5/16

Things have gotten worse. I-I don’t know how to explain the pain, the sorrow, the fear that I’m holding as I press down keys to write this.

Just….this never should have happen. Why was I a fool….how did it turn out like this…

12/11

It’s funny, thinking about the foolish things I have done in the past and the foolish things that may happen in the future. One never knows what will happen or how they will react to what life brings them and that’s how I feel.

There are moments in which I hate waking up in the morning knowing that I will have to go to school and see people I hate. People who don’t know when to stop talking about others business. They gossip because its the only information that they understand. Ask them math questions and they will just give back blank stares. That’s why I hate going to school.

Only there are small moments that still bring a smile to my face and think that not everyone that goes there is horrible.  

I never told anyone (because lets be real here, who will I tell? I spend my time writing post on a blog that no one will look at, at the hope-from the doctors, that I will get better.) I really like younger kids than me. They keep there distance from me and make sure to talk in a whisper when they talk anything related to me. In a way I feel irritated that even a younger generation in this school don’t know how to mind their own business but at times I feel grateful that they have the decency to be as quiet as they can when talking. Not like others who want to see a reaction from me when they talk their s.

There is this one kid that I always liked his company even though we don’t talk much to each other. He is someone that I can consider calling my friends yet I still don’t think I should be said out loud.

His name is Dongho, he is a freshman and a kid that I believe is anti social. On the first day of the school, he walked up to my table and with a trembling voice asked “Can..I s-sit here?”

At hearing him though badly of him since this wasn't the first time someone asked me this and late turn around and did something horrible to me. In which in return this is why I can’t talk to people and why I really don’t want friends.

Anyways, being afraid that he was putting on an act I asked, “Why so you can be laughed at?” This was a true question and also a test, in the way he acted after this his true colors would show. This was something I had to do every single time a new person who asked to sit with me.

Not knowing that there was still a person with a kind heart it took him forever to speak back, only this time he had more strength in his voice. “I-I don’t care. I’ll be laughed at anyway...It wouldn’t be the first time.” And I knew the truth in his voice was real. Saying something like this was something one could never hid.

From that day on, he would sit with me. Most of the time we didn’t talk and it was nice just having someone there. Some days it was small talk, “How have you been?” Would be said when we notice something off with the other. “Still hope” would be said if we feel bad, “Standing still” would be said when the same crap was happening yet we were okay and “OK” if we felt better then normal. Those where our words to make sure we were still okay.

There have been moments where we needed to talk to each other a bit more then usual. Trying to help each other in the best way possible.

As much as I had never wanted to admit it, having Dongho there helped me feel better about myself. Knowing that someone liked to sit in the same table as me, I mean its fine if he didn’t really notice me as alive-as I don’t even consider myself alive; but having a person who doesn’t want to hurt you nor want answers is something that I became grateful for.  

I don’t know how Dongho looks at me as but I feel like he might leave me soon. At one point I’m happy because he wouldn’t be antisocial anymore but at the same time he will leave me alone once more. And again I will feel like I did something wrong because he will leave.

For this I’m foolish, wanting someone near yet not wanting anyone.

The only thing is that this is all changing. Kevin walked up to our table of two and I didn’t know how to act. Everyone’s eyes were on the three of us and I got angry as I notice Dongho tense up. I didn’t mean for him to react like this nor did I mean for Kevin to believe we were friends for those two moments we had.

“Can I sit here?” He asked and Dongho’s eyes looked at me in despair, there were still too many eyes on us and he was reaching his limit.

“No, you are messing with the balance of things and I didn’t need any more problems than I already have.” I said and once again I was out of character, I would have never said that if it was someone else. Yet there I was acting mean when all I wanted to do was run because I couldn’t take people keeping their eyes fix on me.

I need Kevin to walk away as much as my heart wanted to betray me but keeping Dongho safe is my number one priority. Having Kevin with us would damage Dongho and I; as that’s what Kevin is. Being a fool is something that has become the common norm for me it appears.