4/14

I’m confused again..

I shouldn’t be writing here but I’m not sure where to go. Also this should be my personal blog so I should have the right to write what I feel...I just don’t want to offend anyone and I don’t want drama in my life... What the hell am I talking about, my life is already ed up…

Anyway, Yejun and I talked in the rooftop of the school the other day at lunch time.

He told me everything and he made sure to not leave anything out about how he came to read my blog and what his feeling where about them. I was glad for his words but I felt uneasy because he is an outsider from the way I view life. The form that he talked about my life was different and not really refreshing.

“I’m sorry,” he started but didn’t make eye contact with me which again had me worried. “I should have told you sooner that I been reading but I was afraid you’ll push me away. I didn’t want you to go through this hell alone. , I moved schools because I can’t let anything else happen to you Kiseop!” he stops and lowers his voice, “But I keep reading and wanting to know how you feel and how you are because you don't tell me anything. I’m scared of losing you okay, I’m really scared that the next day you’ll be gone...”

“...You don’t have to..” I said in a low whisper because how could I have said it? My friend is saying that he reads my blog because I don’t give him the reassurance that I wouldn’t be dead the next day. Something I been wanting to do…

“Kiseop..I been reading and I’ll tell you now. I been trying to look you up ever since my mom said that she saw you at the hospital last time. I didn’t want to believe her but I keep looking you up and after years of trying to find something about you..well the blog showed up and as I saw the picture, I knew it was you..” he stopped and looked at me and I don’t know why my heart stopped..”I care about you okay, I don’t care if I even get hurt by saving you but please..open up to me.”

His face was full with concern and something thing else that I’m not sure what it was. “I promise I’ll open up to you but understand that it’s hard for me okay.” I said slowly because I still couldn't believe I was telling this to him; I wanted to keep him in the dark for his safety but he was doing it for mine.

“I understand that but please just let me be here for you. I want you to know that you are amazing and what has happen in your life isn’t fair but you need to be strong.” He said with so much concern and I don’t know what to say about this. This was the first time he made me feel guilty about my actions. I was hurting my friend and I never wanted this; I didn’t want someone to care for me.

I felt warmth on my hand and notice he was holding it. “If you ever lose this battle, I’m sorry I didn’t work hard for you. I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner, I’m sorry you had to do this alone. Kiseopie please let me be selfish and try to take care of you as much as I can.” This breathing pattern was slow and I knew he was crying by now. I cried with him and even now as I write these words.

My dear friend, how sorry I am that I am your friend. It would have been easy for you to have never meet me or if I didn’t go to the animal shelter. I shouldn't have been so weak and showed you how messed up I am because I never wanted to hurt you. I’m so sorry you have to feel this way.

I love you and if I die, I wish we could be good friends in the next life. I wouldn't ask for any other thing in the world.