GIVING UP

>> Year 2008 (A/N: Dara and Top are officially together) <<

I’ve already decided. I’m going to face Top and do whatever it takes for him to remember me – to remember  ‘us’. Two years have passed and maybe he already forgot about me being that girl he met and had mistaken him for someone else… I’m starting anew. I’ll do whatever I can to be close with him again. I want to be part of his life again. I’ll take it even if it means that I’m going to start all over. I started each day feeling hopeful and a lot more optimistic. I have waited long enough to be back by his side. I can’t wait to see him and be with him.

I’ve made a plan. I knew his workplace and I wanted to try my luck to get a job there. It would be a long shot but it was worth trying. Anything that would make me closer to him was definitely worth it. The next morning, I wore my best corporate attire and held my head high. I sighed deeply as I entered the building. What happened next was definitely not what I wanted to see.

Top! I smiled as I saw his face emerge from the opening doors of the elevator. God, I missed him. He was all smiling as he came out; but my smile instantly faded as I saw him hand in hand with someone else. I stood frozen on the ground and stared at him and then his hands, being intertwined with another. I didn’t bother looking at who’s the girl he’s walking out with. Merely their hands already killed me.

They’ve passed by and their backs are facing me. Top, it’s me, look back! I screamed inside my head. I saw him turn around and look back, he smiled but that smile wasn’t for me. It was for the girl he’s with. He was smiling as he pulled the girl toward him. They were so happy. I could see it in his face. The smile that he once has for me was now directed to another girl. How my heart hurt from seeing that.  

I couldn’t cry anymore. I’ve become numb from all the pain I felt but still, they keep coming and would probably not stop until my heart gets totally crushed. I’ve been crying time and time again and I began to doubt my reasons. I doubted myself if I really could take it – if I really could make it. Am I strong enough to do this? Clearly, he has moved on.

He’s with someone else. I accepted that. I too, wanted to continue living my life away from all the pain and suffering loving him had caused me. A part of me wanted to continue fighting but my mind keeps telling me how it’s a lost cause.

I’ve never thought I’d come to this day. I never thought I’d grow tired from loving him. I’m such a coward. I’m a weakling. I haven’t even tried to fight for him and yet here I am, already giving up.

I’m so tired, TOP. I love you but I’m really tired. I want to be happy. I want to be happy with you but I see now that it’s never going to happen. I could only look at you from afar and love you that way - and I’m tired of it.

I’m sorry I only get to realize this now. I’m