2/26

Sometimes I feel like I should be posting more than just once a week but when I think about it... I just never have anything important to say. It’s always talk about how I get hurt, Yejun, and Kevin ruining my life with being him. If I talked about school more than I already do, I’m sure that I’ll just be ing like there's no tomorrow.

Need a real update about my life? Well lets get started for real.

Kevin has been eating with us for a week and I can't talk to him fully but there is something inside me that makes me want him to know I‘m real. I want him to talk to me for hours but I don’t want him to be by me all the time. What’s wrong with me? I don’t ing know. I’m just scared that I might start wanting him to be with me forever….well my forever…till I die but lets not talk about this…

Yejun is just the best thing in my life which I don’t know how what I can do to repay him. But I have started to notice something is wrong with him...he has started to become more close to me. I don’t know if it’s out of pity or if he just really wants to care for me. I don’t want him to be too close to me as I don’t know when I’m going to commit in suicide one day. I just don't want him to feel sad when I die. For that reason I been responding to him with simple answers than ones that would lead to hours of conversation. Doing this is hurting me because I want to tell him how I hate my life and only wish to be happy but I don’t know what happy is anymore. I don’t want to give him false lie when I could be dead the next minute.

Soohyun, how much I hate him. It’s getting harder to not let myself speak about my feeling in school. The fear I hold every time I step into my classroom doors has been getting higher and I don’t know why. Soohyun said that it might be the anxiety acting up because I been hanging out with Kevin, even though I’m conflicted in telling him into my “world”. I’m not sure if he has a point but I don’t need small panic attacks when walking into the classroom or cafeteria. I stop having those after the first two weeks of school.

Although I have been somewhat more proactive with Soohyun, it doesn’t mean that it’s not hard to talk about things with him. The way he responds to some things makes it seem as if he doesn’t care or if everything is a simple game that once could just press restart and everything will be fixed. He sometimes says that it’s just me not trying hard enough to be happy for the small things. All of this gets me mad because it make me relize how up I became and how weak I am to not “get over it”.  

Dongho tried to take to me once when I was going home after a section with Soohyun. I didn’t know what to do when he asked to why I hadn’t talk to him. I wanted to tell him the truth but I really couldn’t because I didn’t believe that he need to know. He clearly moved on and made new friends. So why would he want to talk to me? Why did he care? And so I said a soft sorry and made my way to Yejun. Before I let I saw his face full with disappointment.

There you all go, a recap..night.