4/22

Kevin has talked to me and everything has been cleared up and I don’t know what to really say. After weeks of nothing having him have been strange and empty, he asked to talk to me in the library the other.

The conversation consisted of a confession, an apology and a feeling that I thought I stopped having. Yet that goes to show you how I’m not controlled of my emotions.

“Kiseop, look...what I been doing or well what I did in the past was a bit overboard. I can clearly see that now but lets get one thing clear. I do really like you...I’m sorry for that kiss I gave you but I couldn’t stop myself. I thought that was the only way you would kinda see that I like you. I’m a coward..I know that but-”

“No” I said to stop him because he wasn’t a coward..I was the coward..I am the true coward but this isn’t the right time to think about these things.

“N-no?” Kevin gave me a confused face and for once he made me laugh. He looked really funny and...cute…

“I’m saying that you’re not a coward. I was a coward and I’m sorry that we had a fall out just because of misunderstanding. Kevin I like you as a friend and even if I did like you romantically..I still need to over myself before I get into a relationship.” This was the first time I talked about my feelings and thoughts to someone who wasn’t Yejun and it felt nice. And what I said was true, I do like kevin a lot but I can even think about him romantically when I’m still damaged. How can I try to treat him or anyone else for that matter, right if I still don't feel well myself.

“Okay then I’ll wait and be by your side no matter what. I’ll be here for you and help you in any way I can!” Kevin said a bit too loudly and he quickly blushed as he covered his mouth. I don’t understand why he is being like this...just because he is cute doesn’t give him the right to do this.

But again I shouldn’t be paying attention to this because a relationship is not what I’m looking for right now.

“Thanks Kevin for understanding and I hope that you will take care of me well.” I said and I really regret saying that because it sounds too embarrassing.

“No problem Kissopie!!” Kevin said as he hugged me and I could feel a deeper blush covering my face. Why do I still need to have these reactions.

He asked if I wanted to walk home together and I agreed because I wanted to make it up to him for over exaggerating before.

We both walked out of school and that’s when I remembered...Yejun was waiting outside. As soon as he saw me and Kevin, his face turned cold. Without saying goodbye he started to quickly walk away.

“Yejun wait!” I yelled but he kept walking. I wanted to run after him but I didn’t want to leave Kevin behind.

In the end I just walked with Kevin but I feel guilty that I didn’t go after Yejun. The one who had been with me and help me before a but better than I am today.  

Why do I keep on making mistakes like these. I can’t I just know what to do so everything in my life can feel normal for once. I wish I had control over my life for once and not do something hurtful to the people who are dear to me.

I’ll talk to Yejun tomorrow since he hasn’t answer my call nor text for the night. Hopefully we make up for what I’ve done.