I Love You. [Final Chapter]
ForeverSuho held you close as you cried into his shoulders, staining his plaid dress shirt.
“It's okay sweetie, just let it all out, I'm here for you.”
your hair, Suho placed a soft kiss on your forehead before wiping the tears that stained your cheeks. He looked down at your tearstained face and hoped that his gentle embrace would make you feel safe and protected. He knows he can’t change the fact that your brother is gone, but he’ll do his best to show you how much he cares. You continued to sob and wrapped your arms around Suho's torso. The news had struck everyone hard. You and Suho had just got home from getting together with his friends to plan his eighteenth birthday party when you received a phone call from your screaming mother. Suho drove you back to your parent's place and found your mother in the arms of your father while your brother was dangling from the ceiling, the police officers had yet to arrive. Suho shuttered as the images came back, Chanyeol’s lifeless face, you falling to your knees and everyone’s cries echoing in his head.
Nobody would have guessed that he'd commit suicide. Not a single person in the family or the people amongst Chanyeol's circle of friends would have guess that their happy virus was upset enough with life to hang himself. No one, but Suho. Suho knows that this is partly his fault and he’ll never be able to live with himself. Chanyeol’s stalkers were taking a toll on his mental health and the strain in his relationship with Soojin wasn’t helping. Chanyeol had confided in Suho a couple times, but the older was always at a loss. Stalking is a misdemeanor in South Korea, so contacting the police would have done Chanyeol little good. Suho tried giving him support when he had problems with Soojin, but it was like the younger refused to listen. Suho tried to talk this over with Chanyeol’s friends and he brought it up every now and then with you, but you haven’t been paying much attention to Suho lately. No. Suho shouldn’t think like that. It was his own fault for not handling things better. Chanyeol trusted him and Suho had let him down. What kind of a hyung am I? Suho knew he was having a hard time, but he was of no help. He didn’t know the stress would push the boy over like this. Chanyeol was like a younger brother to him. Suho sighed as he continued to comfort you. He had mentioned these things to you before, but only very briefly. He wonders if you’ll blame yourself for not catching on sooner as well.
Seconds, minutes, and soon an hour as gone by before Suho realizes that you haven’t said anything. In fact, you’ve been motionless as well. Your cellphone starts to ring, but you don’t seem to hear it.
“Sweetie…Sweetie? Sweetie!” Suho waved his hands in front of your face to get your attention, you must have dazed out just now. “You’re phone is ringing.” Suho handed you your cellphone and watched as you picked it up.
“Soojin?”
“Unnie, where are you right now? I have something I need to tell you…” Suho watched as you got up from his embrace and furrowed your eyebrows.
“Huh? What? I’m at my apartment with Suho, why?”
“I… I need to talk about Chan-” No.
Suho’s eyes widened in panic when you threw your phone against the wall. He stood up immediately, only to be met with a look of confusion in your eyes.
“Suho?! What's wrong with you?! Why did you do that?!”
“Do what?” Suho didn’t understand. Something just doesn’t seem right.
“Suho, what the hell is going on? Why did Soojin sound so scared just now?”
“What do you mean what’s going on? How would I know why Soojin was scared?” Suho tried to keep himself composed, but you were really starting to worry him.
“Then why the hell did you throw my phone just now?”
“Sweetie, are you alright? You threw your phone. Chanyeol’s death must really be hitting you hard.” Suho placed his hands on your cheek and brushed it softly. “You need to calm down for a bit alright?”
“No, Suho, I saw you throw my phone!” Suho winced as your nails dug into his hands to remove it from your face.
“Sweetie, you need to calm down. I know you’re in shock because of what happened, but I can’t just pretend that nothing is wrong. You got up when I gave you the phone just now and spoke with Soojin for thirty seconds before throwing your own phone across the room. I didn’t even touch it.” Suho knows you don’t believe him. There’s a crazed look in your eyes and he doesn’t know what to do. He watched as you took in a couple deep breaths and felt slightly reassured when your expression relaxed.
“Sorry Suho, I don’t know why I did that…” Suho smiled before placing a kiss on your forehead.
“It’s okay, how about I make you some tea to calm you down?” You nodded as Suho laced his hand into yours and led you to your shared bedroom. He brought you to the bed and placed the pillows on your back so you could sit up in comfort. “Wait here while I go boil the water.”
Suho looked back at you one last time before leaving the room. On his way to the kitchen he couldn’t help, but wonder why you looked so scared while talking on the phone just now. Did Soojin know something about why Chanyeol committed suicide? Is there more to the story? With a frown, Suho started to boil the water and grabbed a packet of green tea. Suho knows he can’t make things better and that he can’t bring Chanyeol back, but he’ll do his best. Once the water boiled, Suho quickly poured it into your cup and made his way back to the bedroom.
“Hey sweetie, I made you green tea, this should help.” He walked over and blew the tea gently before giving it to you. “Come on, drink up.” You pretended to take a sip then smiled. Suho noticed, but brushed it aside thinking you didn’t feel like having any.
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.” Suho took the cup back from you and glanced at the clock. “It’s already nine, maybe you should get to bed early today. Some sleep will do you good. I’m sorry about what happened, nobody should have to experience that.
Suho leaned over to give you a hug, but you flinched, pulling away from his touch. “Sweetie? Are you okay?” He placed his hands on your head and you hair. You looked up at him in fear, your hands shaking as you brushed his hands off of you.
“I-I didn’t tell you anything.”
“Tell me what?” Suho was starting to freak out. The expression on your face was so foreign to him, he couldn’t put his finger on what it was exactly, but something was wrong.
“About what happened!” You were trembling now. “You just said no one should have to see that! I didn’t tell you what I saw!”
“S-sweetie, I-I… I don’t know what’s going on, but you need to calm down. I understand why you’re upset, but acting this way isn’t going to change anything. We can’t do anything about it okay? He’s gone!” Hot tears from the back of your eyes began to flow at the way your boyfriend spoke about your brother.
“What do you mean? Suho, w-what did you do?”
Suho worried his bottom lip and shook his head. You weren’t listening. Over the past couple of months, you haven’t been listening to him. “Sweetie, please, just listen to me for once okay? I’ve been trying to tell you about Chanyeol’s problems, but you kept brushing me aside, saying you know him better than I do, which I know it’s true, but I… I just… I didn’t know how to help him. I’m sorry I couldn’t help him. I’ve been so caught up with-” Suho stopped himself before he could finish his sentence. He’s been busy looking for the perfect engagement ring for you. He’s been busy juggling two musicals to save up money. He’s been busy narrowing down between your two favourite restaurants. He has your schedule memorized down pat, so that you won’t figure this out. He’s been so busy planning for a future with you that he forgot to think about Chanyeol’s future. “I’m so sorry sweetie, please don’t cry.”
Tears began to pour down Suho’s face as he stared at your downcast eyes. He just destroyed everything he’s worked so hard to protect. You stood up and started to walk towards the door. You’ve heard enough. You didn’t want to be with Suho if he thought your brother was a nuisance. You couldn’t believe that man you fell in love with could speak of your brother like this.
“Sweetie, where are you going?” Suho reached out for your arms and you struggled against his hold, but he only held you tighter. “Sweetie, please, just get some rest okay? You’ve had a long day.” You sobbed while tugging at his arms. You needed air.
“Let me go!” Spinning you around Suho crashed his lips against yours and gripped your hips. You bit Suho’s lips hard causing him to let go immediately.
“I-I’m so sorry.” Suho couldn’t look at you. He can’t believe he just did that while you’re in the state of stress. “Can you please just calm down and listen to me?”
“No!” You sobbed harder as you looked at him. Shocked, Suho’s eyes peered into yours, hoping to find the girl he fell in love with somewhere. “Give him back. Give him back! GIVE ME MY BROTHER BACK YOU !” You jumped up from where you were and shoved him. Suho lost his balance and clutched your arms, pulling you down with him. “Give him back! Chanyeol, my poor Channie, my poor baby brother. What did he ever do to you?!” You threw useless smacks against his chest as tears continued to fall down your face endlessly.
“Please calm down!” Suho grabbed your arms and sat up in a rush, causing the side of your face to smack the side of the wall by accident. Your eyes were filled with fear, your cheeks stinging and a light pink was starting to form. This must have caused something to snap in Suho because his expression softened again, the sudden change was absolutely frightening to you.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry sweetie.” Suho brought his hands up and cupped your face. “Sweetie, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I wouldn’t ever hurt you, you know that right? I’m so sorry; I don’t know what came over me. Sweetie, I’m sorry. Sweetie, sweetie?” You were at lost for words, this man is insane. “Please don’t be mad at me, I’m so sorry, you’ll forgive me right?”
You stared at him for a solid three seconds then gathered your saliva and spat on his face.
“Forgive you? YOU TOOK CHANYEOL FROM US!” Suho wiped the liquid off of his face, his hands trembling and lips quivering. Suho hadn’t realized you thought that way. He really was trying his best with Chanyeol’s problems.
“You’re making it sound as if I wasn’t trying! I’ve tried talking to you! I’ve tried giving him advice! There’s only so much that I could do! He’s all you ever talk about and he’s all you ever pay attention to. The moment something happens to Chanyeol, I’ve pushed aside. I’ve always been in second place and it really hurts, but I’ve been okay with it because I know you love your brother. I know you want him to be happy and I know you care about him, but it’s hard okay? It’s hard being in second place and it’s even harder being in second place when I saw how much pain he was in, but you couldn’t! How much do you know about me then? I knew more about Chanyeol and he’s not even my younger brother!” Suho regretted his words the moment they left his lips. That’s not true and he knows it. He’s just… so fed up.
You were at a loss for words. So Suho has been jealous of Chanyeol all this time. “Of course I love you, but Chanyeol is my baby brother!”
Suho’s eyebrows furrowed and he shook his head. You’re still not listening. “I know you love me, I’m just… I.”
“What is wrong with you Suho?!” What?
“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?! I do everything for you! I drove you around before you got a license, I let you stay at my place whenever your parents fought, I took care of you when you were sick and spent time with you whenever I could spare some of it from work and school. I love you with every ounce of my being but I’m always in second place. You cancel our dates whenever Chanyeol needs you, leave me hanging whenever he calls; the moment he’s in trouble I’m nothing in your eyes. Why is that? Why can’t there be enough space in your heart for more than just one person? Why is it that you can’t ever properly divide your attention to those around you?” You shook your head the entire time he spoke; you didn’t want to hear him talk about Chanyeol like that anymore. You felt your heart tear in two. This is the man you saw as your guardian for three years, the person you loved with all your heart and the person Chanyeol himself looked up to for protecting his older sister. The man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with questioned your love for him and took your brother from this world thinking he was an obstacle to your heart. You covered your ears with your hands and screamed.
“STOP IT!” You fell onto your knees, uncontrollable tears leaving your eyes. You weren’t even scared anymore, what else could Suho do to hurt you? You’re already dying inside; he just ripped your heart out and crushed it with his bare hands. You trusted him with the world, your stupidity and failure to judge his true character just cost you the life of your seventeen year old brother. You felt tears drop as Suho hugged you from behind. You didn’t even try to remove his arms; you didn’t have the strength to move.
“I’m sorry sweetie, this wasn’t supposed to happen. I’m sorry for hurting you; I didn’t mean all that. I’m sorry, I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. I’m sorry I couldn’t save Chanyeol.”
“Sick, you’re so ing sick.”
Suho doesn’t understand what’s going on. You were acting as if he had actually killed Chanyeol. Suho knows he’s at fault for not being able to intervene in time, but… did he really deserve to be treated like this? “No, sweetie please don’t say that. Please forgive me.”
“Forgive you? I saw my brother’s hanging body in front of my eyes because of you today!” You took in a deep breath and waited a few moments before bringing yourself up to your feet. Suho expected you to hit him when you got up but you stood still and glared at him.
“I couldn’t have known! I-I knew he was having troubles, but I didn’t know that it was to that extent! Sweetie, please. I love you. Just, this is hurting us both right now. Please, just calm down and get some rest, if not for me, for yourself, for Chanyeol.”
You stared at him, eyes unwavering, but your body relaxed and you nodded. “Fine.”
Suho let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “Are you reading to come to bed then? I’ll go sleep on the couch if you want.” You shook your head and held your hands out, waiting for him to place his there.
“You don’t have to sleep on the couch tonight.” You looked up at Suho and held yourself back from punching him. I’ll wait until he falls asleep tonight and kill him then myself.
“I love you sweetie, I love you so much.”
Fin.
I apologize for leaving this story in the back burner, I didn't realize I didn't save the chapters I wrote on my laptop when I went to Yonsei >
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