"He have amnesia. And I suspect he has depression. He is suicidal and the only thing he could remember is that he wanted to die. I'll refer his case to a psychologist as well."

The doctor had left him with quite a heavy burden. He sat down on the chair next to Mir's bed. He saw the white bandages covering Mir's skin, wherever the skin was split and grazed which was pretty much everywhere. Even on his pale face.

"So... You really remember nothing?" He whispered, eyes on the sleeping Mir.

At that very moment, those empty brown eyes blinked open. "I remember..." Mir croaked out. "I remember a girl. So beautiful that I feel such a waste to blink my eye when she was in front of me. So lovely and gentle making me feel like I was floating and lying in the middle of cloud. Who is she?"

The guy with sharp eyes blinked. He talked. Mir actually talked. And a lot at that. But his words... A girl? Who? Must be his lover based on the soft look on Mir's eyes even when those orbs looked empty like a blackhole.

"Why do I want to die?" Mir's question made the other boy frowned. How could he know? It was Mir who wanted to die. He should know it himself. Unless all those notes, all those pictures had actually get to Mir's soul. Letting Mir's light of life dimming bit by bit until what was left was nothing. Except death. "Why do you want me to die?"

That last question however, sent rush of emotion into the other boy's being. He lowered his head down in shame. "I-I..." He couldn't bring himself to finish his sentence. Not because he didn't know the answer but because he was shame of the answer. Money. He did it for money. He thought it would be easy to kill a life. To torture a soul. But it wasn't. It wasn't as easy as he imagined.

Seeing how he wasn't getting any answer, Mir closed back his eyes. Yet those questions didn't stop him from his lone will. He still wanted to die. That will was the only thing he remembered. He was an empty shell without that lone will. Without memories. So, he clung on it. He clung on his death will. He wanted to die.

"You..." Mir opened back his eyes at that voice. The boy's slanted eyes were looking sharply on Mir. There was curiosity there in those dark orbs. "Are you still going to kill yourself?"

Mir looked up to the white ceiling of the hospital room. He put his hand over his chest. That will was still there. To die. And it almost became desperation.

"I know I'm not the right person to say this." As the boy started again, Mir had his eyes fixed on him. "But since you have no memories yet so keen to die, I want to give you another option."

Curious on what the other was trying to convey, Mir's head slightly lifted up. His brows rose high.

"I want you to promise me." He took Mir's hand into a handshake. He knew Mir must be the kind of person who won't back off from his promise. He gripped tighter on Mir's bandaged hand. "Promise me you won't kill yourself until you regain back your memories. Ani... Just until you remember again the reason on why you want to die so bad."

"Why?" Was all Mir could ask.

"Do you really want to die without even remembering the reason? That's cowardice." There was hint of challenging in the boy's tone. "Would you promise me? Or would you just stay as coward and die as coward?"

Mir swallowed. What was this? What was this boy trying to do to him, making him promise such things. Was reason that important in the face of death. The will was there. Should he find the reason as well? Wasn't it enough with just the will. Mir looked up when he felt the grip on his hand tightened a bit. "Why?" He repeated his question.

"Because I'm giving you the reason to live so that if you still want to die, remember again the reason why you want to die."

"I know the reason. Because I'm a trash." Mir stated as if it was the most obvious thing to him.

"Ani." The boy shook his head. "That's only your guess. Before you lost your memories. You must have a reason. True reason. I want you to remember that reason not the new one you're creating with your empty mind."

This boy is weird. Yes. Weird. Yet, he felt the words slowly seeping into his skin. Mir returned the grip on his hand. "I promise." And now, he had to find back his memories. Until then, he had to stay alive.

@@@@@

Eunah sniffed a little. She couldn't breath through her nose. It was clogged and red. She never thought she has such an endless supply of tears until now. Until Mir was taken away from her and she was alone. Alone in this room where Mir used to sleep. Alone in this strangely quiet apartment. The silence acted like claws. Digging into her skin and flesh and bones...

Letting herself fall unto the bed, she tried to smell any left scent of Mir to at least comforted her but she couldn't. All this crying made her lost her sense of smell temporarily. 

A ring of phone shock her slightly. It might be Seungho. Or GO. She didn't tell them when she got out of the hospital. They must have been worried. But she stopped. She stopped and held her breath. That wasn't her phone. Her phone screen was black and quiet. That wasn't her phone.

Searching through for the sound, she found it under the pillow with chain around it. Removing the silver chain from around the screaming device, she realized it was a necklace. A necklace with an oval pendant. Her attention was back to the phone. An unknown number. Before she could answer, the call was dead. And a couple of minutes later, a new text came in.

Unknown :

If you find this, Bang Cheolyong is at ______ hospital. He's safe

J

Eunah's heart jumped when her brain finally processed the words her eyes were reading through. His baby brother. Mir... Was safe. But, then later, she found the thread of texts from the same unknown number. Still with that signature letter of J at the end corner of each text. She read through the texts and felt her breath quickened. Bitter taste of bile rose up in . Mir was protecting her all this time and this was the source of Mir's changes. Somehow. Some part of her was blaming herself for being needed to be protected by her brother. Some part of her was blaming Mir for trying to play hero. But she knew. She knew well that if this happened to her, then she would have done exactly the same.

But knowing that didn't chase away the guilt. The anger. The frustration. The suffocating emotion. She clenched her fist into a ball tightly and winced when she felt something pricking her palm. The chain. The necklace.

Bringing up the silver neclace into the light, her brows pulled together. She was curious seeing the hinges of the pendant slightly loose. Peeling open the pendant, two pictures greeted her eyes. One of them was too familiar that her heart hurt... A girl with brown long wavy hair, eyes round and cat-like, smile as beautiful that flowers hid in shame, teeth aligned and perfect, making the smile on her face all more beautiful. Jiyeon...

@@@@@

6 years ago...

A ring of bell called Eunah to raise her head from her warm latte. She waved up her hand when she saw the one she was waiting for. Eunah had this strict mask on her face. He wanted to had the upper hand first. Became strict and showed the one walking up to her right now how much she was angry. But she faltered. She faltered when as that person walked closer, she saw the bags under her eyes. She saw her used to be cherry red lips chapped and pale. Her used to be rosy smooth cheeks sunken and pale, almost yellow.

"Unni..." The girl greeted Eunah with uncharacteristically weak and tired voice as she took her seat in front of Eunah, being separated only by the table in the cafe.

Eunah took off her invisible mask. She was concerned about Jiyeon. As much as she was concerned about her depressing little brother. "What happened?" Eunah's voice was soft just like the moment she was talking to her little brother. Jiyeon didn't answer though. "Why are you breaking up with Cheolyong?" Eunah got straight into the business. She wasn't one to twist her words.

"I..." Jiyeon wiped away her tears even before the clear pearl streak down her cheeks. "I can't handle it anymore. Cheolyong has changed." She wept.

Eunah frowned. What kind of miserable misunderstanding was this? "He didn't change. He never change. Even now, he is crying for the breakup."

"He does unni. He doesn't have time for me anymore. When we talked on the phone, he didn't sound like himself. He is full of anger. Of negativity. This isn't the Cheolyong that I knew." Jiyeon kept talking in fast motion while shaking her head.

"You have to understand. He is having a hard time right now. Didn't you promise to wait for him patiently?" Eunah reminded.

Jiyeon didn't nod. She didn't deny. "He changed." She kept repeating. "I miss my old Cheolyongie."

Eunah exhaled a harsh breath. "Did you look at yourself? Clearly breaking up with him taking a toll on you. And believe it or not, Cheolyong is looking just like you right now!" Her voice raised an octave but her expression softened seeing Jiyeon flinched. She took her hand which were clasped together on the table. Her voice softened again. "Don't do this to yourself. To him. You two need each other."

"I have to, unnie. This whole year, there hasn't a day when I didn't cry over him. Over his changes. I have had enough unnie. And he didn't even say anything when I ask for a break up!" Jiyeon snapped.

"Of course he won't say anything! You know he never say no to you. You ask for this! What do you expect him to do? Beg? Cry a river? Mourn? Now, let me think. He has done all that! But you!" Eunah pointed a finger in front of Jiyeon's face. "You turn blind eyes on him. Turn deaf ears on him. Yes, he hide his misery but you would be stupid not to realize how this affected him. You of all people should know him better." Eunah panted. She inhaled deeply. "Don't do this. You'll kill him and you'll kill yourself by killing what is in between you two." She tried for the last time.

Jiyeon looked away stubbornly, as if nothing could waver her decision. And indeed, there was nothing could change what she had decided with much hardship.

Disappointed, Eunah took her handbag and stood up to leave. She paused a few steps after to leave a cutting remark on Jiyeon. "You're the only girl I approve for Cheolyong because he was really happy when he's with you and I thought you are different. But, clearly I'm wrong." And she left.

I guess I always have same problem for almost every fic I write. But, really. My emotion just unstable (not crazy tho). I just want to remind you, readers, I can't promise to finish. I can't promise it will turn dencent either

*ps : still trying