~Donghae~

Mrs. Young was more than satisfied with our performance. I could tell by the big, crooked smile on her face she always did when she was proud. After us, pair two went next and then pair three and so on until we are all dismissed to leave and get our belongings from the classroom. Discreetly, I was smiling. In the end, Hyukjae and I gave it our all. It actually surprised me when he cried. He never did that during rehearsal. He told me that he’d unleash his tears when it really mattered, but I was dubious if he really could. An amateur doesn't easily pull off such a stunt, even professionals used fake tears when they shot their dramatic scenes, but at long last I will admit I may had underestimated his talents.

He and I met outside on a sidewalk on school campus. His smile radiated with a fresh look of success. “I told you we could do it.” He teased, shoving his hands down into his pockets.

“Hey, I never said we couldn’t.” I retorted with a smile as I playfully punch his arm.

He subtly flinched. “That kiss was great, by the way.” He said. My face turned hot from remembering the touch of his cushiony lips on mine. I felt embarrassed by just the thought of it.

“I-I was just in character.” I couldn’t make eye contact with him. It would only make him tease me more if he knew how uneasy I was. And uneasy was one Hyukjae's favorite emotions to evoke out of self-conscious people.

“Suuuuure.” Hyukjae smirked while crossing his arms.

“I was. But you seemed like you really enjoyed it.” I teased back, fighting the urge to crawl into a corner.

“And if I did?”

Both my eyebrows rose. I was able to make eye contact with him again, curious if I aroused any feelings of such pleasure. “Did you?”

Hyukjae shrugged. “Like I said, it was a great kiss.”

I nodded, agreeing with him, I think? That was my first time kissing a guy. Well, my first time initiating a kiss with a guy. During practices, we decided to skip the kiss scene to avoid any unnecessary quarrels. Like how Hyukjae said he’d cry when it mattered, I said I’d kiss him when I was ready. And I had to prepare quickly since time really flies by with a deadline.

I felt a tap on my shoulder just as I was about to strike up a different conversation. I turned around and Hyukjae did too. Hyoyeon stood behind us, awkwardly biting her lip. Hyukjae frowned, but I lightly kicked his shin to be nicer.

“You guys… Did a great job.” She mumbled.

I thanked her for her praise, but her ex-fiancé was stunned for a second. He thanked her too afterwards and she left to find her ride.

I was changing into some of Kibum’s clothes when I realized how comfortable I was getting. Not that I was ever uncomfortable in the first place, but Kibum's clothes were disappearing from his closet twice as fast and he was nearly out. Not only that, Kibum's Omma was also making enough food for a family of four to eat. I counted the days and found that it been a week since I left. A week is usually the longest I would stay over whenever my parents and I had a fight. There was no other place for me to go and despite knowing how fully welcomed I was. I didn't like the fact of myself throwing extra weight for them to carry. It was probably a good time to go back to see how things were – to see how Jason was holding off with my absence. When I left the house, it meant leaving Jason behind with the aftermath of another fight. I never told him why I would leave, but Jason knew how to read in between the line. His mind was keen and he never invaded my privacy with trivial matters like loneliness. Although I always wondered if he was.

I let out a defeated sigh. It was indeed time to go back when worries of Jason clustered my mind.

Reluctantly, I told Kibum that I was going back to my place.

“Donghae, are you sure?” He asked, like how he always did. I had a slight hunch he knew I was thinking of myself as an extra limb a person didn't need on their body.

“Yeah, they should have probably gotten over the incident already – I hope…”

“Well at least leave your backpack. You know, just in case something doesn’t go right.”

“And if it does go right?”

“You can still come back.” He smiled.

His words reassured me, giving me the confidence to deal with any punishment thrown at me by my parents. In times of struggle, I knew I could always come back to his home. This was my haven and they were my long lost family. I lightly patted his cheek.

“I’m off then.”

Once I took the first step outside, I wasn't so sure anymore. A deep panic began to spread through me. I was regretting the idea of ever considering that I was prepared to face the consequences. With every step I took, it was a step closer to a place I was no longer wanted, a place where I didn’t belong. I wished for a sign - anything that could convince me to turn back, retreating to the haven I’d much rather call home. Going back to see my parents after arguments was common for me, but this was different. A lot more happened on that night then I had anticipated. Of course it wasn’t planned – A sudden impulse – An action sparked by anger. Oddly enough, regret or guilt did not eat at me as much as it was fear. It was fear that was ripping me apart from inside until it could make its way out, showing the world the mistakes I've done.

I already knew my parents wouldn’t be home until night, so I somewhat confidently rang the doorbell to my own house. Jason opened the door, but a chained lock kept it from opening all the way. As soon as he recognized that it was me, he closed the door and unhooked the lock to open it, welcoming me in. He used to throw his arms around me and whined for hours about how scared he was that I would never come back. Now it seemed he's outgrown it. That, or he just grew used to me coming back whenever. Either way, both gave me this sad feeling like I've failed at my role as a Hyung –Someone he could've looked up to and learned from. Instead I ran away.

“It’s been a whole week, Hyung. I was getting worried.”

Jason led me into the living room and we both sat down on the coach. He deliberately didn't look at me. One thing I knew for sure was that even though he stopped worrying when I would come home, he always worried how I'd fix the gap of my absence. Life for my parents didn't change whether I was present or not, but it did effect his. The tension was never completely gone and it may never be.

“You don’t have to worry. You know I’m in good hands when I’m with Kibum.” I assured him, keeping an even tone. I saw all his homework sprawled all over the coffee table. Most of it finished. Right before I was able to ask if he needed help with it, he spoke.

“Are you not in good hands when you’re with us?”

I bit my tongue to hold myself back from just saying ‘No’.

“I’m in good hands, but I don’t think I’m in the right hands.” I said carefully. I knew Jason and he could understand things normal 12 years olds didn't. I preferred him to stay oblivious, but sometimes I could feel him putting up a facade just to spare me of the guilt that he was painfully aware of hostility in this house hold.

“Because they don’t approve of you being an actor?”

There was more, but I left my reply simple. “Yeah.”

“Why don't they?”

I didn’t answer. Jason’s eyes broke away from nowhere in particular and connected with mine.

“Even if they don't support your dreams, remember that I hope for one day I can turn on the TV and see Hyung's face there – happy."

Again, I didn’t answer. I only nodded with a pained smile.

It’s time to stop hiding things from him...

“Donghae,” Jason looked at me seriously, like it was a conversation between two adults. The eyes of an innocent young boy ceased to exist and I was now looking into a completely different person. His eyes struck me as old, but far more genuine than the boy who played dumb. “I know about the car. I know what happened before that too. Omma and Appa... They do not love you as they once did, do they?” He looked hurt. Hurt for my sake.

“Things change.” I told him.  

“I know… But you don’t have to keep pretending and I don't want to keep pretending either. I see everything – the way you guy look at each other, speak to each other. I also know that things ‘changed’ after I was adopted. I didn’t realize it then, but I’m not stupid.” He sighed sadly. “I’m sorry.”

A chill went up my spine and my heart ached at his words. He was apologizing for something that wasn’t his fault. I wanted to pull him into my arms, hold him to my chest and let out every word of reassurance that I knew, but I was in no state to do so. “No.” I said. “I should be sorry. I didn’t want you to know, I didn’t want you to worry even though you always did and I was never there. I’m not worthy as a brother, let alone a son for our parents. You were meant to be their son. A son they could be proud of. I’m not.”

“Don’t say such things.” Jason frowned deeply, dropping his gaze. “I was never meant to be their son. I had parents – terrible ones, but I’ve never had a brother. Donghae, you, are my brother. If anything, we were meant to be brothers. I don’t care for their approval, I don’t fear being unloved, but I hate being helpless more than anything. I don’t want to be a reason you for to stay and suffer.”

I the top of his hair. “Don’t burden yourself with this. It’s my problem and mine alone.”

“Leave.” He said.

My hand stopped his hair, shocked at what he said.

“Leave,” He repeated “Go somewhere better. This house is no good. I can’t stand to see you abused like this.”

I found it ironic how Jason was a victim of child abuse who was telling me to leave this house to escape from neglect and abuse. I knew exactly what he meant and I couldn’t help but think how sad it made me feel. I scooted closer to him and wrapped my arms around his thin frame. He managed to wrap his around me too. Gently, I laid a small kiss on his forehead and we stayed together like that for just a little longer until we broke apart, turning on the TV to watch our favorite shows. I left my arm hanging around his shoulders and he rested his head against it. Never had I felt so close to him. He looked at me with his soft, brown eyes and smiled. A beautiful smile of sorrow and resilience, one I would never forget. I knew everything was going to be okay.

“Leave me your number,” He added. “So that when I get a phone I can text you.”

The sound of the garage opening added more heart beats to my already fast pounding organ. They didn’t know I was here and I didn’t want to face them either, but Jason was with me. However, he could only keep me calm for so long. I’ve had a lot of time to think while we were watching dramas together. I pretty much came to the conclusion that tonight was going to be the night that things were going to be settled.

They called Jason to help set up dinner and I shyly followed behind, but I stopped half way when I suddenly heard my parents speak, the topic was about me.

“How long has it been already? 7 days? Your son must not understand that we work hard to keep a roof over his head, yet he goes and stays under another family’s roof.” My dad scoffed.

“My son? Don’t you mean your son?” My mom retorted with a displeasing tone.

“I don’t remember ever having such a foolish son.” My dad laughs. Jason remained quiet, but I still heard his light footsteps as he set down bowls. “Jason,” He called. “Come here.”

I heard him obediently walking towards our dad.

“Have you gotten taller?” He asked proudly as if it was a great achievement.

“I have.” Jason confirmed, laughing a bit strangely. He knew I was listening. Probably wondering when I would show myself.

“Of course, he’s a very healthy boy. He’ll be taller then you one day, maybe.” My mom giggled. I heard her turn the stove off. The smell of food filled the house. I liked Kibum’s mom’s cooking better. Her cooking smelled of a sweet aroma with rich flavors while my mom’s cooking was like artificial everything.

“He’ll need to grow a lot more to pass my height.” My dad chuckled.

I was already, passed my dad’s height…

“Jason, why did you grab an extra bowl and chopsticks out?” My mom questioned.

There’s my chance. I marched the rest of the way down the stairs and turned the corner and into the kitchen where the dining room was also located.

“I’m sorry, that’s for me.” I smiled innocently.

The paralyzed expression on their faces made me want to laugh. They had no idea I’d be back and they might have been even more horrified that I was listening to them the entire time.

My mom collected her composure first by clearing . “You’re back.”

“I am.”

“Sit down.” My dad ordered. Our eyes met, the same expressionless eyes of his greeted me. Come to think of it, those were his first words he said to me in a while.

I sat down with a full bowl of white rice sitting in front of me. We all started eating. The tension had built up quickly. Every time they took a bite of food, they glared at me, but I returned the look back.

Finally, my mom spoke, “Donghae, let’s have a talk.”

I placed my bowl down with my chopsticks resting diagonally on top of them. Sitting back with my arms crossed, I replied calmly, “And talk we shall. You have my full attention.”

“Don’t talk to your Omma like that.” My dad growled at me. I ignored him as if I never heard him utter a single word.

“I’m sure you remember what happened to my car windshield last week.” My mom begins.

“Of course I do, quite vividly actually.”

I saw her patience diminishing. “Well, we’ve decided to let your punishment slide. We’ve also decided to let you continue going to SM. Do you know why?”

“Why?”

“Because we’ve decided to let you fail.” My dad answered for her. “You’re going to fail and we will not be there to help you when you do. This is from your own choice of disobeying.”

My mom continues, “Yes, you’ve decided this path on your own. We’ve already done our part in trying to guild you and provide you with these opportunities you’ve refused to take, so now we are no longer going to support you once you graduate. You will have to deal with things on your o–”

“Hasn’t it already been like that?” I looked at both my parents with bitter eyes. I scoffed, which was just as bitter. “Why wait until I graduate when you guys have practically given up on me 4 years ago. I’m just someone who is taking up space in this house. I know you’ve wanted me long gone since the day I enrolled into SM so let’s cut to the chase.”

“You ungrateful ch–”

I interrupted my mom. “I’ve hardly ever been ungrateful, but you guys turn your faces away from me. I’ve always managed on my own. Tell me, what should I be grateful for? Food? Water? Shelter? Let me tell you one thing, Omma, Appa, if you have given me anything, it’s the bones of your love that I starved on and the pain of disapproval. I’ve had enough of either.”

“What are you trying to say?” My mom impatiently blurted.

"My point is that I’m leaving. You can rejoice once I’m gone. You can have that perfect family you’ve always wanted without me. I don’t plan on coming back either.”

My mom looked at me like I was crazy, but my dad sat across from me with a blank face. His tone was sharp and agitated from my haughtiness.

“Then get out of my house. Never come back. I’ll kill you if you ever step foot on my property ever again.”

I winced from his harsh words, but I understood it loud and clear. He was fine with my own disownment, but I’ve already been abandoned long ago. I stood up from my seat and headed towards my room to pack a few things. Some spare clothes, my phone charger, and other things that I might need. There was still a lot of room in the bag, but I didn’t own many things.

I went back downstairs and into the kitchen/dining room.

“Sell my stuff, give them to Jason, burn them, do whatever you guys want. From now on, you guys are no longer my parents and I am no longer your guy’s son.”

I turned around to take my leave, forever. But I stopped and turned my head, only showing the side of my face to them.

“Oh yeah, Key goes to SM Academy now.” After that last message, I closed the door behind me. But on that same night, I couldn’t stop thinking about Jason, who stayed silent through the fight, who watched with careful eyes, who gave me one last smile of love before I left. I may have starved on bones, but he kept me alive until the very end.

 I know that Jason was an airhead in the beginning or just ignorant of what was going on around him, but even a child notices things they're underestimated for. I decided to make him more than just a child of love, but a child who also knew pain. So I used that to connect Donghae and Jason closer as brothers. Now Donghae has broken ties with his parents even though he is still underaged, but they don't seem to mind one bit. Also, he has the Saturday audition to prepare for with Kibum who he will now be staying with. What will happen next? Hyoyeon is actually praising Hyukjae and Donghae on their performance? What is she thinking? More Eunhae to come. Thank you~