Entropy
One more dayThe light hurts my eyes. It’s not the normal sunny light, it feels weird. No warm, no real feel to it. I realise I don’t even have my eyelids open yet. The light hurts through them. Why can’t I open my eyes?
“… she’s fine”- I hear in the distance- “She’s just… resting now. Nana, calm down. She passed out due to exhaustion… Nana… listen to me. Calm down now!”- It’s Taku’s voice. Why can’t I open my eyes?- “I’ll talk to the doctor further when she wakes up… Yes… yes, I’ll call you as soon as I know anything else… Yes, I’ll make her call you when she regains consciousness”
“Taku…?”- I finally have the strength to talk to him, voice hoarse and pained.
“Oh God. Nana, I’ll call you later. Bye”- I feel his weight at the side of my bed and turn to look at him, still lying in the bed- “Ssal…?”
“Where am I?”
“Hospital, you passed out”
“What? What happened…?”
“You passed out”
“Seriously Takuya”- I glare at him, a mixture of confusion and annoyance taking over. I try to remember but I can’t seem to get anything back.
“They are running tests, but the doctor said in the preliminary examination that you were dehydrated and hypothermic…”- It doesn’t make sense to me… why would I ever pass out?- “What the hell were you doing walking downtown, dressing like that in a -3 degree weather?”- I have no answer to give him, I cannot recall anything, he seems to understand, since he keeps going without waiting for the reply- “how do you feel?”
“Sincerely?”- he nods. The dizziness that takes over when I try to move, it makes me stumble in the bed, but I get up regardless- “tired, exhausted… and for some reason, sorrowful…”
“Mmm”- he mumbles- “they gave you an IV in the emergency room, but since you weren’t coming back to senses they had to admit you”- he sighs again. His skin white pale, worry in his eyes. I can relate to the feeling, it’s not cool, not when you are in the side to worry- “It was hell, when they called me… Damn”
“I’m sorry Taku”- I sit up slowly, my limbs hurt, so does my head- “I listed you as my emergency contact… I know you were working…”
“This is not a ing burden Stefany. I love you, It’s more than obvious that I would toss everything to come see if you were still alive…”- he shifts in the chair. The silence consumes us for a few minutes- “… I called Nana, she was worried cause she talked to Kook and he said you disappeared early in the morning and no one knew about you. I bet the kid is worried too…”-The sole mention of him made my hands tremble. Patches of memory coming back like a thunder. He must’ve seen the change of stance since he deepens in the topic- “… What happened? You remember something… and it’s something about him”- the whole thing comes back to me, the yelling, his hurt eyes and the flee from the hostel- “That’s why you were roaming around in the streets?”- I avoid his eyes and feel my throat drying up- “Ssal! What happened?”- I feel my heart racing in my rib cage, palms sweating profusely in just a few seconds- “did he confronted you?”
“…y… yeah”- I gulp loudly- “He… found out, and it was horrible, and I didn’t know what to do, or say. I did nothing Taku. I just stood there… I…”- I feel my head cloudy, vision blurry, reality fuzzy.
“Ssal…”-He pulls me into a tight hold - “Calm down”
“I’m so sorry Taku…”- I manage to say gasping for air- “fell for him. I fell for him when you said I shouldn’t and I…”- I feel pressure in my chest, making breathing a hard task- “I hurt him… and I… I just wanted to make him smile… I wanted to help them…”- I plea, feeling the weakness in every word.- “I just want him happy. It’s all I want. I’m so sorry…”
“Ok”- He hugs me so hard I feel his heartbeat in my ears- “It’s fine, just… calm down. Well figure it out”
“I hurt him Taku… He… he hates me now”- I cry harder- “I… It’s my fault… I’m not…”
“Shhh”- he seesaws me in his arms- “Breath…. Nurse!”
The white noise in my ears and I know it’s happening again, whatever happened in Wolmido’s streets it’s happening again.
“I see you’re up”- the voice of another person brings me down to earth. A white coated doctor gets in the room without even knocking. He approaches me and shoves Taku. The doctor lifts my chin and makes me look into his eyes- “It’s fine. You are good, don’t worry. Breath in”- he mimics and I try to gasp for air, but end up coughing- “good girl, now breath out”- I try to do, not with much better results- “Again, breath in, breath out”- I try again, this tim without the coughing. He keeps mimicking for me to keep the pace. After a few seconds, I feel the lightheadedness starting to fade- “Good. You ok?”
“Y.. yes”- I manage to say.
“Great, it’s been nearly two hours since you were admitted. I was beginning to worry… your vitals are good, but I was worried nonetheless”- doe like eyes and full lips still near my face. The doctor smiled and walked to grab the chair across the room to sit at my side- “You hit your head pretty hard when you passed out”- I reach the back of my head and I feel the little loop and a little pain across it- “Doctor Kwon Youngji, nice to meet you”- he extends a hand and I take it.
It’s weird for Koreans to shake hands but I’m even more surprised by his good will to talk. Not many doctors take fainting cases and almost always sent nurses to do the explaining. It was not a good sign if the doctor was right there to talk to us.
“What… happened to me?”- I ask while he sits next to me in a chair.
“No memory? At all?”- he asks while taking the ophthalmoscope to examine my eyes. I blink at the direct’s light exposure, but he keeps examining me without interruption.
“I… do remember I was walking around Wolmido… but nothing after…”
“Ok, that’s normal”- he says- “You have a little contusion but it’ll be fine with some anti-inflammatory”- he checks my pulse. I look at Takuya and I notice he’s breathing soundly. Panic in his eyes.
“Doctor, are the results ready?”- he asks after he sees the doctor writing in a paper.
“Yes”- he says- “As I already suspected she’s severely dehydrated, anaemic and fatigued. You have being having trouble eating don’t you?”- I nod- “You’re blood pressure is way up for someone your age… well it’s all normal for your field of work…”- I look at Takuya and he nods, he must’ve taken care of filling up my info- “and it seems your body is not processing vitamin C properly so that’s another problem well address later. We gave you an IV to regain liquids, the anaemia it’s gonna take a little longer and you’ll have to take full treatment for it, but… what worries me the most… it’s the circumstances of your fainting”
“Wasn’t it the dehydration…?”- Takuya asks.
“Nope”- he looks at Takuya and takes a second to return to look at me- “Do you want to talk about it privately?”
“I… no, he’s family”- Taku sits down besides me and grabs my hand. The gesture is nice, but for some reason I’m starting to freak out. I know it must be bad if the doctor had asked.
“Ok”- the doctor shifted in his sit- “I’m gonna try to make the big picture understandable for both of you. I believe you have developed a… condition. Your anxiety levels are pretty high, and that causes a lot of functions in your body to increase. Adrenaline and all sorts of stuff going straight into your bloodstream, but the thing is that while your body is trying to process it all, your brain is making more and more because of your constant state of hysteria and it ends up overloading your senses. That causes the total shut down you experiencing earlier today. It’s an auto-defence mechanism that the body uses to prevent the vital organs from shutting down”- I nod, knowing that he must come to a conclusion sometime soon- “The name is: panic attack”- I feel the weight of a car in my chest- “I need to tell you, this too is pretty common in the kind of industry you work in. It’s the pressure, the stress… the lack of self-care and the emotional trouble”
“What…?”- I feel how the pool of worries start to wash me over, I can see it in Takuya’s eyes too.
The doctor continued explaining, the events that could’ve made it happen, the cold sweat and tachycardia, hyperventilation and numbness, the lightheadedness and the resulting passing out. He never left my eyes, trying to explain the most with the soothing tone of voice. I start to picture it step by step. I started having the panic attack as soon as the guys found me sitting in Jimin’s lap this morning.
“I… Is it possible to last hours?”
“Yes, it can last hours, depending on your state of mind. It can also take over during minutes. You were starting to have another one when I came in”- he continued- “Listen, this… it’s treatable, but you’ll need counselling”- I freeze.
“Counselling?”
“Yes, definitely. Panic attacks aren’t a physical problem that can be controlled just with medication. You have to work it out of your system.”
“I… can’t…”- I feel the sudden rise on the palpations again- “I have a job, and a normal live… I’m not crazy…”
“Look at me”- the doctor said and he locked eyes with me- “breath in, breath out”- I do as he says- “You just need to talk about the stuff that’s bad, with someone. Get things going your way…. there must be an identifiable problem that triggers it, since you already experimented another one”- Of course there is, it’s more than obvious: Jimin- “People tent to deviate their problems and store them in their minds, but what they don’t understand is that body and mind are quite bounded. Not everyone is this sensitive… it’s pretty ed up that this kinds of things happen to people as young as you are, but I know that you can make it”- he smiles and reaches for his pocket grabbing a little piece of paper- “I have a friend in Seoul near the Hongdae area. He can help you with exercises and medication”- he hands me the card- “Please, go see him. Since it’s not a physical problem I can’t make you take the treatment, but this sudden attacks are dangerous, specially in your current state of health. You can have them in the most inconvenient situations… while driving or in the middle of a swim… I mean, that’s not the only aftermath, you can have a heart attack if your levels of adrenaline triggers too much”- he smiled again and takes my hand into his rubbing little circles in the back of my hand reassuringly- “Please, think about it… I’ll go set your discharge, just go out whenever you feel good, ok?”- I nod. He smiles again- “You can get your anaemia prescription downstairs, just present your id and they will get it for you… my number is in the bottle. Please call if you have any doubts or… anything, ok?”- I nod again and without anything further he leaves. I look down to my hands. The IV still canalised in my vein, grabbed with a couple pieces of tape. A little blood coming up plastic tube.
“I don’t like him… how could he be flirting with you while you were his…?”
“He was just being nice”- I move my hands and I can still feel the sweat on them… it’s so difficult to get it. How did I manage to get this?- “Damn… Panic attacks?”
“Don’t”- he lays at my side- “It’s not like you have made this upon yourself…”
“But I did. It was a chronicle of a death foretold”- I nuzzle against him- “I knew I was over-working… and… I can’t handle my own emotions…”- I chuckle nervously- “I’m just a really ed up child, just as Yoongi said”
“We are all ed up Ssal”- Takuya snorts - “you just need help, to unravel your thoughts and feelings. You heard the man, it’s normal nowadays…”
“Normal…”- I repeat as it echoes my mind. I’ve always known, I’m not normal, not at all. The “normal” behaviour was never the one I was able to relate to. Just knowing that at this age I had manage to keep every single promising prospect of a healthy relationship and drifted apart from everyone that made sense in my life… I am the fitting description of a socially dysfunctional person.
The rambling thoughts that keeps chaos on my mind makes me ignore whatever goodwill words Taku is saying at my side. I can catch an “everything will be ok” and a “I’ll take care of you” but nothing further, nothing that could make me feel all of this is real.
“I’m tired Taku”- I say interrupting him- “Can I sleep a little more?”
“Of course”- he says- “Doctor said you could stay till you were feeling better…”
“You should go eat something”- I say, he tightens the grip of my hand. I know he’s not willing to leave me alone- “It’s not like I can escape with all this things holding me down Taku. I’ll just take a nap. Go and have a good meal… we can go back to Seoul when you come back”- He nods. It takes more time that it should, but he gets ready and steps out of the room not before looking at me with the same worried look he had when I woke up.
Five minutes after he leaves I take my handphone and google: Panic attacks leads to… panic disorder: more than one panic attack a day… Problems with managing anxiety, triggering… negative self-talk, withheld… feelings. Me in a shell. I keep on reading other pages: …while a single panic attack may only last a few minutes, it can also take hours to develop. Emotional tolls, impact in self-confidence, the fear of fearing… Symptoms: phobic avoidance: avoid the thing that caused the previous panic attack…
Till Taku came back, I’d racked my brains to come with a plan for me to be able to keep on working and at the same time managing the attacks, but I wasn’t able to come with anything so far. So the only rational result was taking the counselling.
I needed the therapy if I wanted to function.
And yes, I was having another breakdown just thinking about it.
The dark future was never a thing that held me down in my knees… but this time, it was definitely terrifying. The uncertain… what sets off the attacks, what if I have one while working. What if… what if I cannot comeback to work? What if I was never going to be able to handle it and I just shut down every time a somthing got out of control?
It’s horrible, the unknown.
I’m scared of the future, of what I would have to face to learn to manage the attacks. I was afraid of most of the things I had to do when I get back on track. Just thinking about seeing Jimin again, his reaction… or the lack of it… it makes me feel frozen.
The sound of my cellphone vibrating against the wood of the nightstand makes me slip out of the train of thoughts.
Changseong. I had forgotten, they were still in the middle of the photoshoot. I click the answer button and as soon as I get my ear in the speaker a heavy sigh goes down it.
“Oh God… thank God. Ssal?”
“Yes”
“Where the hell are you?”- Changseong’s voice in the phone is almost desperate- “We were ing worried Ssal”
“I’m sorry, something came up and I had to leave”
“Without telling anyone! The ing cellphone Ssal, you could’ve picked up the first 100 times I called!”
“Yeah, sorry”
“You aren’t gonna tell me anything more, are you?”
“… sorry”
“Stop apologising”- he sighs at the other side of the phone- “just tell me you are ok”
“I’m ok”- the silence filling my lie.
“…ok”- he says- “You’re in Seoul?”
“Mmm”- I mumb- “Do we have everything? Can we start editing?”
“We?”-he says sarcastically- “no, we aren’t gonna do anything. I, and my team are”
“Chang…”
“Stefany stop taking so many stuff in your hands”- he said- “We are one location from being over with it, the hotel scenes are gonna be taken tomorrow in the morning. You don’t have to come, I’m just telling you”- I sigh- “Just concentrate in the production of the cd. I can manage the photobook… you can just sign the approval”
“What does make you think that I would JUST sign the approval?”
“Cause you love my work, and I can lead the graphic team. We have the general directions in the manual you took time to write, so let’s just hope we all are as intelligent as you are and get the things done right”- I now it’s true and that’s one of the things I need to fix… trust people.
“The kids…?”- I know that everyone that had to know what happened, knew by now, but I didn’t wanna be obvious and ask just for Jimin.
“They’re fine”- he said- “How about you? Jin said you weren’t looking well when you left”
“… just hanging in there”- I’m leaning in my bed shifting from one side to another- “so you’ll come back to Seoul tomorrow night?”
“Yes”- he doesn’t push it further and I thank him silently- “We need at least two days to edit the photos and then we can print the prototypes for Bang-PD to approve, so I think we are gonna make the deadline. Production must start in a week or so, and we’ll start releasing teasers. God… comeback is four weeks away and I feel like it’s gonna hit us like a truck”
“We can only work for everything to come out perfectly”
“Yeah…”- he sighs. I listen to someone’s wailings in the background.
“What was that?”
“Tae… he’s been trying to keep everyone in a good mood, but it seems Yoongi had enough of it…”
“Is that noona?”-Jin’s voice sneaks by the speaker- “let me speak to her please”- the sole fact that Seokjin wants to talk to me, after everything that had happened gave me the chills, but I knew that I had to face them sooner or later. And… I really needed to hear their voices.
“Ssalie, Jin wants to…”
“It’s ok, let him…”
“Hello?”- the rush in his voice makes me realise how much he must’ve been worried.
“Hi”- he let’s a sigh scape his lips.
“God… we were… I thought something had happened to you noona”- he said- “is everything ok?”
“Yeah”- I look up and suddenly the celling seems more interesting than anything I had ever seen before. The silence is tick and I know neither of us wants to break it, but someone had to and I guess it had to be me- “Seokjin… is he around?”
“No”- he answers- “he’s in the other room, there’s an intense Mario race going on between him and Hoseok”
“… is he ok?”
“He says so”- smile in his voice- “he says he’s fine, he acts like he’s fine, but I can’t believe him. Just like I cannot believe you are ok either”
“… I…”
“You don’t have to tell me anything. Really. I just wanted to… God, we wanted to hear your voice”
“I know, me too”- tears threatening to fall- “I’m so sorry Jinnie”
“For what?”
“You tried to help me… to advise me and now we are in this kind of situation”
“Don’t even think about it noona”- his soothing voice low and sincere. I know he’s walking away from the noisy room, probably rambling in the halls to prevent someone eavesdropping- “It’s not about me, or Yoongi, or Hoseok. This is all about you and Jiminie. But that doesn’t mean we don’t worry”
“I thought you all would hate me… as much as he hates me now”
“Why would I ever…?”- he sighs again- “and he doesn’t hate you either… I don’t think he could ever hate you”
“You didn’t see that look in his face”
“I did, and all I saw was confusion and hurt”- he quickly replies- “Noona, he’s scared too. Don’t even try to rationalise into this. He had his hopes up and today everything went down like a card castle… he doesn’t know that you like him back. He’s in the dark and that’s what makes me uncomfortable, cause I’m keeping it away too. But I know this is something I cannot say, it’s not my secret to reveal… but it’s hurting”
“Seokjin… I’m not ok”
“I know”
“I… I’ll fix it”
“… you will. When time comes”
“Jin…”
“Mm”
“Thank you”- I say- “Rest well… can you tell Yoongi and Hoseok that every thing is ok?”
“Yes”
“Thank you… for worrying. Good night Jinnie”
“Noona”- he says before I can hang up- “I would really like to see you two happy, together… you both deserve it”
“Deserve…”
“Yeah. Good night”- and without anything further, he hangs up.
The clock in my wall keeps ticking rhythmically: 7:30 pm… Sleep is furtive.
I sit in the cold and rigid bed and look at the clock hands, moving slowly. Time doesn’t seems to keep on going. I’m frozen in the same place, in the same moment.
It hurts, all my body. I feel drained, and I know I need to fight it, I need to fix it, I can’t surrender… but I’m too stale, beaten.
No, I can’t… I can’t feel like this.
I needed to ing function. We are 3 days away from deadline and my team needed me, in all sanity. From there on, we will be working a little less, little touches here and there. Next month was more than anything dedicated for the kids to plan special stages and to learn the choreographies thoughtfully. There was also the rumour of a large tour (Asia, Australia and America) so if it was true the PD would make it official after the album production, and there would be another rush of work to be done.
God… so much stuff left to do and I had the nerve to have a breakdown… I have never been one to leave things undone, not when people were in the line and I am responsible of it.
I’m aware that the hypothermic effects in my body were still there. I feel stiff and my joints hurt when I move. I would really like to take a warm bath, but moving it’s such a pain in the … like literally. But I need to start getting ready to leave the hospital, so I call the nurse and she get’s the iv out of my arm. She hands me my clothes and I can see it, in the hem of my hoodie, the coffee stain that had been spilled the day before while taking care of the budget. I hadn’t change my clothes in two days, I had slept in that uncomfortable hostel settee with the same clothes I was wearing yesterday.
I slip through the hoodie and pull my pants up, and the nurse goes away. I sit in the bed again and wait for Takuya to return, hugging my knees and bring them closer to keep all the warmth I can. The pressure makes me aware of the fact that I haven’t being able to breath thoughtfully, so I take a deep breath. Jimin’s fresh honey cologne, musky and strong wood-like fragrance seeps through my nostrils. How could he have impregnated my clothes with his scent in just a few hours of sleep…?
And I can still picture him. Heavy eyelids waving in disorientation, strands of hair everywhere, swollen lips… the pacifying smell, the weight of his arms around my waist and the slight air stream that moved my hair under his chin. It was perfect, I fit perfectly, there, like it was made for me…
It’s hard to believe that the person that was holding me so affectionately in the morning was so far away from my reach than anyone else in the world. The one that wanted to hold me, the one that was always looking in my direction… the one I wanted to feel by my side, and I pushed him away.
I take my hoodie off and hug it, burring my nose in the back of it. His sweet scent stronger than before…
It’s moments like this when I know how ed up I really am. When just days ago, I would’ve done the impossible for him to stop liking me… and then today I want to be in his arms, I really want the warm, I want to fit in his chest and I want his strong arms around me, pulling me back to earth. This moments when I know I’m just seconds away from going completely mad from loneliness, when I want to depend on someone and feel hands patting my sides, my back. I want to tell him all about my frights, about the fear of the future, the weakness and the disability to… do anything about it.
Cause I am terrified. Cause I know anything would come back to what it was before. Cause I really need him.
But is it that bad? Is it really that bad that I want him to smile and tell me that everything is gonna be ok, I want to feel his heartbeat in my ears until I fall asleep…I don’t wanna be alone…
So selfish.
So detestable.
So rotten.
It’s not like I… deserve it. Not when I hurt him.
I had battered and bruised him, when all he gave me was his sincere love.
It’s not like I had the right to love him. It’s not like I could ever had the right.
A ring interrupts my thoughts. It’s a kalkao notification.
Oh… again, the negative talk. God, I really need the therapy.
Noona. I… I’m too much of a coward to call and tell you but…
I wanna date your niece. 7:48 p.m
I can’t help the smile in my face. Kids are so strong this days. I’m really happy to know that at least my niece could be happy… and that I didn’t ed it up.
So? Date her. 7:48 p.m
Really? 7:48 p.m
Yeah, and I’m not a relievable source to ask for permission
of. I really ship you two, you know? 7:48 p.m
ㅎ_ㅎ 7:49 p.m
You are a good kid Jungkook. Just try not to torture my niece a lot, you have no idea how much power you have over her. 7:48 p.m
You have no idea how much power she has over me. 7:49 p.m
I would love to know exactly how much. 7:48 p.m
I flip my iPhone waiting patiently for a sassy response to my last message, but nothing comes forward. I look around and figure that Taku would appear through the door sometime soon, so I get up and knot the laces of my shoes, but the ring makes me stop when I was about to clutch.
Noona… You too… deserve a chance, you know? 7:50 p.m
I’m speechless, I didn’t think Jungkook knew about what was going on… but maybe it was just always me trying to hide the sun with a finger.
I didn't want to meddle in it since... well since no one
asked for my oppinion, but I can say Jimin-hyung may
be a little over-excited and he acts like a kid, but he
takes care of us. And he’s always working hard to… 7:51 p.m
I know all… I know who he is. It’s not about him Kookie.
The thing is… I’m not what he needs. 7:52 p.m
You might not be what he needs but you are
who he wants. And the question here is:
do you want him? 7:52 p.m
… I can’t be selfish Kookie. 7:52 p.m
Why not? He has, he wants you and he wants to be
with you. You can be as greedy and want to be with him.
You deserve as much too. 7:52 p.m
Deserve… that word… did I really deserve anything?
Yes. I want him. 7:55 p.m
In that moment Takuya comes back and sits at my side.
“I… know I technically have no right to have done it but…”- I deviate my look from the screen of my phone to look at him. He is playing with his fingers and bitting his lip nervously- “I called Dr. Kwon, the psychologist… and his secretary gave you a 7:30 a.m appointment, for tomorrow.”
“Ok”- I say looking at the last message- “I’ll go”
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