I fell even deeper when I got to knew her.

Her clumsy and obsessed parts, her serious and her funny ones too. How she’s mature and then probably the more childish among us. Her playful, and her mother-like sides, her feminine and her not so feminine as well. 

She’s still a puzzle, a really weird puzzle. A much complicated one than I had expected. She’s got more pieces now that I can look closer. 

She’s not perfect, perfection is far from a good concept to fit her in. She’s unique. Unique in every way she could be. She likes her eggs scrambled, with more onion than tomato. She wakes up and does this swing with her nose before she rubs her eyes. She walks in this funny pace (two left one right) whenever she’s happy, she also eats a lot whenever she’s feeling good and then without notice, she can spend days without having a bite. In those days you can sense it’s not right to talk to her, she has a big frown in between her eyebrows and a “ the world” expression. It’s better not to bother her when she’s having one of those days. Moody… her moods change within a second. And yes, it’s hard to follow… but I don’t seem to care at all. It’s fun, it fits me.

Oh… and she’s stubborn, like no one else. 

She felt asleep in that uncomfortable settee in the hostel’s hall, I knew she would when I saw her drifting away from the room with those dark deep eye bags under her eyes and the memory of the last two days of frantic work. 

I couldn’t sleep that night, knowing she was barely two floors away racking her brains on whichever task she manufactured to keep her from sleeping.

It’s a cold night, even when we are getting nearer to spring. There’s no way to know if snow will fall again but the cold seems to be a good index. 

4:00 a.m and after rolling in my bed for over 3 hours, I decide to go check on her. Halls silenced, dim lights guiding me through them. I get to the receiver and I see her. Of course, she’s there tangled with papers and a light cover. It’s colder down here… goosebumps on her uncovered arms. She’s too skinny… too small. Even the settee seems too big for her. There’s not much of more to overthink when she growls and half the papers slips down to the floor while she moves enough for the cover to slid off her limbs. I reach to her and try to cover her completely, but the piece of fabric it’s too short.

“Damn”- I whisper. She grabs my arm in her sleep.

“I’m cold”- she says pulling me in… and I don’t fight my impulse, naturally laying at her side. It’s breath taking. Her, pulling me so tightly and fitting in my chest perfectly.

Despite having to share my bed countless times, (Tae being the busybody he is, always climbing in my bed and some other times Kookie has one of his downhill’s humours and says something hurting and at night he would just lay down and sleep soundly at my side, it’s his silent apology) this is different, so different. She’s breathing evenly, slowly. The little puffs of warm breath that hits my collarbones, her dark brown hair tickling in my neck and her limbs holding me tight.

I… don’t wanna let go. Not when I feel tickling flesh in every single part where skin touch skin, when my heart flutters every time her eyelashes bats in her deep sleep… 

And that’s exactly why I snap at that moment. I snap so badly that tears come out… It’s not like I haven’t cried in front of Bangtan… but this time, it seems so different.

Finding out the truth, that I never had any chance to get her, not even the slightest. God... I made a fool out of myself. It's not like I wasn't up for it, I would've done every frivolous thing in the dictionary to make sure she looked at me for longer than a few seconds... 

What hurts the most is that I thought I was making it, the illusion of her gaze in me, when she came to the studio to listen to the songs, when we took the same car home, when she woke up in the dorm, just a few centimetres away from me and looked at each other silently. I thought... I wished. But it was only in my mind.

“Noona look at me”- I beg. I beg for my life’s worth… but she doesn’t move, a single millimetre.

I’m so stupid.

She wouldn’t even look at me… Is she ashamed? Maybe playing with my feelings was hard… she’s not the kind of person, I know, but she… did it.

It sure hurts. 

But as usual, I cannot show, I can never show my true feelings. Not when I’m Park Jimin, the Park Jimin of Bangtansonyeondan. I need to get ready, there’s work to do. There’s damn work to do. So I get all my feelings in a bag and seal them away. I take a bath, eat breakfast and 30 minutes later I’m at the receiver waiting for the others. I’m waiting for their pity eyes and the lukewarm silence… cause I know I’ll see them. 

At the same time, I know they won’t butter in. This is personal. And I don’t want to share it, I don’t want them in my back. I wanna be alone.

The team had enough in their hands already for me to put more weight on them. That same day we still had two more photo sessions. And after them, we would roll the m/v for at least three days. After that I know the choreography for the new songs would give us hell for the next month and we are planning on releasing a Japanese single too… 

Now that I think about it, it was the best timing for my heart to be shred to pieces. Taking into consideration that I wouldn’t even be able to feel my body, my heart would be the least of my worries, and maybe, just maybe, it’ll heal in it’s own.

Days passed by, moving around to shoot scenes, sleeping in the van when we had a minute or two… It was tiring, but I tried my best not to look too affected. Of course, they knew… but I had to try, and they were aware enough to shut up and not make the attempt to go on intervention mode. I thank them silently, specially because I know that I’m even more annoying than usual and they are all so overworked that I thought some one (Yoongi-hyung) would explode on me. It was the other way around, I felt they were all trying to sooth me, at least a little bit.

The last m/v scene was shot three days before Wolmido, and I had successfully avoided Noona for that time. I had successfully put my feelings aside and ignore the sting between my ribs.

As I had predicted, it had helped being out of my mind, sleep deprived and starving, but nothing of that prepared me for returning to Big Hit’s building and face what I wasn’t ready to, yet.

“We finished, we finally made it!”- Sowon-noona is leaning against the door frame of the editing room, talking to someone inside- “Let’s wake Ssal, she needs to see it before we show them to other people”

“Let her sleep… she’s been feeling bad”- Changseong-hyung’s voice came out of the room.

“But…”

“Ahh… Namjoon! We are done! Do you want to see the album?”- Namjoon-hyung stopped in front of the door, but the rest of us kept on going, we knew he would take the album to us after watching it with Changseong-hyung. It should be perfect, I’m not doubting her skills… she’s an excellent designer.

We walked down the aisle to the practice room. I was about to go in, but something called my attention. A flash of black on the VPD’s room floor. And there she was, sleeping soundly in the hard wood, looking more than exhausted. Pale, big dark eye bags under her eyes and… the way she’s breathing, a little to soft to my comfort. She looks passed out… cold out. I’ve noticed, the last couple weeks, she’s not eating, she’s not even sleeping properly. Working till late hours, dawn even… so fragile, so weak… what if it finally kicked out? Not a chance to think, my heavy limbs moving on their own.

“Noona!”- Hoseok-hyung beat me for a second and kneeled down near her. He shifted her slowly, the others went in too, Tae shoving me aside and shaking his head for me to leave.

“mmm… Hoseok?”- she woke up with heavy eyelids and confusion in her eyes. Tae looks at me and I know what he’s doing… I know it’s the best thing for me, maybe for her too. It’s my out signal, so I went in the dance practice room- “I’m fine Hoseok, don’t worry. I was… just sleeping”- voice hoarse, too hoarse.

“God…”- Yoongi-hyung’s voice full of worry- “We thought you were out”

“I was…”- she giggles- “I pulled an all nighter. I wanted to rest a little”

“Go sleep in Namjoon’s…”- Kook’s voice fades when I close the door. Some times I forget… I’m not the only person she has, they can take care of her too.

I can’t hear anything else of the conversation. Not that I needed, or wanted to… I’m fine did it for me.

Falling in love, it shouldn’t be called like fall. You don’t fall for someone, you fly, you climb, you levitate up, upper than ever. The real problem is that, from every step up, there’s a thousand more steps down, and love vertigo, falling out off love, it’s the drop journey. Non-stop, without a parachute, watching death eye to eye.

I still see her walking in and out the VPD office. It has become an usual thing to find her sleeping in places no one else could, of course. 

It seems everyone got a good shock when she got to work wearing her new look and a shy smile. No one understands why she did it, but the transformation had given her a little more light to her face. She cut her hair and dyed it. A dirty lila, very similar to Taehyung’s in War of Hormone era. Her now pale skin glowed brighter, and her new haircut accentuated her never fading cheeks (just like mine). The sleeping beauty, she had gained the name through these weeks. God, she looks so beautiful. For me though, It was obvious, she’s been like this since three years ago. I knew bright colours would suit the brightest person… But she wore her hair like trying to hide the lack of the brightest feature in her: her full smile.

That’s the other change I had noticed.

She never laughs anymore.

Not after Wolmido.

She might crack a little smile but it never reaches her eyes… and yes, I’m still watching her, even when I don’t want to, when I’m trying not to… but it had become more like a need nowadays.

Specially after noticing that she’s taking this… situation, pretty badly too. She’s suffering, I know because every time we cross paths, she lowers her face and bits her lip, hard enough to draw blood out… and if I have to be completely honest, I don’t like it at all. 

That doesn’t mean I had forgotten what she did, I don’t feel any better either, now it’s even worse, cause I still care too much, cause I can’t stop taking to heart every move she takes, every step when she’s near.

I had been thinking a lot, trying to analyse the whole thing. Trying to be objective at the whole situation. But even when I tried to rationalise even the slightest glance, every moment our eyes met, all the little conversations and the moments we shared… even when I tried to see it under an objective light, I just can’t see how she could’ve acted it all out. God, she might be the best actress ever and deserve the academy award if she has fooled me for so long…

People say love is dumb… and crazy and blind and nonsensical.

And I agree.

Cause I can still not forget, something that happened just in my head. The movie I myself assembled piece by piece, keeps on playing in my dreams.

Damn, I just wanna rip my heart off and stop thinking, stop feeling.

“I really tried to stay quiet and give you space, but this is ridiculous Jimin”- Yoongi-hyung’s voice on speaker resonated throughout the empty walls of the gym- “Come home or I’ll go there and drag you”

“Hyung, don’t worry”- the treadmill going a level up- “I’m having an extra cardio session”

“You’ve been in the gym for the past 5 hours”- he yelled- “I want you here, now!”

“I’ll be at dance practice at the scheduled hour Hyung… I promise”

“It’s not about the ing dance practice”- he says, there’s some whispering in the background and right there Namjoon-hyung’s voice swaps with Yoongi’s.

“Jimin, come on, you’ve been giving your body hell for the past weeks… you’re gonna hurt yourself”

“I’m not Namjoon-hyung”- I say, speed going up- “I know… my limits”

“You don’t know about limits Jimin”

“Nor do you”- I hang up, and turn off my phone. I know they worry, but this is the only way I know how to deal with the feeling. A worn body is the best way for mind not to function clearly.

So I push my limbs as far as I can without passing out, sweat dripping from my brows, killer satisfaction on every cell, every muscle, and after hours of desperation I finally feel better. A little more free.

It is truly the result of this sad love. Love, love, love that I have pursued from the shadows. And now I understand why she was so reluctant to let me in, cause in reality, I am a child.

A little kid that cannot even control his emotions, his feelings.

So I add more weight and lift, and lift, trying for my aching body to be the sign that I’m still alive, and that I’m still falling down the tallest mountain… that I haven’t died yet… that she’s still around, no goodbye on sight.

“PARK JIMIN!”- I hear from the corridor. Jin-hyung’s voice coming from the corridor.

“…”- it’s that tone. That tone that everyone in Bangtan is apprehensive of hearing from him. When we know, there’s gonna be an extended version of our mom and the nagging would be inexhaustible… And here it comes.

“PARK JIMIN, LET THAT WEIGHT DOWN AND COME HERE. NOW!!”- the door slams so hard against the wall that the knob must’ve left a mark in the wall.

I look down and I see Jin-hyung, tapping his foot so quickly that it might set himself on fire. I know I can’t avoid it anymore, and that he’s gonna say whatever he had been holding for these days of reckless behaviour. I drag my feet to the first floor where the imposing figure of Kim Seokjin rises close to the elliptic machines.

“5 hours?! Really?”- face red and hands trembling.- “Do you want to ing kill yourself?!”- I think it’s the first time I hear Seokjin-hyung swearing during a conversation. He’s furious, but it’s the kind of anger that it’s much more about love and care than of doing something wrong- “Do you plan on dying before comeback or something?”

“Hyung…”

“Shut up”- he closes our distance by stepping forward- “This is insane Jimin, I know this has been hard on you but…”- I don’t know what kind of look I have on my face, but it makes Jin-hyung stop and sigh heavily- “Listen Jimin… I… can’t you just go talk to her?”- It’s not like I haven’t think about it… it’s not like my legs haven’t guide me to her. It’s just that it stings too badly, cause I know anything she has to say would end up in the unavoidable farewell… and I’ve been trying really hard to avoid it.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea”- I say looking down.

“Ok, so you are gonna just stay like this and suffer?”

“I can handle it”

“Sure, you can handle it”- he stretches his arm and press a finger hard against my abs. It hurts, so ing much that I can’t help myself from stepping back coughing- “You really are made for each other…”- he says more to himself than to me.

“I… don’t want to talk to her”- I shake my head and feel my fingernails digging in my palms- “It’s better this way. She might resign hyung…”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me”- he rolls his eyes- “it’s like you don’t know her at all Jimin…”- he leans against the mirror and looks at my eyes- “She’s been trying, all this time. She wants to overcome it but you haven’t been helping either… Believe me Jimin, she’s trying”

“Trying to do what?”

“It’s complicated”-Jin-hyung sighs and bites his lower lip- “Please, listen to me. Just go talk to her and save you all this hurt and…”

“As you said… it’s complicated Hyung”- I say irritated- “besides, she was the one that did things wrong. Why should I be the one…?”

“Because you love her Jimin”- he says- “And you don’t understand what she might be going through right now. She’s lost a lot of weight again… and she’s pale and tired. What if she’s sick?”

“I don’t… care”

“Bull Jimin”- he says- “We all know this is past your first infatuation. You love her and you need to be near her”- the silences gets thick.

“Ok, if you know that much then tell me why the heck doesn’t she talk to me”

“Because she’s not as self-assured as you think she is”

Sometimes I ask myself if I am the person that knows her the least in Bangtan. Everyone seemed to understand silently and stood away so we could just sort things out on our own. It feels like they know something that stills in the pitch darkness for me.

____________________

Two days away from comeback.

Nothing has changed.

I’m drained.

Both mentally and physically. We all are.

It’s been two days since we could go home to sleep. At this point we look and feel the same: positively zombified.

The effort I put in every dance move it’s starting to ache, even when this isn’t one of the most complicated choreographies we’ve had… but I know it’s been paying off. The continuous training in the gym, and… the heartbreak.

She doesn’t look better than me.

She doesn’t look better than before.

She looks exactly the same.

Lilac hair turning whiter everyday, same deep eye bags and same thin figure walking through the corridors. 

Sometimes I can see her silhouette peeking from the window, watching the practice and then leaving to the front door… there are other times I can hear her voice, guiding people here and there. There are times, when we are in the same room, BangPD or some other giving presentations, showing the development of their plans and I get to glance at her, from the back, quietly. There are also sometimes I get to watch her sleep, curled up in some corner with a blanket tossed by someone, someone that is not me. Someone that might never be me. 

And there’s were my demons starts to get the best of me. I feel… so lost, so aimless, purposeless…

I go to the gym, again.

But it’s never enough, I’m not satisfied.

“Jimin!”- Songdeuk-hyung screamed, we’ve been at it for eight hours straight. It’s 2 am and I feel like bursting into a thin layer of dust- “Get your together! Come on, I know you can do better than this”- I know I can, I really can… but not today, not after lifting more than I had ever done in a day… it ing hurts everywhere- “Is this it? You need to land this trick for next showcase”

“I know hyung”- I say- “I’ll try”

“Trying isn’t enough, you’ll do it. You’ve done it before!”- he shouts louder. I’ve never been good with criticisms, it makes me get goosebumps, specially when it comes to something I know I can do- “ this is even easier that the one you did for Gayo 2013…”

“The one I failed?”

“… on stage, you did so good on practice!”- I hear from Hoseok-hyung in the background- “Hyung, just let him…”

“No, don’t get into this Hoseok. I’ve been letting him off the hook from days now and we are two days from comeback. I’m sure he can do it”- he says getting near to me and putting a hand in my shoulder- “It’s just half-backwards turn Jimin. Come on”

“This isn’t even the main song…”- Yoongi-hyung groans.

“He can do it!”- Songdeuk said squeezing my shoulder.

“I can”- I say with confidence. I have done it before, I have. It’s not even that complicated, Jungkook has lifted me and tossed me a thousand times before, I have jumped from his shoulders, from others shoulders, from floors, from damn stages! I’ve done it more times that I can remember.

And so, I try again. Jungkook gets near me to lift me up.

“You ok?”- he says in low voice. I nod and he makes a bridge with his hands, fingers interlocked so I can step on them. I breathe once. Namjoon and Suga-hyung sitting in the floor by the door. Breathe twice: Jin, Hoseok-hyung and Tae sharing a bottle of water to sooth their dry throats.

Ok, enough.

I take impulse and step in Jungkook’s hands, he lifts me as easily as ever, and I rotate in mid air… 

“Hyung!!”- Jungkook’s panicked voice made me realise… the floor is in my field of vision, too near… and there’s nothing I can do about it.

“Jimin!”- Jin-hyung gets to me first kneeling at my side.

“Don’t touch him”- Songdeuk-hyung says- “Call an ambulance!”- he screams in the hall.

The sharp pain in my back makes me close my eyes as hard as I can. 

“Hyung…”- I hear Kookie’s voice near me, I cannot open my eyes yet- “I…”

“It was’t your fault”- I manage to say. The only sound that I can hear is the ticking of the clock… numbness all over my body. 

“Where does it hurts?”- Songdeuk-hyung’s voice startle me- ‘Hey Jimin…”

“… lower back, upper right leg”- I say after analysing.

“Enough to be broken?”

“Not… sure”

“God… I’m so sorry”- He says. The sirens of the ambulance in the background makes me feel strangely calm.

“It was my fault”- I gasp.

“Jimin…”

“It’s ok hyung, I know I’m fine”

“Have you move him?”- I hear from a foreign voice. I open my eyes for the first time after the fall. Tears rolling out cold sensation on my burning cheeks. I don’t seem to be able to hold it anymore, my back is killing me and my vision is flurry- “We’ll get him to the hospital”- my mind slips away while I feel hands all over me.

I wake up in the ambulance, paramedic at my right, Suga-hyung at my left.

“Great, you’re up”- he says- “What a blow”- his half-assed smile shooting worry in every flicker.

“Hyung…”

“Everyone else is in the van. I came cos’ Jin was having a breakdown and he couldn’t handle it. Namjoon had to stay to handle the situation back in the building, but everyone else wanted to tag along so…”- I notice, he looks paler than usual.

“Hyung… I’m fine”

“Sure”- his frown deeper than before.

“Seriously”

“Jimin… you landed pretty badly”

“It looks worse that it is”

“You ing passed out”

“…”- I breathe again- “I didn’t say it didn’t hurt… but I know I’m fine. Look, I can move my toes and… it might be just a little strain. I know it looked ugly, but I feel fine”

“… Jimin”

“Hyung, I’m telling you it’s fine”

Next thing I know, I’m being pulled out off the ambulance and into the hospital. A sense of deja vu from the last time I was in a hospital. Large deep white halls like labyrinths. I feel a little sorry for Suga-hyung, running almost at the same pace as the paramedics.

“Till here”- says one of the nurses and Suga-hyung waves while the doors slides shut. Last time, I entered with her hand wrapped in mine… this time though I’m being admitted and God know’s when I’ll be dismissed… and I’m hungry. Great.

Don’t know why, but a sense of calm takes me over. I know, it’s not that severe. I might’ve pulled some tendons and there’s definitely gonna be a huge bruise all over my , but I know it’s gonna be fine. And I know, it’s a miracle.

___________

Of course, I couldn’t be prepared for what happened later that day.

As I predict 5 hours later, I’m being released with a whole pharmacy section in my bag, my own personalised -pillow, a worried-dead Jin-hyung who had vomit 3 times since he got to the hospital and a warning to not make heavy movements for the next two weeks (will have to ignore, comeback is just 2 days away).

The hot shower feels like heaven, but still, I feel bad, specially cause I hadn’t been able to land that freaking trick, but somehow, the quiet of the bathroom, only interrupted by the water hitting the floor suits my pained body more than anything right now.

Wow… I… feel horrible.

Even with all this morphine in my system, enough for me run a marathon and feel nothing.

I know I’ll have to bring myself to stage in the next 48 hours, but it’s not the reason of my uneasiness. How can it be that the only thing in my mind is… Ssal-noona?

God… haven’t I had enough? I almost died and… I don’t use this brains to think how terrible it could’ve been, or all the work that’s left to be done, or the worry of my team mates, or the repercussions of this fall in our promotions, or a hundred other things that could be the reason of all my efforts to be garbage… No, I torture myself with the only thing morphine isn’t enough to cover completely. 

I can picture her worried face the day her niece was in surgery and I… envy it. Being someone important, being someone she cares about. God… I miss her voice. I miss her figure walking through our door and sitting in the sofa, laughing at Tae’s and Hoseok-hyung’s craziness… I miss her messy impromptu meals when Jin-hyung was away… I miss everything about her… and I want her here.

Why do I feel so… vulnerable? I’m fine.

Maybe I should take a little more of those pills, maybe I can fall asleep after…

“JIMIN!! OPEN THE DOOR”- I shake dreamland away with Tae’s screaming and knocking on the door. I must’ve locked it without noticing. It’s not Tae’s usual obnoxious happy scream… there’s terror in his voice.

“JIMIN!!! PLEASE!!”- this time it’s Jin-hyung- “ NOONA…”- without any other word I jump (literally) out of the bathtub and wrap myself in a towel stepping out in the hallway. Water dripping everywhere.

“What the heck?”- The hallway is empty- “Where…?”

“OUT!”- Tae’s voice cracking from the excess of volume. I walk as fast as I can, droplets dripping down my back. I can see all of Bangtan outside, paralysed, looking at the wall outside our door. I walk passed the door and there, I see her. Knees hugged back at her core body sobbing tears and trying to air. Sweat on her temples and shivering from both terror and cold, she’s soaked with sweat- “noona…”

“Noona, look, he’s fine… he’s fine”- Jin-hyung tries to make her look at me, but she doesn’t respond. Her eyes fixed in some distant horizon. Frantic hiccuping for air, paler and paler every second. She’s shattered, there’s no other way to describe the sight. She releases her knees and I can see the shivering going on farther, she’s bumping her knees with the intensity of the trembles. 

“Do something!!”- Tae says backing up some steps- “She’s gonna suffocate…”

“Noona… Look at me”- I say kneeling besides her, the sting in my back almost making me throw up- “Look at me”- I pull her chin so she has to look at me. Our eyes lock and I feel her shivering stronger- “I’m fine. Look at me”- I say slowly- “I’m ok. It’s ok”- she blinks for the first time- “I’m fine… Noona, I’m fine”- her pupils shrink- “breathe… Noona, I’m fine”- and that’s it, after only seconds that felt more like hours, I got her back. She throws herself at me and cries, screams and drags her nails in my back hard enough to leave marks. 

“Jimin!! Jiminie!!”- she says over and over- “Jiminie!!… Jimin!!”- she holds my neck and presses her face in the crook of my neck. Checked shirt getting soaked with my un-wiped chest. - “I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry”

“Shh….”- with all the pain in my back I rub soothing circles everywhere I reach.

“Jiminie!!…I’m so… sorry”- she hiccups again.

“I know”- I try to sit, but the pain reaches and I flinch a little- “I… know”- I gasp but stay as still as I can. I let her cry everything she needs to. I can’t see her face, but I can feel all of her body shivering in my hold, gasps for air deeper and sharper. It’s happening again… she’s drifting away- “noona, look at me”- I push her to make eye contact again- “It’s gonna be ok. We’ll figure it out… stay with me”

“Jimin…”- but I interrupt her. For what I’ve been able to analyse of the whole situation, this thing that was happening might be more severe than I can handle… than any of us can handle.

“Do I have to do something? Should I give you something to help you calm down?”- she blinks and chokes on her own effort to breathe, but something takes over and she sinks her teeth in a crack of her lips making it bleed.

“There’s… pills and… a… jar of… liquid…in the… second drawer of… my night…”

“Ok…”- I look at Tae and nod. He leaves immediately. Namjoon-hyung looks at me and moves his lips so no sound can be heard.

“We have to get her to lay down”- he says- “I’ll do it”- he tries to get near us, but she starts to shiver as soon as she sees him enter our field. And I know that, in the state she is, it might be better if we do everything not to upset her anymore.

“Ok… I’ll pick you up. We’ll go to sleep… ok?- she nods. I know it’s gonna hurt like hell, but there’s nothing else I can do. Cause… God… I’m so scared… I’m even more scared than when I fell…- “One, two, three”- and making use of every little muscle that can take the weight I lift her. An explosion of stars under my eyelids. But everything is better when she wraps her legs around my waist and I put my hands under her tights to support her weight. She buries the top of her head in my neck and I can feel the constant puffs of air, the gasps that keeps on trying to air. I look at Jin-hyung that looks absolutely hysterical- “I’m fine”- I say to him- “Get Tae to bring the medicine to my bed… I might have to…”

“Just calm her down”- he says in a low voice- “We won’t come near”

“Okay”- I pass my fingers through her hair and her breathing catches for a second- “Let’s go to bed”- I walk slowly, fearing she would flip out with any little change of pace. I can hear her teeth clattering- “It’s gonna be ok”- I reassure again, not believing my own words. What the hell just happened? This is something that I’d never seen before. It’s like she’s… gone. Not the noona I know, not the person that’s always composed and controlled. Ssal’s not this trembling, small ball of fear. She’s not this person.

I get to my bedroom and look around. Hoseok-hyung and Tae might have to sleep elsewhere… I set her in my bed and sit besides her. She doesn’t let her grip of my neck go, but she untangles her legs. I push her carefully and look at her. She’s still shivering, but her breathing is getting better. 

God… I’m still using just the towel, my hair is drenched and… now she’s too.

“I need to bring a towel”- I say making her look at my eyes again- “we are dripping water. We need to get dry. I’ll bring clothes too…”- I stop and try to figure if she’d been listening.

“Ok”- she murmurs. So without leaving her eyes I reach to the closet and draw out two sets of clean towels, two plain white shirts and two pairs of black shorts.  I wrap one on her and rub it against her. She’s soaked. Not only of the remains of water of my body, but on her own sweat. How long was she out that door?- “I need to… get you out of these clothes”- she nods and rises her arms obediently. 

It’s quite more difficult for me. My heart doesn’t seem to want to decrease it’s rhythm and now it’s me trying to gasp for air. God… it’s not like I’ve lost my self-awareness like she has… I still like this person sitting in front of me… how am I suppose to…? 

She lowers her arms little by little and I decide to give it my all and go for it before she gets tired, so I close my eyes and pull the shirt off in one go. I take my white shirt and put it on her trying to concentrate totally on buttoning up and not on… everything else.

I get her up an her jeans slipping them off easily and trying my black shorts on her. She’s so thin… so very thin that they slip out. I make use of the lace and tie it tight enough for them not to fall at night.

“Jimin…”- I hear from the door. It’s Tae back with the two little bottles and a glass of water. I look at Noona and she blinks, almost like giving me permission to go get the stuff. I help her sit down in my bed and go to Tae- “Is she…?”

“… gonna be alright? I have no idea…”- I say- “tell Jungkook to ask Nana about it… she might know something useful”

“ok”- he says and leaves. When I turn around Noona is looking at me, somehow perplexed, somehow confused. She reaches out for the pills and the water and I give them to her. She takes two in her hands and swallows them. I take the chance to make her lay down.

“I need the drops too”- she says looking at me, sorrow in her eyes- “They help me breathe better”

“Ok… how many?”

“… 20, probably”- she whispers and nervously starts to scratch the back of her neck.

“Stop…”- I reach for her arm and pull it back to it’s original position- “everything’s gonna be ok”

“I’m sorry”- she hums.

“It’s ok, we’ll figure everything out”- I say again. I’m starting to feel that if I repeat it enough it’ll come true- “I’m gonna get changed… can you close your eyes?”

“Mmm”- she shuts her eyes hard, eyelashes trembling with the force of it. I can’t help to smile… she didn’t care for me to look at her… but she cares looking at me. It’s kind of contradicting… but I guess it’s just the way she is. I dry myself and get into my clothes, then I ruffle my hair with the towel to get it as dry as possible.

“I’m done”- she half opens her eyes and I can see sleep in them. She has to be tired, specially after all that trembling.- “Let’s get to sleep”- Me too. It’s been a hell of a day and everything’s hurting, my body (morphine long out of my system) but mostly… all the unanswered question running wild in the chaos of my mind.

“Jimin…”- she says when I get into bed- “I’m sorry”

“I know”- I say running my fingers through her hair. She gets near, shyly. It’s not like we haven’t done this before. I have felt her sleeping neatly in my arms before. But this time it’s different. She comes to me, she wants my arms, she needs me. I let her adjust to her heart’s content. One arm tangled around my waist and another passed between the little space my neck and the pillow. I pass my arm around her shoulders and pull her more closely. This time, it’s the two of us, moving forward to meet in the middle. There’s no me, there’s us.

“I’m sorry”- she breathes out again, little puffs of air hitting my chest. It’s so right… so, so right.

“I know”- I whisper in her ear.

She stills, and after a few minutes, relaxes in my arms. Breathing steadying minute by minute. I can’t keep myself from slide hands on her sides, on her back, trying to get her warm.

It hurts, every little movement… but I’ve never felt better. Never.

“Morning”- I say. It’s been at least 30 minutes since I woke up, but I didn’t dare to move. I didn’t want her to wake up frightened- “Did you have some rest?”

“Mmm”- she mumbles. Every bat of her eyelashes getting rid of the remains of sleep- “Hi”- soar voice from crying aloud so much. She stays there, between my arms, no attempt to move away. I too, stay there, watching her eyes. 

She’s wonderful, so different to me. So different to any of us. Big doe honey eyes, natural deep double eyelid, long brown eyelashes, pointy nose and sun touched skin. Slightly parted pale pink lips where I could take a peek of her straight white teeth. A mole decorating the lower left corner of the lip. I look at her eyes after traveling for every feature of her face. 

She doesn’t seem too uncomfortable with my eye’s detail inquiry over every little skin spot I can reach, so I keep on traveling. She has this little spot on the corner of her left eye, this brown, reddish mark that looked mostly like something out of her genetic pattern. I go down, her collarbones sticking to my white shirt, a little of her bra strap showing out. Her long arms decorated with her unique kind of skin. Not completely smooth, mostly decorated with little pieces slopes, similar to the skin of an orange but even smaller, almost undetectable. The hand I hold religiously. I can feel her moving her fingers a little. There’s a scar in her wrist and I panic a little.

“I had an accident with a cutter when I was in college”- she shows the scar and then another one in the inside of her thumb- “I was making a box and the cutter slipped from the metal ruler, I had a few stitches”

“Did it hurt?”

“Not that much… I bled a lot, but there was someone that knew what to do and he kept me calm”

I trace my fingers on the scars, mostly out of curiosity. The texture was different to the rest of the skin, it felt a little colder than the rest of it. I can’t keep myself from falling deeply in thought. It’s different, feeling her, watching her from no distance whatsoever. Her skin, the brown flaw in the corner of her eye, the scars… she seemed so perfect from afar, she seemed… complete. But I guess everyone has a story to tell.

“Jimin…”- she tries to say, but I beat her for a second.

“Yesterday…”- but I’m too afraid to keep on going. She sweeps a strand of hair blocking my eyes.

“Yesterday?”- her smile flickers for a second… is it too early?

“Ummm”- I half- reply waiting for her not to read a lot in my concerned voice. She takes a deep breath, smile cracking form the corner of her lips and fingers interlocking a little more in between mine, she starts playing with my fingers while looking elsewhere. It’s like she’s trying to recall everything that happened yesterday. 5 minutes later, she start speaking in a low tone voice.

“It’s called a… panic attack”- I take a hold of her other hand, the one that keeps nervously wandering in the space between us. There’s even more questions after hearing that, even more cause I hadn’t even thought of the possibility of this happening for so long. I let her take her time to explain, but she seems to have an internal struggle to keep on going.

“I… need to know”- I whisper, trying not to sound as desperate as I really am.

“It’s… complicated”- she shifts her body a little so she can focus in anything different than me- “I’m really sorry you had to see me in that state”

“I thought you would die on me”

“It’s not like that”- she chuckles and it’s the most wonderful sound on earth- “I… have medication and I take it everyday… it’s what keeps me sleepy, but I have to take it”-she lets out a heavy sigh and starts playing with her lips, so I tighten the grip of her hand and rub circles in the back of it- “Yesterday was a particularly bad day… I’m sorry”- she sighs- “I couldn’t… control it. Not after hearing about your accident…”- she grits her teeth. I have so many questions, but the first one is answered inmediately, like she’d been reading my mind-“The first one… I had it in Wolmido”- she says smiling and looking up to the ceiling.

“That’s why you disappeared?”

“Yeah… I was in the hospital”

“Why didn’t you called…?”- but then I remember. I’m not… I’m anyone. Not the first person to give notice when something like this happened.

“Not that I didn’t think about it”- she says smirking, she adjusts her body, moving a little away from me. Cold air intruding in between us… and it’s so uncomfortable- “I really… couldn’t get you out of my head”- she looks at me between her bangs and sighs- “specially after what had happened in the hostel… and I know I should’ve approached you sooner and tried to talk to you. But this… thing. Every time I tried to get near you, my heart would start racing and I had to gasp out for air.”- she holds my hand and looks away trying not to cry but tears are already coming down from the outside corner of her eyes-“and I know I can’t just keep quiet… so”- She looks right into my eyes and I feel it, the complete honesty and surrender- “Seongsaengnim told me right after Nana’s surgery”- I’m not expecting a heart to heart right now. Our… history can wait for later. For now I just wanna know about this panic attacks. But somehow, I feel like I should just let her speak, let it out- “Honestly, it shocked me. I didn’t know what to do, cause, at that time you were just my cute doengsaeng, someone that I was getting to know…”-  she takes a deep breath and then another before resuming- “And I fought it, I fought the thought of… us.”- she bites her lip and let another sight through her abused lip- “If age and ethnicity isn’t big of a problem… it’s all the other stuff that makes me restless”- It’s confusing, every little thing that leaves . I cannot understand what kind of struggle she’s been fighting alone all this time.

“Noona…”

“I need to tell you”- she says smiling- “Cause it’s not your fault Jimin. It’s really not. You are ing ideal… but I’m just… ed up”- every word more like a whisper than the other- “and it’s not fair for you to be trapped with this. I cannot appear in your doorstep like this every time it hits me…”- she trembles a little and shifts to look at my eyes again- “This panic attacks… are the result of a lot of difficulties in my personality. Since I was young, I had the need to  push people away. And the reason is because I’m terrified of people…”- she swallows hard but continues- “I don’t want people around and I’ve been doing a hell of a job keeping it that way… till you”- she smiles a little and stops for a minute. Her legs shift a little and rose with mine… a shiver spreads from there to the crown of my hair. I can tell, I’m in an alert state, not just because everything she’s revealing, but because I know that it goes on the way it is, she’s gonna start having another of this so called panic attacks- “And that’s what I figured it be best to to do, push you away… but, it was different than before. I mean, I had work with you, and I… liked you and the others and I couldn’t just run away. So I thought I should get you time to… stop liking me. Cause…who would ever like me after really getting to know me?”- I feel tears coming to my eyes. How can she say this?- “and you deserve so much better than me”- I run my hand through her face again, more to stop me from crying than to sooth her- “And so, I decided to show you, how horrible I am… but you didn’t back away. You stood… and contrary of what I had wanted… I started loosing the control over my own feelings, cause every time I saw you my heart fluttered and, I started thinking what a great person you are and the way you smile and made my day better. And I started imagining how it would be… to be with you.”- It takes my breath away. Is she… confessing?- “and this is… exactly what triggered them”- she looks at me and bites her lower lip hard. I run my fingers through her chin and make her relax the grip of her hand on mine a little- “The anxiety of trying to control my feelings, the mixture of morals and negative thoughts, the self inflicted need to make myself being the worst case scenario for a relationship… and the pathological fear of loving you”- I’m breathless, the mere realisation of everything she had been through to accept the fact that she has feelings for me is something I cannot even begin to understand, but this… I had always thought on how hard would be for others to accept us, but I wasn’t aware of the inside war she’d been living.

“I… like you”- it’s the only thing that lingers in my brain at this moment. And I say it, again and again.

“I know”- she says after a while- “And I’m so sorry…”

“I love you”

She opens and closes it. Nothing leaves her lips. She’s astonished, no need for a genius to notice. Actually, I am too. I wasn’t planning to confess like this, so bluntly…

“I…”- she tries but I interrupt her. She’s way too frightened to think straight.

“You don’t have to say anything. I, just wanted you to know, from my own lips”- I pull her again trying not to sound as flustered as I am. She looks at me straight and I see a little light of determination through her eyes.

“I’m terrified Jimin. I’m so scared about everything that’s been going on. It’s too much for me to take… I mean, the job it’s so damn absorbent and then I got the other kids and Taku… my niece and… you. And I feel like I could explode in every second, I’m like a ticking bomb, and I don’t wanna stain you all… I can’t drag you all to this”

“You are not a ticking bomb Noona”- I say pulling her closer and resting her head in my chest. She’s breathing hard again- “You are not gonna hurt anyone”

“I am, I already did”- she says- “I hurt you”

“I’m hurt, yes”- I answer immediately- “but it’s nothing you cannot heal”

“Jimin…”- she says- “I’ve… been going to therapy. But I’m really ed up, like really ed up. 

This is a pathology. It’s not gonna disappear from one day to another ”- I run my fingertips through her sides to calm her down a little. Goosebumps all over her arms- “no magic to work…”

“But I love you noona”

“I…”

“We’ll work it out. Together”

“I don’t wanna drag you down with me”

“I’m as down as I can be”- I smile, it’s the first real smile I can give after Wolmido. I know it’s gonna be difficult and the way up might be hell, but there’s nothing more painful than being away- “Let’s climb up together”- I whisper to her ear- “Don’t leave me alone in this… We need each other”

“… yeah”

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Monstrous chapter!!! God… I’ve been trying to save a subject (I’m in the brink of failing it) and I wasn’t able to edit this monstrous thing to my satisfaction by last week. Although I did make it on time with my Jimin fanart project XD. Wanna share it with you guys:

21 Park Jimin Illustrations to celebrate his birthday. Part 1, Part 2, Part3. 

Thanks for reading!