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Autumn had set in and the cold chilly air pierced through my skin. I paused in my footsteps and pulled the scarf tighter around MinKyeong’s neck to keep her warm. 

As we went closer to the school, eyes of concern and pity was struck at us. Giving MinKyeong a light pat on the shoulder, we made our way towards the school. 

I was trying my best to avoid the looks of pity on those around us but in all honesty, my feelings were in a mess and I could not help but feel frustrated at the looks people are giving us, yet at the same time, I knew that this was it. If we hadn’t gone out of the hospital, MinKyeong would probably never have been able to leave on her own anymore. Suppressing all my emotions, I parked Minkyeong and myself at the side of the gate. Instantly, a radius was formed around us and people continued to watch on, obviously trying to avoid getting too close to us but at the same time, curiosity was drawn on their faces. 

It wasn’t anything new to us anymore, but having gone through this twice today, once earlier on when we picked Mi Eun up and now at JunHyun’s school, things were starting to get on my nerves. Perhaps it’s because I felt sad for MinKyeong that she had to go through all these and even in her remaining days, she still has to deal with this. Or maybe, just maybe, I was walloping in pity for both myself and my children that we are about to lose an important person in our lives and I didn’t need the people around us to remind us of our plight. 

I was kneeling next to MinKyeong with Mi Eun sitting on my thighs, almost in the state of drifting in and out of sleep, my face missing a smile and my forehead creased. MinKyeong must have noticed my emotions from before and with much effort, she glided her hand on the handle of the wheelchair and gently touched my arm that was on the handle as well with the back of her hand. Alarmed by the touch, I turned to look at Minkyeong and asked if there was something she needed. Not that she could answer me anyways, I thought. 
However to my surprise, she nodded her head slightly before forcing out a slight smile. Instantly, my mind went blank and without much control, my lips formed into the greatest smile, happiness radiating from it. She has no idea how much I just miss that smile of hers. 
“Alright, I know,” was all I could say. I knew what she meant with that smile. 

Finally the bell rang and children came flooding out of school. I stood up with Mi Eun in my arms as I waited for our son. As expected, my active JunHyun came scampering out of class as he balanced his big bag on his back. 

“Oppa! Oppa!” Mi Eun exclaimed excitedly as she pointed to the direction of her brother and waved to him. 
Once again, I felt eyes on us as they eyed the child we were waving to as though seeing which unfortunate kid belonged to this family. I brushed it off and welcomed my son with open arms as he dashed towards us. His eyes sparkled with astonishment as his mother greeted him with the same slight smile she gave me earlier. 

“Eomma! Are you better already? You can go home now?” He exclaimed excitedly as he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her but MinKyeong could not say anything.

Instead I let Mi Eun down and began to push the wheel chair back in the direction of the car as I explained, “Eomma is only allowed to come out for a few hours and she has to return to the hospital later on for her treatment.” 

“Like… she’s on a vacation?” 
I chuckled at that analogy. “Yes like a vacation.” 

I took a forceful sit on the bench, Minkyeong in the wheelchair beside me as we watched our children from a small distant while they played in the playground. 
I remembered just almost a year ago MinKyeong and I brought our children to this exact same park after picking them up from school. Back then, I carried her on my back and she could still move her limbs, although slightly weak, and she could still talk. But right now, she was like a doll who could not move on her own neither can she talk properly, or at all. 

All she could do was look on with her soulful eyes. 

We sat there for the longest of time in silence. Lots of thoughts ran through my mind. Memories and emotions overcame me and I begin to think back on everything that had happened before. I have always believed MinKyeong to be a very strong woman but only today have I truly felt it with my heart. All the times in the past when MinKyeong could have let go of her pain and just … leave, she did not. Instead she held on to her life for the children and me. All the times the doctors said she would not be able to last any longer, she gritted her teeth and pulled through longer than anyone can imagine. 

I have always been selfish like that. It has never once occurred to me how much pain she must have endured to last so long. All I thought about was how to keep her alive and how our lives will never be the same without her. 

All I thought about, was how difficult it would be for me to let her go. 

To the point I almost forgot that Min Kyeong too, had her pains. 
But everyone has their limits. I knew how much Min Kyeong was unwilling to let us go but deep in my heart I knew this was it. 

The last time we will be able to go out as a family albeit just a few hours. The last time she can sit next to me like that without anyone fussing over her. The last chance for us to spend quality time together. Her days were up. I knew that. 

She knew that too. 

So much ran through my mind. 

I had so much to tell her but I just could not find the words for it. 

I wanted to comfort her and tell her it’ll be okay, but we knew she wouldn’t buy it. She knew it too, that it was just a lie. A lie I constantly replayed not to comfort her, but to deceive myself. I wanted to tell her that there was hope but at this stage, we knew nothing we do can make her better. I wanted to talk to her about our past, but I knew how much it would hurt to realize those times are not coming back. 

After moments of silence, I subconsciously said, “The kids have grown a lot haven’t they?” realizing that this was probably one of the most common things I said nowadays. I see the children every single day but it feels like every single day they grow up to become a greater person and almost so quickly that I couldn’t catch up. 

MinKyeong looked at me the slight smile still on her face since just now. She could not reply, neither could she move herself but the looks in her eyes told me she agreed. 

I continued, “It’s so amazing whenever I look at them. They were so tiny and fragile and now they are running about, falling and getting up again. They are getting stronger by the day, physically… and emotionally.” A sense of ache tugged my heart. 

Immediately, I quickly plastered a smile as I turned MinKyeong’s wheelchair to face me, trying to hide my worries and pain as much as I can as I took in everything I could about her in the few minutes I looked at her. Her face, her eyes, her hair, her scent, her lips, her limbs, her beautiful hands, everything. I wanted to remember them forever. 

“We’ll be okay,” was all I could choke out as I suppressed my tears and stop them from falling in front of MinKyeong. My voice quivered but I quickly masked it with a smile as I gave her a knowing nod. I couldn’t think of anything else to say. As compared to useless false hope I was giving her and myself, I felt that she needed to hear this most. 

She knew what I meant. 
I knew what I meant.  

All these past months of holding on may seem like nothing to an outsider but to us it was the most painful, yet such precious times we had together. 
And it was enough. I knew I couldn’t let her go. But Min Kyeong needs to know that we will be strong for her. For all the times she was strong for us, this time, we will hold on for her.  
We will be okay for her. 

She looked deep into my eyes and her smile disappeared for a few seconds before her eyes twinkled with tears that started to pour out. Her lost in mobility in her arms caused her lack of ability to wipe her tears away, leaving her face in a crying mess. 

The tears that I tried so hard to control started pouring out at that sight as I leaned forward and hugged her. “Minkyeong uh, we will be okay. We will be okay…” I repeatedly whispered into her ears as I her hair gently. 

As I pulled away and wiped my face dry, a smile began to form on her lips again. 

The same smile that captured me years ago, the same smile that never fails to brighten up my day, the smile that tells we will be okay, but also the same smile that masks all her pain for the past years and told us SHE was okay. 

And finally then, in my heart, I knew the words I was trying to find all along. 

“I Love You, more than you can ever imagine.” 

As I planted a soft kiss on her lips, the saltiness of our tears that tingled my taste buds ached my heart. 

And that’s when I realized, so this is the taste of pain. 
And maybe, this is goodbye. 

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