He’s been here less than an hour and he already recked my entire existence. This morning I was sure I could stay all day long laying down in my comfy bed, after a hellish week of exams and no more than 5 hours slept the whole week… but no, plans got a ed up by 3 pm, when my aunt called me to warned that BTS was in Japan and that “the package was on the way” to my ty little apartment. I jumped off bed as fast as I could and buried all the garbage I had pilled up all week long (I rightly blame on college my lack of hygiene). I took a quick shower and did my hair enough to… well to not look too done… or produce or… he’d know for sure. I think he knew the moment he saw me in the street near the convenience store. 

So now, three hours, a half eaten pizza, three six-packs of beer… and the hottest kiss I’ve shared with someone in my entire life later, I’m sitting in the floor trying to pick up all the stuff without making any noise so he can keep on sleeping without any problem. I recognise we drank a lot… but I was expecting him to be a little more resistant to alcohol. I know he’s been drinking lots since debut, him being a minor an irrelevant fact when his hyungs got drunk enough to forget that same fact… and God only knows he’s not prone to follow rules too well either (not that I’m judging, auntie let me drink since I was 14 and rules are meant to be broken anyway).

It’s not like I care much… actually, having him here (drunk or not) it’s already a dream come true. 

I take the empty cans and push them to a bag in the kitchen. It’s so full that I have no other choice but to take the bag out before it’ll start stinking even more.I take both bags (the trash I had before and the can filled one) and unlock the door with a slight click.

“Where are you going?”- I hear from behind me, hoarse and grasp voice. He’s still laying in the bed rubbing his eyes sleepily -“It’s late”

“It’s just 2 am”- I whisper trying hard not to disturb the quiet peace of my floor- “Keep on sleeping, I’ll come back soon”

“Don’t”- he replies without letting a second pass- “You’ll have to leave the building to get to the dumpster… don’t go out alone”

“I always do this, don’t worry, I’m fine”- I take a step outside but freeze when I see him fully sitting in bed, eyes glowing something I hadn’t seen live.

“I do worry…”- cold gaze tracing millimetre by millimetre, from my upper arm to my fingers to the two bags- “You have no idea”- And then he changed, eyes deeply sad and hollow. It’s so unsettling that it makes me leave the bags in he floor and secure the door once again. He looks sad, and… lonely- “Come here”- his voice dry and deep, almost dark.

“Kookie… I’m sorry”

“Don’t apologize… God, you never have to do that”- he pats the space at his side, I drag my feet and sit where he was patting- “I… worry”

“…why?”- I look at the poster that’s besides him… a danger era poster: y look on his deer dark eyes… Why didn’t I take that off before he got here? Gosh…

Maybe cause… it reminds me so much of the time I had a crush on him. I love him, truly and undeniable. But before I met him, it was… a crush, a hard on and terrible crush. Looking at this hot guy, almost my age, walking living god: dancing, singing and pretty much doing everything he gets his eyes on, so perfectly well that it’s almost imposible… well the real question is: who wouldn’t have a crush on him?

I had a crush on an idol. Isn’t that suppose to be like one of the rules to be one? To attract people with a single gaze….

But this was so different. While being with him, with the rest of BTS… well knowing them as people, it’s so different. It had started the day they took me for the first time to Big Hit’s building… even when Kookie felt so awkward at my side he let me sat at his side. I knew he didn’t want to, but he was a gentleman none of a less.

Whenever we ate he poured the soda for me first.

He would open the door of the car for me.

He’d greet me even when he didn’t want to…

Yes he was cold, but he was so… warm at the same time. Does that make any sense? After the first stages of meetings, he opened up and… it wasn’t needed much more. Cause he’s not the perfect person I had imagined, beneath all that golden armour, it’s this person: Jeon Jungkook. Kookie, my Kookie, the person I love above everything, above his bad attitude and sudden mood outburst, and even above Gull.

The guy that’s looking at me like a dying starved puppy and I wanna eat him alive.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve fell so damn hard it’s a miracle I didn’t break.

“I know you do this alone… But I’m here… I want to take care of you… while I can, while I’m here for you”- my heart starts racing- “can I monopolize you?”- All my blood rushes completely to my face. I wanna scream. I wanna knock him off bed and… squeeze him till we both die…

“Yeah”- my voice finally reaches out. He back hugs me and knocks me on the mattress. I can feel his heart, beating at the same rhythm as mine. 

I love him.

“Remember? The first time you slept in my arms?”- he says after a few minutes of silent nothings, I actually thought he was back to sleep.

“How could I forget?”- I smile in his chest- “I was so nervous”

“Why would you have been nervous about?”

“We were supposed to be friends”- I reply - “and I had a gigantic crush on you, so when I woke up with your nose in my hair… and the pool of drool I left in your shirt… I… I was so ashamed and I thought you would react… you’d pushed me off and yell or something”

“You were nervous I was gonna see the pool of drool?” - he laughed.

“N… no!!”-I stutter- “I was nervous cause that’s when I realized I had fallen for you and I thought you could smell it on me or something and that’s why I thought… well that you’d push me away”- I slap his arm a little while trying to stop my tongue to ramble further.

“Cute”- he whispered in my hair, it make little electricity jolts to grow all over my body- “I thought it was cute”

“What?”

“The pool of drool”- he laughs. A pure so gentle laugh that made me smile in his embrace.

“Really? Jungkook, you are weird”- I kissed his arm and he laughed.

“You love weird?”- his voice suddenly getting cold- “Cause you know this is nothing near as weird as I can get”

“I love you, and him too”- I say- “I like both of you”

“Wait a sec”- he said pulling away suddenly- “You can’t love him”

“Him is you Jungkook”- I take his chin between my tumb and index finger grabbing him hold for him to be able to look anywhere else.

“No, he’s not”

“Yes, he is”- I pull him to my arms again- “He is you, he is the one you made to get you through shows, but he’s still you”

“Can we not go there today?”- he groaned.

“I love all about you”- I murmur- “just like you love all of me”

____________________________________

Akihabara was the best place to take him, I knew he would have fun, just like a kid in a candy store. 

Well… we’re still kids, technically.

“Nana come here”- he yelled pointing at one of the large manga stores- “I have to buy some mangas for Tae. If he finds out I’ve come to Akihabara and let pass the opportunity, next time you see me I could be in a coffin”

I followed him, all day long. Walking a few steps behind to watch every reaction, every smile, every laugh. Everything surprises him, the gigantic statues of Gundam Wing, Eva or Mazinger Z. Entire exhibitions dedicated to One Piece, scaled figures of Luffy, Zoro and their friends. The big playground with a Thousand Sunny in the middle. He looked so, so damn happy, that at some point his grin would start hurting. I could only be grateful for these opportunity. Should I call my aunt? maybe a snapchat would be enough right now… I would take him back to the hotel in a few hours so I could just thank her personally. I know she might me in a lot of trouble right now, but I would kiss her and thank her for the rest of my existence.

“Should we go ad have lunch?”- I ask him taking his hand.

“Can we buy this katana and then…”- He looks at me with wide stars glowing in his eyes. Of course we can. God I could buy the ing store to see that look in his eyes for longer.

I have noticed when we were getting to know each other. I noticed Gull was there, he changed so much that it was hard not to notice. I asked around, to be sure, but everyone just looked uncomfortable and politely made me stop asking so many damn questions. Auntie didn’t know either but she did gave me some affirmation of it. I got my affirmation from his lips. Not Kookie’s, but Gull’s. I was waiting outside the dance practice room and he left a little too angry so I followed to give him a glass of water and right there he pulled me over into a closet and laughed so horribly that I was about to scream, but Kookie took control (somehow) and stopped me from doing so. I was terrified, no doubt. Especially cause he left angry marks in my wrists while dragging me into the closet. 

After that, he had to admit to everything and almost begged me not to tell anyone. That was even before he started talking to me on a regular basis… maybe that was the thing that made him trust me at first but what I’m sure of is that in that instant, all of the previews images I had of Jeon Jungkook broke in a million pieces and it was the perfect excuse for me to get to know him… them.

At first I though he hated Gull, cause he spoke so ill about him… but the relationship seems a lot more complicated that what hate would resume. I have observed their connection up close and it seems rather brotherly and protectively, like Gull is the older brother, much more older than Kookie and he’s protecting him of evil. It might be the reason he attacked me that day, cause Kookie didn’t like me a bit at that time. I must say that at first I was positive that Kookie would love to get rid of Gull’s existence but, lately, it seems that he’s starting to accept Gull’s existence more and more. 

I’m not sure, I never am, and I don’t know what to make off it all. Just as he said last night… I worry. 

I’ve read so much about all that … initially because of my own aunt’s problem, but it had diverted from Anxiety disorder to Dissociative identity disorder and schizophrenia… I even read about factitious disorders.

At first I didn’t know why, but after a while thinking and reflexing on my own, I finally accepted that it scares me. It scares me the severity of the condition my own boyfriend has lived with and that no one has ever lifted a single finger to help solve.

It scares me that (like cases I’ve read)  his DID might develop further and that the second personality gobbles up the first one. 

But…

Is it really that bad? I see Kookie playing in that play-yard with 8 and 9 year olds so comfortably that… is it all in my imagination? I know Gull only comes out whenever Kookie has to work, cause I… have had my talks to Gull and… I know he just wants to protect Kookie. Gull loves Kookie.

“What have you been thinking about?”- he asked katana in hand- “Your eyes have been lost in the same spot of the carpet for a while”

“Nothing”- I lie- “Just some work to do back at home”

“Uhmmm”- he hums non satisfactorily- “I hate when you lie to me”

“Let’s get lunch, ok?”- I grin trying hard to stop him from digging under my thoughts, so I pull him out the streets so quickly that he didn’t have time to put the face mask on. I look right and left in search for a nice maid cafe to have lunch in, and that’s when I hear it. Nothing more than a little wind crossing my path but so clear it made my arms tremble.

“Isn’t that Bangtan’s Jungkook?”- two high school girls barely 2 meters away, gossiped while keep walking.

“Did you take the shot?”- the other said- “He was holding hands with that girl. Is she his girlfriend?”- she giggled but it shot goosebumps down my neck- “This might be a good thing to upload in the internet, korean netizens are such a bunch of drama makers… this could distract them a little”

“Of course I took the shot! I’m faster than a cowboy baby”- the other one responded looking at the phone’s display- “Let’s send it to weibo, it might be a good trending topic. Particularly with the girl being a gaijin they might as well end his career”

My feet flew, I was so ing fast that Jungkook was left in awe while watching me smacking the smartphone to the pavement and stepping on it a few times.

“You two little wrenches, don’t even try to screw this Ane-sama or I will hunt you to the deepest pits of hell and drown your pitiful skinny asses in a pool of your own blood”- I spit to them, full rage impulsing me- “Go yourselves before I take your other phone and make sure you swallow it down your big mouths and choke to death”- the girls looked at me with deep fear and took their backpacks that had fell off their arms while I was on my monologue. 

“I don’t even know what just happened”- Jungkook said leaning in the railing- “But I feel like I have two things to say. First: I don’t know much Japanese but girl… What a vicious tongue. And second: thank you”- I hug him tight and sigh. I know there’s a lot of people staring. I just made a spectacle in the middle of one of the most crowded areas of Tokio.

“I’ll take you to the hotel”- I say looking around- “Let’s not push our luck anymore”-I had never done something like that. Never, ever. I was actually one of those people that tried to avoid confrontation, even verbal… but it had pissed me off so horribly. I wanted to punch them, I wanted to actually do all of the things I’d said to them and…

“… ok”- he sighed and passed his fingers through my hair still hugging me- “Just one more thing”

“what?”- I look up to see him pulling off his mask and kissing me right there, in front of a thousand people staring at us… I push him- “for Christ sake Jungkook, this is ing Japan!! People are not used to this… kind of public affection”- I take his hand and pull him again through the streets an inside the closest underground station, to a miraculously empty one. Breathing hard I snap at him. Frenzied thoughts of being discovered pooling in my mind- “You ing kidding me? I did that so they couldn’t upload a photo of you holding my hand and now only God knows how many people has us on film kissing in the middle of Akihabara!!”

“Nana…”- he tried but I shut him before he could elaborate.

“The ? Now what am I suppose to say to my aunt?”- I yell grabbing streaks of my long hair and pulling them- “she might loose her ing job Jungkook!, Oh my God… and you? Bangtan? ! !”

“Calm down…”

“How can I??!!”- I punch him in the chest- “How can you be so calm??!!!”

“LISTEN TO ME!!”- He yelled on top of his lungs- “There was no one with their cellphones out!! They thought you where a crazy woman breaking people’s phones so as soon as you started yelling to those high schoolers all the people stored their phones out of reach”

“How do you know? How are you sure of… that. There might have been someone recording… you could’ve ed your career Kookie…”- I felt dangerously near crying, eyes stinging and so full of tears that if I moved a millimetre they would start pouring out so I looked down and let my hair cover my face.

“I… I’m sorry Nana”- he said holding my hand- “I… just felt the incredible impulse to kiss you”

“God…”- I feel tears already tracing down my cheeks. This is it. This is what had me worrying all over, this intense sensation that it was not only Gull that was a problem. I knew he behaved like a kid sometimes and at first it was funny and cute… but his recklessness and disinterested view of life mixed with the shallow knowledge I’ve accrued from my rough psychiatric investigation, had made me start thinking of other possibilities. Some that are now confirming themselves.- “I don’t want anything bad to happen to you… ever”- Peter Pan Syndrome? Or some sort of personality development problem?… how could he not measure his actions effects…? 

“I know”- he said pulling me into a hug- “I don’t want anything bad to happen to you either”

“Kookie…”- I gulp out of fear and stress and everything I feel right now- “you have to see a psychologist”- I say, emptying my mind- “Please”- my voice trembles the slightest. Rooted silence only broken by the upcoming train approaching the station. I don’t have enough strength to look up- “Do it for me. I… I’m so worried about you and Gull and… me and you and… our future”

“Nana…”- voice barely audible.

“Please”- I beg- “please… please Kookie”

“Is it so important to you?”- I sob in his chest.

“Ye… yeah”- I reply snot running loosely in his shirt- “I’m so scared… almost paranoiac. I love you so much, and I want you to be healthy and… this is taking hours of my life. Serious hours, cause sometimes I can’t sleep thinking and reading about this stuff and… Am I selfish?”

“Yes”- he sighed- “You are egoistical”

“Please… do this for me”- I plead again- “I’ll do anything…”

“Ok”- he agrees all of a sudden- “I’ll go see a psychologist”- I look up at him and he takes some steps away, letting the bags full of mangas and little figures in the abandoned bench near us- “When I go back to Korea”

“… seriously?”

“Is this what you wanted to talk to me about?”- he said sitting besides the bag, I could only see his back. The upcoming train stopped in the station, people flooding the floor and immediately walking to the exit- “I knew there was something on your mind”

“… are you angry?”

“Yeah”- he stretched his neck left and right- “Cause you didn’t tell me straight. I thought we could talk about anything… I never could’ve guessed this was the reason of your sleepless nights Nana”- he stretched his arms to lean in the end of the bench and lowered his head- “don’t ever hide… don’t hide anything from me”- I walk to the bench and take the bag in my lap while I sit besides him. I take his hand and intertwine our fingers- “I’d do anything. For you. So stop crying… you break my heart”

“Ok”- I say and lean my head on his shoulder.

“Let’s grab some lunch before I go back"- he squeezed my hand and kept on talking like nothing had happened.

________________________________

Thank all of you for following the story so far, especially bangtan671!!! I’ll write a couple more chapters of Nana’s and Kookie’s side story and then a couple more of Hanna’s and Jimin’s… and that’s basically it!! 

Hope you’d all liked it so far and I apologize for all that angst but I promise is worth it in the end.

Fangirl corner… 

So much has happened since last time… oh God. Hoseok’s and Yoongi’s b-days and 1000 days with the kids… also the announcement of the new album and the concert and... I just want to share my ultimate happiness with u all.

I might be able to attend to the upcoming concert!!! I had been planning a get away to Korea for some quite time and it happened to be at the same time of the concert... OMG!!! I might be able to see them live in Korea... T.T so yeap I have been basically fangirling dying over the past few days... if that didn't inspire me to write I don't know what would.

So yeah... That's it 4 now.