4/10

I don’t truly understand life to be honest. Well not when things come out of nowhere with no explanation.

Why is it possible that not only did kevin found my blog but now Yejun has too.

I mean, I'm not mad with him…..I’m confused and just scared of what he thinks of me...the real me that talks non stop about wanting to die. All the stupid post I make about my life and the cold bitterness that I feel every day. The hell that I go through in school and the hell that I put myself under.

Does he think I’m crazy for writing about him and how I am grateful to have someone like him in my life? Has he been helping me because he has read my post? Did he move schools to just take care of me?

More importantly, does he feel offended in how I talked about Kevin and his conversation...does he dislike kevin because of how I talked about him on here?

I’m scared in asking and I know he will answer all of these questions but I’m scared of what might be said.

When he was dropping me off was when he told me “I read it you know.”

He didn’t look at me when he said it and that scares me because I don’t know what he felt. I‘m scared to see it but knowing how easily he can show emotion is what gets me wanting to know this true feeling.

I feel so numb with fear, that I hate because I don’t want to feel this way about my own best friend and yet here I am talking about him. I can’t lose him and I can’t write like this here because he can read it. AH! Why did I believe that no one will find this page? Why did the doctors ask me to do this! This is giving me more stress and I don’t need that.

I also found out that I’m failing math when that was the class I did best on..and yeah I haven’t talked about my school life because well it didn’t matter till now. I’m a good student but when things like this happen to me I feel even more worthless. I don’t need grandma to think I'm good for nothing too. I already live off of her so if she sees how I’m doing in math I’m sure she is going to hate me even more.  

Then Soohyun said that I shouldn’t  worry about my grades, how “I’m just a teenager” and “this has to happen at one point”. I don’t need to be perfect but he doesn’t see how important this is for me and that pisses me off. I’m sorry that I worry about the only thing that makes me feel like I’m doing something right. Something that I see I’m not failing which mean now I feel like I’m failing life all over again. Did he slack off when he was younger or what? How did he even get to be my therapist. Don’t you have to go through exams to make sure that one does well in their form of “helping”?

I don’t know what to do, I feel like trying to just commit suicide again.

OH wait...I can’t say that at all….I’m just tired okay. I don’t want to do this any longer and yeah I know I’m stupid for being worried over small things but they add up okay. I  don’t want to feel like this and if killing myself frees me for this then I wish I could do it. It’s a simple act that I want to commit and no one should be worry about me because life goes on.

I mean life moved on when my parents died..right?

Sorry saying more stupid that I shouldn’t. I should just stop here..I don’t need to make myself feel worse than I already do.     

I’m sorry I went all over the place but it’s just, all of this concerns me too much. The only friend that I ever had, knows all of my secrets and worse of all..if he has been reading everything since the beginning then that means he knows about the nurse...I don’t want to have a talk about that with him. I have already tried so hard to forget it..

Than school and the people that are in it still give me a hard time. I just don’t understand why I’m still here.

I just need sleep and try to forget that my life is a mess.