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Appa, is Eomma going to die?”

That single sentence was enough for me to stop the car along the road and turn to look at my son in the passenger seat beside me.

The time has finally come. I knew he was going to ask me something important soon enough considering how I see him waiting on my bed for the past few nights as though he had something to say, but only to fall asleep before I come out of the shower.

I knew he was going to ask me something, but I did not think it would be this. I did not think he fully understood what it meant to die.

“What made you think that way my dear?” I asked after a moment, contemplating whether or not I should continue to hide the fact… seeing how Minkyeong’s condition was progressing.

“My friend’s mother said that my mother is going to die.”

“Then, do you know what it means to die?”

JunHyun nodded confidently and pointed out of the window towards the sky. “They become an angel and live in the sky.”

I blinked at him and gave him a smile. “Then what do you think about eomma becoming about angel?”

JunHyun hesitated for a moment as he looked towards the sky and extended his hands out. “The sky is really far away. If eomma becomes an angel then does she come back?”

Letting out a huge sigh I knew this was it. I had to let my young children know what dying meant.

“No, if she becomes an angel then she will stay in the sky forever because only humans live here where we do.”

Without a second thought, Junhyun screamed “NO! I don’t want eomma to die and become an angel! I want her to be my eomma!,” bringing me much shock and sadness.

I knew so well where this anger and fear was coming from. Losing a mother was like losing a piece of me along with it. While others had mothers to cook meals for them and take them on trips, I didn’t. I knew the pain, and I was reluctant to feel it again. More importantly, I did not want my children to have the same experience.

Things get better along the way. I know that my children will grow up and live the life their mother wanted them to. They would grow up being stronger people. But at least for now, this is not the time yet. They are too young for this. And I cannot do anything but feel sorry towards them that we brought them into this world to face such misery at this age.

“I’m sorry JunHyun and MiEun-ah… But one day eomma will become an angel. She will take care of you and watch over you from the sky.”

I felt a lump forming in my throat as I allowed my children in on the news. Turning back to my steering wheel, I stepped on the pedal once again and headed for the children’s school, half of me unwilling to see my children’s reaction to that statement.

“Appa is really sorry, that I cannot do anything to protect our family.”

Dropping my children off at school that day seemed more heavy-hearted than usual. JunHyun just gave me a small wave before he turned around and dragged himself into school unlike his usual skipping self.

The young and naïve Mi Eun that I thought had not understood anything earlier sent me off without a smile either. Maybe she did know what we were talking about but she just does not know how to express her pain like her brother does. Turning back and running towards me again, she crashed into my arms and hugged me for a moment, as though she needed that reassurance. “Are you picking me up after school?” She asked in a small voice, her hands firmly gripped around my finger.

“Of course I am, my Princess.”

“You will not leave me behind right? Promise?”

I paused. I did not know where this was coming from but I knew Mi Eun knew. She was afraid I would leave her. She was afraid of being left behind.

“Promise.”

And with that she slowly let go of her grip, her eyes fixated on the ground as she held her classmate’s hands and walked in to school. 

“See you later Appa!”

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