When I was a kid, I’d always look at the snow globe that’s in my mom’s desk. There was something utterly enchanting about it. The colorful little houses surrounding the whole area, the boy and girl who seemed to be dancing in a skate rink, how it always looks so peaceful and serene, enough to make me feel the magic of Christmas even in summer. I’d hold the snow globe in my tiny little fingers and look even closer, and then out of just the desire to do it, I’d tip the globe upside down, making the snow gather on top before putting in back right to its original position. The same action I’d do over and over until my mom would finally come in her own room and tell me to stop playing with fragile things. I’d do what she says but will continue to stare at the snow globe until all the white particles have fallen down.

                My mom would then pull me into her lap as she drinks her coffee before starting her paper works.

                It was in one of those instances when I told my mom how I’d want to live in a beautiful place like the one inside the globe. My mom laughed at me and took the snow globe in her hands. She said she wanted it too and asked me if I know why.

                “Because it’s always snowing there?” I answered unsurely.

                My mom let out a gentle laugh and I was just smiling at her because that’s what kids are like. You like it when your parents are happy. You feel like it’s because of you that they are happy. I remember feeling satisfied then, that even without a dad, we can live a normal life.

                That was then, and this was now.

                It has only come to me that that’s not entirely the truth because the answer she gave me was something I didn’t comprehend back then.  

                “No Mi Yeon,” my mom said and then she turned the snow globe upside down like I did. “It’s because people in here don’t fall even when their world has been shaken up.”

                And now I know that the snow globe is being unfair to me too. My thoughts and hopes have been shaped by it that I wasn’t even prepared when it was my world that’s been flipped vertically. I shouldn’t have fallen, but as I look in the face of the man I love, I couldn’t stop the feeling that I’m experiencing something even worse. That is, falling without reaching an end. Falling just because this life is cruel, and you can’t do anything about it.

                As I look at Luhan, I couldn’t stop thinking how much my mom was right. I shouldn’t have played with fragile things.

                I sat at the edge of the bed and almost wanted to laugh at the stupidity of the situation. But I couldn’t. I don’t even have the energy to think of fixing my face.

                My heart was telling me to cry, but my mind said it’s not the right time.

                “How did she die?” I asked, because asking is the only thing that keeps me going. Asking is the only way that I could hear his voice from now on. Because I don’t own him, I never did.

                “Kai tried to escape from the school because he’s different,” Luhan answered me in a slow voice. I wanted him to be honest, but this honesty is hurting me so much. I figured how much Kai was right back then in the cake shop. Now I know I do ask a lot of questions that would hurt me if answered. I must really be a masochist. “He took Sun Hi with him. They were followed by shadows and she was murdered. I was there…just in time to see the light vanish from her eyes.”

                “And his brother?” I asked, my voice getting quieter and quieter. “He was with them. Did he die?”

                Luhan did not answer.

                “Did he die…” I asked once again. “Luhan?” I was having a hard time saying his name, not because I’m unable to do it literally, but because it stirs more emotions in me that I’d rather not bring up right now. Mentioning his name makes me think of all the times we’ve spent together. I can’t stop myself from wondering whether any of those genuine happy expressions he shared with me was because it’s me, Lee Mi Yeon, that he could.  What if…

                “He was gone,” Luhan answered. “We didn’t get a body.”

                I didn’t know what to think at this point. Should I be thinking of the problems Kai’s brother could impose? Should I be thinking of the possibilities of an attack after I did not give Kai to Ji Hye? Should I ask more about Choi Sun Hi? Should I forget all about this and just think of finding the other two things to be able to go back to Seijira? Should I think of Luhan?

                Should I let him go?

                “You told me before you didn’t know Kai was a multiple duirean,” I said in a low voice, unable to face him not because I’m afraid of him, but because I’m afraid for myself that I’m about to reach my breaking point. “You said that. You lied to me.”

                “I didn’t do it because I wanted to deceive you,” Luhan said and I hated how much I wanted to hear him out, how much I wanted him to lie for the sake of keeping me.

                “Maybe it’s because you didn’t want me to know about Sun Hi,” I despised myself for letting my voice crack at that moment. I tried to let out a chuckle to make myself more stable in this kind of situation.

I stood up and let out a small smile at him without looking him in the eye. “Do you think you can lend me this room tonight?” I asked. “I’m too tired to walk back to my own room.”

                “What are you thinking right now Mi Yeon?” I heard him speak.

                I turned my back on him and started to fix the bed or just basically playing with the pillows. I didn’t know what to answer to him.

                “You know that’s not true,” he voiced out after a while.

                I stopped whatever I was doing and said, “What’s not true?”

                “That I didn’t love you,” he said.

                It has become even more impossible to me to look at him. Didn’t. He said it in past tense. Maybe I was thinking too much about it, but I can’t help myself. I’m becoming even more irrational at this moment. I’m starting to feel the throbbing in my heart, like I couldn’t breathe properly. My eyes were watering then, but I have to keep a grip on myself. I have to.

                “I didn’t say anything like that,” I said.

                “Mi Yeon,” he started but I interjected even before he could continue.

                “Luhan please…” I said. “I want to be alone.”

                When he didn’t budge, I tried again and said, “Please.”

                “Your wounds…” I can see that he wanted to argue with me but I can’t any longer. I don’t want to let go of him. This is the only solution I could think of. I need to collect myself because I’m not ready to be left alone.

                “It doesn’t hurt.” As much as my heart hurts. “And I could take care of myself. I just want to sleep now. Goodnight, Luhan.”

                I lied on his bed and covered myself with the blanket. It took some while before I heard the door creak and then completely closed. Knowing his personality, I’m sure he’s going to tell the others not to bother me. I rolled to my side and hugged the extra pillow. The bed does smell like Luhan a lot. It made me have a sudden desire to hug him and feel secure.

                But I can’t do it.

                Not tonight.

                Not when I can’t stop the tears from coming out of my eyes.

                She would have been here if it wasn’t for him.

                Choi Sun Hi… you’re so lucky that Luhan loves you a lot.

                Suddenly, my thoughts flew all the way to my mom, when she held my hand and told me to be stronger.

                I’m sorry, mom. Just for tonight…

                Let me cry because of selfishness.

                Let me cry for someone who I truly care for.

…………………….

                The next day, I came up with a decision. Ji Hye told me that she wants me to self-destruct, but I won’t. I couldn’t.

                I woke up early and decided to do whatever I did not do yesterday night. I went to my room and Xiumin’s room. I returned my bag to its original size, got out the meds and went to the bathroom. I took one look at the mirror and it was enough for me to conclude one thing.

                I look awful.

                Chanyeol wasn’t kidding when he said it’s going to leave a mark. It feels as if I just bumped my left cheek on a metal wall because it was really bruised up. It looks kind of bloated and that highlighted the difference with my other cheek. Damn Seo Ji Hye for doing this to me. No wonder why I was having a hard time sleeping last night. My jaw seems alright from the outside but I can’t really talk that much unless I want to feel the pain.

                I decided to take a quick bath first before trying to fix my face. I took out the duirean-made medicines and surveyed them one by one. We’re almost running out of stock on the medicine for immediate healing because of the many times we had to  use it. A whole stock was used on Kris before to save him. Luhan had to take it too and Kyungsoo. If I’m not careful with the usage, we would have a big problem. So, I took out a cream that the guidance counselor said could heal burns. I’m not sure if this could do anything with my cheek, but it’s worth a try. I dabbed some carefully because it hurts to press my finger on the skin. When I was done, I let the cream be absorbed and then I took out my foundation and tried to do something with the blackness. It’s really a very unpleasant sight and I don’t want the others to think that I need to go to the hospital.

                Once I was done, I went out of my room and headed to the lobby where we usually eat our food. To my luck or not, Luhan, Sehun, Kyungsoo and Tao were already there. I took out a deep sigh and prepared myself before finally appearing before them.

                “Hey,” I said cheerfully. I wasn’t that stupid to not notice that they were talking about something. When I appeared, the atmosphere turned somewhat intense. All of them were looking at me, except Luhan who seemed as if he can’t. The table went completely silent. I felt the painful throbbing of my heart again as the memories of last night played back in my head. But, I’ve already decided. I wanted to forgive and forget. I can’t let him go. I just can’t. I’m going to be selfish because I want to save myself from doing even more stupid things.

                The chair next to Luhan was free, so I went straight for it and sat down. Tao is the most transparent one. He was definitely surprised at my action. Sehun is being the ice prince once again, while Kyungsoo just didn’t say anything.

                “Good morning,” I said to Luhan as he looked at me. I saw uncertainty in his eyes but he smiled back at me and said “Hey.” I noticed how his smile didn’t reach his eyes. I didn’t say anything about it as long as I’d be able to keep him.

                I poured coffee for my self and started drinking, ignoring completely the atmosphere.

                “What’s up?” I said after my first sip.

                “That doesn’t look nice,” Tao commented, pointing at my cheek.

                “I know,” I answered simply. “Did Chanyeol fill you up?”

                “He didn’t get very detailed,” Tao answered for me. “But yes.”

                “Okay,” I said and commented casually, “It would actually be better if he did talk about everything. I’m aiming for camaraderie here.”

                Tao shut up at that. I didn’t mean to be rude, but things wouldn’t have gone this far if they just told me. I wouldn’t have felt so alone and hurt last night if I’ve only known. I’m not going to tell them that I regret my actions and that I’m okay, because I’m not.

                I’m going to save everything that happened last night in my head. I’m going to make it a springboard to make myself a stronger person.

                I drank once again as I heard Kyungsoo say in my head, “I’m sorry, Mi Yeon.”

                “I’m not mad at you Kyungsoo,” I thought. “But I can’t accept your apology right now.”

                “I know,” he answered back.

                Kris and Xiumin appeared right at that moment. They took their seats and looked at me like how the others looked at me earlier. They were wary. Of course, if I were them I’d do the same, because they made who they are supposed to be serving an ignorant person.

                “Should we discuss plans on moving to a different place?” Xiumin brought up.

                I looked at him curiously as he shrugged at me, “Chanyeol told us you told Ji Hye you’re not giving Kai to them. They would attack soon.”

                “Right,” I nodded. “By the way, I was thinking last night of the second thing we need to find, knowledge enclosed in the magic of the deep, Seijira said. Do you guys have any idea what that is?”

                “A book, perhaps?” Kris suggested.

                “I was thinking of the same thing as its knowledge,” I said. “However, what kind of book?”