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Kwangmin put me down on a cold bench and wrapped the scarf he had in his hands around my neck. He sat next to me, constantly fidgeting as he watched our children run about, soft laughter could be heard from him. They didn’t even bother to stop and put down their bags beside us and instead ran excitedly towards the playground and dropped their bags down wherever. The cold doesn’t seem to stop them from doing anything, including climbing the metal racks that were as cold as ice.

Gently, Kwangmin took my hands and interlocked it with his, all the while his eyes still fixed on our children, making sure they were safe. With my hands still in his, he pushed our hands into his pocket. It was warm. Very warm. It has been a while since we were able to hold our hands like that, side by side. Ever since I fell sick, he was either in front or behind of me, holding my waist and helping me. It was a feeling I missed. It was a habit of his to always squeeze my hand from time to time when he had mine in his. Now similarly, he did that, as his face lit up into an angelic smile while watching our children play about. On days like these I wished I could selfishly block out the world to indulge in the moment and take a good long look at the way his face lights up with a smile, the way his huge eyes disappears whenever he did so; the face that creases whenever he was angry; the face that looks at me with love; the face that has the goofiest smile in the world; the face that has aged in the past two years from all the worry and hard work. A wave of sadness overtook me.

I wasn’t as strong as people think I am. I may be smiling but I am breaking down on the inside. Piece by piece, slowly, painfully. I want to scream out loud, “Why does it have to be me? I’m still young, I have a happy family, a loving husband and two young children that need me. I’m not ready for this, I’m not ready to go.” I watched as my children ran about as though they didn’t care about the world, as though nothing bothered them, I admired them for that. They were still young, they don’t know much. They didn’t know what death was. They didn’t know what sadness was. There was too much I had to do for them, and leaving them to live life without a mother was NOT one of them. I still have to watch them grow up, go to their graduation, send JunHyun off to the army and comb Mi Eun’s hair when she gets married before I can leave. Now is not the time.

But I know. 

It’s like those feeling you get after a marathon. You feel your legs go numb and energy drained from you. Similarly, I could feel life slipping out of me every single day, as though telling me “take a good look at the world, it may be your last”. But I didn’t dare to tell anyone about this misery I was keeping inside because I knew they weren’t having an easier time than I was.

“How are you feeling? Are you cold? Do you want to go back?” Kwangmin asked, bringing my focus back to my surroundings. I did feel cold, but I enjoyed the warmth I get from my family. The smiles on my children’s faces at this moment were too precious. If we were to ask them to go home now, they would be disappointed. Besides, it has been a while since Kwangmin had time to rest and take in fresh air.

“I’m fine.” I said with a smile.

“Alright but if you do want to go back we can go back any time. I don’t want you falling sick anymore.”

I forced out a smile and nodded, “I know”.

True enough, they didn’t feel the physical pain but many times emotional pain is much worse. I knew Kwangmin was dying inside along with me, but he is keeping his smile on for me and the children. So the least I could do was to smile and live life like it didn’t bother me. If it could give them strength and hope, I didn’t mind at all. I was genuinely happy though, despite my sickness, because I knew I wasn’t alone. I knew I had people I could rely on and people who would never leave me although knowing that I would leave them someday.

“Eomma!” My children screamed from a distance, their feet dangling off the top of the metal rack, their faces b with joy and pride having made it to the top on their own. “Come play with us!”

I froze for a split second but quickly covered it with a smile. “Eomma can’t go there!” I admitted bitterly, “But Appa will play with you!”

With that, I let go of Kwangmin’s hands and hurried him off to the kids. “Go play with them, I’ll be fine here.” Uncertainty was written all over his face. “I’m fine.” With my reassurance, he left.

I watched my children and husband from afar. The way they jumped and ran, their precious expressions and laughter, the way they picked themselves up after the fell and the way Kwangmin took care of them and gave them unconditional love. It was a blissful moment for me, because I knew that they were happy at that point in time, and I know that even without me they will do well. As much as it hurts me, I can’t be more proud to know that.

It was one of those moments I look up at the sky and wonder if I can see everything from there. I wished so badly that I could capture these moments with my soul, so that I can take it with me when I go. So that I won’t be lonely, so that I won’t forget… These precious people that were mine, I want to keep them in me forever.

On a cold winter late afternoon, a rainbow spread across the sky, as though smiling at me and telling me it’s alright to be weak sometimes, that it’s okay to feel sadness and hurt, and that even so I should never give up on life. With my left hand, I raised it to my face and wiped away the tears that had fallen. The warm tears that touched my skin, was a sign that I had not given up, that I was strong, that I was still alive.

Hey guys here is the second update of the week! if you guys havent already read the previous one do read that first! so how did you think of this chapter? Do comment, subscribe etc. Your feedback are much appreciated! ^^ 

This is a painful chapter to write but i hope you guys will enjoy this chapter. 

Love, 

YooGeum <3