12/27

Christmas has gone and left like any other day….only I didn’t expect for there to be a person outside that day.

Getting up that morning was hard to do as it felt like I had gotten beaten up, either way I got up and started to do the cleaning. I had told grandmother that I would be the one cooking and cleaning and all she had to do was sleep as I wanted to repay for the pain. As Ieft to the store to pick up a few things that were missing and I ran into Dongho.

We were still in good terms even though Kevin slowly started to sit with us and people started to get used to it. Of course it was hard for me and Dongho to get used to it as we always ate in silence and Kevin tried to make us talk. There were days where Dongho would go to lunch late or just eat outside because Kevin offended him.

Finding my voice, “Merry Christmas Dongho.” I said in a slow whisper as I didn’t want him to be obligated to say it back.  

I was taken back when I heard a cheerful “Merry Christmas to you too Kiseop-hyung!” I didn’t understand. How did he talked to me with such a tone when all he does in school is nod.

Seeing my shocked face he laughs, "I'm sorry but I don't feel comfortable talking normally when there's a lot of people. I mean like in schools because they always make fun of my voice. But I know you won't...right Hyung?" I nod.

And that's when it hit me, I am truly alone. All those times I help Dongho out because I was afraid he might get triggered by something...all those times I thought he was hurting like I was..all those times..it was just because he wasn't confident with his own voice.

"I...I need to go...I'll see..you in school..." I said as panic started to kick in because what he told me was too much for me to handle. I couldn't face him as one of my fear from the first time meeting him became reality. He was just like everyone else. He doesn't care about feeling of others. I’m not sure how I’m going to face him when school starts.

Before he could say anything else I ran to the check out before running back to my house. I couldn't face the fact that I was so stupid for believing someone else would know this stupid fear. Fear of losing, of being unwanted and of being a joke.

Getting home I was glad to notice that my grandmother was still sleeping her stress away. So I started to cook the potatoes when I hear a knock on my door. Finding it strange I went to the door with a bit of panic.

"Kiseopie!! Open the door it's cold~~!" I heard from the outside and I knew who is was, I just didn’t understand why he was outside my door. I didn’t even know he knew I lived here.

Opening the door he pulled me in a hug, something I didn’t get regularly. “Why are you here?” I asked as he started to walk inside the small house.

“It’s christmas and my best friend is here, why wouldn’t I come. I missed you so much! I want to spend time with you!” He said cheerfully and for the first time I smiled. His cheerful love was still the same, and he knew how to make me smile without effort.

“Yejun, I told you. You don’t have to do this, I’m okay on my own…” I told him and I felt bad that he came over to check on me, out of all days.

“I know you are but that doesn't mean that I don’t want to see my favorite person in the world!” I smiled again glad that I had someone by my side.

“Okay thank.” I smiled again before we started to work on dinner. And it was nice. Granma liked the meal and was happy to see someone with me. 

Yejun and I started watching movies and in the end he stayed the night like when we were kids. Falling alseep was hard since he wrapped his arms around me. He never did this before but the feeling was nice. 

Over all it was a nice break from the hell I get from school and it helped me forget about the pain and fear I always hold. Yejun is the only person that can make me feel better about myself and I’m glad that he told me he will keep coming over on a regular bases.

He said that he will be coming over tomorrow but I never keep my hopes up just in case. I still don’t know if Yejun is fine with having a messed up person like me. For that I keep on trying to change for the better. Only thing is that I know that once I go back to school it’s not going to be like this. He small process that I made with Yejun will be gone. I will return to the corner of the library and cry before I run home when school’s out.