Few months ago

Jjangmae's words keep playing in loops in my head.. "You can't be with her. People will notice." Ugh.. I let go of a deep sigh hoping that it'll pacify the anxiety building inside me. I need to get myself together before Chaerin will get back from work.. Ugh, but my inner voice is talking in contradiction. What am I going to do? 

Hey, what are up to?

Chae?

Chae is home early and took me by surprise as I was sitting in the living room looking blankly in front of the  powered off TV. She slipped her hands passing through my neck, hugged me from behind and deposited a kiss to the side of my head. Oh, your home babe. Should I tell her? Ugh, I'm about to lose my mind.  Chae, come sit beside me.. we need to talk. She ought to know everything.

Present

I'm sorry I yelled at you at the gala. I shouldn't have done that.. I spoke out softly as she dipped her snout in my hair, breathing me in dearly. It's been a while since I have felt her this close. But no, I have to stop this. Leaving her was never my intention. But damn, she's so stubborn. It's as if I was given a choice to stay, but no. She's a star.. a celebrity.. her management doesn't want me to stay. My reputation and hers are at stake but I know mine wasn't that important as if it really matters in the industry.. most fashion designers nowadays are gay. But of course, The situation had forced us to be this way. I have to leave.. or more like I was forced to leave. And so, I left.

For five months I suffered a radio silence from her.. and now she's back as if nothing happened. I turned myself around and my eyes met hers but I was more drawn to look at her lips.. Ugh, I missed her so much and I won't deny it.. I want to kiss her and touch her. Despite of the effort of keeping my sight up and on eye level, I still ended up staring at her lips.. Damn, I hate this feeling. My heart's racing, as my breath were uneven but then, the dread of the past lurked in and took over me. 

What made you changed your mind? I thought you're.. I wasn't able to complete my line. But, actually, I couldn't put the blame on her for what happened between us. It was out of our hands. Part of it was my fault though because I left.. but I think it's for the best. You're right Dara.. we should've explored all the possibilities for us to be together and I'm sorry. Chaerin murmured while cupping my face with her hands.

Now, look at me, she added. I felt her body trembled then she drops her head on my shoulder and sobs relentlessly. She's stressing more on her apologies as her tears were flowing freely soaking my dress wet. I want to wipe her tears dry but..

Dara.. I wanna come out.. I'm tired of hiding.. I wanna hold your hands in public.. Put my arms around your waist.. And kiss you wherever and whenever I want to. Is that too much to ask for?  

Yes, why is she even asking me this? Chae looked at me in the eye with her gently curved brows seeking for a validation. I'm sorry Chae.. but we can't.. Well, I can't..  and we're done talking about this ages ago.. I can't go through to the same process all over again. I struggled and motioned myself to leave but her hand slid through my waist and pulled me in closer in a tight hug.

Please don't go.. Why is she so stubborn about this? It will definitely cost her career. She's crazy. Don't leave me again.

Few months ago

NO! My answer is No.. I already told Jjangmae about this. It's bullcrap. Chaerin responded negatively after I relayed  the message to her. She stood up and went straight to her home studio then locked herself in. Chae baby, we need to get this over with. I keep knocking on the door waiting for a reply but none came. She was giving me her silent treatment again and much worse it lasted for days. It's really killing me.

Dara please wake up. I missed you. We can't go on like this. Chaerin woke me up in bed and it's still two o'clock in the morning. It must've taken a toll on her. I knew since day one that we could never have normal couple relationship.. what more in our marriage life. Chae, I don't want the idea either.. but it's just that.. we can't be together. I was painfully reminded of my decision back then when I decided to fight for her no matter what happened. But it seemed like we're in a dead end. We can't continue this anymore.. there just too much at stake.

You're giving up on me? On us? Is that it? I'm already expecting this kind of reaction from her. How can I make her understand? Then, we won't.. she just stopped in the middle.. Leave.. if you want to.. the hell I care. Chaerin responded in a bad way and storm out on me. 

I didn't mean it like that Chae, I was hoping that we can come up with a resolution. I'm not even sure if she heard that as she walked out and left me alone in my room unsettled.  

Present

It will destroy us both and you know that.. we're public figures Chae. I mumbled. No matter how hard we love each other, if the world we're living in doesn't accept and respect this kind of idea, then.. Am I not worth fighting for, Dara? Oh this girl. Nothing is simple as black and white Chae. Why would she even ask me this. Did you really have given up on me? But, I've given up so much for her already.

No, Chae.. I love you so much.. no one could ever replace you in my heart. I want us to be together but not the way that you wanted it to. If only she'd listen to me few months ago..  We can fix this.. like we can have an arrangement.. you can come and visit me once in a while.. and I'll do my best to sneak out of the country and visit you without people noticing it. Its quite unusual hearing myself out but this is best set up I can come up with. At last, we can finally agree on something. Huh? Chae responded. But then, my phone rang.. I fished it out of my clutch bag and.. Bommie? I looked at Chae but she seemed to be avoiding my stare. 

Hello Bom.. I know you're the mastermind behind the auction.. I can't believe you're my friend.. Since when are you colluding with her?  And who's side are you on? 

Hey baby.. Chaerin was trying to distract me but..  Ssshh.. shut up.. this is between Bom and me.. I cut her off while I was having a hard time hearing Bommie on the phone.

SHE DID WHAT??? 

What in the world? I threw a very sharp glare to the woman standing in front of me. And all I thought everything is officially over. I face palm myself.. What were you thinking Chae? I felt my breathing was cut short as my chest  tightens and palpitations sets in after hearing Bom's news. Dara are you alright? I don't know how to respond. But what Bom said was mind blowing. Before Chaerin left the gala, she did a press release and now.. everything is out in the open. 

Oh so Bommie did.. ugh.. But I just can't keep living this way.. I'm so fed up Dara and I'm tired of hiding and listening to people telling us what to do and how to live our lives. I mean, no one will really understand us if none of us will talk and start the change that we wanted to see. I believe we're not the only one in Korea.. there so many of us.. and just like us they're hiding because they're afraid.. I'm doing all of this because I wanted to be with you and I am not ashamed of the choices I made. I know this is crazy but by being true to myself.. is the only way I can genuinely live with myself. This is not the end of us Dara.  We can make it. We're in this together, right?

This is the what I've been dreading about. The very same thing that I keep asking myself. Can we really make it? But she's right about one thing though.. Til when are we going to live in shadows? Can I even live for myself if I'll keep hiding forever. But I'm afraid Chae.. so afraid. People will never understand us.

We don't need anything in our secret world. So what if they know about us. We're different but not wrong. Chae is tough and unlike me, she seemed to be so sure with her conviction. Darong, are you with me? 

I really don't know what to say. I need some time to think things through.. what more can I do? but when I looked into her eyes filled with overwhelming positivity.. I held her hand tight then filled my lungs with air as I closed my eyes and released it in one go.

Yes, I'm with you Chae.. all the way. 

Life ahead of us is uncertain. I simply don't know what's in store for us after this. But she's right in every level.. it's just a matter of how long and how far can we keep this up.

- THE END -  

A/N: I know most of you will noticed that I just quoted CL's line from one of their song lyrics. Well, this is the end. And I hope you have enjoyed reading this story.  Thanks for all the love and support you have shared with me over time.  Hope to see y'all on my next fan fic.  ^_^