12/1

 

School has become a bit more lively now that there is a new student in my class. His name is Kevin Woo, says that he comes from the states. Why didn't he just stay there? I heard its amazing to be there so why would he move here? Where kids don't know about life and play around all day.

 

Okay it might not be fair to say these things but it's true. All these kids play all day and they don't care how they make other hate themselves. Kids like Kibum and Eli, hate those two. I can never feel safe with those two. Always think that it's fun to play with others. I just wish someone will show them a lesson but that's too much to ask. Everyone loves or secretly hates them because everyone fears them.

 

Sorry went too far again.

 

So since Kevin is the new kid Alexander gave him a tour of the place. Alexander is another one that needs to start knowing when to shut up. He talks about everyone's business without a shame. Alexander gave Kevin my life story without permission and now the whole school is talking about me and how sorry they feel. 12 years isn't that much time for those people to move on...nor is it for me..

 

And that's what pisses me off, everyone says how bad they feel behind there back. No one ever comes up to me and tells me face to face. Yet with them talking about it would make me feel worse right?! So why can't they shut up and let me live my life? I don't need to be remained that my parents are dead!

 

Thing is that Kevin knows my whole life story and I don't even know him like that! What's that crap! Do I want people talking about me no! I don't need this crap! Things like this panics me, I felt his stare in class. I had to play with my rubber band so I wouldn't cut. It's hard not to when something so small can be so addicting.

 

But when I do break I just cut the back of my neck. It's the only place I know the doctors won't look. I know it's dumb but it's been working so far. I been thinking of new places where they wouldn't notice since I can't keep cutting back there for long. I'm going to run out of places then I'll have to go back cutting on my arms.

Running my finger over the scars makes me calm down but it also encourages me to make more, deeper cuts. Yet I know I'm not going to do that. For some reason it scares me. I don't want to bleed to death. I just want a simple and quick death.

 

School ended with me running home before Kibum and Eli spotted me. I don't want to deal with them.

 

Walking out I felt like I could get air in my lungs once more but I was panicking too much. I felt like I was going to black out. I mean I wouldn't mind but I wouldn't want to ever walk up again. The painc was taking over my body. I didn't know why I was acting like that. Most of the time I have a panic attack because poeple will be attacking me but no one was around. Why did I have to keep on having this fear of people attacking me when they could do me the favor and kill me.

 

Once i got home grandma was up which was a surprise but one look at me and she left crying in tears. I can hear her say the same thing over and over again, "I'm sorry Kiseop, I'm sorry!"