I wasn’t aware when my tears started to fall.

                Maybe it was when he was staring at me and I kept wishing he’d take back all the hurtful things he said.

                It could also be when he sat on the edge of the bed and started fixing his polo that I unconsciously ed-- all that without sparing me another glance.

                Or it could also be at that moment when he left without saying another word.

                I don’t know what I expected but it was definitely not this. I was prepared to take all the risks so I could continue loving him, but it was he who decided to leave. It was he who decided to let go. And now I couldn’t move at all and just kept staring at the door wishing any moment now, he’ll come back to say all of that was just a joke. 5 minutes, ten minutes, one hour, and my tears won’t stop.

                I crawled to the corner of the room lifelessly and unwillingly, pulling the blanket all along and securing it around my fragile self. I can’t do this. He would come back right?

                But deep inside I knew he wouldn’t. Deep inside, the pain was irreparable.

                That’s how I knew how broken I have become.

                Just…

                Can you hear my heart…Luhan?

….

                Somehow, in the middle of the night, I’ve fallen asleep. Ironic how that could be, and still ironic when I woke up and remembered everything in an instant. It couldn’t be a dream. No matter how much I willed it to be, it isn’t a dream I can escape from.

                My head is full of thoughts and not one of them can be translated into words. It’s like going to a park only to see unmanaged weeds, vines and wild trees blocking your path. You just can’t pass and the only thing the circumstance would allow you to do is to back off. Back off not because you’re afraid to venture, but because you don’t know if someone will save you when you get lost.

                I took one look at the mirror and decided that I needed to get myself together.

                And that’s what I did. I took a long bath, brushed my hair, and clothed myself, all the while forcing myself to believe that he’s just a guy and that I’m better off without him. There’ll be tons of different guys and I have my own duties to fulfill anyway. He’s a distraction. He’s my warrior and I can’t afford to be like this to him just because he’s man enough to admit that he doesn’t see me that way.

                That in fact, he’s seeing someone altogether different.

                I took a deep sigh as tears began to gather once again in my eyes. What am I thinking? I don’t need to bring that up. Stop it Mi Yeon. Stop the regret. Just stop. You promised your mom that you’ll be strong. You promised to save everyone and go back to Seijira. You’ve faced bigger and harder things. Surely, you can get over this one…this silly infatuation with a guy you met in school. That’s it. Get a grip. Get a grip, Lee Mi Yeon.

                With a big block weighing down my heart, I turned the knob and braved myself to go out.

                Slowly, I made my way to the lobby where I’m sure the others were eating. I wasn’t thinking of anything in particular, or maybe I’m just incapable of organizing everything that’s going on in my brain. Nevertheless, I can still understand what my eyes are taking in. Kris, Tao and D.O. are the only people sitting on the usual round table. I didn’t know what to feel, whether to be comforted or not, relieve or not, and was just about to cross the remaining space towards them, when someone called my name from behind.

                How I wish Chanyeol didn’t. Because he’s with Sehun. And Sehun is with Luhan…

                …who, of course, looked entirely okay unlike a certain someone over here who wants to shrink like an algae on the spot.

                “What’re you doing there?” Chanyeol said with a large grin on his face.

                “I…ahh…” I couldn’t say anything at first. How could I have such bad luck? I tried my best to concentrate on Chanyeol though I can feel another 2 pairs of eyes searching my face. “I was just thinking if I should join them because I’m not feeling really hungry.” I made up.

                “Of course you should!” He exclaimed. “We’re just on our way there. I’m terribly hungry!”

                I shook my head slowly and said, “I think I’ll just go back to my room.”

                “You should eat,” even if I didn’t look, it will be a voice that’s hard for me to not recognize. He walked closer with a gentle smile on his face and I don’t know if the reason why I almost stopped breathing is because of the joy of hearing his voice once again, or the pain that seeing him like this hurts much more than last night.

                Luhan placed a hand on my right shoulder and did two taps, saying, “C’mon” and then passed me like I’m his newfound friend who needs to get invited to lunch for more social involvement.

                I’m dumbfounded and I felt how pathetic I was right then. I was hoping for him to come around, but obviously he wouldn’t. He was being serious last night. It’s apparent from how he’s acting totally okay, like nothing bothered him as of the moment but the food that’s waiting to be eaten.

                Am I really that irrelevant?

                I almost felt like laughing at my own absurdity, but at the same time, I felt my heart clenching so much.

                “See,” Chanyeol said happily, and the contrast between our personalities was highlighted. “Boyfriend calls!” And then he passed me too.

                Of course, he doesn’t know and I don’t blame him. Chanyeol can appear very naïve sometimes, and with the way Luhan acted, it wouldn’t be hard to believe that we’re just fine. And so I stood rooted on the spot, thinking hard. I just really want to go and be alone. I don’t think I can stand seeing Luhan so casual…

                “If you’re just going to stare at the floor, then you might as well just avert your gaze to something more deserving and with undoubtedly better looks,” Sehun suddenly spoke. I looked at him suddenly, clearly not aware that he’s still standing there in front of me. I thought he went on with Chanyeol after Luhan.

                Sehun was looking at me seriously and then seconds after, I felt something a bit cold momentarily pressed the skin under my eyes.

                “Sometimes I’m not sure if you’re a girl or not,” he commented. “It’s common sense to put something cool around the area of the eyes so that they won’t look puffy in the morning.”

                “Well,” Sehun said when I didn’t reply. “Let’s go. The others are beginning to wonder what we’re doing.”

                Sehun didn’t go ahead and waited for me to budge so we can walk side by side. I don’t know if he knows anything about Luhan and I, or he just saw something in my expression, but I’m glad he’s keeping me company and not openly asking me about things. Sometimes, Sehun gives me a different kind of comfort by just being him, ice-prince-like and indifferent. If I could only learn how to put on a mask over my emotions like him, then maybe I could also make Luhan feel like I don’t care about him anymore.

                Once we reached the table, Sehun immediately went for the seat next to Luhan and I headed for the seat next to Kyungsoo. As soon as I settled down, Kyungsoo kept on looking at me. I’m surprised he’s not grumpy anymore, but then again, all people need is to sleep to take the bad feelings away. I decided to look back at him and say, “Hey. It’s okay for me to sit here right?”

                 Kyungsoo nodded slowly and softly, he said, “I’m sorry, Mi Yeon.”

                I froze in my seat and got what he was saying. Of course he knows. How could he not? I stared at him as he watch me solemnly. I let out a small smile despite the aching in my chest and said, “Why are you always saying sorry to me Kyungsoo-ah? It’s not even your fault.”

                Kyungsoo shrugged and said, “There’s just a lot of things I feel like I’m not helping you with.”

                “It’s okay…people don’t always need to help me. And I understand where you’re coming from. So…just, I guess, this is what’s supposed to happen.”

                “Mi Yeon,” I heard Tao call. He’s a seat away from me, the one next to mine being currently vacant.

“Here,” he said, holding up the thermos and I immediately held out my cup, ready for my morning coffee.

                “Komawo,” I said when he’s done pouring into my cup.

                “Are you okay?” Tao suddenly asked. “You look sick.”

                My head feels heavy but then again, I didn’t think much about it because I barely had sleep, and I kind of cried all night. But do I really look that bad?

                I took a large gulp of coffee before answering, “I’m fine.”

                “Here, eat,” he said, handing me a large piece of cinnamon bread. “You look really pale.”

                “Thank you Tao,” I said.

                “Geez,” he said. “What is Luhan doing?”

                It seems really funny that whenever something’s wrong with me, they always think of Luhan. This is the bad thing about everyone knowing your relationship, they always associate one with the other and then everything that happens between both parties will never be kept a secret. I wonder…

                I started munching on my bread unenthusiastically and glanced quickly at Luhan. He was having an animated talk with Chanyeol and Xiumin and I felt really sad then. Can he even notice what everyone else is noticing? Can he see me at all?

                And as if he heard me, he suddenly looked at my direction and we locked eyes. I didn’t try to look away. His eyes were firm and I kept asking him in my head if he doesn’t regret anything. If he doesn’t feel empty like I do. If he could not take back his words. If he could take me back.

                And when he started to smile at me, I found my answer.

                And because I feel so pathetic and useless and my head’s bursting with everything, I finally turned away and said to no one in particular, “I suddenly remembered that I have other things to do. I’m leaving first.”

                “Would you be alright on your own?” Tao asked as Kris and Kyungsoo turned to look at me. “Rest, Mi Yeon. I feel so worried we need to take you to the hospital.”

                “I’m okay,” I said for the nth time that it almost sounded convincing.

                “Yo Luhan!” Tao suddenly called out to my horror so that the rest of the table fell silent. “At least take Mi Yeon back to her room. She’s not feeling well.”

                Silence