~Hyukjae~

My suspicions of Donghae were growing stronger as the weeks passed. He came to school disoriented with his mind always looked as if it was off somewhere else. Whenever someone would call out to him, he never replied at the first sound of his name, not even with my voice. He was in some sort of drunken state like time had slowed down for him. The way he looked reminded me of an instrument out of tune. Something that was once so beautiful, making the most melodious sounds was now off key. Yet he still tried so desperately to play music, not realizing how much it hurt the people around him to listen and watch.

If only he would tell me. I don’t like his troubled face. It bothered me. It bothered me beyond annoyance because he’s always so secretive. Everything in life was always just his problem and he had to deal with it. If only he’d open his eyes that he didn’t have to.

I knew him well enough to know that it was probably the thought of Kibum that bothered him. I would’ve never expected him, out of everyone I knew that was in association with Donghae, to choose ambition over friend – best friend. Anyone who knew those two knew they were close, like brothers. They had that atmosphere with them. Damn Kibum… I never did like him anyway.

During the transition to last period, I found Donghae dragging his feet to class. I caught up with him and purposely shoved him just so I didn’t have to constantly call out for his attention. He looked up, startled.

“Sorry.” He said.

“For what?” I said.

“I don’t know…”

I frowned deeply. He looked like he didn’t give a damn about anything. The way he trudged, slurred his words, adverted his eyes – god his eyes… They looked wearier than yesterday. His complexion had grown paler too.

“You’ve been really out of it lately. You wanna tell me what’s wrong?”

“I’m just t–”

“And don’t say you’re tired. You say that every time I ask you.”

He thought for a moment – a little too long for a simple question.

He sighed with a shrug following afterwards. “I haven’t been sleeping well. What else do you want me to say?”

I wasn’t going to fall for that excuse again. I grabbed his arm and ordered him to follow me, not that he had a choice since I had a grip on him. I hastily dragged him into the boys’ bathroom, ignoring his protests. It was a good thing he didn’t have the will to wholeheartedly refuse either.

I pushed the door open and Sungmin just so happened to be diligently washing his hands, which was perfect.

“Sungmin,” I said, “Tell the teacher that Donghae and I will be late to class. Also tell her to hold off the attendance for a bit.”

“Roger that.” Sungmin saluted in the process of drying off his hands. “Can’t guarantee she’ll comply, but I’ll mention it to her.”

I nodded sharply, thanking him.

I waited for Sungmin to leave. It was now just us two in the bathroom now, free to talk privately. 

“Tell me what’s wrong.” I asked again.

He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again. His glance then broke contact from mine. I knew there wasn’t going to be any progress if I waited for an answer. Abruptly, I hooked my arm around his waist, pulling him forward into my arms. He gasped. “What the hell?!” He yelled, trying to pry himself apart from me. I let go, forcing him against the wall instead. I leaned in close, gazing strong enough for him to keep his eyes looking at me.

“Donghae,” I whispered hoarsely, “I know something is wrong. So won’t you tell me?”

His words seemed to be lost. He still wouldn’t say anything. But his face did. He suddenly got angry.

“Get off of me!”

His hand swung at me, making me back away to dodge. It gave him the opportunity to escape, but I was quick to get ahold of his shoulder. Bad choice… Maybe I should’ve let him go because he fisted my collar and pulled me toward his face. He spoke with an enraged tone. His eyes resembling those of a savage animal that broke free from its cage.

“I don’t want to talk about it so don’t ask me about it. We’re going to go to class and act like nothing’s wrong, got that?”

He let go, leaving a befuddled me behind. I felt like I was just shot, but when I touched my collar there was no blood.

I stared at the close door that separated me from the Donghae that was furiously striding away. I made sure to follow a good distance behind him after I fixed my shirt. We didn’t talk for the rest of the day nor did we sit together for lunch the next day. The worrying thoughts of the walls I worked hard to break down clouded my mind. His aggressive behavior wouldn’t stop replaying over and over. I never knew he could look so upset. I never expected him to grab my shirt or be so pained to do so.

There are still so many parts of his world I don’t understand and he won’t let me… I won’t accept that…

The very next day I woke up thinking about Donghae. It wasn’t a coincidence that he was the first thing that popped up in my mind either.

While chewing cereal, I folded my fingers in between each other and kept them sticking out. I stared really hard at the box, almost as if I was having a staring contest with the mascot. Nothing was processing well.

“What’s with the brooding face?” Heechul walked passed me.

I averted my sight away from the box to look at him. “Heechul, can you give me some advice?”

“It depends. What’s it about?”

“How do you get someone you like to tell you something?”

“Who is this person?”

“Just answer my question.”

“Excuse me?”

“Please.”

Heechul rolled his eyes and sat down near me, pouring a cup of coffee. I handed him the sugar and cream.

“Well, ask them about it.”

“I wouldn’t be asking you about that if I didn’t already try that option. Is there anything else?”

“Then earn their trust.”

Trust? I already have Donghae’s trust. Right? Do I?

“Tell them about yourself and maybe they’ll tell you more about their life.”

I nodded approving of the idea. It sounded like it could work. Maybe Donghae’s just feeling fickle and he can’t trust anyone with his feelings, yet. Now I just needed to make up with him. I thanked my uncle.

“Say?” I said. “Have you ever loved someone you couldn’t reach or understand?”

Heechul took a gulp of his coffee, surprised. “Yes, I have.”

“How did you deal with it?”

“I simply waited. I waited for him and he waited for me. There was a lot of waiting involved, because it’s not easy to understand someone just like that. Humans are complicated beings. If you rush, it’s too much pressure and it’ll disrupt the natural flow of your relationship. So you have to wait until their ready.”

“Him?”

“Him.”

“What ever happened with ‘Him’?”

Heechul held his mug of coffee with both hands, letting the heat warm him up. He looked longing into it like he had done it many times before. His look was so intent that the longing was gone.

“How’s Donghae doing?” He asked.

Donghae didn’t come to school. In fact, he missed the next day after that. I had a strange hutch that something happen or went wrong, but I tried to stay positive. Please let it be just a cold. I prayed. If he was in a bad mood, it might not be able to resolve our little ‘fight’.

The advice Heechul gave me was really helpful, especially the last part. Oddly enough, I had never known he fell in love with a man or that he was gay – he was the first person I came out to too, though it was strange to see his face soften at the mention of this man. A man I’ve never met or heard of before. I guess it really does take time to understand and build connections.

After the two days of Donghae’s absence, the third day came rolling by and he still didn’t come. I was really beginning to worry that my imagination would get the best of me and think up the worst scenarios. When someone didn’t come to school for three consecutive days and didn’t contact any one the entire time, there had to be something off about it. I recalled my uncle’s words. ‘I simply waited’.

I was willing to wait for Donghae, no matter how long it took. That was how much I wanted him. If I had to force myself, I’d do it for him.

Fourth day: Finally, I saw his beautiful face, healthier than the last time we last met. He was walking like normal, nothing unusual. I caught up to by his side.

“Hey.” I greeted him.

“Hey.” He said.

“You’ve been gone for a while, were you sick?”

“No, I just skipped the first day to think. The rest were to take care of Kibum’s Omma. She had a 102 degrees fever (Fahrenheit) (About 39 degrees Celsius). And Kibum's y'know... Training.”

I thought about his first sentence, but only talked about the second one out of respect for his privacy. Something I learned I should be more careful of.

“Is she okay?”

“…”

He was dazed, staring at the air again…

“Is she okay? I repeated.

“Huh? Oh yeah, she’s better, still sick.”

He fell back into that daze. I left him alone this time.

The drama teacher welcomed everyone in with excitement written all over her face. She directed everyone to be seated before she would reveal the news she was so fidgety and happy about.

“Class! I am proud to announce that SM will have its first musical this year and it’s, drum roll please!... Beauty and the Beast!”

I applauded along with the class. From the corner of my eye, I snuck a glance over at Donghae. He had his head down, not caring. Weird…

“But! There’s a catch! There will be an untraditional audition. All that is required is for you to sign up for either a cast member or backstage worker with your name and grade and the school will vote for your rolls by filling out a question sheet I will have created once auditions are over. Auditions will begin next week from 4 – 6 after school for all grade levels! Please come and join! Let’s work together to make this a grand musical!”

Mrs. Young transitioned to the subjects of famous musicals and the masterpieces created, and the rest I didn’t really hear since my thoughts were already on the play. The untraditional audition system intrigued me.

I could just imagine Donghae being the Beast and me being Belle because that’s really how it was right now. I wouldn’t dream of myself being Belle, but I can sure relate. How did she deal with Beast? My memories of the movie were pretty vague. It’s been 8 years after all. However, I’m positive there had something to do with patience. Belle totally looked like the type to wait for others.

The bell rang and the teacher dismissed us, gathering paperwork together.

The first thing that came to mind was find Donghae.

“You should audi–”

“No.”

“Why not? You like acting right?”

“I do, but…”

“But…?” I persisted.

“Never mind. I just don’t want to”

“Come on, I’ll audition with you.” I added.

“Thanks,” he half smiled, “but it’s alright. You don’t have to.”

“No, I want to though. Just sign your name and stuff. You’ll never know what you’ll get~” I continued. “It’s a musical, it’ll be… Interesting.” I just realized I would have to sing if I joined…

“See, you forgot you’d have to sing right?” He teased.

I blushed, “So? I’ll sing if I have to, but if I have to sing, you have to join too.”

He thought about it one more time.

“Just my name and grade, right?”

I nodded.

“Fine.” He smirked.

I don’t know why but I suddenly felt a great sense of accomplishment and the sound of a subtle musical notes singing in my ears. It wasn’t a symphony, but it was a start.