Thursday night. The nights the boys and I would treat as the weekend and go out until 4am and then go to school three hours later. It became tradition to visit one club and drink our faces off until no one could drive home and then hire bikes to ride along Han river until we reached our suburb and then walk. That's what the guys were doing tonight, but I made a lame excuse that I'm sure they all saw through that I had to stay at home to finish my novel for literature, when really I wanted to go spend time with my brother in the hospital. I needed some time alone because lately, the whole Hana situation had been popping up in my mind, and it was all that I could think of. I needed to talk to my brother - even though he wouldn't respond or probably hear me, I needed to verbally sort out my thoughts or I would go insane.

"Good afternoon, Woohyun-sshi," a nurse greeted me. She smiled widely and blinked sweetly a few times. Normally, I would've found that cute -and she was pretty hot - so I would've gone for her. But not today. Not tonight.

"Hi hyung," I said as I plopped my school bag down and sat on the couch. "How are you today?"
I looked around quickly to see if any nurses were around and picked up the clipboard on his bedside table and read the comments.
"I needa talk to you, man," I said solemnly. "I have girl problems. But not normal girl problems that I usually have," I quickly amended. Because I didn't have girl problems with Hana like that. No way.
"I can't stop thinking about her. We used to talk everyday, but now we don't even talk anymore. And it feels weird because she kinda ignores me now. And I ignore her. But I've never actually spoken to her before so it's not really ignoring, but......." I trailed off. I was probably confusing my brother right now. In his coma he was probably looking at me with the weirdest expression.

"It started off in January, the first day of school, we had to partner up with someone in our year anonymously to talk about our problems and stuff." I started explaining to my brother from the very beginning.
"We started talking and turns out that we have a lot in common. We both love 2NE1, like the same foods, movies, authors and music. She's also -" I hesitated. "She's also the only person I've told about you because I only felt comfortable with her because she didn't know who I was." I paused and looked at him. "She really helped me with you, you know. She told me that I shouldn't blame myself and it wasn't my fault. She told me that she knew that you wouldn't like to have seen me beating myself up, so I stopped." I paused.
"I think, hyung, if it wasn't for her, I would still be locked inside my room and not doing anything."
I surprised myself at this realization. It was true. Without Hana's support and wise words, I wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't be the person I was today. But why did it matter? I couldn't accept her because of the way she looked, anyway.
"Hyung, we used to talk everyday. Everyday for the past six months, yet now we don't talk anymore. Because I said a stupid thing to her." I looked up at him. "When it was time to meet out partners, I saw that she was standing there but I didn't believe it was her because she was not pretty, hyung. She was just average looking. And Dongwoo said something stupid and I yelled out 'ew' to her. And now we're not talking anymore. I mean, I don't miss it, but it just feels funny that we don't talk anymore. And I defintely don't miss her."
I paused, in deep thought.
"But I can't stop thinking about her. I see her in school everyday but I can't - I can't bring myself to say anything or talk to her because people will start talking. They'll say, oh why is Nam Woohyun talking to a girl like Kim Hana? She isn't up to his standards? And they'll start bad mouthing and doing things to her because I'm talking to her. And I know she'll be scared because I know she has a weak heart that's affected easily by what other people do. Even if she doesn't show it on her face, I know it really hurts her on the inside, and I don't want that to happen. I'm......protecting her by not talking to her. I'm.....scared, hyung. She's on my mind like 24/7 and I'm scared."
I sniffled.
 "I wish you would wake up and tell me what to do. I feel so lonely without you. When you first got into an accident, I felt so lonely but I had Hana to talk to and now she's not talking to me either, so I have no one. And I can't even apologize to her because I know I have no right to even say sorry to her."

I ran my fingers through my hair frustratedly.
"Ugh! Hyung, help me," I whined. "Wake up! Tell me what to do," I sobbed. I wish you were here to guide me.
I put my head down on his bed next to his arm and closed my eyes. Before I knew it, I had fallen asleep next to my brother.
This Hana stuff was really tiring.