Interlude: Chance
One more dayI have always been like this. Actually I don't know for sure why I wished to become an idol, me being such a nutcase and everything, with this terrible personality that doesn't suit this kind of bussiness at all. I'm rather shy and akward with people I don't know and... besides I'm good with everything I try, there's nothing much more interesting about me.
That's why, I don't understand... why does people say they like me?
"... she really likes you"- I remember the first time I heared that from Ssal-noona- "she likes you because she says you are special"
I get it. I'm not stupid either. I'm not ugly, I'm not completly useless and I kind of had succed in what I wanted to do. I guess that's attractive for some people, but what it really freaks me is... they like me too much, just relying on what they see through the cameras. I cannot understand why... I cannot even if I want to. Sometimes, when we are holding fansigns and fan meetings, my fans tell me their secrets. Why? Why do they do it? It's not like I'm some sort of start that you can wish upon and make your wishes true. It's scary.
I can't understand... why am I special? What is it that I have and no one else? Do they really like me?
I've been having this problematic thoughts for a while, and it seems I cannot come to a conclusion on my own.
"You are her role model"- role model? wow... that made sense... something like that. Role model... just like G-dragon-sunbae for me. I pushed myself further just because I wanted to succeed, just like him. But they keep saying they do it just to be by my side, to feel they are at my level... my level? What freaking level? Why do they put their hopes on me?
"She didn't lay her dreams in your hands, she just needs your stubborness"- that kinds of makes sense too. I like it... I want to know more. I want to understand... to trully understand what goes around all those people that says that they like me. I want to know... how far from the thruth they are. I want to know more than anything right now... and that's why I'm here, in the middle of Lotte world, half disguessead hoping no one recognizes me while I wait for a girl I cannot even... understand.
A text makes my cel vibe:
I'm almost there. Sorry, I got lost in the subway :'( This is
too complicateeed!!! 6:50 PM
It's ok. I'm in front of the ticket box. 6:50 PM
I'm definitly lost... TT.TT 6:55 PM
Just ask someone... 6:56 PM
Got it!! I'm finally out!! On my way there, just wait a little
longer... I'm so sorry!! I'll buy you anything to make it up! 6:59 PM
I think no one had affected me so much in just a period of ten minutes. TEN FREAKING MINUTES!!
I won't lie, when I met her I had my hopes up, afterall, she is Ssal-noona's niece, and the apple doesn't fall far from the three... does it? I thought that way... that maybe she was deeper than all the others. That she wasn't gonna put all this on me, all that dreamy prince image they all have... that's not me at all. That maybe, she knew something about me, that she holded the secret beyond the overly excited fans, and... that she actually had seen something behind the scenes...
That was the reason I was so angry when we finally met. When I looked in her eyes and she had the same odd sparkling glitter in them. The same incondicional admiration, like she was seeing a god or something. I hated it. I hate that. It's like they look beyond me, it's like they're trying to see pass me, like they don't want to see me.
It was more than disappointing. I felt like I wanted to punch myself because of my own stupidity, because I was just too naive, because I was waiting for some kind of miracle... Damn, I was waiting for it so badly... And of course, it didn't moved in a better way after she suddenly fainted on me. Who on earth would suffer from apendicitis and don't even know about it... (other than Yoongi-hyung...)? I hated her for a second. How could she do that... to me?
And then... the self-loathed. I'm really like this. I do things on an impulse... I'm selfish, I'm a and a bastard, and I know.
After the ambulance took her and I saw Hoseok-hyung trying to calm Ssal-noona on the phone, after we were send back to the dorms and were waiting for any info... after I saw Ssal-noona thanking us for taking care of her niece. After all the shock and all the conmotion... There was only self hate left... How could I have done that? That girl... she really could've died on me... and the last thing I said was: let's see how long till she get's tired of us.
It was me all me, Jungkook the . I crashed her hopes because she crashed mine. I'm an , but an that knows when he's wrong, and the little concience that I have was killing me.
I couldn't wait to see her, I couldn't wait to apologize... I couldn't wait just to say how sorry I was, because I was so sorry. But when it finally came, after a week of terrible remourse... she didn't even looked at me in the eyes. It wasn't nice. I was hoping she would be all blushed and prepared to talk to me, the cold treatment wasn't expected. Hours of nice and comfotable talk with the hyungs (while Ssal-noona was snoring soundly in the background) and not even a glance from her. After three hours I was silently yelling for help, but no one seemed to get it... they were too engrosed by the talk, by the charm... by the real girl that was standing in front of me.
It was even worse when I noticed that it was trully her dream to meet us. She wasn't just Jeon Jungkook's fan. She knew about us, all. She loved Bangtan as a group and she was in love with our music. She even got into a existencial debate with Namjoon-hyung... Who is this girl? Who's this girl that can make all the hyungs so hanged up on her... of course, she's Ssal-noona's niece.
I listen carefully, to every question, every answer... she's so intelligent. She's definetly different from other fans. And now... Is she disapointed? I know I was more than rude when I met her... but I was so frustated... Does she hate me now?
"She won't ever, ever hate you"- Ssal-noona said- "...she saw it in your eyes"
By then I knew... everything I thought I knew from my previous experiences with the other fans... I knew she wasn't like that. I knew she was different... maybe not miraculous different, but she might have the answer I'm looking for. And that's how I gathered all my guts and pulled her to another room, because I need my answer.
She couldn't even meet my eyes, but she was nervous enough to play with her fingers... that same girl that hours ago was squeezing Namjoon-hyung's brain so hard, was now so recked by my presence... kind of cute
"I didn't want to be hidrance to you..."- she didn't even let me start. Her poor korean was being pushed to the limit with only those words, but she kept going-"I know I'm obnoxious, but I was so happy to finally meet you. And I... I'm sorry for bothering you. I swear I won't speak so much and I'll try to keep it to myself. I just want to say what I wanted to say that day... I actually had something thought for the day I finally met you but the circumstances..."- her eyes glued to the floor like trying to read a script- "I wanted to say: Thank you. For being you and for doing what you do. You inspire me and I want to thank you for it"- I was beyond surprised.... thank you? No one had ever told me that...- "That's it... I guess I should go back"
"Sorry"- my damn tongue. That was the only thing that came out, and it sounded so horribly dry and forced.
"For what? Don't worry... I know it's hard for you to handle fans. You were trying to escape from a load of them, and ended up with the worst of them all" - she laughed at her own realization, bringing her eyes up- "I'm sorry you had to take care of me. Thank you for that too"- she vowed the whole 90 degrees down - "ahhh, and thank you for taking care of my idiot aunt..."
"Could you please shut it a little?"- again... my ing rude tongue- "Sorry... for that. Can I... have your phone?"- I thought she was going to faint again, she was so white that Yoongi-hyung was a tone up.
"Are you asking for my phone number?"- she repeated as if she had caught it wrongly.
"I want to talk to you more... but I'm shy with people I don't know, so I guess is better if we get to talk a little by kakao..."- she got her phone out (the whiteness in her skin was starting to worry me)- "shake it"- and that was it, that was when it began:
U feeling better? 4:06 PM
Neeeeee :D 4:06 PM
How long are u gonna stay? 4:06 PM
The whole vacations 4:07 PM
And that's...? 4:07 PM
A month... It's been a week so... 3 more to go 4:07 PM
I hope to get to know u by then 4:08 PM
Me too. 4:08 PM
A little awkward in the beginning... but it was easy... she's such a cool girl. And boy she talks a lot... a lot.
Hey!!!! Wasssssup??? ㅌ.ㅌ 1:07 AM
Working 1:10 AM
Jaengbok jayaaaaa, uriii jaengbok jayaaa.... apujimalgoo
apujimalgoooo ♫ 1:11AM
U kidding me? ㄱ.ㄱ 1:07 AM
XD 1:07 AM
Sometimes it was me:
Hey! What r u doing? Today Yoongi-hyung and Namjoonie-hyung
asked 4 u. Are you doing well? 2:23 PM
Yes! I'm going back to ur building! Auntie said I could take
care of myself and Seunhyun-unnie was starting to get the
worst side of her, so she said we were moving back today
(she couldn't handle unnie anymore) 2:30 PM
Great! Then, can we visit? 2:32 PM
YES! 2:32 PM
Ok! 2:33 PM
Sometimes it was her:
U home?? 11:27 PM
Nope, studio with Suga n Rapmon-hyung 11:40 PM
Ahhhh..... I brought chicken leftoverssss 11:42 PM
I'm on a diet 11:42 PM
U losing weight??? Y??? 11:42 PM
I'm fat 11:42 PM
Ur not 11:42 PM
I need to excercise more 11:44 PM
U need chicken 11:44 PM
I need celery 11:44 PM
U need tteokbokki n galbi 11:44 PM
I need to work 11:44 PM
U need... Nutella n banana crepe 11:45 PM
Yes... I need nut n banana crepe 11:48 PM
And we ended up asking each other for favors...
Are you awake?
Can you do me a favor? I know you are tired and you are
probably doing something for the comeback but... I really
need background music for a proyect I've been doing for
school and... I thought you could... 1:15 AM
I can. What are you looking for? 1:15 PM
Can I send you the animation? It's just a minute and
something I think it would be nice like... a ballad or
something like that... 1:16 AM
She send the animation... it was damn good. I ended up doing the soundtrack for the last eight hours. Of course I used the oportunity to ask for a favo myself...
How about this lyrics? (attatchment: love_is_not_over.txt) 3:56 PM
It's a little vague in the middle... 4:15 PM
I thought so too... 4:15 PM
I think it's better if u link it with the feeling... not just the thought!
I mean if ur saying love it's not over, u have to show how's
not over or how u feel like ur still in love... the need n all the
fluff stuff. 4:15 PM
True 4:15 PM
Do. 4:15 PM
Yes mam' 4:15 PM
Sometimes it was just... us:
Did you watched the movie I send you? I cannot believe
you hadn't seen it! 3:47 AM
It was so good! It's my kind of stupid action movie. The
effects were really good, and the plot was easy to follow 3:55 AM
I know! Auntie and I love this kind too. We should get
together sometime and do a marathon 3:59 AM
What about tomorrow? 3:59 AM
Do you mean tomorrow, tomorrow or today? 4:00 AM
Untill the day came:
I... 12:11 PM
What? 12:11 PM
.... ㅎ-ㅎ 12:11 PM
Speak, don't make me repeat myself. 12:12 PM
Do u have time?... this week? 12:13 PM
No, practice all week long. 12:18 PM
Ok... 12:18 PM
Why? 1:13 PM
It's nothing 1:15 PM
Just tell me 1:15 PM
I was gonna invite u to Lotte world... 1:30 PM
I'm free Sunday night 1:35 PM
Is that an ok????!!!! 1:36 PM
Yeahh 1:36 PM
푸.푸 1:36 PM
ㅋㅋㅋㅋ 1:36 PM
It's been already two weeks since we visit her at Seunghyun-noona's house, two weeks where I tried my best to open up, two weeks where we constantly saw each other. And I have never been so wrong. My first impression was so incredibly wrong. She is so much more than just a fan. Nana is funny and cute... in her own, not korean girl style way. She would never do aegyo, but her actions are sweet and toughtfull. She's nice, well mannered and she cooks decently well. She's always trying to help around... maybe a family trait? No doubt about it.
Nana's a little bit taller than Ssal-noona, but not even near me. Long straight light brown hair and slight slaunt eyes with light orbs, a cute eye smile and this... overly warm feeling. It's kind of familiar, that warm something I feel when I go home. Right now, I cannot believe I only saw the radiant eyes that shooted stars and little hearts and ingnored the person that was behind that... was I the one prejudicing? maybe I was the one that was eager to see just the label... from the beginning.
Right now, it's not a chance I'm giving, it's more than that. I want the answer, I want to hear it... I want her to tell me. And that's why I accepted being here, I want to hear it from her lips...
"Hey!"- she approached me almost running. She was wearing skinny jeans and a hoddie that was a little too big for her- "It took me a while to get here... Subway is so difficult"
"Let's just say that... Did you left all your clothes spread through Noona's room?"- I ask cheekly- "I can say you used every outfit and setttled for the one that was the most "normal" of them"- she blushed so bad that she was almost steaming.
"I... did"- she admits grasping and trying to hide her face into the hoddie- "But it was because I knew you wanted to go unnoticed!"- she pointed out to me- "Look! I also bought a mask... my eyes are slaunted enough to pass for a koreanish girl, so I better cover the rest of my face. We might be even more blended in..."
"Sure..."- I check her out once again... as simple as it is, I like the attire. She's comfortable and, I like comfortable the best.
"This is not a date"- she says looking at my eyes, she might have felt a little judged by my staring- "There's no need for me to wear a dress"- did she repeated that over and over untill she was convinced of it? I can almost picture her in front of the mirror repeating it like a mantra. I cannot help to smirk.
"It's true"- I dare to say- "You can wear whatever, you're not gonna change into a princess wearing a dress. I like converse though"
"I know"- she said giggling and pouting at the same time. I find it cute... She wears the mask and walks to the ticket box- "2 tickets please"- I go behind her and pull my wallet, but she stops me mid air- "I'll buy! I want to thank you for all the inconvinience... I was the one that invited you anyways"
"Your korean has gotten better"- it's the only thing I can say. It's not a common thing in Korea, girls don't ever pay. Never.
"I've been studying while auntie is working. Talking to you by kakao had helped too"- she comments giving the saler the money- "Tae and Jimin are nice to me too, so we keep in contact a lot... It's nice having friends... ahhh oppas?"
"That's good, it's good having a doengsaeng"- I mess with her hair a little. It has a nice feeling... not quite the same texture of korean hair, her hair it's thicker but soft. It's been a while, since I sincerly smiled like that (with someone different than the members and the staff).
We did fun stuff, amusement park stuff. Oh God... it's been so long since I could do this. Since I could stuff myself with food and play without being followed by cameras... And what I liked the most out of it is that she was enjoying it too. Maybe a little too much.
"I know I can win you on this"- she takes the ball and goes for the basket. Even when she isn't that tall, she's definetly good with basketball- "Come on! I need like 50 tickets more to buy that chipmunk!"
"... yeah yeah"- I won't lie... I want the chipmunk too.
After the arcade (she actually beat me at it) we road the roller coaster (a couple thousands of times) I needed to release everything, and it felt so good. The expectation of feeling the adrenaline rush, and... well the excited little jumps she made when we were about to get into the car. Her nervous laugh that controlled her completly untill the ride was up the first hill and made the stop before speeding up... it was amazing.
The swinging-ship ride, the bumper cars, the maze and the ghost train. It's fun, it's ridiculously fun to have someone my age to... just kid around with. We talk about other stupid things... school and what we went through. Our families and our friends. It's nice... like I had known her all my life.
"You have to go to this Akihabara store. It's full of discounts and sometimes they get the autors to sign some of the figures!!"- she eats a lot, but it's good, she's happy- " Ahhh, and this cafe! There's actually good quality coffee there... it's colombian obviously. Make sure to go when promoting in Japan"
"Ok"
"Also... there's this place around Shibuya where you can get good deals of candy"- she says pointing to the map in her cellphone- "I found out about it after getting lost for the first time over there..."
"mmm..."- I mumble. We were walking behind the ferris weel, having fries with hot cheese.
"Can I ask something?"- she suddenly asks. She's not looking at me, she's just looking up to the ferris weel - "Why did you agree? To come with me I mean"
"I'm curious..."- I blurt. It wasn't what I was intended to say.
"You're testing me"- I feel how my eyes widen, I kind of panic... I don't want to tell her that I want to ask her a lot of things and that's why I'm actually talking to her... but she's still not looking at me, her eyes are still on the ferris weel- "To know if I'm like everyone"
"Yes"- I dare to say. I look down to the pavement. The mood it's different, not as happy as before- "You wouldn't understand... how scary is... all those hopes these people have put onto me"
"It must be..."
"You are the same as them"
"Not exactly"- she says grabbing more fries and stuffing with them- "not every...one is the same"- she talks with the fries still in .
"Why?"
"Because I know I have to work hard"- she says lowering her sight but she remains looking forward- "I just took you as my inspiration, my muse"- it's refreshing, she said it so cooly I couldn't argue, she was telling the truth.
"So it's just that? I'm inspiring?"- I sigh in relieve. The silence consumes us for sweets seconds, untill she opened again.
"No... I like you too"- This is it, the worst thing she could've said. She migh not realize it because she keeps walking cooly while I'm frozen.
"..."- It freaks me out... that's not what I wanna hear. That's not what she's supposed to say. She stops and turns to look at me.
"Do you have something to proof? do you have something to proof to me, or to anyone?"-I don't know what she's talking about anymore-"it doesn't matter. What any of us think you are: you are you anyways"
"What do you mean?"- I panic a little, are we really gonna talk about this?
"This is just bull"- she swallows the lasts fries in her hand and continues - "everything that's passing through your brain just now"
"what are you talking about?"- I mumble trying to smile.
"You don't have to understand us, we don't have to understand you either. Everyone is different and you are not going to figure us out just because you are hangging with me"- I know she's talking about ARMY's in general.
"It's not like I'm trying to generalize... I don't see you just like a fan"- I try to explain myself- "It's just that I need to know... why you like me? what is it that makes me being the one you like..."
"I like Jeon Jungkook. The guy that had to take all that to get to where he is now, I like the guy that goes through every day because he loves what he does, I like Jeon Jungkook that doesn't gives up because he's stubborn and he does his best. I like the Jungkook that sometimes let's himself loose and goes crazy around J-hope and V. I like the one that pushes Jimin away, but craves for his attention. I admire the Jeon Jungkook that's shown in front of the cameras"- I hate that answer, it's not the answer I want- "I like that Jungkook because he's the only Jungkook I can see"- It hits me hard- "It's the Jungkook that I can see through my screen. I cannot like a Jungkook I don't know"
"Shut..."
"What I admire the most of the Jungkook I know it's that he doesn't give up. I don't like you because you are good at singing, or dancing or rapping. I like the you that gives his everything and keeps his head in the game. I like the you that sometimes lets go and live life tenderly, I like the you that can handle everything without breaking, and I like the you that have to rely on others too. I like the you that's serious and that's fun"
"Shut up!"
"I like Jeon Jungkook on camera, but I like the Jungkook besides me too"
"Wha..."- she's not that far anymore... did I walk forward?
"I like that you answer every text with an emoticon, and that sometimes you answer longer. I like the lyrics you make, I like the way you take care of your hyungs when they get asleep while we watch a movie. I like the fact that you your fingers when you think something's delicious. I like that you were so fine with coming with me here, and that you are expending your time with me..."- she looks down again. I hate it. I absolutely hate this feeling in the pitch of my stomach.
"I'm sorry oppa... I know you thought I was different. I know"- she says- "I tried to be... I swear.... I'm really greatful for the chance to meet you personally, It's more than a dream to me. But I don't want to lie to you. I'm your fan, I like you... I like you so much I cried on my way here cause I knew you were hoping to get this out of the way. I like you so much that I prefer doing this right now than waiting for you to feel hurt because I lied"
"Wait..."- the knot in my throat was choking me.
"I was really happy these weeks. I couldn't wait for your next text... I... wanted to stay like this... but..."- she starts sobbing- "I just... like you and I don't want to fall in love with someone that's... impossible for me"
"Nana..."
"Thank you"- and she vows again, the whole 90 degrees- "For giving me the chance"
"Let me talk!"
"Thank you. It's been great!"- and she smiles.
___________________________
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