FLASHBACK

6 Years Ago

I arrived at Kiko's place. It was already late in the evening but I promised that I'll visit her. I haven't seen her for a week and she's trying to call me everyday just for me to leave it ringing and ringing. Not wanting to answer her. I've been going out to clubs at night and only thinks of Dara just to finally realized that I also love her.

After the talk I had with Sanghyun at the airport a while ago, it made me realize that all my actions are because I started to like her. I care for her. I thought I just care because I'm her bestfriend but it's deeper than that. I was wrong.

I glaced at Kiko's house and felt the pain in my heart. I then looked at the letter Dara left for me. I took the neatly folded paper beside me and endured all the pain from reading her letter.

It took me a minute to curse myself and hate her for leaving me behind without solving our problem. I know I am the one to be blamed because I hurt her so much without me knowing it.

I crumpled the paper into a ball and throw it to God knows where. Now I'm hurting Kiko as well.

"!!!!" I cursed inside my car and hit my head on the wheel.

It's all my fault. I deserve this.

Can't you give me a little time Dara? But you ended it, it's over now. If this is what you want, if you want to get rid of your feelings for me, then so be it. I'm not worth it anyway. I deserve this pain.

I'm sorry for hurting you Dara, sorry for realizing my feelings this late. I will not bother you anymore, I won't let you get hurt because of me anymore. You deserve to be happy even if I am not a part of it, you deserve to be be loved back, but I'm not the one for you. Kiko deserve to be happy as well and she needs me. I love her first and I cannot make another mistake. I'm sorry if I'm choosing Kiko, it's better this way Dara. You are the one who left me first anyway without giving me another chance to prove that I love you. And yet, I'm the one who made you leave me, that's why we are not meant for each other. So if you want to forget me, then do it and I'll do the same.

I started the engine and flew off. But on the way, I realized that choosing Kiko is wrong because I'm loving other woman. I don't think I will love Kiko like I used to when in fact I want Dara back.

I really want Dara back. I will wait for her because I believe that she'll return in my arms again. I know it will happen soon. I know that Dara can't leave me even for just a year because I know her a lot. She's afraid of being alone so I know that it won't even take a year of her being away from us, from me.

I turn the wheel on the left and found my way back at Kiko's place.

This doesn't seem right. I'm hurting Kiko who has no idea of my feelings right now. I avoided her for a week just to hurt her. I had promised that I'll visit her now but I have be true to myself. I can't lie to her. I can't stay in a relationship with her because I'm in love with Dara.

Her injuries are still fresh and her feet is still on cast. This will be painful to both of us but i have to face it. I don't want to hurt her but I don't want to hurt her even more if I stay beside her.

I breathed and fill my lungs with air to calm my nerves. I began to open the door and left the car. I pressed her doorbell and found her maid greeted me and let me in.

"Ms. Kiko already is waiting for you upstairs sir"

I thanked the lady and went to find her. I found her on the bed while watching tv. I bit my lower lips after seeing her casted feet placed above her pillow and her bandaged head.

I know Dara's the one who did this and it's really heart breaking if she found out that I'm in love with the girl who did this to her.

"Jiyong!! finally I see you. I missed you baby"

I saw her smiled so brightly and patted the space beside her. I walked towards her but I didn't sit down which she wanted me to. I just stayed on my feet and looked at her.

"What's up Jiyong. Your making a face that is hard to paint. What's wrong?" She began.

I trembled after seeing her so worried about me. I loved this girl but how come I have fallen out of love?

"Dara left the country -" I wasn't finished yet when I saw Kiko smiled again, even clapped her hands.

"That's great Jiyong! I don't want to see her anymore. I know she's even planning to kill me, even after doing this to me. That's a good news Jiyong"

I felt disappointed after hearing that. But Kiko has the right because she suffered a lot. I hope that it was me who fell down the stairs not her.

"It's not a good news Kiko" I whispered enough for her to hear me.

"Why not? Aren't you mad at her for doing this to me Jiyong??"

"I was mad of course. But she's still my bestfriend Kiko. I can't hate hate her"

I saw her pouted and roll her eyes. "WHAT?? I haven't see you for a week and this is what you'll pay me?"

"I'm sorry Kiko" I nodded my head. I muttered that 3 words again and again until I fell on my knees.

"Jiyong, w-what are you doing. Why are you that sorry?. Will you stand up, you're freaking me out!"

She tried to reach for my face but I held it with my hands as tight as possible. I know that it's still painful for her to move her arms because of some abrasions and bruises on both of her arms "Please forgive me Kiko but I have to end this. Please broke up with me"

There was a deafening silence between us and it made my heart beat so fast.

"What? W-what are you talking about Jiyong. I don't understand"

"I'm in love with Dara. Please forgive me Kiko. I'm really sorr-"

"But she's you bestfriend. That's not even p-possible" I heard her sobbing and saw her tears flowing continuously. I saw her confused and staring at me with pain.

"I'm so sorry"

"NO!! Stop!! H-how could you Jiyong! That tried to kill me. That did this all to me and now you'll also kill me through breaking my heart? huh? How could you Jiyong? How dare you say that to my face. Can't you see I'm broken already and yet you fell in love with the who did this to me?? you!! you to hell Jiyong!!"

I endured all her curses. I must endure it. Seeing her crying and broken like this made me want to comfort her but I don't have the right. All I can do is to bow down my head and face her with all my strength.

"Since when did you started to like her Ji?? Were you just playing with me? Was it fun to see me falling lifelessly at the stairs?"

"No of course not. I was really worried and mad at her but -"

"Damn you! then why are you breaking up with me now? Are you this insensitive Jiyong? Don't you pity me from all this physicall wounds that inflicted to me? I dreamed to become a model Jiyong. I always tell you that but do you think some agencies will still hire me with all this scars? I waited for a week to see you and this is how you greet me? Tell me Jiyong, Did you even love me?"

I paused. She's right, I am insensitive. First I never felt the changes in Dara because I wasn't sensitive enough. Now, I'm also being insensitive to Kiko as well.

I know this is wrong, breaking up with her in a wrong time but all I can think of is Dara. I don't want to hurt Kiko if I stay beside her.

"Kiko, I'm doing this for you. I know this isn't the right time to do this but I don't want to hurt you more. I don't want to lie to you"

"You already lied to me Jiyong. Stop trying to be humble because I don't want any of it. I want you Jiyong. I love you even now"

"I'm not trying to be humble! I'm just being honest to you Kiko, please do understand it. I love Dara and I want her back. I will wait for her to return to me. You asked me when did I started to like her, right? Since we were still young, I already like her, care for her. I don't even want some guys surrounding her. I don't want any guys to talk to her. But the truth is. I never lied to you Kiko. I did love you, I care for you as well but Dara's different. I realized that I love her just a while ago after I lost her. I know I'm hurting you so much but this is for the best Kiko. We can still be good friends you know"

I felt her pulling her hand out of my grip and avoided me. I was about to hold her hands to feel my sincerity but to only be disappointed.

"Leave now Jiyong, Come back to me if you're on your right mind. Maybe you are just missing her. I will trust you in your words that you love me and you didn't lied to me. I will forget all what I heard about Dara. I will forget what happened but you have to promise me that you'll come back to me"

What?

"Kiko I-i'm not coming b-back. You misunderstood. I'm breaking up wit-"

"Leave!"

I gasped and stood up. I saw her drying her tears and smiling to me like nothing happened. It pains me seeing her like that. But I will not come back anymore. I walked towards her and held her hands but she pushed my hands away..

"Leave!"

"Kiko, I-I'm not-"

"I said leave. Are you that deaf? Leave now!!"

"But-" I felt her pushed me but I can't leave right away. She's telling me to come back but I won't. I'm ending our relationship.

I paused and stayed on my spot. I really do want her to understand that I'm here to discuss this with her as smoothly as possible. Am I asking too much from her? I just want to end this.

"Leave!!"

She yelled and now it's much louder than before. She pushed me once again but she lost her balance and fell on the floor. I was about to help her when she slapped my hands away. I heard her groan, almost yelled from the pain but she just avoided looking at me.

"Kiko please don't make this hard for the both of us"

"Leave!!. Don't you dare hurt me Jiyong. This isn't hard for you. Can't you see I'm hurting so much now? Please don't do this to me. I love you Jiyong, I love you so much that I can't let you go away from me. Don't end this relationship without thinking about my feelings. I can't give you an answer right now because I love you so much that it hurts. leave me alone for now. Please"

I stepped away. This is painful but I already made my decision.

"I'm so sorry"

I bowed my head and saw her looked at me. fell open and her tears once again flowed on her cheeks. I began to walk away and closed her door.

This is for the best Kiko, I'm sorry. Goodbye.

*******

A week past, and another week until it took months for me to live my life without hurting myself more, thinking about Dara. I always worry about her, if she's eating on time, if she's happy, if she's making new friends but I don't think that she's trying to forget all about me.

Kiko called me all the time but I ignored all of her calls. She started going to school almost a week past now. I will always see her outside my classroom, on the schoolgate but still I avoided her. I'm being cruel to her, I know that but I'm meserable as well just like her. She still loves me as it says to all her secret letters she left at my personal locker. I read all of it but I felt nothing. I'm only pitying myself more.

I'm ony thinking about my bestfriend. Until now I want to seek for her to find her and fetch her home but Sanghyun's words still echoed on my head that I should leave Dara for now.

For months until I reached half a year waiting for dara, but still she never showed up. My friends will always do their best to cheer me up as I drown myself in loneliness and guilt. There's a time where I will stare at Dara's house from day to night, trying to wait if Dara's already back but it just pains me thinking that she's still not coming back.

I want to see her now, as in now.

Kiko stopped calling me, maybe she gets tired of me and I have no problems with that. We ofteny bumped to each other at the university but she would just smile at me and walk away, not like those days where she followed me around like a shadow. She was annoying but right now I began to pity her. The way she smiles, it gave me feelings as if she's trying to forget her feelings and forget the memories of me on her heart.

If you'll think about it, it's really hard to forget but the way she's smiling at me, it simply means that she wanted to be strong, even for me. She knew that I hardly speak nor go out with my friends for I'd rather stay at home, or wait for Dara outside their house.

I shoudn't be like this. I should give Dara her freedom and some time to think of herself. But it's been half a year that she's gone. It made me guiltier day by day.

1 year that passed until it reached 2 years, I'm slowly losing my hope. I found out that Dara is happily living her life far away from us. Just that thought it gave me hard time coping with it. How could she forget about us?? How could she forget about me?? How could she leave without thinking about us??

It hurts.

I went to clubs every night, drowning myself with alcohol. I would go home drunk and would stay all day sleeping. I live my life that way because I missed her but at the same time I'm mad at her. I got frustrated from her, disappointed to what happened between us. I don't blame myself for this because it's not just me who made this friendship end. She's still a part of it because she walked away just like that.

My friends always visit me at home for I stopped going to school. I only have few months left before I graduate and they would push me to continue my education which is hard for me. Dara and I promised each other tha we'll graduate together. But what about now?? That promise is broken!

My father would also visit me and my mom gave me few more advises on how to cope with my depression but it's as if I can't hear them. I became deaf. I became a loner.

There was a time when Bom and Youngbae would scold me for living meserable like this. Still I would just push them to go away and would ask them to go away from me from now on. They got tired from it and distance themselves from me, telling me that they can't help me if I won't even let them help me. I was happy after that but happy means hell. I was in hell and I love it.

I love the way I woke up early in the afternoon smelling smoke and alcohol inside my room. Love the way the darkness sooths me. I love the way the silence embraced me. I love the way it hurts thinking about Dara who ran away from me.

Those days was hell but heaven for me.

There was a time when I have an unexpected visitor. I would always fire the maid who's always letting visitors to disturb me at my haven.

I found out that it was Kiko. I saw her wearing a blackdress with a smile that shouts for pity as well as anger. She's different from all the people who visits me, giving me books, giving me fruits, giving all those ed up things that would end up on my garbage can. But to Kiko it's different. I saw her placing a 5 packs of cigarette on my table and 3 bottles of suju.

Without words, she sat on the floor, she doesn't even care if my room is too dirty for some spilled liqour are everywhere and used cigarettes are scattered all over. I was still on my bed. I sat up and just watch her. I saw her started drinking alone and began to smoke. She was staring at me with a smirk on her lips.

"Wan'na join me?"

"Leave me alone will you?" I hissed and went back to bed.

"Sure. I'll leave after I finished all this. If you don't want my company then suit yourself. Sleep all you want, don't mind me here"

How I really wanted to close my eyes and just sleep but she started playing a rock gothic type of music and started singing even without tune.

I watched her while she started banging her head and laughing by herself.

"This is fun!!" She screamed happily and started dancing like crazy.

"Yah!!! this isn't a club so will you off?? !!"

I pressed my pillow on my ears but I felt her pulling the thing out off my grip and started pulling me out of the bed. Since when did she have this kind of strength? I ended up hitting the floor. She was holding a bottle of suju on her hands while puffing a smoke. She then opened one bottle and gave it to me.

"Drink!!" She ordered and a bit mad. She began to glare at me when I pushed her hands away.

I don't know why I reached for the bottle and drank some. I coughed when I tasted the bitter sweet taste of suju and felt the sting on my throat. I got dizzied after that, as if I drank 2 sleeping pills. But it made me want to drink more. It's the first time for me to drink a suju. I'm just drinking branded liquor, whiskeys, beers but this is different.

"How's that?? It's good right?"

"Y-yea" I stuttered while looking at her. She was standing and drunk some contents on the bottle. It made me think of what's her business from me.

"Why are you here Kiko?"

"Let's dance come one"

She then pull me up and began to bang her head again. I just watch her but she just glared at me when she saw me not doing anything. She taught me how to bang my head and dance.

Minutes past, we found that we were laughing with each other while smoking and dancing wildly. She end up on the floor after she turned around and around. I just laugh at her silliness. I was about to help her stand but she pulled me towards her. Our lips touched when I stumbled and fall. Maybe it was because of the alcohol and the bulding emotions inside me when I felt the need to kiss her. I kissed her but she didn't respond instead she pushed me away.

I groaned in frustration but I am not that drunk to not realize her trembling lips and a tear on her eyes. She wiped it off before it reached her cheeks.

"K-kiko" I stuttered. I don't know what to say. From the moment she stepped inside my room I forget about Dara. It made me realize something. How can I kiss her like that when she's seeing me like this because of Dara.

She picked another cigarette and puffed some smoke. I just watch her and drank the suju on my hands.

"Why are you here Kiko?"

It was few seconds before she answered.

"To see you of course" She then stared at me.

"Are you here to scold me too?"

"Am I scolding you?" she returned, that made me pout my lips. Now memories of Dara's starting to come back again.

"Wanna dance some more?" She said out of the blue. She began to drag me up again and we danced together. I think she said that just to make me stop thinking about Dara. Yet I joined her. I want to forget too. If this small deeds made me forget her then I'm willing to do this all day.

I want to be free from all her memories right now, I want to live too. The only thing that's stopping me is my guilt. I'm the one who made my bestfriend leave me.

I then realized that I'm thinking of her again and found Kiko's staring at me. She even stopped dancing.

"Why did you leave me Jiyong?" She asked and still tried to put a weak smile on her lips.

"What? What is it now? Why did you suddenly asked that?" I became irritatted and sat on the bed, disapponted at her.

"Just answer me, damn it!" She half yelled.

So she's here just to ask me that?. Tch, she's no different from all my visitors. Still here to teach me something which I don't even understand. Fine!

"Because I love her" I began.

"Who?"

" you!! you know who. Kiko-ah. Could you leave no-"

"Tell me who did you gave your heart to?" She continued. She began to open the last bottle and drunk half of the content. I began to reach for the bottle to stop her from drinking. She looked so drunk now. But she didn't gave me the bottle.

I sighed and began to answer her question. "I love Sandara Park. Now give me the bottle and go home"

"No! I'm not yet finished"

I again tried to reach for the bottle but she pushed me hard and ended on the corner of the bed. I don't want to see her like this. She's still important for me of course.

She stopped smiling when I said Dara's name before she pushed me. I now saw her walking towards me and poured all the contents of suju on my head. I stood up hastily and was about to slap her.

"You want to hurt me?? Come on, bring it on. If this will make you realize who you're hurting too while you are being like this!" She uttered with a crack voice.

I felt my hand trembled but I backed away, clenching my fist and avoided her eyes. What is she talking about? "I didn't asked you to get hurt seeing me like this!"

I was about to face her when I received a very painful slap on my face. It hurts so much but what hurts me more was seeing her sobbing in front of me that she almost sat on her knees.

"Bastard" Her voice was too soft but she repeated those words again and again.

I really don't know what to do so I just sat on the bed and sighed deeply. It took us some few minutes to break the silence.

"If you are that in love with her then why am I seeing you like this? How could you be meserable like this when I was the one who got hurt the most? Now tell me why is that??"

"Kiko-yah, Please stop it. I told you I don't want to hurt you-"

"Go to hell!! I'm already hurt can't you see? Stop this Jiyong-ahh and live your life again. I stopped pursuing you because I can't change the fact that you can never love me again. But this? I can't allow this to happen. You are still hurting me even until now, do you understand?"

I just looked at her emotionless and it's as if she understood what I'm thinking right now. I'm asking myself how? How can I still hurt her?

"You left me because of her, but is this the way to repay me for that? Living your life like this? You should be happy now that you finally realized that you love her back but what's happening now? I should be the one living like this not you. You have no right to be like this because it was I who's beling left, who got betrayed, and set aside not you. But look at me. I tried my best to live because I still have a life even if theres no love. I still love you Jiyong-ah. Until now I still love you"

Hearing her, I realized that she's right. I hurt her the most and this is how I repay her. She even still love me even if I'm the bastard who tore her heart?

"We're different. You are strong Kiko and I'm not. I have done a horrible things to you and her, that's why leave me alone like this. I'm happy with this?"

"Happy? all I can see is the pitiful Jiyong who's crying inside his heart. Let it out Jiyong. Don't blame yourself for what had happened because it can never change what happened in the past. If you love her then respect her decision. If she comes back to you then you are fated with each other. If not then live with it, accept it with all your heart and move on. If Dara moved on then you should also do that. Don't give up on your life Jiyong. If you give up then you are not the Jiyong I love. I will regret loving such a bastard like you being like this"

"Kiko-ahh" I got swayed with what she said. I don't want her to regret loving me for I had loved her too.

"Prove to me that giving you your freedom to love somebody else is worth it. I accepted my loss because I know how deep is your love to Dara. But seeing you like this, how I wished that I never let you leave my side."

I stared at her eyes. She was crying now, and her tears are flowing and pouring down. I reached for her face and caress it. I wiped her tears and felt her lean on my palms.

"You can cry with me Jiyong. Let it out. Cry all you want then let me wiped it off from you"

The way she said it so softly, I found myself crying with her. I let out all my pains and disappointments. I slowly forgot about her. I just focused on Kiko and started to live my life again with her, my friends, and my family.

Kiko was the one who wiped all my pains away and the one who made me realize how to stand up after you tripped.

I found myself kissing her until we ended up on the bed. I totally forgot about Dara and woke up the next day holding Kiko, embracing her, and thankful to have her.

I began to like her again. I started to get close to her again and few months later, she welcomed me with an open arms once again.

END Of FLASHBACK

___________________________________________________

I will be updating chapter 16 tomorrow, same time. Have  a good day yeorubun. Saranghae!!

I really can't blame him coz what he did was pure instinct, the need to forcefully get what his heart 
desires, the thing that he had been waiting for for a long time, esp when he knows in his guts that he 
might just lose it... I also pity him coz i guess everything is just too late... and it was just bad luck that 
when Dara returned he just got engaged to Kiko, and he lost his freedom to express what he truly feels... 
Still i applaud him for what he did... owning up to the problem, accepting that he lost everything, not 
clinging to D or K, letting go of both though he knows its gonna hurt a million times over... in the end 
he was still a man, a good man at that in my eyes....

For Dara:
I'm happy for Dara coz finally she realized she's free... but.... i think the freedom she felt is more on 
knowing that she is done clinging to ji and to her memories, that she can now stand on her own, but 
not love him??... i think she still does... i mean if she's thinking that she can now freely give herself to 
someone she thinks deserves her whole heart, then why is she hesitating when Min Ho asked her to 
marry him? so i guess the happiness she felt is not because she's free but more on the feeling of retribution, the satisfaction in knowing that in fact Ji feels the same, he's feeling what i felt before... but then the eyes is the window of the soul... so i think her looking at Ji's eyes, reading the sincerity, regret, and deep love that's why she's feeling guilty... because subconsciously she still love him....

chan-minam - I pity him.. C0z his to0 late for realizing his true feeling for dara.. 

forsocialnetworkonly-  Aww In this case, I feel pity for Minho. He deserves Dara more than Jiyong

132901- I don't know what to feel towards Jiyong. If he realize his feelings for Dara before he should broken things up with Kiko

eamzkirei-  jiyong's kinda rough but i can't blame him, i pity him because it took 6 long years just to pour out his feelings for dara.... feelings that are kept for quite sometime can be scary because all the reserved feelings will be poured all in one go, you can no longer distinguish your actions and your words 

Thanks for the honest answers my lovely readers. I appreciate it!

For my 15th question,

``In dealing with break ups, how do you (how will you) cope with it?``

Keep on smiling,

-Aeiya-luvs-u