4/18

Now that Yejun knows about everything, he’s been helping me better and has notice right away when I feel down. With his help I been doing better..I mean the thoughts are still there but they are less.  

Yejun always states small accomplishments and for some reason that is helping my depression be lessen. I‘m grateful that he’s taking an extra step in helping me but I hope this isn’t a bother for him. I don’t need him doing this if it takes a lot out of him. I keep fighting with myself about this though because I mean I should be happy that someone is finally here. Yet there is a big part of me that knows that all of this healing is too late. I’m not going to be 100% by the helps of Yejun, since I have gone to “professionals” and I’m still this helpless person.

I also think that Yejun is one of the reasons I’m not getting better. I keep relying on his too much and I’m useless by myself. I know that he isn’t going to be here for me always and he tries to say that he will when he isn’t. Gosh look at me go. If he is still here reading this, he is going to be so mad at me tomorrow.

I’m going to keep this up tho, I’m going to keep working to be better. I just need to stop at looking at all the cons. I plan to be a bit better then I have seen for the last months and although it will be a very hard road, it wouldn’t be as hard as I have been fighting to be alive. I mean I haven't died yet.

I haven’t seen Kevin in any of our breaks, I don’t know if I should talk to him. I might have made him feel bad for not going after him. Yejun hasn’t talked about Kevin and I’m a bit thankful. I would be a strange talk as Yejun doesn’t like the way he acted with me. Which I totally agree with and I’m still thankful for telling him something. Yet I just hope that Yejun didn’t tell Kevin other things because that would explain why he hasn’t even made eye contact with me.

The right thing to do is talk to him but I can’t. I’m scared of angering Yejun and hurting Kevin’s feelings once more.

Better yet mine….

Meeting Soohyun was another struggle as we talked about steps to be “normal”. He was clear in stating that I need to stop thinking I’m depress. Same old he’s been telling me for weeks. He thinks that if he keeps repeating the same thing over and over, I will magically get better. I still don’t understand how he received this job.

“You know” I said to him in the meeting, “I think this is a game you like to play. Feeling in control over my emotions. I mean if you were a true counselor, you would have been better than this. I mean that is if you are even trying.”

He laughed at me, “You know that you’re the only one in control of your own emotions. Feeling better about things is easier than you make them be. Make friend or go with that Kevin kid, find the meaning of happiness. If you stay in your dark corner, you will never move on.”

“Like making friends will solve everything. Don’t you know that most kids pity me and wouldn’t dare talk to me. They act like I’m am not even alive, half of the school knows my background before talking to me. The only friend I made in this school turned out a liar. Once he got bored, he left me for others. So don’t tell me that I’m in my dark corner by choice.” Saying that was somewhat a relief. I wasn’t the one who should blame for how they treat me, I shouldn’t feel sorry when they act like that.

“Kiseop it’s one thing that they know about you, than them getting to talk to you and understand you. Just try to make more friends and keep your mind open to new possibilities. Be grateful for the life that you have. Be glad that there are people who care about you being here.” He said these words with a calm manner and I didn’t know if it was because he was done with me or he wanted to be serious. But I yet to believe in his words.

With that we finished our session and I was free from that awkward talk.  

Awkward because I feel contradicted when Soohyun sounds reasonable and I should give him the benefit of the doubt. But then we come back to him saying stupid and nasty things without caring about my feelings. So we come full circle in terms of our relationship.   

There are days that I try to talk more but that fuels him into giving me false information about myself being and Ieads to me being lost in this counseling.

Like always I meet up with Yejun at the school entrance helped me talk out my emotions after the session. Doing this helps me calm down and not do anything rational. After trying it a few time we both agreed that it was the best way to calm down.

To be honest the section felt much worse when I came out of it but after talking to Yejun, I really can see that it is an improvement in emotional check. I think I will be opening myself more to Yejun to be about to move past things easier.

Like I said in the beginning of my post. I will keep on trying to be better and I will not go down easily and if I do some slip ups it will all be okay. The point here is that I’m trying to better myself and move on from my saddest state.