“What do you mean you almost collapsed again?” Jongin barges into Kyungsoo’s room following his friend after eating dinner together. While eating together, Kyungsoo opened up about what happened a week ago at Junmyeon and Luhan’s unit.

“It’s not that bad. He knows how to handle the case though, he immediately helped me get on the bed and he knows which meds I need to take and— Jongin, stop staring at me like that!” Kyungsoo exclaims when Kyungsoo insists that it’s not that bad because obviously, it is. Jongin kept forcing Kyungsoo to go to his doctor for his annual check up but for the past month already but Kyungsoo would just reply with a no, I’m okay I swear.

“I will schedule you for a check up next week, Kyungsoo. No more but’s!” Jongin exclaims, he stands up and places the cup of milk on Kyungsoo’s table. “Drink it before going to bed,” Jongin sounds upset and Kyungsoo just pouts as he nods in response to his best friend.

“Jongin?” Kyungsoo peeks through Jongin’s bedroom door and when Jongin looks at him, he slowly gets in and sits on the bed. They are both quiet and Kyungsoo just lay his back on the bed playing with the dog plushie in his hands.

“What’s up? It’s not like I’m mad at you, Soo. I just want you to know that I’m seriously worried and I want to make sure you’re really okay,” Jongin explains.

“I went for a check up two weeks ago,” Kyungsoo says and Jongin gets up from his study corner and sits beside his bestfriend.

“You went with Junmyeon hyung?” Jongin asks and Kyungsoo shakes his head.

“I went alone,” Kyungsoo states  as he bows his head and a sudden teardrop lands at the back of his palm.

“Kyung, what’s wrong? Why are you crying? Tell me,” Jongin says and grabs Kyungsoo’s hands in his, and Kyungsoo just starts crying even more as soon he can feel Jongin’s comforting hands. He was keeping it as a secret for two weeks, two weeks and he pretended that nothing happened, two weeks that his smile looks real, that he is completely healthy and fine with whatever the result is.

“It’s getting worse, Jongin. Everyday, every hour of the day, it’s getting worse, I’m getting worse and useless,” Kyungsoo states and with that, Jongin grabs him and pulls him for a hug.

Kyungsoo’s heart disease is getting worse as the heart is unable to pump forcefully enough to circulate blood to all parts of the body. If the heart is weakened or damaged, it may be a less effective pump. Kyungsoo slightly pushes Jongin away and starts removing his socks. At first, Jongin is clueless but when Kyungsoo showed him his swelling feet, Jongin starts crying.

“My feet are swelling. I have difficulty of breathing. I suffer from shortness of breath most of the time and you know how fatigue always hit me,” Kyungsoo states in between sobs and Jongin is totally speechless. At times like this, it will be okay is not the perfect phrase for comfort. Kyungsoo is not okay, Kyungsoo will not be okay for the next few days and will Kyungsoo be back to being okay?

Kyungsoo’s phone starts ringing, My Penguin, the screen shows.

Hey! How’s recording?

Crazy. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to call you earlier.

That’s alright.

How are you, Kyungsoo?

I’m always okay. Don’t worry.

That’s good to hear. Anyway, I’ll leave you a message in a while. I have to go.

Alright. I love you.

I love you.

“So he doesn’t know?” Jongin questions and Kyungsoo just shakes his head. “How can you still smile and tell him you’re always okay?” Jongin asks, staring straight into Kyungsoo’s eyes.

“Because smiling and telling him that I’m okay is easier than explaining why and how come I’m not,” Kyungsoo cries and that night, Jongin knows Kyungsoo needs him by his side. Maybe Kyungsoo needs Junmyeon a little more but Jongin knows Junmyeon cannot always be there while he can. He is Kyungsoo’s best friend, after all.

-

Kyungsoo is laying on his stomach, playing with the piano application on Junmyeon’s laptop when Junmyeon steps into his room with a grin. He immediately closes the door and lay beside the younger, kissing Kyungsoo’s exposed shoulder.

“Not because I’m comfortable wearing a wife beater today it means you can just steal kisses like that,” Kyungsoo says and continues playing different keys and Junmyeon drops an oh wait so Kyungsoo suddenly stops pressing the keys.

“That sounds nice. Play it again,” Junmyeon requests and Kyungsoo happily follows his request. They were trying to compose a short song where Junmyeon is on the piano and Kyungsoo tries to put on some words that will sound good with it.

“Let’s give this to Luhan hyung and Jongin they can finalize this oh my God Kyungsoo this is really nice and random,” Junmyeon says as they listen to their experiment and they end up laughing at how unplanned their composing went.

“This is part of my list,” Kyungsoo says and Junmyeon just smiles and gets off the bed to take Kyungsoo’s bottle. “Wait no, don’t tell me you’re going to check it,” Kyungsoo says and grabs the bottle from Junmyeon’s hands and keeps it under the pillow.

“Let’s check the list! I think I’m just missing a few ones,” Junmyeon states and Kyungsoo shakes his head and rejects Junmyeon’s suggestion.

“Please, Kyungsoo. Give it to me. That’s my bottle.” Junmyeon says and Kyungsoo just stares at him.

“But these are my dreams,” Kyungsoo replies and Junmyeon has no choice but to forcefully take the bottle from Kyungsoo and they end up rolling on the bed until Junmyeon finally takes the bottle after falling off from the bed.

“You just pushed me off my bed, Kyung!” Junmyeon exclaims as he tries to climb back on top of his bed.

“Sorry! But that’s because you’re very insistent!” Kyungsoo screams in response but he’s grabbing Junmyeon’s arms and helps him get on the bed. “Were you hurt?” Kyungsoo asks.

“I am. My shoulders hurt,” Junmyeon whines and Kyungsoo hurriedly kisses both shoulders and stares at Junmyeon. “My tummy hurts too because you kicked me!” Junmyeon exclaims as he waits for Kyungsoo to plant a kiss on his stomach and he did. “Here too,” Junmyeon points at his jawline, “and here,” Junmyeon points at the corner of his lips.

“Excuse me why would those parts even hurt? You landed on your , sir!” Kyungsoo exclaims and Junmyeon ends up jumping on top of Kyungsoo, pinning him on his back. Junmyeon just laughs as he moves his face closer and Kyungsoo didn’t even flinched or felt awkward as Junmyeon kisses him passionately.

“Luhan hyung and I will be on a week break during your birthday,” Junmyeon says and Kyungsoo smiles brightly.

“Can you get off me first so we can plan nicely,” Kyungsoo asks sweetly and Junmyeon just kisses him all over his face before getting off on top of Kyungsoo.

They spent that night writing different places, food and activities they want to do next month. Kyungsoo states that he wants to celebrate with Jongin since their birthdays are just a day apart and that he want Sehun and Luhan to be there too. 

"What do you mean you want to go to the beach? Your birthday will fall on the 2nd week of January and what do you expect the beach would be like? Some nearby north pole?" Junmyeon comments and crosses the BEACH!!! text written by Kyungsoo on his ipad.

Kyungsoo pouts, because he just want to be there. Seaside used to be one of his comfort places an even though he already somehow narrated the story to Junmyeon in the past, the older obviously forgot how important it is for Kyungsoo.

"Do I look like some real penguin to you that I will dive into a freezing body of water?" Kyungsoo asks and Junmyeon cups his face and plants a kiss on Kyungsoo's pouting lips.

"Fine! You want to go to the beach? I will give you the entire beach," Junmyeon says and grabs the ipad from Kyungsoo's hands and writes down his personal plans for Kyungsoo's birthday. "If you think I forgot how much you love spending time at the seashore, then you're wrong. You want to take your parents with us?" Junmyeon asks.

Kyungsoo stops for a while, staring at the boy in front of him thinking if it's time for Junmyeon to finally meet his parents. Kyungsoo knows that if he agrees, he will be able to complete his list of dreams on his birthday and that would be really something special and memorable. But Kyungsoo is still unsure if Junmyeon is ready enough to face his parents.

"Do you think you will get along well?" Kyungsoo asks.

"Your parents? Everyone loves me, Kyung," Junmyeon jokes and Kyungsoo just laughs at how lame Junmyeon can be sometimes, or maybe most of the time.

"We'll see," Kyungsoo says as he gets up from the bed and walks towards Junmyeon's book shelf.

"Fine. Let's check the list?" Kyungsoo asks and it surprises Junmyeon to see the younger boy holding the bottle that is made by him and Junmyeon just looks at him with so many questions running in his head. "I need to check my own list anyway," Kyungsoo says and joins Junmyeon on the bed once again.

Kyungsoo starts opening the bottle when Junmyeon suddenly sits comfortably behind him, both his legs extended on Kyungsoo's sides. Junmyeon rests his chin on Kyungsoo's shoulder and grabs him by the waist and ends up wrapping him for a hug from behind.

"Open them one by one, and tell me when and how it happened," Junmyeon states and Kyungsoo just laughs and starts opening the stars.

• For Junmyeon hyung to remember my name

• For Junmyeon hyung to recognize me (a simple Hi, Kyungsoo! Will do, really)

• For Junmyeon hyung to wish me good night

• To make Junmyeon hyung smile

• To see Junmyeon hyung’s face first thing in the morning

• To have a talk over coffee with Junmyeon hyung

• Go on long walks alone with Junmyeon hyung

• To have a pizza date with Junmyeon hyung

• To watch my favourite movie with Junmyeon hyung

• To watch the sunset together with Junmyeon hyung

• To play under the snow with Junmyeon hyung (Even though he hates winter)

• To compose a song with Junmyeon hyung

• To have (stupid) photos together with Junmyeon hyung

• To go somewhere new with Junmyeon hyung

• To cook for Junmyeon hyung

• To take care of sick Junmyeon hyung (please don’t be stupid and force yourself to get sick)

• For Junmyeon hyung to meet my parents

• To hold hands with Junmyeon hyung

• For Junmyeon hyung to give me a warm comforting hug

• Should I include this here? For Junmyeon hyung to fall in love with me too.

They spent almost an hour just reminiscing on how they actually started with a few teasing of I knew you like me from the very start, hyung to I bet when you get bored in class, you write my name in every piece of paper.

"Just two more wishes left. To go somewhere new and for me to meet your parents, right?" Junmyeon asks and Kyungsoo just smiles and nods. "I'm going to finish this list on your birthday and we can start making a new list together," Junmyeon suggests and Kyungsoo just can't keep his giggles to himself.

"Hyung, is my name really unique that you didn't had a hard time remembering it?" Kyungsoo asks while folding the last remaining star back to its proper shape.

"You are unique, Kyungsoo. It's not your name that caught my attention," Junmyeon says as he lay his back on the bed and closes his eyes, his hand rubbing Kyungsoo's back as if trying to tell the younger one to join him. Kyungsoo gets off the bed to put back the bottle on the shelf before joining Junmyeon under the sheets.

Kyungsoo is basically asking random questions from how many moles do you think I have to do you want to spend your life with me and Junmyeon just keeps on dropping simple answers.

"Hyung, did you know that I have like a gazillion photos of you on my laptop? Do you want to see? Some photos are unflattering and really funny though," Kyungsoo says and glances on Junmyeon who is facing his direction but is now sleeping.

"How dare you sleep just like that," Kyungsoo states as he slightly pokes Junmyeon's cheek before smiling at the sight of Junmyeon sleeping like a baby.

"My prince is tired from work. Time to sleep then," Kyungsoo says as he fix the comforter on Junmyeon's side and plants a kiss on his forehead.

Kyungsoo spent that night admiring and tracing Junmyeon's facial features using his fingers smiling to himself that the man of his dreams no longer just live in his dreams anymore. He is with no doubt very happy with his life right now, but every time his chest hurts, every time he collapses, every time he can see his feet swelling, it hurts him like hell knowing that everything that makes him happy will eventually come to an end, even life itself.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't know how many years, months or days I have left, but I want everyday to be special. I'm sorry I'm keeping secrets from you, I just don't want you to worry about me. I'm sorry for being selfish," Kyungsoo says, with tears running down his cheek. He is sobbing and his tears won't simply stop. He paused for a while, before forcing a smile, "I love you, Junmyeon hyung. As long as I'm here, I will protect you. But when I'm no longer around, I promise I will still be there to protect you even if you cannot see me anymore."