Days slowly crept by. Hana and I stopped talking. It broke my heart, like it had been wrenched out of my chest, leaving a gaping hole.
Believe me, I tried. Oh how hard I tried. But what could I do when everything she said was a sign that she didn't want to be associated with me anymore?

hana, how was your day today? :)

good, thanks. yours?

good! :) so much homework ><

yeah… LOL

Normally, this would start some kind of rant between us as we complained about our teachers and subjects for hours. But not this time. Not today. Not anymore. Slowly, she stopped replying to my texts and messages on facebook.

And with final exams coming up, ones that decided the rest of our lives, I hardly had time to talk to my dad, let alone Hana, who seemed more and more distant at school during classes. After school I spent all day in my room or at the library, and I only left to eat, shower and go to the toilet. I was a mess. The stress of studying and exams was already stressful enough, but Hana killed me.

Although we didn’t talk, I thought about her every day. She was never far from my mind.
How was she? I knew that she pushed herself very hard during exam period – her parents put enormous pressure on her. She didn’t really eat, either, claiming it was a ‘waste of time.’ She slept late and woke up early to study. How was her health? I really hoped she was eating and sleeping properly, but I doubted it. I tried to tell Sunggyu to tell Hanbyul to tell Hana to take care, but even then I wans’t sure if  my message was getting across. If only everything didn’t happen, I could nag her to take care of herself and keep annoying her until she ate and slept properly. How were her studies going, I wondered? She was always so diligent and smart, and I hoped this situation wasn’t affecting her as much as it was me.

What do you do when two people just...stop talking? How was it even possible? When one day, you were closer than two peas in a pod, and the next day, it's like you're two strangers who have never met? It was killing me. Breaking my heart. Could you get sick from the pain in your chest that’s there constantly, but never there physically? If that made sense? It felt like a brick pressing down on my chest, and the pain was so real, but when I looked down, all I saw were my chest muscles.

I was helpless to do anything. It was either to protect Hana, or be selfish and talk to her and put her in danger.
I wasn’t scared of Chaeyeon doing anything physical to her, like bash her up like we guys do, but I was afraid of her sharp words that would hurt Hana more than anything else. I knew that. Girls didn’t fight physically – it was all in their way of words. Insults, comparisons, anything. They were the meanest creatures of all, I had no doubt about that. And Chaeyeon was the queen.

I wasn’t sure why she wanted me to stay by her side. We weren’t really together since my accident, since Hana and I started talking, but yet she still fought for us to be seen together in public and act as a couple. I guess it would be too humiliating for Chaeyeon to admit that I had broken up with her, not the other way around, but seriously, we were almost eighteen this year. She needed to it up and grow up. Who cared about what other people thought about you? I knew it was easier said than done, but I had learnt that the hard way through Hana and how everyone affected her. You just had to learn to become numb and immune to it. If you let every word that every one said affect you, you either had to have a self esteem made of steel or crumble and die.

At school, I saw Hana every day. Every lunchtime. Every class. I just couldn’t talk to her under the watchful eye of Chaeyeon, who somehow had her ways of finding out even if I looked at Hana, enough though she wasn’t in the same classes as we were. I sighed. I was trapped. I was a coward, trapped by a girl who he didn’t even like.

I didn’t know what I would do. You know how sometimes you say that you don’t what you’re going to do, but secretly inside, you know? Like, you have an idea of what you were going to do in the end? Well this time I didn’t. I actually had no idea. Talk to Hana, and risk her happiness, or well and sulk in my own pain.                   
                Graduation was coming up, meaning that everyone was spiltting up to attend different universities. I didn’t know where Hana was going to go, but she always said she wanted to go to Australia for university. If that really happened – oh my God. I wasn’t sure how I was going to live. She wouldn’t even be in the same hemisphere as me. The thought of her being away from me made me feel uneasy and sick inside.

November came faster than I had ever experienced. Over the next two weeks, we sat our exams in the hall under the strictest conditions. Nam Woohyun, Kim Hana. I sat behind her, as we were required to sit alphabetically. Every time I looked up from solving a question, I saw her head ducked down super close to the paper, nose almost touching, and I fought back a chuckle. I always that she needed glasses, but she would always frown and refuse. I couldn’t laugh during the exam, or I would be accused of disruption or communicating with other students, and half my mark would be taken away.

It killed me, sitting less than half a metre away from her, and not being able to say anything or do anything to make the situation right. I know I kept blaming this whole thing Chaeyeon, but deep inside I knew partly it was my fault. If I really liked her, really wanted to fix things, I could have done it. A text, a private conversation. Anything. But I was scared – my own fear and worry was the cause of this. It was hard to admit, but it was true. I sighed.I couldn’t get too distracted during the paper. My maths paper was sitting infront of me, and I needed to get 90+ in my maths exam to gain entry from engineering.

The two weeks of exams passed excruciatingly slowly. Six three hour exams over ten days. At the end of it, I wanted to pass out and die. Nothing made my mood feel better – not sport, not working out, not Sunggyu or the guys, not partying, not drinking, not watching TV. I told myself that it was just the realisation that my high school days were over and nostalgia kicking in, but inside I knew exactly what I needed so I was better. Hana.

And that’s the reason I attended the end of year party for St. Peter’s College. The final formal gatehring of the graduating class of 2012. I hoped she would be there – she had to.