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Now that I think about it, I remembered JunHyun coming home from school the past few days looking very distressed. He didn’t jump about energetically telling us what he did in school, squeezed our faces between his tiny palms and gave us tiny pecks on the cheeks, asked us a million questions about everything ever existed or convinced his sister to play robots with him. Instead, he was quiet. Unusually quiet. 

He was noisy and hyper but now he shrank into a quiet child. Both of us didn’t know why but we assumed that it was because he had a bad day at school. 

Placing the last bit of food into my mouth, I wiped my hands on the tissue and then took a sip of water. Looking across at my son, I observed the way he munched quietly on his food and picked at his food whenever he was chewing. He always knew I hated it when he picks at his food so he stops doing it to avoid getting scolded. Up till today. 

 

Propping his chin on one hand, he pinched the tip of the fork with another and swung it to and fro while picking out the carrot bits from his food and sweeping it to one side with the utensils. 

 

 

The dinner table was exceptionally quiet tonight. None of us said a word, not even JunHyun who usually could not stop talking until we told him to. “JunHyun uh,” I started nagging while rubbing my temple to soothe the headache I was experiencing, “Don’t pick on your food. It’s unmannerly and rude.” JunHyun looked at me for a moment before looking back at his plate again the moment he saw me rubbing my temples, ignoring whatever I had just said. Shocked, I paused for a moment. My children were usually very respectful and whatever I told them, they would listen to me. “JunHyun, are you sick? How about eomma make you a cup of milk instead?” I tried again but to no avail. “Or are you tired? Do you want to go to bed early?” Sighing, I set down my cup and looked at Kwangmin helplessly after bombarding JunHyun with a wave of questions to which I didn’t get a reply. In addition, my headache was not helping with my patience as well, and since Kwangmin always has a way with the kids, I decided to let him do the job this time. As a mother of a five year old, I had always tried to keep my cool and I understood the need to let them feel loved and cared for them for as long as I could. Little did I know the day where he would ignore my teachings would come so quickly, nor did I ever thought I would feel  like I was unable to get through to my child. Could it really be like what the lady said just now, that I am unable to teach my children? Shaking that thought out of my head, I waited for Kwangmin to start speaking. Swallowing his bit of food, he placed his utensils down carefully and placed a hand on JunHyun’s chin, tilting his head to face his own.

 

“JunHyun uh, tell appa, are you feeling unwell or are you being bullied in school?” he asked lovingly. JunHyun shook his head. Once again, Kwangmin attempted, “Then do you not like the food Eomma made?” JunHyun looked at Kwangmin in the eyes for the first time that night and then shook his head again. “Then tell Appa what you want.” Kwangmin proposed. 

 

JunHyun set his fork down and requested cutely, “I want Appa to make me some milk,” a grin on his face.

Kwangmin looked at me, somehow a little apologetic, before replying JunHyun. “Then why didn’t you say so when eomma asked you just now?” JunHyun just shrugged and waited while Kwangmin got up to make him a glass of milk. I brushed my hands over my face as I sank back into my seat. What exactly was going on, I didn’t know. And the look on Kwangmin’s face showed that he wasn’t sure either. 

Taking in a deep breath, I decided to ask JunHyun about the incident earlier. Getting up from my seat, I moved a seat to the one beside him. Bending down a little, I tried to look at his face as his head was hung low. Extending my arm out, I gestured for him to climb up into my arms. JunHyun stared at my arms for a moment before turning away, telling me rudely to go away. Once again, I attempted to just comb his hair and make him feel more comfortable around me. But as soon as my fingers came in contact with my hair, he twitched and ducked away immediately, sweeping my hand away from him. Hurt, I withdrew my hand and decided to just cut straight to the point. 

 

“JunHyun, uh, can you tell eomma why did you hit that boy in school today?” I tried to control my shaky voice while ignoring the throbbing pain in my head. JunHyun shook his head and crossed his arm. Just then, Kwangmin came out of the kitchen with a cup of milk in his hands and placed it before JunHyun telling him to drink up. Noticing the tense atmosphere, Kwangmin shot me a questioning look and I pointed to JunHyun who was beside me. Kwangmin as though knowing that what had happened just nodded as he too took a seat. 

 

“Today JunHyun’s teacher told us that JunHyun was a very good boy in class, isn’t he?” Kwangmin petted as he tried to catch JunHyun’s attention. “But why did our good son hit someone in school today? Was it because he was bullied?” JunHyun shook his head and as though he needed some comfort, he crawled up onto his appa’s lap and squeezed between Kwangmin’s chest and the table. Pursing my lips together, I tried to control my tears from falling. I have to admit, I do cry quite easily but ever since I had children, I tried not to cry in front of them. But this time, I must say, I was hurt by JunHyun’s actions for completely ignoring me and even rejecting me. He used to love to cuddle with me and he never ignores me. It was almost like I was a stranger. 

 

“JunHyun uh, why are you ignoring eomma?” I attempted to ask but as expected, I was replied with silence. Kwangmin noticed my pained expressions and hurriedly tapped JunHyun on his shoulder lightly. 

 

“JunHyun uh, what did we say about responding? Eomma is talking to you, it’s only right if you look at her and answer her questions.” JunHyun shook his head. Slightly frustrated, Kwangmin nagged, “Yah JunHyun uh, Eomma is already so sick so shouldn’t you be a good boy and listen to her?” The moment he said that, he realized it was all a mistake. JunHyun immediately pushed Kwangmin away and scrambled off to his room while wailing. Kwangmin and I looked at each other astonished and we tried to comprehend what had just happened. JunHyun had never been like that. 

Turning to KyuJung who was sitting at the end of the table quietly, Kwangmin asked, “Did anything happen at school?” KyuJung chewed on his food for a moment before nodding carefully as he eyed KyuJung stomping away, almost like he was afraid of saying it as well. “KyuJung uh… Can you tell uncle what happened please?” In a brief moment, I noticed KyuJung eye me cautiously before whispering to Kwangmin what happened. 

 

 

 

And then like a bullet, it hit me. Could it have been … because of me? 

 

 

 

 

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