The letter felt heavy in my pocket like a rock but it was only a piece of paper.

Throughout the day, I couldn't really concentrate on anything because my mind kept wandering to what the letter said. Half of me wanted to read it, half of me didn't. What would it say? If I didn't open it and just chucked it in the bin, I would never know. I would have the benefit of the doubt, and I could just ignore this whole Woohyun issue completely and just move on.
But the other part of me was urging to read it. It could be an apology, right? It could be an apology from Woohyun saying that he was sorry for everything that he said. That he wanted to be friends, that we should put aside everything that happened in the past and focus on the positive things. That was a possibility too, right? I sighed and shoved the letter deeper into my pocket. Maybe in another world.

After school, I sat at the bus stop, my hand frozen halfway in my pocket. I had been in deep thought all day, and I couldn't decide whether to open the letter or not. I wasn't sure if I was making a big deal out of nothing. It might even not have been a letter from Woohyun. But the pink envelope, slanted handwriting and red hearts all screamed grease to me, and I somehow I knew it was from him. Greasy valedictorian that hated ugly people.

The bus arrived and I stepped on. I pulled out my iPod and shoved the ear phones in my ears and took a deep breath, trying to distract myself by choosing a song to play. But without thinking, without deliberating, I pulled the letter forcefully out of my pocket and ripped it open, just like that.

Dear Hana,

I'm not really sure to how to say this. I'm not sure how this will sound, or if I can even write down what I'm feeling right now. It probably won't make sense and sound like gibberish. It might even sound greasy, or flawed, or not. I guess I just don't know anything anymore.

Should I start at the beginning?
Before I met you, before the beginning of this year when we were paired up, I was the most badass rebel at St. Peter's college that still had good grades. After school I would study for fifteen minutes and then at night, even on the weekdays, I would hit the clubs with my friends. We would have competitions to see who could get drunk the fastest. We would have competitions to see who could pick up the hottest girl. We would have competitions to see who would get laid the fastest that night. I would drink endlessly and smoke sometimes - anything my friends did, I would too.

I thought I was the coolest person in the world - I felt infinite, youthful and immortal. Nothing could break my stride, and nothing could or would ever stop me. I had the looks, girls, alcohol and the guys. I was set for the rest of my life.
But there was one small thing bugging me. Because I was Nam Woohyun, I couldn't show any signs of weakness. Not at all. And I mean not even complaining during football practice when my muscles were burning. Not showing any emotion when I was upset or sad. Not voicing out any disagreements I had against my father.

Because with my perfect label came high expectations that I couldn't ignore or hide from for one second. They were always there, in every aspect of my life from family and school to my social life. Which is why everything changed when I met you. When we were partnered up anonymously, my heart soared. Were you really a person that I could talk to freely without you knowing who I was? Without you knowing I was Nam Woohyun? I was so excited to tell you everything and get to know you.

And I was right to be excited. We got along like two peas in a pod. We shared the same interests, likes, dislikes, music taste, movie taste and everything. It was like you were the girl version of myself - my best friend who shared everything with me. And when you told me you hated drinking, dancing and clubs, I could only laugh. When we became real life friends after the project, I could take you clubbing and show you how good it was and what you were missing out on. Everything fit perfectly. I could pour myself out to you without worrying about you judging me because of who I am, and you could too. For that, I was always thankful.

Our first real test of friendship came on that day when you felt sad because someone was judging you on your appearance. While I comforted you, I hesitated a little. It was like a battle between the new me and the old me. During our whole time talking online, I knew you were a girl. Usually, the first thing I would notice in a girl would be her looks, yet I had not once thought about how you looked until you brought it up in conversation. I then became hesitant, but only for a little while. If others were uncomfortable about how you looked, then I was sure that I would be too, especially with my narcisstic and shallow personality. And normally, I would turn away. But with you, Hana, it was different. I just - didn't seem to care. Does that even make sense? I was having a constant battle between the new me that I had changed into while getting to know you, and the old self that was locked on drinking, dancing and hot girls. Do you get it now? How sometimes I was the nicest guy in the world, but also the most cruellest dickhead?

I'm not even sure if I'm making sense right now. I'm tired. But your looks were always at the back of my mind, but I never dwelled on it. I mean, I couldn't see you anyway, so why did it matter? The day we meet would still be far away, so I didn't think of it much. It hardly mattered anyway. I was too close to you to care about physical appearances anyway,

But who knew it would come so soon? The day we met - it came so soon that I wasn't even ready. Sure, I was busy being excited with you on chat about all the things we would do once we met up. Visit my brother, eat Japanese, go to a 2NE1 concert. But I guess I didn't prepare myself enough, because the first thing I said to you in person was the most stupid thing I have ever said in my life.

Which leads me to my first apology. Hana, I never meant to say 'ew' to you when I first saw you. Everything you do, everything you say, everything you believe in makes you the most beautiful girl to me in the world. If you don't believe me, then fine. I think a girl is more beautiful when she doesn't know she is beautiful anyway. When she's not flaunting everything that she has for the world to see - that is beautiful. I always knew that you had a terrible way of thinking about yourself, always taking things personally and overanalysing the smallest things, and I felt terrible for capitalising on those things infront of the whole school. I was a rotten person that could do nothing but swear to never do it again. Which leads me to my second apology.

My second apology is about what happened in the cafeteria. Have you ever vomited and noticed that when you vomit, it's hard to stop? That it just keeps.....coming up? Well, it's a safe comparison to make that I had a bad case of word vomit. It just kept coming out.
Hana, I am so deeply forever sorry for everything that I said. I was so consumed and blinded by anger that I didn't know what I was saying. I did not mean one word that came out of my mouth that day. It was stupid, foolish and wrong of me to say those unforgivable things.
I sincerely hope that you will forgive me, but I understand if you don't. Because the things I said were unforgivable. Heck, if I were you, I probably wouldn't even forgive myself.

I just - well, I don't know. I just needed to tell you everything that's been on my shoulders these few weeks because it seems like everytime we talk face to face, all I can say are nasty things that hurt your feelings. But I'm not really like that - no way. Haven't the seven months, 3am late nights we've spoken everyday shown this?

Ah, Hana, I'll be waiting for you. For your forgiveness. Please consider my apologies !

Yours sincerely,
Nam Woohyun.

I reached the end of the letter but didn't move. My heart was thumping loudly in my chest. My hands were sweating. My palms were sweaty. I couldn't move. A million thoughts were running through my mind, but I couldn't register one single thing.

"Miss, we're at the end stop already."
A deep voice broke my thoughts. I looked up and saw the bus driver giving me a weird, sympathetic look.
I stood up quickly.
"Sorry, sir," I bowed.
I got up off the bus with wobbly legs and sat down at the nearest bench.

"Nam Woohyun," I whispered to myself, tears b in my eyes. "Why!?"