“This is what will happen”- Noona says- “You have the evening free, I made sure of it. Tomorrow too… so you have day and a half. Please be sure to come back to the hotel before we leave to Hokkaido"- I nod- "I haven’t call Nana either so I suggest you call her cause she hates surprises and… have fun, ok Kookie?”

“I don’t like when you call me like that”

“You’re still a kid”- she replies quickly- “you’re the kid that’s dating my niece, so I hope this kid will keep problems to the minimum”

“Will do captain”

“Keep the cellphone near you every moment”- she continues- “Please, if I have to contact you…”

“Don’t worry Noona”- But I know her worries are legit, cause I’m gonna turn off the phone as soon as I walk out the street- “You can always call her”

“God… Do you understand my PD charge is in danger just because I’m giving you a 36 hour get away?”

“I do”

“Then please, gave her the time of her life”

“Aye”

_____________________

It’s been exactly 68 days since I last saw her, since I last held her hand. It’s been 68 days of callings and internet meetings, tweets and Instagram photographs. Of almost every hour snapchats and… God I’m tired of this all technology bull. I just wanna have a normal day, just one, with my girlfriend.

It’s been a long time since I went for a walk in Tokyo streets like this. I usually go walking down every country we get to, of course, Hobeom-hyung always scolds me, but what can I do? I’m really just a kid. A curious kid. 

Tokyo… well, it’s not like Seoul. Tokyo is a big mass of pure concrete, thousands of walking faces that don’t even look up in your direction. People that don’t even care if you are or not. They walk their paths without trying to interfere in yours. I like that, I like the certain ambiguity and the never mind-like conscience of Japanese people. 

Tokyo it’s the perfect place to get lost in, to let the streets swallow you and never come back again. And it’s not like I’ve never had these thoughts before, where I disappear in the middle of a ton of people to never comeback… but right now, all I want it’s to get to the central part of Bunkyo and find Nana’s dorm.

I look up to the sky and find in one of the tall buildings a digital clock flickering by the second.

Five thirty four in the afternoon.

The hour isn’t favourable. Soon, all the people that had been working in the corporate buildings that are surrounding this area will pour down in the streets. Subways, buses and taxis will be crowded and traffic jams will take the whole city for at least an hour or two.

I would really want to keep my personal space and not feel other people squeezing me in the subway so I decide to run to the nearest station and hope it’s the correct line.

I’ve never been too good with directions, but I’ve been studying and somehow, I can get it right.

I get into the station, humid smell of soil and people around. There is just a couple more people waiting for the train. A tall suited man reading the morning paper, two school girls about a year younger than me and an art student (judging by the gigantic folder he’s trying to carry). I look to the tunnel and pray silently for it not to take long. I hope I don’t have to change lines to get there, though I know it’s more than probable that I would have to. I walk down the corridor to a big board where the lines are displayed. God, this is so complicated… how the am I gonna get there?

The train arrives so I have to sprint to get to it before it leaves. 

Of course, there are no sits, but I wasn’t especially looking for one. 

I just feel like I have a ton of energy (even when I haven’t been sleeping more than a couple hours a day), and I feel like I could walk to the other side of the city to reach Nana’s room, but I know that even when I could do it, it would take me at least a couple hours… and I have no time to waste. 

I have felt… different the last few days. I’ve been thinking lots and lots about her, about what she would do or say when she gets to see me. I’m not nervous, it’s just this thing in the pit of my stomach that makes me wanna throw up… it’s something like excitement, like when you are about to ride a roller coaster and there’s this something sinking down your digestive track… that it’s not food. Ok, maybe I can’t explain it, but it’s the kind of feeling you want to feel and it’s good to… sometimes.

Station by station the train starts filling up. It’s getting late and, as I had predicted, the people that were working are now trying to get home. I look around and notice the school girls that were in the platform before. I hate this. The cramped feeling. It’s kind of interesting that I cannot handle well crowded spaces, knowing that at concert venues I have to control all that anxiety… well it’s different being on stage and down in the fan area, but still.

I cover my face with the black mask I got from Noona. She knew this would happen, and she knows how much I hate to be watched… and they are watching me.

It’s their eyes, following my every movement. I can feel them, like daggers nailed in my back. 

“…he’s really tall and lean. Maybe if I fall down when the trains stops in the next station, he’ll help me out”

“No I won’t” - I reply in my head. The girl is little, almost like Noona. Long, straight black hair falls in her chest parted in two. She has bog round eyes and… maybe, maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I can say she’s pretty, but… there’s something about the tone of her voice that makes me wanna puke.

“Should I talk to him?”- she asks to the other girl.

“Don’t, just… don’t”

“I’m gonna go and talk to him…”

I can’t get used to it. To their stares, to their voices. Even when I have hold hands with thousands of fans, laughing, smiling talking fondly to them… Funny that I can make it there but not here. Not when he’s not around. 

There’s nothing I can do to control it, but he’s always there to help me with it.

I made him about five years ago, when the pressure was getting too much for me to handle, he appeared. I call him Gull. Gull is the one that takes all the things I can’t handle about being an idol and makes it endurable. 

All the hyungs know, all staff too. My double personality is what had made me go on. I know it’s bad, and the hyungs do too… but I just… can’t.

I can’t because I’m afraid they won’t like the person I really am.

I can’t because… 

I thought I couldn’t

But then she… she appeared.

The train stops and I make my way out of the train onto the platform. It’d be better to walk… I know I can handle this without him

It shouldn’t be too far away, I have been riding the train for almost an hour now so… I hope I’m on the right way.

I get to the streets in a busy commercial area, night has fallen pretty quickly, and only the tints of red that can be spotted along the sky are proof of the hour. 

I should  coffee… or some flowers? Nah, she’s not the type. Or is she?

God. I only had one other girlfriend and that was… 5… 6 years ago?

It was nothing serious, just curiosity… it was mostly curiosity. She was my friend’s sister, I saw her regularly and when she asked me out, I didn’t had a reason not to do it. That was the beginning of it, my lack of interest in other people. Of course, it didn’t last long, I was busy with the training and she met someone else at school so… yeah. It wasn’t the kind of relationship where you could immerse yourself completely or have the whole boyfriend-girlfriend experience. I didn’t take her to a restaurant, I didn’t gave her gifts, and I did not met her parents… Well it’s not like I’d met Nana’s parents either but, I had met her aunt (who is mostly the same since she’s as motherly as someone can be) and… the thing is… I really like her. I really like Nana. I like her much more than I’ve ever liked someone before.

She’s right for me.

I feel it.

I wanna do things the right way.

I wanna give everything to her.

The sole thought of her has made Gull come out less and less, even when we had been promoting for the past month.

I look up again, this time, there’s no tall building, just an analog clock ticking rhythmically in the wall of one of the stores. I’m definitely late.

The last time I was in Tokyo I got lost going to the combi, but this time I studied my way (google maps, street mode) and I can say I know these streets better than Seoul’s right now. I know I’m near.

The university students pass me through without looking twice, couples hugging and holding hands… it must be nice. I hope we can do that tomorrow. 

Should I plan something for tomorrow? What do I wanna do with her? Well a lot of things. I wanna go to the cinema and make out. Wanna go to a restaurant and hold hands under the table, I want her to feed me and I wanna… well I’m healthy 18 year old guy, but I should do that some other time. 

“I guess I should buy something…”- I say under my breath without expecting someone to answer, but instead a voice gets me out of the cloud I’m riding.

“Yeah, if you are going to someone else's home, you should definitely gonna need to bring a gift”- I look back and see her, standing with a bunch of paper bags and her usual big backpack. My girlfriend in all her sweat pant glory.

“You are getting quite good at korean”

“I’ve been studying my off”- she smiles. I’ve missed that smile, live, one on one.

“I was expecting a shoujo-manga-kind of reunion… a little more dramatic that to find you on the streets in your… pyjamas?”

“Sorry about that”- she says walking down the street to meet me- “I had my day off and I was tempted to use a dress but then I thought… no way in hell”

“At least you should look a little surprised that your boyfriend, who happens to live a sea away, came all the way down here to see you”

“What do you want me to say? That I wasn’t expecting you?”- she mocks.

“Yeah”

“Well, I hate surprises. Especially cause I live alone, have a ton of trash in my room’s floor and I don’t want my super cute boyfriend who I haven’t seen in months to find in his less-than-feminine girlfriend’s room… so, knowing that my super special aunt, who is about to kill you cause you turned your phone off, called about three hours ago and made me sprint to hide that same ”

“I’ve missed you too”- I smile back and take the bags off her hands kissing her cheek. 

I know… it’s been so long since we had any kind of contact… but it’s not like I hadn’t longed for it. She blushes a little more than I was hoping for. 

“I’m… sorry, it’s just that…”- she babbles scrubbing the area where I kissed her, trying to hide the rosy blush.

“Me too”- I smile- “I thought it’d be awkward but… I just wanted to”

“I’ve missed you Kookie”

“Me too Nana”

__________________________________

The walk to her apartment is silent, but I can see her playing nervously with her fingers and her hair. She’s taller, about a centimetre taller than three months ago. Of course I’ve grown bigger too, but I can still see the difference. It’s interesting, looking at her so closely. 

She’s also grown her hair longer, maybe cause I said somewhere in our conversations that I liked long hair… She’s started using make up too. A little more than before. Even when she’s wearing sweatpants… I can see. She’s changed a bit.

It’s something curious, I used to avoid people so much just to not get too attached to them, but now I can actually recognise the changes she’s been having. 

She guides me to the elevator of her apartment building, a view I’ve seen plenty on google maps. It’s exactly the way I’ve seen it months back. The back alley building, old looking yellow paint, cracking a little on the edges, the big windows that displays nothing but curtains and blinds that makes it somehow dark.

From that view, I learned to have her schedule in my phone so I could call her around the time she’d get home. Not that I would’ve done something if… anything happened, but at least I had the peace of mind that she was home already.

I hate the fact that she’s so far away.

The inside of her apartment is little. Something blooms in my heart, cause even when I’ve seen most of it by skype, it’s the first time she’s opening up the whole thing. This is the place where the person I like lives… it’s that kind of feeling. there’s a little wardrobe in the entrance, just enough for me to put my shoes in it while she gets the spare slippers out. Just about the main door, the bathroom at the right and the mini kitchen at the left. The room was passing the kitchen: a single bed, a big enough table (full of papers and pencils, colours, markers…), a little closet (that I can almost see bursting it’s insides open in any second) and a coffee table under the bed. It’s not neatly clean, but it’s and organised disorder.

“Sorry for the room, it’s pretty little…”

“Just about the same size of our’s back in Korea”- she lifts the bags I left in the kitchen and starts arranging the goods in the refrigerator.

I sit in the floor and watch her from behind. I haven’t seen this part of her, the homey nature of the woman. It’s pretty common to see Jin-hyung and Jimin-hyung doing the labours (I have to help too) but it’s different when a girl does them. Her back is pretty, she’s all pretty. She has lost weight… maybe the lack of sleep and all that freaking work that her animation sensei makes her do.

I look around a little, there are drawings, lots and lots of them. Some are coloured some are sketches. Characters, backgrounds and lots of tables with numbers that I don’t understand. But she draws so well…  I want her to draw me.

There are also some posters in one of the walls near the bed. K-pop posters, of course. A hanging in the wallm cheeky-smirked me, radiating with confidence and stuff I don’t actually have, waves back in my imagination. This is what she sees, first in the morning whenever she wakes up? It’s kind of… nah, it’s completely hilarious.

But there’s this new feeling to this, I don’t feel any menace from that poster, from the Gull. I know she doesn’t do it for my looks anymore. She likes me, me. I know. 

I know when she keeps connected all night, waiting for my message, and as soon as I send it, she replies. I know cause she’s always ready to do insights on my music, on my hobbies. I know cause even when I know she hates it, she spends hours playing with me online and listening to all the I have to spill whenever I get too tired.

I know cause, she hasn’t stopped asking about my background. I know cause I told him her three weeks ago, after she called a little panicked about something I can’t even remember and I spilled it out. I talked about Gull and she… she understood. And hadn’t talked about it after that, she just talked about what I like, about everything and anything and I know… cause she’s getting a frozen pizza off the bag and looking at it with a doubtful and troubled look in her eyes. 

“Do you want me to make something to eat?”- she says- “I know you didn’t even get lunch and… well…or do you want to go to a restaurant? I don’t cook too well so it’s better to go out and…”

She babbles. A lot. She mutters cause she’s nervous and because she likes me. But somehow, I also get all the insecurities she feels. I get it cause before her, I used to have them too. 

It’s been 68 days without each other, 68 days of pure and completely misery. Of what if’s and of what we want… but never could. Cause she was 1153.23 kilometres away and I was busy. I was busy while she was waiting for a call or a message.

And she’s “ah so” insecure that I won’t handle the distance, that I’m gonna meet someone else and that I’m not gonna contact her anymore. After all, I’m still that star in the sky, that star that she cannot touch or feel. 

And I’m sorry for it.

Cause I should’ve called earlier and not in the middle of the dawn.

Cause I should never make her feel that way.

“I really like you, you know?”- I say- “I really, really like you”- she feels the pressure of being there for me, of knowing that 99% of the time she cannot know what I’m doing, but she knows that I’m surrounded by cute girls, screaming their lungs out for me.

“Wa… wakateru”- She swallows deeply- “I really like you too. That’s why I get so nervous… how can you be so… calm? It creeps me out cause I…”- I get up and approach her slowly. She freezes- “because…”

“I don’t get nervous anymore cause I’m sure you like me. I don’t get nervous cause it’s you”- I say- “Cause I wanted to see you”

“Me too, but still I… haven’t met you in months and…”

“But you still doubt my feelings”- she looks down, avoiding my eyes- “Don’t move”- I say smiling. She gulps again and I feel the need to reach out and kiss her straight in the lips, but there’s something I must do before that. I trade my fingers in her arms and capture her jaw firmly making her look at me- “I like you, I like only you”- her eyes waters- “Nana, you are the only one for me. I’ve tried looking at other girls, but it has to be you. I don’t feel anything for anyone else, but when I’m with you… I wanna pin you to the wall and kiss you dumb. I like you, you know that?”- she takes a while, looking deeply in my eyes, but I know when she relaxes and smiles back.

“…Yeah”

“Then stop looking away”- I say returning the smile- “I wanna see your pretty eyes on me”

“Ok”

“I really wanted to do this in the shoujo-manga style, but I don’t wanna wait anymore.”- I say- “I’m gonna kiss you now”

“But I haven’t brushed my teeth”- she says flustered.

“That’s exactly the kind of comment that I expect from you”- I say smiling- “That’s the kind of comment that makes everything ok”

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I'm having a little vacation off work, so I'm gonna try to finish the story in the next month or so. XD Hope you've liked this chapter too!!