~Donghae~

I sat listless on the school’s bench, brooding about my terrible mistake of agreeing to audition with Hyukjae. Adding more burdens like a musical is one of the last things I want while I try to figure out plan B for my life. Nothing has gotten better ever since I left Jason and my parents – who I am no longer in contact with. I thought it’d be better if I left. I thought I’d be free once they were out of the picture. Damn was I wrong. If I knew I was going to lose people when I had attained this ‘freedom’ I would had never left, no matter how much more I had to endure, if only I knew it’d be this alone…

I used to have anxiety when I was younger – bad anxiety. The slightest worry would keep me awake. I was restless in those times, to the point where it began affecting my health. Right now, I still felt that same haunting feeling of solicitude, giving me nothing but sleepless nights. Usually I would be able to deal with it on my own, but when it was too much I had Kibum or Jessica to just talk to. Now I have neither of them.

I took a deep breath and let it all out in one long exhale.

I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees and let my chin relax on top of my hands. I suddenly remembered the first time I went to Kibum’s house in search for an escape – heck I remember all the times when I fought with my parents and ran away to his house and cried. That house was like my safe haven. But I’m starting to develop doubts about the security I thought it had. I don’t feel like I belonged there anymore. I want to leave. My only problem is… I won’t have anywhere else to go if I left.

My face hid into the palms of my hands in shame, in frustration I couldn’t resolve. Why did I have to be so stupid? Why was I so optimistic that it would be easy? I can’t deal with this alone. I know I can’t, but I don’t have anyone to go to. Not even Kibum’s parents. What can they do? I’m a burden that just entered their home as a guest seeking for residence.

They’re so nice… Taking in someone who is completely non-blood related and providing for them too. I felt the hot burning sensation in my nose. The tears were getting ready to roll out, but I refused to shed them. I took a few seconds to calm myself down a bit and let the tears dry up. I leaned back into a slouching position and dangled my head backwards looking for something magical to solve all my worries.

“You okay?” Hyukjae asked, popping his face right in front of mine from behind the bench.

“Waaaaahhhhhh!” I screamed from shock. I turned my body and saw a nonchalant teenage boy who had his hands in his pockets like he was chilling there for quite some time.

“Dude, you almost gave me a heart attack.” I clenched my chest in exaggeration.

“Sorry,” He didn’t sound apologetic at all, “you just looked really dejected and I couldn’t help but wonder why you’ve been like that for so long. It really bothers me.”

I frowned and went back to slouching, deep in thought. Why was he the one who popped out of nowhere?

He took a seat next to me. So stubborn…

“I’m not gonna force the information out of you, but I’m just sayin’, if you got something you need to let out, I’m here to listen.”

I kept silent for a few minutes, hoping he would leave or his ride would come, but neither happened.

“Why do you even care?”

“Hmm?” He hummed, not hearing the first time.

“Never mind.” I shook my head. This is stupid. That question was stupid.

“No, I heard you. You asked why I cared, right?”

I looked at him in surprise. So he did hear. “Yeah. I did.”

He took his hands out of his pockets and folded it on his lap.

“Well, ain’t it obvious?” He smiled, blushing.

“No, that’s why I’m asking you.”

He tilted his head with a look that said, ‘Are you serious? You don’t know?’

He sighed and his lips fell into a half smile. In a clear, deep voice he said, “I like you, Donghae. I’m in love with you. I think about you a lot, so of course I’d notice if you’re down and of course I’d care about you. Like. Seriously. I don’t kiss you for fun just because I’m gay. That’s weird–”

“Well you are kinda weird.”

“I know, but it’s not about me and – That’s not the point!”

I laughed. It felt good to laugh. Though at the same time I felt like an idiot for not making the connections. I knew he liked me, but I didn’t think that’s why he cared. I don’t know what I was thinking. My brain isn’t functioning correctly.

Hyukjae smiled with his pearly whites flashing. “You finally laughed.”

I blushed, I don’t know why I did, my face just turned red. I smiled sheepishly, looking down. He casually took my hand and turned it so my palm was facing the sky. “I’m gonna read your fortune.”

“You can’t read fortunes.” I argued.

“Well you don’t know if you don’t let me try.”

I shrugged and let him read my palm. I was actually curious about what he was going to say. Maybe it could be true, maybe it could be some random bull, but I still wanted to hear what he had to say about my fortune.

“It says… You’re going to achieve lots in the future.”

I scrunched my eyebrows. “Like what?”

“Acting of course.”

I pulled my hand away. “Yeah right.” I didn’t believe him.

“No, it’s true. Here, look.” He pointed somewhere on my hand. “Do you see this line?”

I couldn’t see the line. I brought my hand closer to my face to get a better close up, but I still couldn’t. “Here, how about this.” He shoved my hand, making me high five my face. I looked at him in disbelief that he just did that. I tried to slap him back, but his hands were fighting with mine to protect his face. I soon gave up and just sat there smiling. When he read my fortune, he said it with such earnest eyes. Even if the words were lies, those eyes gave them truth. It almost motivated me hearing him say that, like he had faith in me.

“Hey, Hyukjae.”

“What is it?”

“Can I come over today?”

His face looked unsure about it. “I’m kinda busy. I have to work.”

I pouted. “So no?”

“Sorry.”

I didn’t want to settle with that answer. I leaned my head on his shoulder. “Please?”

His face leaned in towards mine. With sharp, but gentle eyes he replied a blunt “No.”

My pout got bigger. I then smiled and placed my hand in his inner thigh. “How about now?”

“No.”

I slid my hand higher. “Now?”

“No.”

Higher. “Now?”

“No.”

I slid it again, it was getting dangerously deep. “Now?”

“Are you just going to keep provoking me or something?”

I smirked. “Can I come over?”

He rolled his eyes with a grin. “Fine, but I can’t say we’re going to do a lot of fun stuff.”

“It’s fine, as long…” I stopped myself. ‘As long as I’m not home’ Was what I was going to say. But that sounded odd. He waited for me to finish. “As long as your parents are okay with it”.

“You can sit on the couch. I need to take care of some work and afterwards maybe I can show you around, sound good?”

“Sounds great.”

I adjusted my visitors pass a bit before I sat on the couch that felt of very expensive fabric. It was soft and addictive to touch. I almost felt bad sitting on it, making wrinkles and dents with my . My sight wondered onto the coffee table in front of the couch. There were magazines. One had Hyukjae on the cover, but the image was in the corner not to mention small. I chose to read that one first.

As I read, I felt like I was learning more about Hyukjae. The magazine had a small bio about him and one interesting part I saw in the interview section caught my eye. It said, ‘I dream of becoming a professional dancer, but my parents depend on me to take over the company one day. I don’t want to let them down, but I don’t want to regret not following my dreams either. *Laughs* It’s a difficult choice. Even people like me have to go through hardships like these. I know when the time comes I’ll have my mind made up. But I fear if my resolve leads to unwanted sorrow.’

I never knew that about him. I always thought his life was as smooth as silk, that his path had nothing to keep him back. I guess I was wrong… So wrong. Now that I think about it, he never talked much about himself.  Well, neither did I, but it was just surprising to know he had that big decision that was going to change his life. It was either one path or the other.

I glimpsed over towards Hyukjae and saw him assiduously typing away on his computer. He switched back and forth from a piece of paper to the screen. He noticed my stare and I instantly felt awkward and looked somewhere else.

“Sorry, are you bored?” He said.

“Huh? Oh, no. I was just… reading about… You.”

“Me?” He sounded confused. He got up from his desk and sat beside me to look at the magazine.

“Wow, it really is about me.” He beamed.

I looked at him. “You didn’t know?”

He blushed. “Well, the staff puts these magazines here when guests come into my office. So no, I wasn’t aware.”

He read the bio and everything else, “Brings back memories. I did this interview last year. I thought I did completely terrible, but good thing it wasn’t videotaped.” He flipped through the other pages and scanned them.

“I didn’t know you thought about your future and parents like that.”

His eyes didn’t break off from the pages. “What? – Me having to take over this company someday? – It’s really not that big a deal.”

He sounded like he was deliberately throwing it aside to avoid it.

“Then what’s your resolve?”

Now his eyes were on me, they were piercing, intense. He closed the magazine and tossed it onto the table. His body slowly approached me like a predator and my instincts told me to lean backwards to keep a distance. I stopped when my back touched the cushion. His hands were now on either side of my head. I didn’t mind that he was on top as long as he wasn’t doing anything ual.

“You seem to be really interested.”

“You never really talk about yourself.”

He scoffed. “Look who’s talking.”

I took a long pause to think about what to say next. It was hard to do so with the distraction of his fierce eyes locked into mine. I couldn’t break away. I felt weak to it, especially when I’m the one on the bottom.

“It’s not easy talking about myself… About my life.”

His hand moved to my cheek and it with his thumb. The hand on my cheek, the loving , it felt so familiar somehow. It felt like… Mrs. Kim’s tender touch. It was almost identical. I thought about her and I thought about her worn out face. It was all because of me. She began working overtime ever since I chose to burden her with my selfish being in her home. I don't deserve such kindness from them. I don't deserve to be called apart of their family. What have I ever done for them? I have nothing to give back, because I have nothing...

I snuggled the side of my face into the palm of Hyukjae’s hand, crying. It was like something just broke and now there was a flood of tears. He wiped some of it away with his thumb, but more just came flowing down. I tried to stop. They were ruining his beautiful couch. It was no good though.

“It’s hard.” I sobbed.