Mir rubbed his tired eyes. He was losing sleep these days. Not that he was busy with work or anything along that line. Sometimes even when he was lying alone in his dark quiet room, his eyes just won't rest and he found himself kept staring on the ceiling of his room until dim of stray morning light shone through the windows, breaking into several rays as it passed through the curtain. He tried. He tried so hard to sleep that he now, just gave up. Giving up on trying. Another thing in his life that he gave up. Maybe one day he would even give up on his own self. Give up on life.

And today, as he sighed heavily into his hands, once again, he couldn't sleep last night. He heard sounds of footsteps around the hallway. Massaging his nape a bit, Mir dragged his feet until he was out in the living room, watching Seungho, cladded in leather jacket and jeans, busying around the space.

"Hyung? Where are you going?" Mir asked carefully.

Seungho paused a bit before he stroded around the space, looking for something obviously. "I'm going to the company. Kyungho hyung called me just now."

Mir frowned. "Why?"

Seungho opened his mouth and about to answer the maknae when GO appeared in the living room, holding up his brown wallet while exclaiming, "Found it!"

Grabbing his wallet, he stopped to stare at Mir, causing the frown on Mir's face to deepened. Seungho hesitated a bit. Right at this moment, he couldn't possibly explain the whole situation properly to the maknae, so he turned towards his friend. His eyes said everything. Asking for reassurant that if GO could handle this in his stead. GO sighed lightly and nodded.

Mir could only watched in confusion as Seungho smiled sadly at him and ruffled his bedhair affectionately before the oldest went on his way, leaving him and GO alone in the living room. Mir looked back to GO, eyes filled with question.

As their eyes locks, Mir couldn't help but felt how his chest tightened when he saw the same smile on GO's lips. A sad and tired smile as on Seungho.

Not that he never saw it before. Of course he had seen those smiles for a few times since Joon and Sanghyun conveyed their plan on not extending the contract with Jtune as MBLAQ. He saw the look of worries on Seungho's and GO's face. He watched quietly from the side as four of the older members sometimes engaged in heated discussion over this topic but he never interfered.

No. It wasn't like he had not even a bit of emotion over this matter. Over Joon and Sanghyun departure. It was just that... He had something that kept him distracted. That secret that he was still carefully keeping from Seungho and GO. 

GO walked past Mir and sat on the long couch in the living room. He patted the space beside him and Mir went automatically to sit beside the older. Mir's wide confused eyes never left GO.

GO's index finger played with his bottom lip. A gesture Mir had known over years living with GO. The older was thinking. Deeply thinking. And troubled if he was about to add. Concerned, Mir slipped his hand into GO's, getting the older's distant eyes back on him. When their eyes locked, again, that sad smile was tugging on GO's lips. Mir's inside was screaming and demanding for answer. He wanted GO to just stop smiling if he didn't feel like it. Just stop smiling like that. Cry if he needed to. But, Mir could never say them outloud. That little secret of him had made him these way. He wasn't able to express himself like he always did in the pass. He lost that ability. Losing himself slowly over the time.

Mir felt how GO's hold on his hand tightened a bit and he focused himself on GO, well, he had been focusing on the older since even before.

"Cheolyong. You see..." GO inhaled deeply. "About Changsun and Sanghyun..." GO paused as he hesitated.

Mir tilted his head a bit. "Is this about them leaving?" Mir asked and GO nodded. "Are they leaving already?" Mir watched as GO stiffened a bit before he finally gave a micronod.

GO released his hold on Mir's hand and took out his phone. He fumbled with the gadget before he handed it to Mir, watching the younger's features carefully. But as Mir's wide soft brown orbs scanned the content of the article, there wasn't any obvious changes on his face. Mir seemed unfazed. Mir seemed unaffected.

"So..." Mir started again. "It finally came down to this." He commented monotonously while reading about the official announcement of Joon and Sanghyun departure from MBLAQ.

It slightly bothered GO on how casual and lightly Mir was acting while taking in this news. Mir wasn't even half concerned of the issue as he or Seungho was. He easily shoved those feelings away. "You're okay with that?" 

Mir inhaled. He had to admit, he was a bit hurt knowing it through this way. But... Mir's grip on the gadget in his hand slightly tightened. "I'm okay." He whispered and GO didn't pushed further.

@@@@@

"Just go." Seungho breathed out. His voice was of defeat. His eyes looked disappointed but he never looked up to properly meet the other two pair of eyes. The same goes to GO as the other stayed quiet on the side.

"Hyung. Are you really going to keep acting this way?" Joon asked. Slight hint of annoyance in his tone as he ruffled his own raven hair.

The four of them had been enganged in yet once again heated conversation and Seungho didn't really see the need to continue this. He was tired and the issue was already over. It was over once Joon and Sanghyun decided to break the news through the media. Using their lawyers. Without warning them. True, they had discussed about this end of contract matter for a long time. But, breaking the news out of blue like this had managed to hurt them in a way.

"He said it didn't he?" GO suddenly voiced out after a long silence making Sanghyun who was trying to contain his tears, flinched at GO's harsh tone. "Just go." He repeated, this time his voice sounded weak. GO closed his eyes, either unwilling to look at the other two or trying to stop himself from shedding even a drop of tear... Only he knew.

Sanghyun bit his bottom lip and clenched his fist tightly. He bid his farewell to the two olders and bowed politely. As he stood back straight however, his eyes caught a pair of soft brown orbs looking blankly at his way. Mir was watching from the doorframe of his room. He saw how the maknae gave him a small smile as if trying to give him strength he needed. But then, he saw how Mir flinched and looked a bit frightened as his eyes trailed over to his phone.

Sanghyun opened his mouth to call for Mir's name, worried and curious on what had made Mir looking so scared but was cut off by Joon. "Hey, Sanghyun. What are you doing? Let's go." Joon said sternly, certainly was in a foul mood. Not wanting to make thing worse, he bowed again to Seungho and GO who never once looking in his and Joon's way before he left but he still managed to steal a glance at the maknae whom already retreated back behind the closed door.

@@@@@

Mir heard sound of people squabbling from the front door. He knew what was happening. The fight. His hyungs fight. The usual verbal fight since months. When would this end? He dragged his feet to the door to his bedroom. As he opened wide the door, he could see Seungho's and GO's back on him. Without even having to see the two oldest hyungs' face, he knew they were crying inside. Just like him. For a different reason though.

His wide eyes traveled to Joon and Sanghyun when Sanghyun looked up and met his orbs. He instinctively gave the older a small smile. A quiet way of him to at least comfort the now former member of MBLAQ.

Mir jumped slightly and his attention was easily drifted away from Sanghyun when a text enter his phone. He opened the text from the private number and felt the chill running through his spine. His hand holding the small gadget was a bit shaky and he felt cold sweat beading on his forehead. That person even knew his phone number! Mir inhaled deeply, trying his hardest to control his erratic beating of heart. No. This might be different person. But the words chosen... Those words... Are so alike.

Glancing a bit to the frontdoor, he saw Sanghyun was looking his way with question in his eyes. He stepped back into the secluded space of his room as he avoided Sanghyun's eyes and only heard the voice of Joon before he closed his door softly.

Mir flomped onto his bed and took another look on the text. He threw the phone to his side and lied down, bouncing a bit at the impact. This won't stop. This was getting worse. The truth is, he had been having some anynomous email from someone, saying he should die. Then he found the same kinds of letter in between the gifts given by his fans. At first, he didn't really mind. It was a normal thing for a celebrity to have antifans, so he thought. Some of the antifans did go to the length of sending those kind of creepy letters. But they were smart enough to not get caught.

It wasn't like Mir was the kind of person that could easily be brought down by such letters and emails on how useless he was and how he was a bad rapper or something along that line. He had always read bad comments about him and wasn't affected. He even enjoyed reading those but this... This was something more. Telling him to quit being an idol couldn't even be compared to telling him to disappear from the face of the earth. To die. The intense amount of hatred in those letters was affecting him bit by bit. He thought he was okay with it. But he didn't. The constant hating words did affect him anyway. Chipping away at him bit by bit.

He realized it himself. He realized he was slowly losing himself. Though he tried his best to smile and to laugh, still, he felt... Empty. He sometimes even wondered, as he was joking with his friends, if they were really laughing at his joke or they were actually quietly hate him. And everything around him were lies. Maybe he just deserved to get all those hatred. Maybe no one loves him. Maybe everyone hate him.

A beep echoed near him when another new message came in. He contemplated on reaching over the phone, fear of reading yet the same kind of message too. Inhaling deeply, he decided to open the text and sighed in relief realizing the text was from Jinwoon. A text to hang out together. Mir shook his head and tried his best to clear his mind. Something he had been doing a lot these days...

the foreword actually sneak peak to future chapters. Hope I won't fail even before we reach that chapter^^

So... here a boring chapter for whoever-reading-this to spend your time on this

And hope you it reach your expectation, karen