She was staying still, all the thought rushed into her mind. Was she dreaming? Was she having illusions? Or had she gone crazy? She wanted to open her eyes but she didn’t dare to. All that she knew, she was afraid of something she wasn’t sure either. Was she afraid it was real or instead it wasn’t? She couldn’t tell.

A moment of silence had passed them again yet her heartbeat was still beating in the same way during their kiss. It was so loud she afraid he could hear, and another whisper from him made it even worse. He had called her longingly, saying ‘Hamster-ya’ with breath fanning her face since both hadn’t move an inch from their current position―forehead to forehead. It sounded sweet on her ears, butterfly spread inside her stomach, and it reminded her of the feeling she used to get back then every time Kyujong did something sweet.

Something hard hit her conscious. Was she probably had fallen for Youngsaeng?

No! No way! It’s ridiculous.

Her ego had shouted. She thought it was impossible, because falling for him was never been in her plans so she would never believe that kind of thought. However her unconscious had said something else that made her waver, if she didn’t, then why did her heart went thump thump all the way?

She started to think again, trying to find a logic reason for she could deny it. She couldn’t fall for him. He was kind, he was all that gentlemen when it came to her but she just thought she shouldn’t have feelings more than a friend or brother-like. Ask her the reason why, she wouldn’t be able to tell more than ‘my mind says so’.

To avoid another debate and confusion on her mind, she did the first thing she could made think on that kind of situation. Laughing. She intended to make it a loud one, but her strength had gone away that a weak and awkward one came out instead.

“You must be playing your jokes again on me, right?” She asked, her voice couldn’t be more than a whisper. His forehead moved several times on hers, left to right.

“No?” She asked again, strangely wasn’t surprised at all. To tell the truth, there’s this slight corner inside her that wished for him to shake his head though. But she just wouldn’t admit it.

“Oh c’mon, I know this is your kind of personal pleasure every time you tease me, but please stop playing around. I know you will be laughing in any moment.”

He finally backed away, pulling his self from hers, his hand that was cupping her cheek before had moved to her palm.

“Open your eyes.” He instructed. She followed. It took a while until she could fix her gaze on him, because blur and sparks filled her vision when she opened her eyes, the effect of closing her eyes tight for a long time. She didn’t know where the courage came from, but she looked directly into his eyes the same way as he did.

“Please listen to what I will be saying.” He said, hand grasping her hand in a firm lock. “Han Seungyeon, I love you.”

Her eyes shut opened really wide, mouth gaped in a perfect ‘o’ shape. If it shocked her hearing his question earlier, this confession flabbergasted her even more. She felt her heartbeat stopped at a moment then beat really wild it seemed like it wanted to jump out of its place.

She tried to voice out something, but nothing could be heard from it, only that was moving rapidly. As the result, a loud and harsh ‘you can’t!’ came out, surprising her own self and stabbing him in the heart.

He had prepared for the worst, the kind of reaction where she would freak out, yelling on him, telling him to go away, saying she didn’t even want to see him again and everything. This response he got, obviously, was better than what he thought, but he still couldn’t help but to feel the pain. He swallowed it down though, before asking her the reason why.

“Why?” He asked, but regretted it as soon as he realized something. Taking off his hand from her, he turned and now sitting properly facing the front view of the car. It was really dark outside.

“Ah, stupid me. Of course I can’t. You still have your heart and world at him, right?” He chuckled, fake one.

“I-it’s not like that.” She opposed with stutter. Probably she had lost all the controls she had over her self, mind saying A, heart saying B, mouth saying C. Her conception of everything was just as blank as a white paper; she couldn’t understand any single of them in the moment. But she was sure of feeling one thing, guilty.

“It’s not about my condition, but you.” She started, telling him the reason she thought of. “You’ve been a really good friend of mine for the past months. You are like a guy bestfriend I have never had.” She paused, and reached out to his left hand, bringing it inside her smaller palm.

“Despite the fact that we just knew each other, you always help me a lot, protect me, taking care of me. That’s why, I don’t deserve this kind of feeling of yours. You shouldn’t be with a girl who only capable of giving you endless troubles. You deserve someone bet-”

“But I don’t want-”

“Otter-nim! Please. I’m afraid that you misinterpret pity with love.”

She was surprised by her own words but she looked at him with a pleading-hurting look, because far away inside, it indeed hurt when she said those words herself. She was afraid if his words grew out some hope inside her, that she really came to the conclusion of falling for him but later he recognize that he just pitied her.

He took a heavy breath.

“No, Seungyeon-ah. I know myself too well. This is the first time I have this kind of feeling and I’m sure this is genuine. Maybe it did start as a pity back then, at the beginning, but it’s different now. I love you. I really do.

You told me a while ago that you want to start a new chapter of your life. I just hope you will do it with me by your side. I won’t ask or force you to have the same feeling as mine though I do, as delusional as it can sound, wish that you will gradually start to see me more than a good friend someday. But, I know it will take a lot of times and efforts. But, I can wait forever for it.”

She was speechless. As much as she didn’t want to be affected, a single tear ran down on her cheek eventually. She was all sincere when she told him he deserved someone better than her. She could feel that he was all sincere too with what he just said, and hurting. The only thing she could do was bowing low and asking for forgiveness. She had hurt him real bad, her sense was aware of it.

“Please don’t say it. It hurts even more, you know, hearing you saying sorry.” His thumb and index finger worked bringing her chin up to look at him. He smiled weakly at her. “As long as you don’t kick me out of your life, I will be fine. Can you promise me that one thing?”

She nodded.

When another lonely tear fell down from her eyes, he wiped it. He squeezed her cheeks with his both hands for the last time before taking his hands off of her.

“Now, please stop crying. My hamster-fiancée should not be crying after her engagement party. People would think that your parents forced you to be tied to an old-ugly-rich man.”

She chuckled silently at his jokes. Smiling, she mumbled a ‘thank you’ and ‘sorry’ once more.

“Let’s get you back home.”

*****

It was hard for her to sleep that night. The clock on the wall showed 2 am in the morning, yet she hadn’t closed her eyes for a good rest. Her energy had drained so much from the preparation of her engagement since early morning, and then things happened making her all dead beat. But Youngsaeng, the thought of him, keeping her awake.

Her mind drifted back and forth from one to another thing. It was all about him. She remembered on how they first met, all cold and unfriendly Youngsaeng, the accident on the mall, on how Jiyoung had mistaken them as a couple and led them to where they stood at the moment. She couldn’t help but smiled upon it, heart all warm. Sometimes, fate was just something funny and out of expectation.

Never once in her life she imagined being stuck in that kind of situation. The old Seungyeon was all about Kyujong. She used to dream about love confession, dating, being held in a guy arms, having her first kiss, engagement, and marriage. None of those dreams which didn’t have Kyujong in them. But the reality was different; she got more than half of it from Youngsaeng instead―a person she never assumed to appear on her life.

The memory of earlier flashed back to her again. The feels of his lips on hers, his breath, his whisper, how his hands gripped hers firmly, and his surprising confession. She should’ve be the happiest lady in earth right now, if just she was sure she had the same feelings. In her eyes at the moment, he was just a very good friend who she shouldn’t be falling for, though she didn’t know the reason why she restrained herself from falling in love with him.

Too many things suffocating her mind she felt like it was hard to breath. She decided that she needed some fresh air and got up from the bed, walking out toward the backyard of her house. She had grabbed her cardigan before and wore it at the top of her pajamas in the middle of stepping down the staircase. When she reached the place, she let her feet slipped out of the sandals.

She shivered a little bit as her feet made the first contact with the grass. It was moist with the night dew. She went walking randomly from spot to spot, hugging her self when the memories of Youngsaeng kept coming to her mind. She recalled they once sat down on the wooden swings, linked hands, teasing each other.

Just then, her ears caught a cough from behind. Jolted a little in her place, she turned around and found an old man with a sleeping robe standing a few feet away.

“Abeonim.” She said, giving a small bow.

It had been less awkward for them after years and she somehow had growth fond of him. But it was her habit since the beginning to bow a little whenever they saw each other.

“You’re still doing that.” He smiled, approaching her. “Will you ever stop?” He commented, her habit that was hard to lose.

“I’m sorry.”

They ended up doing a small tour in their backyard, talking about common things. He asked her about her study, telling her to finish it fast so she could help on the company. She asked about his work and health, condition, politely telling him to get a good rest. They talked about the mother and Gyuri, the weather, the flowers and plants Gyuri planted on their backyard, also economical things. Until they stopped in a point and decided to sit on the iron bench of their terrace, he surprised her with a question.

“Child, please forgive this sassy old-man, but is there any problem?”

Seungyeon tilted her head in confusion at first for she really didn’t get the question of him.

“Problem?” She asked back.

He smiled again before giving her answer. “We’ve been talking a lot for the past minutes, but I can see that you were not focus. What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

She got surprised and started to think whether she was just too obvious or he was just too good at reading her. As much as she wanted to deny it and tell him she was okay, she didn’t do it though. Maybe, she just needed to admit that she was having problem to lift some weight that burdening her heart.

“Ne, Abeoji. You can say so.”

There was a brief silence passed them until he asked her another thing.

“Excuse this old man again, but does it has something going on with Heo Youngsaeng?”

“H-how do you know?” Her eyes grew wider as she was taken aback by how well he could read her mind or probably just predicted it. She was curious that without noticing much, she already said it, giving him an indirect confirmation. The old man before her eyes took a sigh.

“I planned to stand still and pretend like I know nothing, but to tell you the truth, my dear daughter, I have acknowledge everything since a while ago.”

It hit her really hard. There was only one thing she could think of at that time, but she played dumb, trying to take the last chance to clear the track.

“Acknowledge? What do you mean by that, Abeoji?”

“Your relationship with Youngsaeng, or should I say, the game you two are playing?”

She had no doubt then, in a terrible way. Her hands immediately went hugging her own body tighter as she digested the mixed feelings. Speechless, worry, shame, and more than anything guilty for the stupid lies she thought the family wasn’t aware of. She then remembered her mother.

“What about omma?” She asked, eyes glued to the ground after her feet.

“She doesn’t know.” He answered.

A moment of silence passed them by. She felt awkward. The old man felt relaxed.

“Why?”

“What?”

“The reason for not telling mom.”

Mr. Park turned his head right, looking at her while she kept her gaze forward. Avoiding.

“Because she was happy. She is just incredibly happy.”

Seungyeon nodded twice, keeping her gaze anywhere else because she was sure the guilt would strike harder if she looked at the father. But the next words he said destroyed every effort she made.

“Also, because you look more alive with him.”

She froze. Wide eyed, and she started thinking about him again.

What’s with this all?

The flash memory and picture of Gyuri’s bedroom came to her mind. The sisterly conversation they had days ago. She had said the same thing as their father.

“Seungyeonnie, you look more alive with him. To tell you the truth, I somehow hope this relationship of yours is not merely an act. Unnie likes him, because he takes a really good care of you.”

She had shouted at the beloved sister of her back then, telling her not talking nonsense, that they were only a good friend to each other. But it was before she knew his feeling for her. The confession messed her system up. Was it all true, the things people said? Did she really have that impression when he was around? She admitted that he always made her happy. She could say that he grasped a great handle of her. His understanding of her was just implausibly great for someone who just knew her less then a year.

Then, should I just…

“It’s already really late. You better go to sleep. Don’t stay out too long.”

Her father cut off her trailed mind. She turned to look at him who already stood up to make his leave.

“Ne, Abeoji. Have a good rest.”

He smiled and patted her head, uttering words of thank you. And he said something that beat her even more before he left for real.

“Seungyeon-ah, I really hope he won’t be the broken hearted one in the end. Don’t hurt him too deep, please, if you can.”

Her heart twitched.

*****

It was hard to bring herself to school on Monday. She basically dragged herself from the bed and prepared herself in really maddening slow movements for the morning class. The effect and tiredness from the last night event, and didn’t forget to add the lack sleep she got those days, especially after his confession also conversation she had with her father.

Since she didn’t invite the college friends to the engagement party, she never thought that the news would spread that fast. Couple of friends when she reached, some giving congratulations, some protested because they didn’t get invitation, while some others were just indifferent. She smiled, saying ‘thank you’ and ‘I’m sorry’ all the day long. When the class ended in the afternoon, she made a quick escape after leaving a short notice to Nicole. The air outside the building felt so freshen as she took a deep-long breath.

Unconsciously, she checked her cell phone as walking down the front stone stairs. It was a habit because Youngsaeng would always send her a message telling that he was already waiting in the parking lot. But it showed nothing today, other than a plain wallpaper of her cell phone. She, again, took a deep breath. Frowning, he hadn’t contact her for the whole day.

Is he trying to avoid me? Otter-nim, did I probably hurt you?

She felt empty.

A calling male-voice came up to her when she walked to the bus stop direction, contemplating whether should she try making contact to Youngsaeng first or not. She wasn’t focus of her surroundings that she didn’t recognize the so familiar voice. It was when she turned after looking around her, she found it out.

Kim Kyujong.

She went back to walking, not having any intention to wait for him who was running behind her. But he was fast. Just in time, he had grasped her left elbow, making her stop in track.

“What now? What the heck are you doing now, showing up upon my face again?”

She spurted impatiently. She had enough trouble in her mind right now without having to think about the jerk, Kim Kyujong. She shook his hand off.

On the other side, Kyujong sighed, wondering on how everything became like this. If just he was not that coward back then, she wouldn’t hate him that much.

“Seungyeonnie, let’s have a talk, please? Can you listen to me first, please?”

Was she being thaw by his plead, she didn’t know though agreed to be brought by him to a wooden bench on the sidewalk. He proposed an idea of talking at a nearer café, but she refused and told him she would only give five minutes. He could see she was determined not to change her thought, so he had no other choice.

“How are you?” He asked, platitude. Adding the fire to her tired, restless and lacking of sleep self. She got more impatient.

“Just cut the crap off, Kyujong-ssi.”

“Kyujong-ssi…you feel so far away whenever I hear you call me that way.”

“You were the one who asked me.”

“Can’t you call me ‘oppa’ just like how it used to be?”

He sounded so miserable but she didn’t care.

“How it used to be? How was it actually back then? I can’t even remember a good thing about this thing so called how-it-used-to-be.” She talked in a really sarcastic way and tone. How dare he ask her that after everything that happened between them?

Kyujong stared at her, hurt. He knew it was his entire fault but it was still painful to hear words like that from her. He took a breath, decided to just get straight into the point.

“Seungyeonnie, leave him. I know you. You don’t love him. I’m right, yes?”

It earned him an immediate glare from her.

“’I know you’? ‘I know you’, you said? Did I just hear it wrong or you really have no sense at all? What do you think you know about me? You know nothing!

And then, what’s that nonsense you’re telling me? Leaving him? Get your mind straight!”

She had to grip the line of her bag strap to hold on her anger. She felt she could explode there. He was so sassy telling her that after all this time. After all the pain he caused her.

“I’m serious Seungyeonnie. Leave him!”

But the hatred she showed for him had finally made him getting impatient too. He wouldn’t take any possibility of losing her. He thought he could die if it happened.

“Leave him or I don’t know what will happen to him!”

If Seungyeon was angry a while ago, she was way beyond angry now. “Are you threatening me, right now?” She had stood up from her place, staring at him in disbelief, disappointment, and hatred that her eyes looked like it would popped out of its place. Her hands were trembling from the intensity of emotion she felt. If they weren’t in the public place, she probably had slapped him in the face.

“You-I really can’t understand you anymore. You’re way impossible. What have I done to you in the past that you want to ruin my life so badly?! You-jerk! I’m not afraid of you. If you dare doing anything bad to him-Oh God! I don’t even understand now how could I loved you so much back then?!”

She felt like hurting him physically, maybe simply threw something hard at him, but then decided to just go right away from that place. But he grabbed her before she could make any move and pulled her into a tight hug.

“You said you love me. You just said you love me. I know it Seungyeonnie. I know it. You have the same feeling as I do.”

She tried to pull away but he hugged her so tight she felt it was hard to breath. He talked to her in a really happy tone. She was flabbergasted.

What is he talking about?

When he let go of their hug, he gripped her shoulders and looked right into her confused eyes.

“I love you. I’ve loved since the first time we met. I love you, Seungyeonnie.”

Her eyes went wide. She tried to think. She tried to analyze. She tried to feel. And she realized one thing….

********************************************************************************************************

Author's note:

Pheww. Finally! It's late at night here and I should've spending time working on the paper for Monday but I'm working on my fic instead. Aigoo. I just hope I won't be much proscratinator and there will be no things come up today so I can finish it later this night.

Okay, enough with my nagging and complain. So, this is the update! Jjajjan! I'm really sorry for the late update (as always). Our story is getting nearer to the end. and I left this chapter  hanging. oh yes, you guys can kill me on your mind lol

This chapter took much emotion from me when I wrote it. I cried when I wrote the first part, and got angry for real when I read Seungyeon and Kyujong's part. Ah, crazy. I want to convey Youngsaeng'e emotion in a better way, but I stuck up, as usual.

Well, enjoy the update. Don't forget to leave me comments. Thank you so much. Have a great weekend (: