~Donghae~

Ba dump.

I closed my eyes and breathed.

Ba dump.

My hand reached for my heart.

Ba dump.

It wouldn’t stop beating in ‘that’ way.

I forced myself up. Too many things were going on in my head for me to sleep and my isolated room was suffocating me. Maybe I should go somewhere less confined. Cautiously, I crept out of bed and tip-toed as soundly as I could down the stairs. It was silent, late in the dead of night. The time was probably near 2am, which no one should be awake at this time, especially on a school night.

School… Hyukjae would most likely be there…

As much as I’d like to believe I’m still a straight boy who still digs girls with cute faces and y legs, there’s something about Hyukjae that gives me this feeling that makes me tingle.

I carefully unhooked my jacket from a rack and slipped it on, disappearing into the cold, shadows of the outside. The air poked at my skin. It was quiet and still. The only light source came from the street lamps, but even those weren’t enough to see beyond the shadows that were still unknown.

I shoved my hands in my pocket, taking in my surroundings. The fresh, chilly air and night had always been a great comfort to me.

Not many would think of ditching their houses at this hour, but it wasn’t too unusual for me. Home was never where I looked for comfort, so instead of staying there, I often left without my parents knowing and wander off to wherever my legs would take me. Rational people would find it dangerous, but I saw it as a temporary escape from the cage of two devils I know.

I sighed.

A lot has happened, in the past month and a half. Kibum got accepted to Pearl Entertainment, now he’s working hard as a trainee; Jessica and I are over now, so I’m single for the first time in a while which isn’t too bad; My parents and I no longer have a relationship together; And finally, I met Hyukjae.

I smiled softly, remembering how when I had first met him, he would irritate me with his haughty demeanor, but now we’ve bonded closer together. He’s really a gentle person at heart, but I don’t see why I’m falling for him. I’ve known Kibum for longer but never did this tingly feeling occur in all those years. Neither did it ever appear when I was with any other male companions – Probably because they never tried to touch or kiss me the way Hyukjae has.

So then does that mean I’m only falling for him because I like how he comes after me? Wait… If I did then wouldn’t anyone do as long as they wanted me?

I mentally face palmed myself.

That’s ridiculous. I wouldn’t be so stupid as to falling for anyone who would be willing to care and want me. But if that’s not the case, then what’s attracting me to him?

The answer is still to be found.

If we were to get serious, what would happen after that? Judging from society today, we could either come out together or keep it a secret. I don’t think coming out is a very likely option I’d choose. How am I supposed to explain to people I fell in love with a dude? Furthermore, how would the react? I know some serious homophobic people, my parents being some of them *cough* *cough* and if I didn’t already sever our ties then they would’ve done it themselves if they knew.

But… Leaving gender out of the question, do I like Hyukjae or not? And why?

It’s not a bad thing being gay. Like Hyukjae said, love is love in the end.

Ba dump.

His confession was still clear to me. It was just a few hours ago when he said it…

I checked my watch.

Crap… Almost 3am.

If only the nights were just a bit longer.

­­­I barely ever remember hearing my alarm ring. After I had finally decided to peek at why it was being so annoyingly loud, I sprung out of bed in a hurry, realizing that school had already started.

I skipped brushing my teeth and swiped a piece of gum from my drawer. My hair was a horrible mess and my bags under my eyes were quite evident. Maybe I shouldn’t have stayed up so late last night… Screw that, I don’t have time to think about regrets!

I covered my hideous bedhead with a beanie and washing my face with a towel. Skipping breakfast save me about 3 minutes, so as soon as I looked somewhat composed, I sprinted to school.

Rushing into the office, I signed a tardy sheet and got a pass to get to class. I was out of breath, but I didn’t have time to even breathe until I barged into Mr. Song’s call and awkwardly made it to my seat. Everyone’s laser stares were pointed at me. I hid my face in my folded arms for a minute to just calm myself and my breathing.

“Um… Good morning, Mr. Lee.”

My head popped up by reflex. “Morning!” I sang.

I heard some snickers around me and I blushed from embarrassment. Mr. Song didn’t sing his good morning, that meant he wasn’t in a good mood – probably because I just disrupted his class.

“Beanie off.” He commanded.

I hesitated. He repeated what he said. “Can it slip for just today?”

He didn’t change his words.

 “Please?” I tried again.

“Donghae, I do not tolerate hats or hoods worn in my class. Take it off now or we’ll have a talk after class.” He warned with a tone that you knew he wasn’t going to say it again.

I apologized, slowly sliding my only protection I needed to keep my image intact.

He resumed teaching about whatever the hell today’s lesson was on. I however couldn’t concentrate. I knew people were looking at my hair. It was humiliating. I slouched down and used my fingers to manage as much messed up strands as possible.

I already knew there was a no hat rule, but I never remembered it being this strict. Every teacher just wouldn’t let it go. It’s not like it’s a big deal or at least it shouldn’t be. I didn’t commit a crime or anything, so I don’t see why teachers won’t let it slide. I don’t even see why there’s a rule like that to begin with.

Once I finally looked into the mirror, I felt a gush of relief since my hair was slightly coming back to its original form after all my finger combing and pressing down during each period. I used some water from the sink to ease the really disheveled ones. Today hasn’t been going too well so far. I had no recollection of any knowledge that had just been taught today nor do I even have the energy to care. A few friends attempted to converse with me and asked if I was okay. I wanted to just tell them straight to their faces to turn away, but I didn’t, so I turned myself or put my head down. I’m a wreck…

I exited the bathroom and not long after entering the cafeteria, somehow – SOMEHOW – I just manage to make a fool out of myself again. Wherever I was looking, I definitely wasn’t looking forward, because I ran into somebody holding their lunch, and guess where their tray went flying? ON ME.

“Donghae?” A surprised voice gasped.

I looked up. I can’t believe it. Thoughts of last night came flooding back.

“My bad, I didn’t mean to bump into you, Hyukjae.” I tried playing it off, but my expression would state otherwise that I was having a bad day. Lame, I can’t even use my acting skills in a situation like this… It just wasn’t convincing.  

He went to grab a few napkins while I picked his lunch up off the ground – well, most of it. He picked the little bits of food stuck to my blazer and while he did I noticed there were people around and I didn’t want them watching. I grabbed his wrist, “Thanks, but let’s go somewhere else to take care of this… Mess.”

He flashed me a half smile and I lead him to the bathroom I had been in earlier.

I wet some paper towels and began to wipe my white button up shirt while Hyukjae took care of my blazer. He stood really close. If he bent forward his forehead could rest on my shoulder. I was able to avoid looking up but I couldn’t stop his strawberry cologne from invading my nose. The scent I never noticed until now.

“Dab, don’t rub.” Hyukjae told me.

“I know.” I rolled my eyes. A sigh flew out of my mouth without me knowing.

Hyukjae’s hand caressed my cheek to my chin and lifted it up to make direct eye contact. “What’s wrong? Having a bad day?”

“I’m just tired.” I dodged.

“Obviously, you look terrible.”

I scoffed, “Thanks for your encouragement, my day’s all better now.”

“You don’t have to be sarcastic.” He pouted.

“Sorry,” I started wiping his sleeve that also got soiled. “Not in a good mood either.”

“What’d you do last night?”

“Not sleep.”

Now Hyukjae rolled his eyes. “I guess I’ll take that as an answer if you don’t want to talk about it.”

I didn’t say anything else since he already understood how I was feeling. We finished cleaning up and left, walking side by side.

“Hey, how ‘bout I buy you lunch to make up the one I ruined?” I suggested.

It didn’t look like he objected. We got our lunches that I both paid for and found ourselves our own private table. It was just us two now. Normally, Jessica or Kibum would be tagging along with us, but both of them were nowhere in sight. They were both probably busy with their other friends. For Jessica, I can understand since she’s fairly popular, but Kibum, he’s a very reserved and silent person, so I wonder who he’s with right now. I felt a little sad thinking how this little chain of friendship the three of us had is broken now, it didn’t take much for it to break either. I realized how negative my thoughts were and immediately stop thinking about them.

Few minutes into my lunch, Hyoyeon came skipping to our table. She sat next to Hyukjae and clung to his arm.

“Hello my love~” She chirped.

“Ew.” Was Hyukjae’s response.

“Hey. That hurts my feelings.” Siwon walked by and joined, sitting on the empty side by Hyukjae.

“Siwon, if it makes you feel any better, I find you way more attractive than Hyoyeon.” Said Hyukjae.

Hyoyeon released his arm from her clingy grip and slapped it. He flinched and rubbed the spot. He announced that he was moving which made her whine telling him to stay, but he only meant to move next to me. She still had an angry pout regardless.

“Where’s Kibum?” Siwon noticed. “Isn’t he usually with us?”

“I dunno, he lives in the trainee dorms now.” I said.

“Yeah and he’s going to transfer to Pearl Academy too,” said Hyoyeon. The rice fell off my fork. “He told me to tell you, Donghae.”

She looked my dead straight in the eyes. Did I hear that right?

“W-When?”

“Next week. He asked me for the forms not too long ago.”

“Oh.” I said.

My right forearm moved to cover my sight.

Kibum not only moved into the dorms, but now he’s transferring to Pearl Academy. I knew Pearl Entertainment provided education for the convenience of it, but I didn’t think Kibum would actually leave SM to attend it. It hurt a little. SM was our home. We dreamt of auditioning and enrolling into this school together when we were students in junior high, just like how we dreamt of becoming trainees in Pearl Entertainment. We thought of working together, staying together, succeeding together.

Damn… It should’ve been obvious that something like that was never going to come true. I should’ve expected that something like this was going to happen. I should’ve never been so hopeful back then. I should’ve... Should’ve… Listened to them…

My eyes were sealed shut, but the tears still leaked through. I bit down hard to stop them. No use…

I lied. It hurt a lot. It was unbearable. I don’t want to go back, I can’t. They wouldn’t accept me, after what I did. I said terrible things. I’m a terrible son.

I cried my eyes out. Ashamed, I covered my face. There was no one to see it, but I had to cover it. Betrayer or betrayed, which one was I?

I curled up on my side, continuing to cry until I eventually fell asleep.

Today was definitely a bad day.

And out come the tears :'(

I'm sorry for not writing in a while. Last month was filled with a lot of reunions, afterschool activities, work, and procrastination - can't for get about that. I always get a weird feeling where you really want to write and you feel like it, but you also feel like you don't want to do it at the same time. Maybe I'm just crazy, because they both contradict each other... (Or just lazy) I hope you enjoy though! Thank you~