~Donghae~

I buried my face deep into my pillow. My hands clenched onto it, wanting to squeeze all my embarrassment out. I’ve really done it. I’ve really done something weird I shouldn’t have… My breathing was suffocating from the blockage of air. Turning over, I now was lying on my back, trying to calm down.

The palms of my hands covered my eyes. I tried my best to think of another subject, but every time I see the darkness, the memory floats out like a dream. Everything just happened on its own whether I had had any rational thoughts or not, I had no control. I felt like I was at some sort of limit at the time. 

After kissing Hyukjae’s neck, I could tell he was surprised. His eyes were opened so wide, but still, I looked at him with such provocative eyes. My arms embraced him like he meant something to me, something I needed – no, something I wanted. I wanted more of his comfort. I didn’t understand why it felt so good to have his arms wrapped around me. It was strange – very strange... Just thinking about it didn’t seem right, but it totally felt right when it happened.

I turned over to the right, facing the wall. A huff of air blew out of my nose from frustration.

The way he touched my face and returned the same gaze I was giving him didn’t help at all either. I can still hear his smooth, low voice consoling me.

“Do you feel better?”

I remember snapping back to normal at that point. I released him and he likewise read what was going on. He let go of me and my face was as red as cherries. A feeling told me to just leave, but of course I replied first before I left. My feet led me all the way to class and I recall sitting at my desk with my arms crossed and my faced hidden in them. There was nothing else I could think of except for that incident. Even now, back from school, at home, it was the only thing on my mind.

But while stressing over what had not too long ago happened, there were some serious things that I was now questioning myself based on that moment and other occurrences similar to that.

Do I… Like Hyukjae… In that way?

No. Certainly not. I just needed comfort. It’s no different than the look I give Jessica sometimes, right? It was only an act of alleviating my sadness. I can’t be falling for a guy, that’s not right. Wait, that’s not what I meant. People have the freedom to love the same gender. Nothing wrong with that. Hyukjae’s gay. But I don’t know if it’s right for me to start liking him in that manner. I’m straight after all. I’ve never been attracted to guys my whole life. So why do I feel that way towards him all of a sudden? I don’t get it.

My body curled up into a ball. I grabbed my hair like I was going insane. It could all just be a phase or pointless doubt, but what if it’s not? What if it’s really a crush and I do like him in that way? What do I do?

It… It just feels unsettling – scary. How will Kibum and his parents think of me? How will my friends react? Just imagining it engulfs me in this fear of uncertainty.

I didn’t want to lose more people…

Few days later, I managed to put everything in the back of my head and resume school life. I tried not to act as noticeably cautious of Hyukjae because he’d definitely know if I am and I’m pretty sure anyone would feel offended or upset about that.

Lately, I’ve been trying to hang out with different people. I realized that I have been isolating myself in a circle with only close friends during lunch and outside of school, so now I’m trying to be more open since my main two friends pretty much have their own independent lives to live.

I spotted Jonghyun in the hallway.

“Hey, Jonghyun, wanna hang out after school?”

He half smiled apologetically, “Sorry, Hyung. I got after school choir. After that I need to head straight home or else my mom’s gonna be mad.”

I shook my head. “It’s fine, have fun at choir.”

I left, in search for someone else to spend time with after school. Not long, I found Amber, but she said the same thing. ‘Cept her excuse was art club. I saw Kibum and that was an obvious ‘no’. He’s already busy as it is. He doesn’t have time to hang out and entertain me. Jessica and I just broke up, so if might feel awkward for us.

“Hey, Siwon? Got time after school?”

“No, why?” He sounded like he really didn’t want to be bothered. Along with his height and strong physique, the atmosphere felt even more menacing. I couldn’t tell if he was glaring at me or just staring really hard because of bad eyesight, but I backed away.

“Never mind. It’s nothing. Sorry to have bothered you!” I sped walked off.

I asked Sungmin, Yoona, Key, and I few other people that I kinda knew and all of them already had plans or were busy today. By the time school ended, I watched on a bench as the students flooded out of the school doors and left. The campus was pretty much empty after a few minutes and I was the only one who still had nothing better to do. Out of boredom, I leaned my head back and let it just dangle there to stare at the things behind me, upside-down. I even started clicking my tongue to make some noises so it wasn’t so quiet. This was the best entertainment I had at the moment… This is lame…

“Donghae?” I heard someone say.

My head instantly flung back to face right side-up. I felt dizzy from moving so fast. My sight was moving in weird swirls. Fortunately, I didn’t need a clear vision to recognize who it was. I could already tell by his distinctive voice that soothed my nerves, but also made them go crazy.

Ba-dump

Just stay calm…

“Hyukjae? What are you doing here?”

“My ride isn’t here yet, so I’m just chilling until he comes.”

“Your ride? Hasn’t it already been like 30 minutes?”

He rubbed the nape of his neck, “Traffic?”

I nodded. Looks like I’m not the only one out here. Given his background, I presume he’s got things to do too.

“What about you? Why’re you just sitting here alone?”

“Well,” I explained. “I was planning to hang out with someone, but everyone already had their own activities to do, so I’m stuck here alone and I don’t want feel like going home either.”

He sat down next to me. “How many people did you ask?”

I told him the people and about how Siwon has been having this scary presence when you go up and talk to him recently and how I feel like a little mouse compared to him. Hyukjae goes on and calls me short and I slap his arm really hard. He flinched and we laughed, but mostly I did – at his pain.

We conversed more about different topics, but I totally forgot he was just waiting for his ride. My smile dropped when a black mustang pulled up in front of us. Waving a sad goodbye to him, he got into the car.

I was expecting the car to drive away and ditch me, but it just stayed there and Hyukjae suddenly came out.

“Umm… Do you wanna come over to my place since you’ve got nothin’ to do?”

I don’t know why, but I became flustered at his out of the blue invitation.

“Oh no, I can’t. I’d be too much of a bother and–”

“Just come,” He grabbed my wrist. “You look so god damn lonely sittin’ here by yourself. If you were a bother I wouldn’t be inviting you in the first place. Now let’s go.”

That was all it took to convince me to get in the car with him. Jeeze, if it was some stranger and I was feeling like how I was yesterday with Hyukjae and got into their car, there’s no kidding that I’d get or kidnapped like an idiot looking for attention.

“Good to see you again, Donghae. Am I right?” The driver said. Who was he again? Heechul?

“Yes, it’s good to see you too, Mr. Heechul.” I grinned.

“Glad you’re coming over again. Hyukjae’s a total loner when he’s got no one to keep him company at home. So it’s refreshing to see him inviting friends over once in a while.”

“You could leave out the loner part.” Hyukjae grumbled.

I giggled. “Well that makes the two of us then.”

“Two?” Heechul questioned.

“My best friend Kibum’s gone living in the dorms of Pearl Entertainment now. And my ahhh girlfriend just–”

“O-Kay! That’s enough of the loner talk,” Hyukjae interrupted. “Let’s talk about better things.”

“But he was–”

He gave a warning glare at Heechul, who couldn’t see it since his eyes were on the road. “Better things, I said!” repeated Hyukjae.

I guess Heechul finally got the hint, but I didn’t mind telling him about it at all. It wasn’t like I was in any dying pain or suffering. Sure we’ve been together for two years, but we’ve been childhood friends for longer so it wasn’t a heartbreaking experience. However, I have no one to kiss or seek comfort for like how I did with her anymore, which is a bummer.

“Alright then. How about the skit you guys created. How’d the performance go?”

He really had to bring up the skit thing out of all things, it had to be that? When I’m in a ‘questioning my uality’ crisis, he brings up the most intimate and gayest thing Hyukjae and I did together.

“I-It went great. We got the highest grade for it.” I said.

“Yeah, you should’ve been there.” Hyukjae added.

“I heard from Miss Hyoyeon that you two kissed”

“W-we did…” I confirmed shyly. My face heated up and turned a light pink. I tried not to remember, but it was too memorable to forget.

“I think the teacher said we were very bold to do that and it was by far the most surprising moment out of all the skits.”

Hyukjae nudged me with a gummy smile. “See, what did I say? Told you the kiss would be a great idea.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes, yes. Loner Hyukjae was right.”

In a way, I was kinda glad Hyukjae suggested that idea.

Heechul dropped us off at their mini mansion and left to return to work. Knowing that Hyukjae and I were alone at his place made me feel tense. I took a moment to shake my head.

Get it together.

Hyukjae glanced at me. “Why do you look so worried for? It’s not like I’m going to jump you or anything – unless you want to be jumped.”

“Hell no.”

He shrugged. “Kidding. I was just kidding.”

I gave him a skeptical look.

“What? I’m serious. I won’t do anything to you. But if you can’t resist my good looks and stuff goes down, it ain’t my fault.” He boasted.

I didn’t budge.

“Staaaaaaaaahp! You’re making me feel like a ert.” (Stooooooooop)

“Can I really trust you on that?”

He sighed. “Do you wanna tie my hands and legs up or something?” He joked. But then his face turned serious. “Wait, forget I said that. No ropes or tying up. I’m not gonna do anything. I already told you – Plus, if I did, Heechul would kill me.”

Seeing how serious he was about not touching me made me laugh for some reason. I’ve never seen him so serious before.

We sat on the big, luxurious couches with the hand sewn pillows. He crossed his legs and leaned back into the soft cushions. I sat up straight, expecting him to say something that involves at least some productivity because right now we were doing nothing productive.

“What now?” He said.

I scoffed. “I don’t know, aren’t you supposed to think of something. I’m the guest, aren’t I?”

“Yeah, a boring one.”

“Well excuse me. You’re the one who asked me to come over.”

“It was off a whim. And what was I supposed to do? Leave you there to sulk all day?”

“I wasn’t sulking, and for your information, I would’ve been totally fine.”

“Hey, you should be grateful that someone as generous as me is willing to hang out with you when no one else will.”

“Uh, they totally would if they weren’t busy. Also, it didn’t have to be you.”

“Again, you’d still be bored out of your mind on that bench if I didn’t save you from that.”

“Oh, and this is any better?”

“Better than being a freakin’ loner.”

“Who’s lonely? I’ve still got plenty of friends.”

“Yeah but right now you’ll have to settle with your handsome friend Hyukjae whose brought you into his magnificent home.”

“God, you are cocky as hell. How could I–” I stopped myself.

Crap, I was about to say ‘How could I possible like a guy like you’

“How could you wh–”

Ding dong

“Get the door.” I ordered him.

“I know.” He said with a frown.

I took a deep breath. It’s good timing like this that I’m really thankful for. That situation could’ve been dangerous. He got up to answer the door and not long a woman walked into the living room, where I was.

“Oh a friend! How wonderful! It’s rare to see Mr. Hyukjae with his own guests.” She clapped. “Please take good care of him.” She bowed.

She was smiling so brightly and in a maid uniform too. She looked young and cheerful.

“Donghae, this is Victoria, our housekeeper who comes to clean the house every other day. Victoria this is Donghae. I go to school with him.”

“Wonderful, wonderful!” She cheered. “Nice to meet you!”

I acknowledged her greeting. Hyukjae sat back on the couch while Victoria began dusting things. She hummed to a tune while she did so. I watched as she twirled around and spun. Her job almost seemed enjoyable just by looking at her dance around in a maid’s outfit. She kinda reminded me of a fairy.

“Oh! How about we drive to the city and hang around there.”

“Beats lazing around here, I guess. You have a car or something?”

“Now I do.” He smirked. I followed where the direction his eyes were pointing and it guided me towards Victoria. What was he trying to imply by looking at her?

“Victoria~ Can I borrow your car?”

She smiled towards us and held up her hand with keys dangling from her index finger.

“I knew you were going to ask. Be back here by 8 and drive safe. Heechul would fire me if he found out, so do be very careful.”

Hyukjae snatched the keys. “Thanks, Vic. I promise, this’ll only stay between us.”

She giggled with a sparkling, wide smile. “Great!”

He gestured me with a jerk of his head to go with him. It surprised me how easy it was to obtain her car keys. I wonder if he does this often.

“Where do you wanna go?”

In an instant I said, “To the carnival.”

“Really? You don’t wanna watch a movie or eat somewhere?”

“Nope, carnvial.”

“Alright then.” He agreed.

During this time of year, there’s usually a fall carnival. Jason and I would go there all the time without our parents knowing… I mean his parents

Once we’ve arrived there, I could feel my inner kid making its way out. He bought our tickets and we walked in.

“Look, look! They Ferris wheel this year is huge! Can you hear that? Those people’s screams are so loud! We should go on the roller coasters!”

“Which one?”

“All of them!”

“I-I don’t think we should.”

I grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him closer. “You’re not gonna chicken out on me, Lee Hyukjae. We’re doing this. I don’t care what you say.”

I could literally hear his loud gulp in this crowded environment, which made my smile knowing that he was scared. It just makes it that much more fun when someone is nervous or petrified.

“Let’s go on this one first!” I decided, dragging him with me. It was called the Missile. It looked really fast and the ride is even in the shape of a missile. One by one it was being loaded. I chose the front for Hyukjae and me.

“Ready?” I asked him.

“N-no. I-I’m not ready. Can I p-please get off?” He begged.

The attendant was going back and forth checking all the seat belts and restraints. They made sure it was nice and tight.

“There’s no going back. You’re gonna do this.”

The ride only moved slightly and Hyukjae had already made a small squeal. He was trembling and panicking. Soon, the ride took off and we began to ascend up the chain lift to a great height.

“D-Donghae, I wanna get off!”

“No can do, it’s already moving!”

He closed his eyes when we got to the peak of the ramp. To see him so scared with an ‘I’m gonna pee in my pants’ face was hilarious and amusing. I couldn’t wait to go on more rides with him.

Woosh!

The roller coaster dashed down the track in intense speed. I could barely keep my eyes open because of all the wind. I was yelling, but Hyukjae was literally screaming his head off. He looked so frightened and terrified with every loop and sharp turn. Before I could pay attention to the ride, it had already stopped. Hyukjae was panting wildly. His head leaned on the restraint to rest.

“Is it over?” He asked. His face was pale. A good result, in my opinion. Even Jason was never as scared as he was or pale. But if he enjoyed it then that’s all that matter because I’ve been on this ride dozens of times. It never gets old though.

The ride started moving again. The looked on his face was priceless.

“W-what’s going on?!”

“You honestly didn’t think it was gonna end this fast did you?”

“A-actually, I-I was hoping it kinda did.”

I reached for his hand and held it.

“Get ready.” I warned him.

“…” He cussed.

We went on 2 more roller coasters and some other fast rides. Every time we got off a ride, I already had another in mind.

“Hurry up!” I called to Hyukjae, still high in energy.

He was slowly making his way at his own pace at catch up with me. I stop to wait for him.

“I don’t th-think I can go on another ride. I don’t f-feel so good.”

“You’ll be fine.” I assured.

“N-no. I won’t…”

He held onto my arm and rested his forehead on my shoulder. He was controlling his breathing, probably so he wouldn’t puke. His face was all white and he did seem wobbly when he walked. I began to grow a little concerned for him. He was in such a vulnerable state. It’d be bad if something happened to him.

“Alright. Let’s take a break.”

We made our way to the nearest bench and rested there. His breathing changed and he covered his eyes with his forearm.

“I don’t even think I can go on the kiddy rides and no get dizzy or nauseated.” Hyukjae groaned.

“Psh, and you said I was the boring guest.” I teased.

He moaned like he was really sick. It sounded really serious now. I started to feel bad.

“Sorry…”

His head turned to look at me. “For what?”

“For making you feel sick.” I replied gloomily.

He smiled, “Hey, I might look bad right now, but I had a lot of fun. I’m still having fun. Just being here with you on the bench makes me happy. So stop making that face.”

My face brightened up. “So that means we can go on another one?”

“Oh god, no.”

I chuckled. “I’m joking. You rest here. I need to go to the bathroom.”

At least he was having fun. I still felt bad, but he wouldn’t smile otherwise if he wasn’t happy, right? I made my way to the restroom, but on my way I recognized someone.  I was instantly stunned upon seeing him.

“Jason!” I cried. I ran to him. He saw me and his eyes widened. I opened my arms to hug the life out of him and he began talking in fast gibberish about how much he’s missed me.

“I knew you’d be here! I had a feeling, so I came. We always come here on this day.” Jason said. He looked like he was about to cry.

“It’s been a little more than a month. There’s no need to cry over a month of separation.” I felt like shedding a tear or two too.

“I know…” He smiled, wiping his eyes. “Are you here alone?”

“No, I’m with a friend. He’s waiting for me, so I gotta go, alright? I’m really glad we got to see each other again.”

“Me too. Oh! Appa said he was going to get me a phone soon, but I'm not exactly sure when." He scratched his scalp.

"That's great news." I grinned.

We hugged for the last time before we had to separate again when we just got reunited. As I was about to let go, someone forcefully pulled my shirt collar back and Jason away from me.

“Sir, don’t you dare touch my son! I’ll call the police if I ever see you do that or anything else ever again.” That cold, bleak voice. It was no mistake that it was her. My real Omma.

She kept Jason close to her side, standing across from me. She glared at me with her angry eyes. “Don’t touch my son like you know him.” She scowled. She turned to Jason with now her gentle eyes. Jason on the other hand was stunned, like someone had popped a balloon right in his face. “Jason, I thought I taught you not to talk with strangers. Omma will be very upset if something happens to you.”

With not much of a choice, Jason snapped out of his shocked state and nodded. “Y-yes, Omma.” He glanced over at me one last time apologetically and then turned his back towards me, walking away with my ‘use to be’ Omma. I was about to ask them to wait, but I refrained myself from doing that.

Stranger… Since I’m no longer their son, I’m a stranger to them now? Is that how it is? Are they just going to forget about ever having me? I guess this is how it truly feels to be ostracized by my own parents…

I closed my hands into tight fists.

I really am nothing to them now… They’ve been treated me like nothing, but… The feeling that I’ve just lost everything is all too real. I took a step back, forgetting all about the bathroom. I turned around and went back to find Hyukjae. I no longer felt like staying…

Man, it took a long time to write this! xD I think this is one of the longest chapters I've ever written so far, don't know, but I think it is. Fun Fact! I write all my chapters at night. So I stay up quite some bit, but I think it's worth it :D My mind works better at night for some reason. Anyways, thank you~