinks the tears in. Kim Himchan had fallen asleep. He had fallen asleep to never wake up to a day Yongguk had left him. Not a day which Yongguk wants to spend with another. Not a day that was worth than him, worth than the love he had for him. Not a day which he didn’t want to exist.

He dreams.

“I’ll save you”
His wrists are held tightly by the other, who speaks in his deep voice.
“I’ll be there” He says and Himchan nods with his tears cleared.
“It’s a promise”
Kim Himchan, you fool. He takes his word for it.

Pain. Something hurts. Something doesn’t belong.

‘Can I wait for you in the other side?
Will you still love someone else?’
 

‘Am I dead?’ he wants to ask, but he can’t speak.

It’s confusing.

 

The lights are bright.

But something is not right.

There’s an image he didn’t want to see.

 

“He’s! He’s waking up!”

The voice is loud.

But something is wrong.

There’s a voice he doesn’t want to listen.

 

“Call the doctors! Daehyun!”

 

‘Kim Himchan, you fool’
He says to himself, but he doesn’t very much understand.

He doesn’t understand the panic that hit Yongguk. He didn’t understand how worried Yongguk was. He doesn’t understand how vulnerable Yongguk felt. He doesn’t understand how guilty and betrayed Yongguk felt. He didn’t understand how he felt when he discovered Himchan gone. He doesn’t understand the responsibility he had thrown Yongguk into.

He knows he’s foolish, but he can’t put a finger to it.
Himchan doesn’t seem to understand that Yongguk still cares for him.

 

Pain. It hurts.
For the next two weeks he can’t speak. The doctors urge him, but he doesn’t want to. He had met someone.

Jung Daehyun, his name.
A polar opposite of Kim Himchan.

Jung Daehyun, the man Yongguk left him for.

 

But something’s not right.
Himchan can’t hate him.

Daehyun takes care of him.
It’s unfair.

 

Yongguk speaks to him. Everyday. He’s trying to make Himchan speak; but all Himchan does is listen. He had waited weeks and weeks to listen to a real voice. It was finally here.

 

“I’m so sorry, but I didn’t want to cheat on you.”

 

“Don’t hate him.”

 

“Please get well soon.”

 

“It’s O.K.”

 

“Things will be better.”

 

“Take care of yourself, won’t you?”

 

“Smile a bit.”

 

“Can you eat? Should I straighten you up?”

 

“I’m so sorry Himchan.”

 

“Why… Why won’t you talk?”

 

“Do you want ice-cream? It’s kind of not legal here, but I sneaked in some.”

 

“Daehyun, can you sing for him?”

 

“Are you feeling better?”

 

“Time to take your medicine!”

 

“Can you shift your finger? Do you feel it?”

 

“Don’t worry, they say you’ll be alright”

 

“…You promised me Himchan… what have you done to yourself…”                          

‘Kim Himchan, you fool!
Don’t let him see your scars!’

After that, things change.

Daehyun isn’t here much.

Yongguk always speaks to Himchan, and Himchan decides to try. He moves a finger or two, mutters out a hum or two.

He smiles with all his gum.
That same, honest smile.

In another two weeks, he’s alright.

Himchan is going home today.

Home to the lonely walls.

He doesn’t want to.

 

‘Kim Himchan, you fool,
This time, do it right!’

For once, he finds his own voice. He tugs at Yongguks sleeve, reluctantly shifting his weight on the hospital mattress. Daehyun isn’t here. Himchan isn’t very considerate now either, but he does call himself a fool.

“Guk, I.. I still love you… What about you?”

 

He’s silent.

Silence speaks its own language.

Himchan can see Daehyun who walks into the ward from a far corner.

Suddenly he tugs at the others collar, and makes him fall onto his lips.

But no.

 

“Himchan, no.”

The deep voice warns. His hands had always been stronger than Himchans. Their faces are just inches – yet- is apart.

 

“It’s not you.”

 

Daehyuns eyes glisten on Himchan reflecting anger. He stands like a statue – because he knows there’s nothing for him to do.

That’s what lovers did.

They were there for each other.

 

Himchans smile is half unknown to him, but he does smile.

“I understand.” He lets go of the collar he fisted.

Bang Yongguk drags further apart.

 

“But I will always be your fool.”

 

“Promise me one thing, Himchan.” Yongguk still speaks to him. He nods. He doesn’t want to, but his life is already purposeless; and he owes the rest remaining to Yongguk and Daehyun anyway.

“Promise me you will look. Look for the person who will love you.”

 

Himchan snorts.

He finds it funny. The concern in Yongguks voice sound suddenly so stupid. So stupid – even worse than his own brain, that it makes him crack up.

“That would be you looking for me.” He shakes his head firmly.
“I’ll love you, but you won’t love me. I’ll be loved, but no – I won’t love back.”

 

“I wasted every drop of whats left on you, Guk. You’re a liar.”

 

With that said, he mended himself.

 

He heard no more voices, saw no more faces and had no more dreams.
Of course – he had to say good bye.

Say good bye and farewell.
He prayed to take this experience to next life as he bid his goodbyes.

May not have mended his art,
but mended his soul.

 

‘Can I wait in the otherside?
Will I be loved?’

 

 

 

--

-.-‘’ I got teary writing this at a point.
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Again, sorry for anyone being redirected. TT' Im just organizing everything.