"Yes, this one is looking good" Mrs Dawson smiled approvingly at the apples, "April is a lovely month for apples and pears." And I agree, I don't think I've seen apples looking this fresh and oh, the smell... We walked through the farm, talking and biting onto freshly picked apples. 
"It's your second week here in Perth, how are you liking it?" Mrs Dawson asked as she scrutinized the apples. 
I thought for a while, "Mm... I love it here. It's different from where I came from and it reminded me of where I grew up. Peaceful, yet quite busy. But I do really like it here - being surrounded by nature and all it has to offer - the animals, the freshest vegetations and your family. Mrs Dawson, you have a very lovely family" Mrs Dawson's family seemed like the ideal - Father, mother, and 4 kids; two boys and two girls. If you put them together for a photoshoot, they fill up so very nicely - Mr and Mrs Dawson will be seated, the two younger ones at their side, and the two elders ones at their back. Picture perfect. 
"Thank you, Jae. You are very lovely yourself. Are you planning to start a family with your husband soon?" 
Yes, Mrs Dawson, I want to but, "No, not so soon. I don't think we're ready for one yet." 
"Oh, come on, Jae. I see you play with the kids and they love you. Give it a go, honey. A family will change your life; in ways you never thought were possible" She smiled and there was a part of me that ached. I've never had a family-family. 
"I've never had a family," I found myself voicing my thoughts. Mrs Dawson came to a halt in front of me, dropping her baskets onto the grass "Honey, sit down, come," she put my basket down and we sat amongst comforting scent of fresh and ripening apples, "Tell me." 
And I did. I told her my whole life story and I contemplated to cut the long story short but I know Mrs Dawson cares enough - "And I just don't know if my husband and I are ready. After all, I don't know if I know how to do it - being a mother. And Seunghyun, he is an idol, he is a superstar that grasped attention from all around the world. The world doesn't know about us. And as much as I'd like to have children, I don't think it's even possible. Keeping our marriage and relationship at a low is already giving us so much troubles. I can't imagine having a kid who has to lie to the world about his father. It's too unfair, isn't it?"
I miss Seunghyun. It's just two weeks away from him and I already miss him so terribly much. Before coming to Perth, we had a huge fight. We fought about how little time we can spend together, we fought about not having breakfast or dinners together. We fought about every little thing there is to fight about. 
 

/flashback/ 

"What happened to us?" Seunghyun sighed, "Why are we so unhappily in love?" 
I don't know, Seunghyun, I don't know. Maybe, maybe, maybe, urgh, I don't know. I remained silent, hugging my knees, seeking the only source of comfort I can find. I feel so much like crying. My lips are trembling. 
"Baby," Seunghyun called softly and the gentleness in his voice was my undoing as tears streamed down my face, "Come here," and I willingly went. I curled up on his laps, digging into his scent. 
"Shh..." he cradled me like he was holding onto a precious baby, rocking me from left to right.
"Jae, listen," he said, straightening me up as soon as my crying came to a slow, "I don't want you to settle for misery just because you are afraid of change." 
What do you mean, Seunghyun? I cocked my head to the side, reflecting my confusion - I have little to no energy to even speak. I'm so exhausted. 
"I'm busy. I'm so busy. I'm tied up by schedules but you're not. The Hyunjae I know is a carefree person - She goes wherever she wants to, wherever that makes her happy. But now, she's upset. She's slowly losing that part of her. I fell in love with that free spirit of yours, Jae." 
Holy , what is he talking about? Tears brimmed in my eyes again, "Are you asking me to leave?" I don't want to leave, Seunghyun. I don't want to.
"I'd hate to see you leave but watching you like this isn't exactly the easiest thing for me to do and -" 
Before he could finish, I threw myself onto him again, crying harder this time, "Please, I don't want to leave. I'm sorry... I don't want to leave yo-" 
"Hey, hey, hey, baby..." he pulled me away from him so he could hold onto my tear stained face, "What are you talking about?"
"You want to break up with me," I said in between my sobs, and yet he chuckled.
"Oh, Jae..." and he chuckled a little some more, then leaning in to kiss the tears that rolled down, "First, we're married, we don't break up. Second, no, I'm not making you divorce me either - no way in hell. Yes, I want you to leave but not what you're thinking. I want you to go wherever you want to - but only when I'm super busy. Starting from next week, I'll be filming and working on my solo album. I'll barely be at home. So I want you to take this time to go wherever you want to, then come back to me."
"Is that what you want?" I asked, still feeling unsure. I've never left Seunghyun ever since we got married. I never liked leaving him. I stopped traveling because I wanted to be with him and yes, it drives me crazy, but I'd do that for Seunghyun.
"Is that what you want?" he asked me back. And for a moment, I strayed away from Seunghyun and concentrated on myself - Yes, I'd like that. But no, how can I just leave? 
"I don't know." 
"It's okay" he kissed my forehead, "It's okay," and he kissed it again, "I love you, Jae. I hate it when we fight... I love you so much," he said, his eyes closed, his nose against mine, "I love you so much sometimes I hate myself. If it wasn't for me, we'd-" 
And I stopped him from speaking by wrapping my lips around his. I know where he is going with this. We've been through this over and over again and I never seemed to be able to make him understand that I love him so much, that there is little to no problems overlooking the part of our relationship being so private. It's okay, Seunghyun, it's okay. 

/end of flashback/ 


"Jae, let nature take its course then. If it's meant to be, there's no running away, isn't it?" Mrs Dawson offered me a hug and we stood up with our baskets, to continue picking apples when I started feeling really nauseous. 
"Mrs Dawson," I choked out, "Do you have a bag? I'm feeling really sick." 
"Oh dear," I hear her panicking, digging her little waist pouch for a bag, and at the same time, reassuring me but I - ...

And thank god, for the plastic bag which came in time. 


"Oh dear, are you feeling better?" Mrs Dawson tucked my fringe to the back of my ear with one hand, and the other at the small of my back, patting it. 
"Yes" I managed to say in between my coughs. 
"Dear, do you want to go to the doctor? You've been acting funny for the past few days. It can't be the food since all of us are feeling mighty. I think I'll bring you to the doc-" and she stopped talking mid sentence. When I looked up at her, was open and she gasped with excitement which she failed at hiding, "Honey, do you think that you might be -" 
I didn't need her to finish the sentence, "No, no, no, no, no. No way. I can't. No." 
"Oh!!! I'll ask Sean - Mr Dawson, to get a few pregnancy kits when he comes back" her excitement was still evident and I'm completely flustered. No, god, no...


We went back into the house and my whole head was wrapped around the idea of a possible pregnancy. I counted back to when Seunghyun and I last had but how the heck do I determined which caused or potentially caused it? And . My period is not here yet, is it? No, no, no... Is it possible? No, no, no, no, no - Ouch, ouch. "Ouch" I exclaimed, looking down onto my mildly bloody index finger. Damn it. I dropped the knife and grabbed a band aid and wrapped it around the cut. 

I can't stay indoors. I can't. I'm going mental. 

I walked outside and laid on the grass, sun shining bright in my face. I think I became a lot tanner than I've ever been and I kind of like it. It is a healthy glow. I closed my eyes, hoping to let the thoughts of a potential pregnancy dissipate. 
 

"Jae, wake up, Jae" I hear a childish voice calling me, and then I feel someone nudging me. I opened my eyes and see that the sun is setting. Oh, I must have fallen asleep. 
"Hi