2/30

I don’t understand friendship...as I walked out of another meeting with Soohyun which ended horrible, Kevin was waiting for me by the stairs. I don’t understand why or even how he knew I was still in school. The moment that he looked at me, his smile was so bright it hurt looking at it. I just don’t understand how people could smile like that. I could never smile back to him in such a manner which made me frustrated. I was done with Soohyun and I didn’t need a ing sunshine by me.

“Kiseop let’s wait home together!” He spoke in such a cheerful manner that I cringed, but he took it as a yes and linked our arms together before I could reject the idea. I felt so mad about all of this as we walked out to the entrance and that’s when I saw Yejun.

The look on his face was so unreadable to me because he never had that expression when I was around him.

“Kevin, what are you doing?” Yejun asked a bit louder than his regular voice and thats when I notice that he was mad. Again, I have never seen this side of him and I don’t understand why he was mad.

“I’m walking Kiseop home.” Kevin’s voice was forces and I could tell with the fake smile he gave Yejun. Why did this happening? I don’t know…

“Kevin, just let him go. I always walk Kiseop home around this hour.” Yejun’s voice was strong but low.

Kevin let my arm free but only to put it on his waist, “Yeah well I’m going to walk him home, so you can leave.” Why didn’t Kevin leave? Why did he have to tell Yejun, the one person who really is there for me to leave!?

Slowly but surely, they started to yell at each other and without being able to control what was happening, I ended up in a panic attack and dropped to the floor; well that’s what Yejun said when I woke up an hour later.

I really don’t understand the friendship all three of us have, I mean it’s not really friendship with Kevin but he has been in our circle. I’m so mad at how he wanted to do something he never does and in a day that I was depressed and mad. Why did this have to happen? I don’t need this !

Now on to the horrible meeting I had with Soohyun.

As all of you know, I started to be more open to Soohyun but I mostly talked about the blog since he asked why I didn’t talk to him. I was surprised when he told me that a blog was a worthless idea because I wasn't talking to real people. I know that already but why does he have to say “worthless”? Could he just say it was a time consuming idea because I would have been fine. This really is a time consuming thing that makes no difference in my life. Yet with him saying worthless it gets me thinking if he also thinks I’m worthless in general for doing this?

Yes I’m sure I have said before that this is worthless but when hearing this from a person who is to “heal” you, shouldn't they be more careful with the words they pick?

So as a result from all of this, all I can think about is that; ummm, maybe I am totally worthless, all of this around me and the actions I do is worthless to begin with. My mind is going into such darkness from that stupid word. Yet does Soohyun notice this? no because he wouldn’t have said that to me!

ing thanks Soohyun because these next cuts will be all your ing fault!!! Kevin’s too because he couldn’t tone it down with his ing cheerful self! I didn’t need another ing reminder of how society wants me to feel when life isn’t ing great!!!