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I have to admit, the past few months since MinKyeong left has been nothing more than unbearable. Days passed as though they were years and I found it hard to pick myself up in the month after she left us for good.

Even before MinKyeong passed, I had been telling myself that I have had enough time to get a hold of myself and to be in sync with reality but when the time really came I just found myself lost and in a state of blank. I didn’t cook, smile a lot, watched my favorite shows, or did the things I loved. Because everything reminded me of her, and how she is NOT here by my side anymore.

In fact, I even found it hard to look at the children initially because it felt like a part of them was MinKyeong, someone whom I missed so dearly but could never see again in my whole life. I would hastily get my children ready for school, feed them instant food almost every day, sometimes forget to pick them up and even to the point where I forgot about them at the grocery store once and went home without them, only to get a call from the supermarket supervisor later on.

I woke up one day, my eyes still shut. But as though it was reality, I smelt a fresh waft of waffle batter. Unable to open my eyes still, I basked in the supposed morning sun hitting my skin and the taste of waffles already tingling on my tongue. My mind brought me back to when we first got married, Min Kyeong would make my favorite pancakes for me before we went off to work. I would wake up to the brilliant smell of pancakes cooking, slightly late, and rush all over the house, my clothes in a mess and my focus all over the place, as though almost forgetting she was in the house too. And with a gentle smile, she would always walk over to me, kiss me good morning and adjust my tie while telling me I still had some time for breakfast. Ever so calmly, she would settle the plate of pancake before me, honey lightly drizzled over and placed the fork in my hand telling me to eat up. Mornings like these were my favorite. It was bliss, happiness and satisfaction all combined into one. It was Min Kyeong. She would sit across from me, her hair loosely let down and dressed in casual home clothes. Even with no make-up on, she is still the most beautiful person ever and I am thankful that I wake up to her every single day. As I would squeeze the last piece of pancake in my mouth, the sweet taste of honey tingling on my tongue, I would ever so carelessly drop the plate into the sink before dashing off to put on my shoes. The pancake still digesting in my mouth I would shout a muffled goodbye to MinKyeong, telling her I’ll see her at night again as she planted another peck on my lips, the sweetness from her kiss mingling with the taste of honey.

The taste of her pancakes and her lips on mine… it was almost like it was real. It was almost like she was there, and I could feel it.

Jolting awake, I stretched my arms out ready to hug her, when all that greeted e was no morning sun nor pancakes, but a lonely, silent winter night. Agitated, I rushed out of the room to the kitchen, only to be greeted by my two children and brother having dinner in the kitchen. Their faces fell as they looked into my bloodshot eyes, avoiding it almost immediately again.

It was just a dream. Just a memory. What I thought had come back to me was a farce. I was back in reality. A reality where Min Kyeong no longer exists. And it broke me, as I returned back to my room without even acknowledging them, sat back in my bed and wept myself to sleep again.

I knew it was not fair for the children. I love my children and I knew how much they needed me in that tough period but I just could not find the way to comfort myself let alone my children. Every single night we would just sit in the living room in silence, some nights longer than the others especially when MinKyeong was all I could think about, and stare into space. Even my bubbly children who were all over the place all the time quietened down and became reserved when they were at home with me. Perhaps it was because they were sad over the loss, or perhaps they just did not dare to approach the unusually silent and solemn me.  

But at times like those I am really thankful to my brother and his family for supporting us emotionally and sometimes physically during the time I was an emotional wreck. He would occasionally pick the children up from school and take them to his house for the night, not forgetting to call to check up on me on whether I had had my dinner or maybe whether I was still … alive. On some nights his family and he would come over for dinner where they would whip up a splendid dinner for us so that I could have one less thing to do that evening.

And it is because of him that I was able to move on with my life and to get to where I am today.

I remembered sitting with him on the sky garden at my apartment block five weeks after MinKyeong had left. It was November and the chilly wind pulled us closer to each other. We sat in silence for a long time, my face lost of any smile and all I could remember of my brother was him looking over at me and sighing, as though he had something to say but couldn’t. I was in a really irritable mood that I felt I had minimal control over and once again, that emotion took over me.

“You called me out here in this cold weather and yet not say anything? If you have nothing to say I’m going back in,” I muttered as I stood up, prepared to leave.

“Do you remember?” Youngmin started and I stopped in my footsteps to hear what he wanted to say. In all honesty I wanted someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay and that they knew how tough it was for me. In other words I just wanted to feel like it was okay for me to cry things out. But those past few weeks of holding everything in was nothing but pure torture.

Youngmin took a deep breath and sighed. Clearing his throat, he sat up straight and for a moment there I saw his eyes sparkle with tears but he quickly looked away and braced himself again. “Do you remember the time when eomma passed away?” He let out a small chuckle before continuing, “we spent days crying in our rooms, partially because we missed but mostly because we were so hungry and Appa forgot about us?”

Memories of the time my mom passed away came back to me and I remembered hugging Young Min in our room in the middle of night as we listened to our dad’s painful and yearning cry, thinking that we were asleep. I nodded my head as I backtracked and sat down once again.

“Those days were tough.” I sighed and mist formed around my mouth as I spoke.

“Yeah it was tough.” Youngmin said in an almost whisper. I knew how hard it was for us both when we lost our mother. Youngmin and I were twins but it seemed as though overnight he became a very dependable older brother who took on the responsibilities of taking care of me at a young age of 7. I remembered how he would set the alarm on his own so that we could get up for school on time and he would make sure I brought everything I needed for school. After school, we would wait for each other and even though many of our classmates teased us but he never failed to hold my hand whenever we crossed the roads.

I let out a small smile, my lips slightly curving as though it had been too stiff from not smiling often in the past few months. “It’s because of you that we are alive right now I guess.” I joked as I remembered the time when my dad was in such a dishevelled state that it almost killed us.

And ever so gently, Youngmin took my hand in his like we were little and gave me a little squeeze as he looked into the distant. “Kwangmin uh, it must really hurt to lose your wife now, someone whom you have loved so dearly for almost half your life up till now. I may not know how it is like to lose a wife yet so I cannot say I understand, but WE do understand how damaging it is to have lost a mother, and even more so when dad was in this state,” he said gently, emphasizing on this as he turned his head and gestured to me. 

I knew what I was doing was not right, partially neglecting my children and just getting by. But Youngmin’s words hit me especially hard that night as I recalled the time when I was younger and lost my own mother. Life was tough indeed, and even more so because my dad was not emotionally healthy to be hugging us and helping us get our lives back together. I knew he loves us, just like how I love my children more than anything in the world, but we just expressed it in the wrong way.

I guess it was just like how I didn’t see my children cry that I assumed that they were doing fine. But it hit me that when we were younger, Young Min and I couldn’t cry in front of our dad too because we knew how much more it would break hi. We did not even dare mention the word “eomma” or he would end up crying again.

And unknowingly, I have become like that too. Something I was determined to avoid but still do so in the end.

“I’m such a failure.” I commented and Youngmin shifted a little in his seat. I knew he was bewildered by my sudden demoralising confession but he let out a grin and I could hear him say between his smile.

“Yeah you are.” He half-joked. That’s my brother, never afraid to hurt my feelings. But I knew he meant well. I needed some sense knocked into me anyways. “The children need you. I can only do this much for you but I am not their appa. I cannot provide them with the comfort that only you can. You need to let them know that they still have you.”

I let out a huge sigh and gripped my brother’s hands even tighter. I was afraid that I may hurt my children further.

Youngmin patted my hand knowingly as he turned me to face him. :Look, just because you have to step up to be an Appa doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to be sad. You do. Because you lost your wife. You have every right to cry and mourn. So just let it out now.”

And as if on cue, tears started pouring out like waterfall as I leaned on his shoulder and shook like a baby.

“That’s right,” he cooed, his voice quivering from tears as well, “just let it all out and when you are done and good, then hold your chest up high and go back to your children. Don’t shut them out anymore. They need you and you need them. You know it too. And when you need me, I’ll be always by your side.”

That night we cried for a long time, letting tears of past years pour out and wash all unhappiness away, allowing better days and better memories to come. 

New chapter :) the story is ending soon! Stay tuned for more. Never too late to subscribe if you havent and please comment ! 

Love, 

YooGeum <3