I think she's thicker minded than I imagined. I was not expecting her to jump to my arms but... The silence was not something to foresee either, especially after I got the guts to reveal one of the things I find most... embarassing in my life. I know, it wasn't the best situation to tell her, but at least I wanted her to say something.

Sitting here, in the waiting room of the surgical ward, I cannot help myself from looking back and feel a bit ashamed for what I did early in the morning. It was not something to be proud of. I followed her against her knowledge and invaded her privacy... not that I haven't done it before, but this time I was caught in the act. This time I did it for the wrong reasons, this time it was out of pure jelousy.

I cannot stop looking at her, she looks desolated and pale... but she hasn't change a bit from the subway station. Noona was always really pretty, even if she wasn't my style at all, she was still pretty. Her big honey eyes framed by thick eyeliner, cinnamon color skin and a tomboy look. She was definetly not my style at all, yet...

The first time I saw her, I was just passing by, as most of the people around. But a foreigner was a rare sight in that part of the city. It was not only me, the rest of the people slowed down just to take a sight of her. I remember because I was in such a rush to get to the training, but she was trying so hard to be noticed that it was kind of funny. She was wearing skinny jeans and a baggy blouse, classic white high reeboks and a snapback, very hip hop style. Actually I could've weared that same thing and looked very good.

I was just gonna keep my way making a mental note of her apperance to copy it, but then... woahhh, her singing... It was mesmezing. I got hipnotized by her voice. The song had the feeling of her washing way her frustrations, she was damning the whole world and herself, she was miserable and so happy at the same time. 

Could I ever do that? Could I be so sincere to... break and rest so easly? It was so hard for me, I was drowning in my own problems, but she was just letting it all out in that song. I was perplexed by it. 

While I was wandering in my mind, she suddenly packed her guitar and walked down the corridor to take the south train. I was so frozen, I couldn't move a muscle... even when every single piece of me wanted to reach her, I was just too shocked and I realized I was crying. There in the middle of Nohyeon station's rush hour.

My senses were clouded to the point that I couldn't move for more than 15 minutes. When I regained some control of myself, I dragged my tired body to the seven eleven near the Big Hit's building and collapsed outside. I cried for the rest of the night, alone, sitting in the most uncomfortable place ever and being watch by the few passers.

At first I cried because I was so tired of everything, I cried because I wanted to have what my friends had... freedom and a normal live. But at the same time I wanted my dream to come true... I cried because I wanted the hyungs to accept me so badly that I changed myself so I could fit... and then again I cried because I knew they didn't ask me to change. I cried because I left my mom and dad heartbroken back in Busan to come to Seoul... and now I wanted to go home so badly. I cried because of all those paradoxes that kept me from having a clear mindset and because I didn't know what to do with them. Because I was so blinded by the pressure I had put on myself that I couldn't see the whole scene... 

I self pitied myself and I hated myself... and then. after a few hours, I let go of all those dilemmas and puzzles. 

That night, when I finally arrived at the dorm, the others were so paniqued to see me so wrecked up that they thought I had been attacked. Jin-hyung held me so thight that tears went out naturally. Finally I could let out all those things that made my heart heavy and as I talked it out, in the middle of embarassing sobs... everyone opened up. We were all the same, we were so sick and tired about everything that crying was the least of our shames. We let all out that night, and Bangtan became... well Bangtan. We were so relieved to finally have people that cared, that really cared...

A few months later, we debuted successfully. The hellish schedule followed by our debut made the memory of the guitar girl linger in my mind like a feverish dream. Her image started being blurry, and I couldn't remember exactly how she looked, but the song played so clearly in my mind. The conciousness of that intant of pure self discovery would always be the best reminder of the girl. 

Debuting was frantic. Stage after stage, comeback after comback and the continous realease of albums... In a year we promoted 5 songs out of 3 mini albums, and we were working on our first full album. I cannot complain at all, thanks to that effort, Bangtan had made a name in the idol world. We took several rookie awards at ceremonies and... well we were doing really nicely at the selling department too... but we were... SO TIRED!

It became our first crisis as a group. Our idolized-lives were too much to take, especially because our personalities were not fit for it, we were always... free souls? So of course, the frenetic rythm of promotions took something out of us, we were really stressed. Rapmon and Suga-hyung stopped producing the full album due to a creative rut and that was when the company knew it was really serious... so they decided to give us a day a week. A no questions asked day, every week, so we could release the tension on our own way.

Rapmon, Suga and Jin-hyung disappear one day a week, only God knows where (we actually think they're dating, but we're too afraid to ask). J-Hope-hyung has his dance crew and V goes restaurant hunting with his friends. Jungkook travels back to Busan to sleep in his bed just for a night and I, well I deal with it in a different way. I just want to dance, I want to feel what I did when I was dancing in highschool. Not a coreography... I wanted to feel music. And in Seoul, the best way to do it is on underground street clubs.

Of course Rapmon and Hobeom-hyung warned us to be carefull of what we did in that time (we knew the kind of trouble we could bring with any kind of scandal) and that's exactly the reason why I developed a set of well rounded rules to cover my identity and to savely clubbing: Wear two sizes a bigger hoddie, no make up and no shaving that day, dark shades and a little of red spray in my hair with spray to cover my black one. No drinking and no talking around. Never the same club twice, never a club without a back exit, never staying past 3 am. 

So it was like that, every Thursday night I went out in "club hunt" to discover a new an exciting place to hit the dance floor. That Thrusday, I left home and wondered around my favorite part of Hongdae. There were always really good dance clubs and very good street dancers on them, but as soon as I walked in the emerging new trending hip hop dancing club, I felt chills all over. It was my kind of place, there was a a clear division between the tables and the dance floor so people that just wanted to drink stood in their tables, leaving the dancing to the ones that knew what they were doing. Attention was not what I was looking for, so I was really bewilded to feel everyone was at my same level. It had been a while since I felt that way, so into the music that anything else was out of sight.

That was untill a pink shape passed by my side, almost running into me, but she dodged me in the last second and kept her way. The pink figure holded a silver tray so big and full with drinks that it was... almost impossible for such a short girl to carry it and had done that twril.

A girl with a hot pink bob and bangs that covered her eyes completly... an employee of the club without a doubt. She had a bartender uniform but I guess she was just helping her over-worked waiters coworkers with the demanding crowd that was filling the club that night. She mixed the drinks put them into the tray, walked through the dance floor without tripping into anyone and without spilling a single drop out the glasses and delivered the drinks skillfully.

Her pink hair waved from table to table without break, and she always ended up doing some pirouette to avoid a dancer, a tipsy drunk or her own cooworkers. It was like she was dancing, but in a different, no so fun way.

For the first time in months I broke one of the rules. I stood in that club untill early in the morning, warding off girls that wanted to keep me company and... keeping my eyes on that pink blur that came and went without a breath. It was really entretaining, and such and odd way of working, but it was somehow... beautiful? How she managed it with so much hability. She kept an amazing pace...

By 5 a.m most of the people that remained were pretty much drunk. I had never stood so long to see how it worked, but actually the employees had to manage the people that were sleeping, or too drunk to walk on their own two feet. They started calling cabs to make them go home. Some of the drunkies put up a fight but they had to control them and almost carried them to the cabs. I was just sitting in the corner table holding my drink when she came.

"Are you drunk too? You danced your off... you have to be tired"- she said smiling to me- "Let's go cutie pie, you have to get home and sleep on your  bed"- she grabed my arm to pull me out of my sit. I noticed she had an strange accent, but made an effort to talk in standard korean. Maybe, Kyungsando or Jeollado....? 

"I'm not drunk"- I said opposing her strenght- "I'm just waiting for the trains to start running again"

"Oh! I'm sorry Mr. costumer"- she vowed to me- "I thought..."

"It's fine"- I took another sip of my drink just to try to look good- "You have worked hard"

"...Gamsahabnida"- she kept vowing- "Please enjoy your drink"- she tried to leave me to the drink, but I call her back.

"Is that your real hair color?"

"..."- she doubted to talk to me more. For obvious reasons, bartenders don't usually engage into conversations with coustumers. People took too much trust and started being "friendly" just to get free drinks or discounts.- "Nope. It's a wig. It's part of my uniform"

"You are not from Seoul"- I noted, more to myself than to her.

"I'm not korean..."- she smiled brightly. I was really shocked by her confession, her korean was extremely good- "Is my korean good? I've been studying hard... it's been a year or so since I came"

"It's better than some koreans I know"- I laughed putting away my shades. I knew she wouldn't recognize me- "You look korean though"- She put her index finger in her lips to silence me while lifting the bangs of her pink wig. She winked and right after I could see her eyes... the same honey eyes I saw a year ago in the subway were waving so near me that I got a shock.

"Let it be our secret"- she said with the same wide smile. I'm was too shocked to do something- "My boss doesn't like people to know a foreigner works here. He thinks it's bad for the businness..."- the sound of a broken glass coming from another table startled both of us- "... well, I have to go back to work. Thank you for coming and..."- she vowed once again and left. She seemed to hesitate, and stopped her steps turning to look at me- "Should I say it...? What the hell..."- I was equally shocked to hear a girl swearing- "You have some pretty sick dance moves... please keep on coming here... We'll make sure no one bothers you"

"Why would someone bother me?"- I babbled, too nervous to pronounce correctly, maybe she had recognized me after all.

"You've been avoiding people all night long... That and your baggy clothes, the shades and everything... When you removed it... well, I can say you are pretty handsome too"- she got a shy rose tint in her cheeks that complemented the pink hair wonderfully. The smirk in my face might have been bigger than intended as she was so flustered she tried to keep explaining herself further to correct whatever she thought she had done wrongly- "Well... I mean... Seoul is a place where... a pretty face doesn't go unseen, you know?"- she was so cute, stammering around so much- "What I mean... Ahhh!!"- she shaked her head and the bangs go back to cover her eyes- " I mean... We have a few costumers like you. They want to dance, but they're not looking for that kind of attention. So our boss has a V.I.P area and... has told us to... kinda scout good dancers... You know what I mean?"

"I'll come every other Thrusday or Friday. I liked this club, there's a nice crowd of talented people... and a nice view too"- I assured- "Hope to see you around"- she sighed and smiled back at me.

"Then, I'll be waiting for you Mr. Costumer"- and with that said, she left back to the counter, not without tripping in a stair... She left me wondering, once again. How come someone so skillful can be so clumpsy too? Too cute, too talented, too... lovely. 

I kept my promise and I went almost every week, afterall we were in between promotions. After a two weeks I "earned" the V.I.P sit upstairs, were it was much more easy to see her. It took me longer to start building up the confidence to talk to her, not about the subway event, but about anything at all... to ask her name... I really wanted to thank her and... well I wanted to get to know her.

But it became increasingly difficult to approach her, maybe beacuse I was scared she had forgotten about the whole thing, maybe because she was always busy and so tired afterwards... I didn't want to bother her. Maybe I was just a coward, and that was why I couldn't do much more than watch her. And so, the months passed by, and I was always watching her from my V.I.P sit.

"You like her?"- one of the waitresses came to me suddenly- "She's nice, and she works so hard that it's difficult for us to keep the pace"

"I'm not watching..."- my eyes were on her in that exact moment so I tried to move them to the dance floor as slow as I can so she wouldn't notice- "anyone in particular"

"Ahh... come on! The only one that hasn't figured it by now it's Ssalie"- she pointed to the bar and all the bartenders waved at me- "We all now. So, do you wanna ask her out or something?"

"No... I just..."

"We want her to date someone"- she sat at my side- "And you seem a good candidate"

"I can't... no... it's not like that"

"You don't like her?"

"I do! But not like that..."

"Ahhh damn..."- she let her arms collapse at her sides- "We thought someone had taken a liking out of her... That maybe someone could get her out of her misery...  Guess we were wrong..."- she stood but I grabbed her wrist and made her sit again.

"What do you mean with misery?"

"Why would I tell you? You could be a stalker..."- she got up rapidly- "If you are not interested in her why are you always looking...?"

"It's not like that... I... don't like her. I just like her"- I explained. And it was true, at the time.

"An admirer?"- she smirked angrily- "She has a fan... wow. A pretty handsome, not romatically fan... that and nothing it's the same"- she turned again and I grabbed her wrist again to make her sit- "I have to work!"

"Just tell me"- I made use of my well trained eyes to make my point- "please"- she reluctanly agreed. She ended up telling me noona's whole story. No money, no family around, not many friends and... she had to keep working to pay rent, so she could stay in Korea. The other jobs, the difficulty to land a job as a designer and the conditions she had been living for the past year and a half.

That night I went home earlier than I was planning. I couldn't sleep, just thinking... how could I help her? She was such a nice girl and... was really struggling so much? Yes, I knew I had nothing to do with it... but somehow I couldn't just let it be, not after finding out.

I started going to the street stall, buying things here and there without her noticing. I also went to the bar were she sang, leaving tips for her and... well making sure people appreciated her singing. From time to time, I really liked sitting in the coffee shop that was in front of her stall to... just to see her, sometimes I stood till late to make sure she got the bus home...

I wanted to keep an eye on her, to see if she was eating... if she was doing ok. Sometimes I noticed her skipping meals or walking home to save money... it was heartbreaking. And... I just wonder... how? How she could put up with so much ? How could she keep smiling after all that trouble... how could she have all this energy to keep on going?

I believe this was the moment were it hit me really hard, that sudden realization of my current situation. Why was I... interested, to the point of stalking...  Was it just because she's the person that gave me the inspiration to continue with my career? Or because she was the hard working girl in the club...? Maybe because she was really talented and I hated everything was so difficult for her...

No, that wasn't it. I wasn't looking from that far anymore. I was looking inside. She was no longer the guitar girl, nor the bartender in my favorite club... She was Ssal. The girl that once a day had to have a dark americano, even if she had to beg for a discount. The girl that sometimes fell asleep sitting in her street stall... that twisted her short hair to make little waves in the tips. Ssal that loved tteokbokki before entering a long shift in the club. Ssalie that sells parts of her soul with her designs, the girl that taps her feet at the rythm of a song she loves and the one that sings silently walking down the road to take the bus with her earphones on. The girl that waved to all the kids that passed by and the one that would stop everything she was doing just to caress the dog of her custumer...

So I guess there's a reason afterall, since I'd never felt anything like this before. The need to see her every day, the need to protect her and to stay near her. I... want to hold her hand and... I wanna see her smile. It's what I felt... what I still do. 

Our great differences in age and race... not even the fact that she was the exact opposite of the girl I always had dreamed of... such little matters were irrelevant. I liked noona.

And so, when I finally realized it, I did something. It was me all along. The one that took Jin, Rapmon and Suga-hyung to her stall, the one that made Hoseok passed by the bar were she sang. The one that tagged along sometimes to see their reactions to her new stuff, and the one that encouraged Hoseok to take Kookie and Tae Tae to the bar. I was behind it because I knew they would like her as much as I did... because she has that magnetism...

That's how, in Suga's birthday we happened to get to the Hongdae club, and coincidentally she was having her birthday party too. That day I... well the others found out about my little crush on her (since it was pretty obvious when she got too near me or because I couldn't stop smiling at her... or it could be because I almost snatched her away when Jin-hyung was trying to carry her drunken to her apartment...). They also found out the whole story, not by her lips but from mine. The girl in the subway, the club, that it was me that made them notice her... and they were more than happy to help out, and the hyungs were already a step further with it... they had already talked it out with BangPD.

I was so... damn happy to finally it out... afterall, they are my family. I was so thankful for their support... Of course they teased me a lot about it, but they never said anything about the difference on our ages, or the fact that she wasn't korean. They just knew I... really liked her. 

So after a few weeks (and after the great shock to find out the conexion between my own aunt and noona), she was able to land a PD posicion. It was far beyond my expectations, but she looked so moved and so... well... relieved to finally have the job she had wanted for such a long time. She looked radiant even with the little sleep she was getting and... I got to see a whole new side of her, her grown up, proffesional side is very attractive too.

I couldn't care less if I barely saw her every day, I still could get little glimpses of her: when she went to the bathroom and I happened to be in the hall, or were she went out her office to brief Bang-PD and passed by the dance practice room. When I could take a pick of her taking a little nap in her desk... When my aunt took us to dinner and I could see her eating so whole heartly... It was really enough to know she was happy, I could go through the day with that. 

And that's how today, after I screwed up so badly... I finally made up my mind to tell her the story. I had to do it eventually and... I wanted to ease her so badly that maybe... she would feel something different than the desperation after hearing it. And the fact that when she see's her niece waking up from the surgery... her eyes glitter.  All those hours of suffering and worry were lifted with just seeing her niece.  She went in the room and caressed her niece's forehead with so much affection, it was obvious that she loved her.

"Thank you"- she said while we waited for her niece to regain conscience- "I don't know what would I do if you haven't stayed with me. Thank you"- she kept thanking me on our way home, I think she kept doing it because she didn't know what else to do... and that's why I feel like I could've done so much more to make her feel better...

I like Noona. I like her too much. I feel it in my heart everytime she smiles or everytime our mets. What was I suppose to do with the heartbeat? She's making my heart run 1990 RPM per minute and it makes me dizzy. I want to hold her... Such a naive love... It's not like she my first sweetheart, I'm not that young... but I never felt like this. 

What am I suppose to do with all this feelings pilling up in my overly sensitive heart? With the goosebumps coming up my arm from the warm of her hand? With the pressure that kept pushing my heart in my chest while she's talking to another guy in the phone for longer than she had ever spoken to me....? What am I suppose to with the pain I feel when Rapmon-hyung ripped me from her... with the emptiness of her image waving while her image slowly disappears... 

I really like noona, and I'll make sure she likes me back... somehow.

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Thank you for reading again, and sorry for the waiting. I had been having this... counter feelings and it was really difficult for me to land this chapter with all the feelings I wanted him to express. Skits are gonna be Jimin's POV.... Hope it's not too complicated with Interludes and all... kekekeke I just think is important for him to tell his part of the story. <3

I'll try to write the next chap by Monday next week. Thanks to the new subscribers and as always, every comment is well received and... It makes my day so much brighter >.<.  If you want to ask or are curious about anything, please ask! I'll try to reply to everything. 

Fangirl corner...

We have confirmation of a comeback YEYYYYY!!! XD. I'm really excited with it... it's autumn!!! They're gonna look soooo goood. Let's hope for a successful and save comeback and for them to reach another no.1.

Now I let you to a random cute Jimin and a random y  HAVE A NICE WEEK! <3

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