I might as well just faint. The scene from an hour ago is still stuck in my head like a horrible mantra. Even after we fled to a different hotel, a much smaller one and technically unknown to the public’s knowledge, my heart and mind is still back there, particularly when I saw all those mortals who were just lying on the ground, unconscious. It was a nightmare that came to life. From just thinking of them as unconscious, I know better now. They were murdered, the whole lot of them. And what murdered them is the knife in my hand that I couldn’t just bring down somewhere. It’s not because I treasure it, it’s because it’s a proof that things are getting worse, that I am failing and Seo Ji Hye is laughing behind our backs.

                I couldn’t even bring myself to cry. My lips were shaking and probably my body too, but nobody made a move for an explanation. It’s probably because we all don’t know what happened. It’s just like someone passed and everybody was dead. Everybody but us. Everybody but I was left standing in the dark.

                Xiumin is again staying with me in the room. I don’t even know what the others are doing but I know for a fact that Kris and Tao are still there in the hotel we vacated, trying to remove records of our short stay or else we would be suspected of the massacre. I wanted to know how Kyungsoo is doing, if he’s alright at all, and Chanyeol too. Xiumin was just considerate enough to tell me that shadows were lingering in the hotel and tried to do Kyungsoo again like we thought. The operation would have been successful if Kyungsoo had been alone and Chanyeol and Luhan weren’t there.

                I am awfully ashamed of myself. What seemed like a good idea before of sneaking out is kicking me in the face. I shouldn’t have left at all. While I was reuniting with my mom and my old friends, they were suffering. I left my duty for my own want. I am a terrible person. I truly am. And what hurts the most is nobody’s mentioning it to me. Nobody’s shouting in my face like I did something out of place. I was also a victim in their eyes…and Kai is all at fault.

                I don’t know where Kai is and I don’t know what Luhan is doing, but I know that they should hate me both.

                “Rest, Mi Yeon,” I heard Xiumin say across the small dim-lit room, but I just shook my head. It’ll be a miracle if I could even sleep for a minute.

                “Please,” he tried again. “You need it.” But I still shook my head lifelessly. I took my chance now to look at his face. There was no condemnation in his expression. He was still looking at me like he normally does, but his eyes were alert and I know too that he’s shaken. He’s just handling it better than I do.

                He must have seen something worrisome in my expression because he moved closer and sat in front of me. He didn’t speak though, and I know he’s waiting for me. So I did.

                “I’m sorry…” I croaked almost inaudibly. It’s one thing to admit your wrongdoing, it’s a completely different issue when the regret is overtaking other things in your head. “I’m so sorry.”

                “Don’t be…” Xiumin told me.

                “I’m a fool,” I continued, because if I didn’t say this now, I wouldn’t know when to or if I could ever have this chance again. Even if he’s only one, and I should probably apologize to everyone, I wanted to do it now. ‘I’m stupid and immature.”

                “Please put that knife down,” he asked me. When I didn’t move, he held my hand gently and relaxed my clasp on it. He took it from me with evident disgust on his face, and put it inside the compartment of the side table and completely out of our sight. All that he did but not before taking a piece of cloth in his pocket and enveloping the knife in it. Surprisingly, I felt much better, like I’ve just let go of something so heavy and demonic.

                Xiumin didn’t try to make me take back my words. Instead, he asked, “Where did you go, Mi Yeon?”

                And for the first time that night, I talked about what I did. “Kai and I, while we were in Cheondamdeong…we coincidentally met my bestfriend and her boyfriend…and she asked me if I wanted to see my mom…I did…I went back home…”

                 Xiumin considered this silently. I wouldn’t hate him if he judge me. It’s okay and I deserve it.

                “How’s your mom?” Xiumin suddenly asked.     

                “Just fine…” I said.

                “I understand that you wanted to see her. I too want to see my parents,” Xiumin said and let out a small smile. I never knew how Xiumin got into Seijira but he’s probably like me and he haven't seen his parents for a longer time. My shame is growing more. “But Mi Yeon, please don’t see your mom ever again.”

                I didn’t expect him to say that. I thought he understood me. Then why?? How could he put that so bluntly? Doesn’t he miss his parents like I do?

                “Don’t misunderstand,” he added as soon as my expression changed.  “Do you know the reason why we can’t go out of school?”

                “Because it’ll be more dangerous for us and that commoners shouldn’t know about our world?” I answered. I don’t know where this conversation is going.

                “That’s one,” he confirmed and then his expression darkened. “But there’s another thing that you should keep in mind…”

                ‘What?” I immediately asked. My heart started to hammer in nervousness. I felt like what he’s going to say is going to be bad news for me. It turned out it is. 

                “It’s a two-way thing,” he explained. “Once you’re admitted to Seijira, it would just be a matter of time for the enemies of the Academy to know that and they could go after your relatives. The minimal connection is to also protect them. For your mom, Mi Yeon, it’s even more important. You’re the heir, you’re the target. If you don’t think much of your actions, then your mom could be involved and it’ll be a dirtier business. You have to think the way the enemy thinks. They don’t care for morals and other virtues religion teaches us. They do what they must do. They don’t attack fairly. You should stay away from your friends as much as possible.”

                Nobody told me of this possibility before. Even Kyungsoo did not. What Kai said back there suddenly rang in my head. He clearly told me that he could feel shadows nearby. Did I just put my mom, Seohyun and Yonghwa to danger?

                I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if anything happened to them. They already got my dad. They can't have my mom too.

                What did I just do???

                “Don’t worry,” Xiumin assured me. “I’ll tell Kyungsoo about this so he could contact Kris and Tao to check your place. It’ll be okay Mi Yeon. They will be fine.”

                I know he was trying to make me feel better, but I couldn’t bring myself to relax. I need to know how they are doing. I need to know for sure that nothing happened to them, but I couldn’t just make the others do that for me nor can I go out once again. Kyungsoo is already having troubles and the others have worries of their own. I should stop being too dependent, and I should keep my head on what we should do. For now, I would have to wait, because that’s the best choice there is for me.

                And there are still a lot of things left for me to comprehend…

                “Xiumin.”

                “Yes?” He asked, still very attentive to me.

                “Where’s Kai?” I asked, though I’m trying so hard to keep my voice steady because I don’t want him to misinterpret.

                “He’s sharing a room with D.O. and Chanyeol, I think,” Xiumin answered back. He’s tone did not reveal anything.

                “And Luhan?” I asked a little bit more worriedly. I don’t know what to think of Luhan right now, but I need to talk to him soon.

                “He’s with Sehun,” Xiumin informed me.

                “Did…” I started but took a deep breath. I was being anxious for no particular reason. “Did Kai do something bad?”

                At this, Xiumin shrugged and I realized he’s very uncomfortable with this matter. Even after we moved, nobody has expressed their thoughts about what happened between Kai and Luhan. Nobody bothered to explain to me. I was so sure I wouldn’t know if I do not ask first. To be frank, I’m afraid to know the answer. I’m afraid Kai is working with the enemy. I’m afraid the massacre came into fruition with his help. I’m even starting to think that he came with me to my mom’s place because he knows it will happen. Why else would Seo Ji Hye want him? But I should not doubt him. Based from what I saw in him, he’s a really good person. His roots must be evil, but I already established that that does not define a person. Surely, I am not wrong about Kai? He’s been loyal so far, and he’s been helping me a lot. He saved us back at the mountain. He could have killed me a lot of times already if he really wanted to. How could someone so kind and good to me have bad intentions?

                I can’t believe it. I shouldn’t dare believe it, and I know for sure that I couldn’t give up Kai to the enemy.

                Suddenly, Ji Hye’s words from before echoed in my head.

                You’re killing Luhan.

                And Kai will never be yours.

                How could I be killing Luhan? Why would I kill Luhan? And Kai? Kai will never be my warrior because she’ll be taking him? Why Kai??

                I am so confused and I need answers. She could answer them all for me, but should I even consider her offer? Wouldn’t I be making another mistake? What if she’s just playing with my head so I could actually make what she said be true?

                “I’m sorry,” Xiumin broke my trail of thoughts. “I couldn’t answer that. Rather, the answer shouldn’t come from me.”

                “Then…” I said, suddenly making a quick decision. “Can I see Luhan?”

                To this, Xiumin became more uncomfortable. “I’m not sure.”

                Luhan must really hate me now, I thought to myself. It didn’t cheer me up a bit.

                “Luhan is…” I can see Xiumin struggling for words to describe the situation. “I think he’s a bit unstable…uhm, emotionally.”

                “Please,” I pleaded. I really need to see Luhan. We need to fix our problems.

                Xiumin surveyed me for a while, but then surrendered and said, “Okay, but let me just accompany you to their room. We don’t know if the enemy’s just waiting for a chance to attack.”

                His offer didn’t sound so bad so I accepted. The room where Luhan is appeared to only be two rooms opposite ours. My heart was starting to hammer once again. I don’t know exactly what I should tell him, but I feel like I need to talk to him more than anyone else. I need to fix our relationship, if it could still be saved. I love Luhan, I really do. I don’t think I can let him go either.

                I looked at Xiumin with a grateful expression before I knocked three times on the door. It opened as soon as I was done, only to reveal Luhan and Sehun seating next to each other as though they were talking of something so serious. At the sight of me, I saw Luhan’s eyes immediately harden and that made my heart plummet to the ground. I almost lost my courage right there and then. Sehun’s expression, on the other hand, didn’t change much, but he was looking at me like he wanted to say something so bad.

                “What do you want?” Luhan asked. He probably didn’t mean to sound harsh but that’s how I interpreted it. He never really