Bons temps
One more day“Do I need a reason to be happy?”- V asks while jumping like a 5 year old from the remaining 3 stairs.
“No, but you are not just happy… you are over-joyed”
“Does something like that even exists?”
“Not sure either…”- I say rubbing my eyes. It’s 3 am and we’re shoved into a little van to get us to the pre recording of the comeback show- “In this moment I’m not even sure of my name”
“He always gets like this the first day… give him three days, he’ll be as tired as we are”- Suga pointed out.
“By the way, why are you in this van?”- Jin asked in a daze not realising the rudeness of his question.
“Am I annoying?”
“Noona… of course not it’s just that…”- I smile to lighten the heavy atmosphere and he breathes out smiling back at me.
“He needs his time”- I say calmly leaning on the window of the car- “And I was ready sooner, so I jumped in this one”
“He’s gonna throw a fit you know?”- Yoongi lays his head in my lap and I trace little circles in his temples- “He’s quite possessive…”- my phone’s screen lightens up and a kalkao notification comes one after the other- “There he is, of course”. I unlock my phone and read.
You left!!!
Why?… I was awake already… I just needed a few seconds more to settle.
So mean ㅠㅠ
… I mean… you were away before I opened my eyes. I couldn’t even speak
to you… properly and I… need to talk to you.
…
I wanted to sleep on your lap in the van.
3:15 a.m
My heart flutters a little and I get goosebumps all the way from my the top of my neck to my fingers.
It’s just an half an hour ride to the broadcast station… we’ll see each other there.
3:15 a.m
Don’t let anyone touch you!
3:15 a.m
I look at Yoongi and then at the screen again.
I won’t.
3:16 a.m
I mean it! I can smell Yoongi-hyung’s cologne on you
whenever you two stay too close to each other.
3:16 a.m
Creepy…
3:16 a.m
Yes
So tell him to get (the hell) up.
3:16 a.m
God…
3:17 a.m
“Yoongi”- I sweetly pass my hand through his bangs, but he bats his eyelashes violently while looking directly at my orbs.
“Really?!”- he yells way too up for the level of energy he seems to have this early in the morning- “He’s gotta have some spy in here”- and he looks at Tae while getting up, eyes fixated in his prey, almost wanting to jump from our chair to get him.
“Don’t… I left my phone at home. It’s not me”- Yoongi glares at him but as soon as he shows his hands in utter surrender he gets it’s true- “Hyung…”
“It’s not me either”- Jin says showing his hands.
“God… I swear this kid is some kind of dog or something”- he sighs and sits straight.
From then on, the drive is mostly silent, only Yoongi’s slight snoring musicalising the rhythmically breathing of the others. I look out the window absentmindedly.
The last few days everything had gotten so much better, not even one attempt of another panic attack. I’ve had a few bad dreams, but nothing that triggered one.
I was able to stay home on leave. The panic attacks were no secret to anyone anymore (it must've been quite a show) and I got a 15 minute call of BangPD-nim reprehending me for the lack of selfcare and not telling him earlier. He shouted that if he saw me in Big Hit's halls I would be inevitable fired and that I should stay home and take care... of him. That secret was out too... not much to say when every single one of the staff that lived in the same building aparment got the news that I'd slept in Jimin's room for the past few days... but whatever, I don't care anymore.
Jimin... well he was really pained. Back blooming with purple and blue paintings. And that was just what he let me look… his might’ve been even worse, but he was too prideful (and I was too ashamed) to let me take a look. So, we spent the next two days almost barricaded in Jimin’s room smelling the strong herb ointment that I rubbed in his back every hour. We talked, a little. Most of it was him asking what to do in what situations and me repeating the whole therapy I've been receiving. He was tired, of all the hard training he'd been doing diligently and the medicine was too strong for him to stay awake more than a few hours a day. I… well I had my own pills to swallow. So everything felt like something out of a feverish dream… a little difficult to digest and take in, specially when I had no memory of what the night of the panic attack had been like.
I've been trying to recall, but all I can seem to get a grasp of, is the fact that I got the notice of him getting to the hospital after failing some idiotic acrobatics. I was fine, I hadn’t snapped in the past week. I’d been taking the medicine and going to therapy. I was not that short breathed when I was near him anymore and I was actually starting to plan how to explain everything to him… but then, Changseon went in the editing room, looked at my eyes and said Jimin had fell and it was serious. And everything is blurred from then on.
More than a miracle occured that night. The fact that he didn't break anything or got really injured. How I got safely to the dorms…after being on foot for at least 10 blocks to reach the dorms. And the fact that we... got to solve some things.... that's a miracle too.The conversation we had next day I had in the dazzle of the pills… so it helped me not to be so nervous and spit out everything, finally…
But this is far from ok… I am still nervous.
And he isn’t helping.
At all.
He texts this.
He holds me at night.
But nothing more than that.
He never said anything else after the whole “we’ll climb together” stuff. He has not make... a move.
We’ll, the the whole truth of why I didn’t wait for him to wake up completely was that I was too nervous to look at him now, without the daze of the drugs. My stomach keeps trying to throw it’s insides out… actually… I don’t know.
Are we together? Are we… something different to what we’ve been the last months?
I don’t have the guts to ask straight away. The lack of experience is deathly... I’ve never been in a relationship. Should I wait for him to say anything? To ask me out?
God… I’m an idiot. I know nothing.
And I’m running away… again.
“Noona! Where are you going?”- V screams in the hallway waking up a few of the other idols that were waiting for the dressing rooms to be distributed.
“I gotta go settle the VPD… I gotta go see Sowon and her team!”- I scream- “we’ll see each other there!”
“Jiminie won’t be happy if you aren’t there when he arrives!”- he screams again and Jin covers Tae’s mouth with his hand while whispering something in his ear that sounds more like a silent scream. They know... the whole company knows. But God save us of an actual leak and the controversy afterwars... it could damage Bangtan's public perception forever.
I run through the halls and get to the maintenance entrance which is the one where the staff actually goes in.
“Finally, rice princess appears”- she says sarcastically- “You really freaked us out you know?”
“Sorry”-It's been a whole week of stress coming and going from music shows until it's finally here. The day were they are nominated for No.1, and we are all really stressed- “I’m really sorry”
“Did you two sorted things out?”- she says- "it was uncomfortable this week"
“Don’t know exactly…”- I say in low tone.
“Well, at least it can’t be worse than before”- she says passing an arm through my shoulders- “It’s good to see you. You seem… happy?”
“Really?”
“Well… you ARE smiling”- she says. I am. And it’s amazing, since I feel so confused… but tranquil, calm… light- “Ok, let’s get you in form again”- she almost drags me to a pile of boxes- “Get these, we’ll be carrying the clothes and the accessories”
“But these are seriously heavy!”- I say lifting one of the boxes.
“Do something girl”- she yells while taking the elevator and leaving me behind- “someone needs to be superman and since Changseon isn’t here yet, it’s gotta be the one that slept last night”
______________________________
It’s quite endearing, the way people work over here. It’s just my second time being here and it’s a challenge to keep up with everyone moving so fast, so early in the morning. I guess things will be like this for a while. Frantic, hectic, quick.
The sun hasn’t come up yet and the cold of early may stills in the air. The cold air I was getting so used to after the own cold weather I was living inside. Everything will change when spring reachs.
Even when the uncertainty of everything that has been going on, those two days, rubbing ointment in Jimin’s back was the best I’ve had. After the panic attacks everything went pretty much a routine that span around the illness. I woke up, had my morning pills. Work and at noon I would sneack out for two an so hours to go to therapy. Almost always Takuya would be waiting for me in the front of the building, to drive me safely. After that I would return and work a little more. Take my afternoon pills and sleep one hour. Work more and sleep whenever and wherever I could. Work a little more and call Taku again, so he'd drive me home. Sleep and start all over again.
I got much better after those three weeks of therapy. It was easier to keep my calm in Jimin's presence. My nerves went berserk, but I didn't hyperventilate anymore. I could barely talk straightly, without my voice cracking but I was advancing. But these two days… well, everything had changed. I layed at his side, he grabed my hand interlocking fingers together. Cracking shy and relaxed smiles, sincerely... I loved it. Everything.The feeling of being there, just with him. I loved being loved.
It’s something that I’ve never felt before: the necessity of being held close. But with him I feel secure... home like.
I need to talk to him.
I can’t keep my bad habit of running away.
I wanna… know what we are.
I sigh happily after one of Block B’s BASTARZ staff took pity of me and helped me carry the boxes. Sowon to be damned for eternity after leaving me alone. I pull the boxes to the elevator after almost half an hour of repeatedly missing it while other staff members filled it with their stuff.
“Thank you”- I say sighing- “I would’ve died there without your help”
“There’s no need to thank me”- he smiles at me. He’s really tall and broad, thank God. He could hold two of the boxes with just one hand, and I had trouble carrying one with both- “Can’t believe you are the VPD in charge of BTS… you are so young”- he says- “and I can’t believe your underlings left you to your luck in the parking lots. My VPD never lifts a finger after getting here”
“Let’s say I’m not the authority type”- I reply, but my eyes burn with revenge desire- “But things gotta change, God, they might be wanting to get me out of their way and take over....”
“Nah, it’s just because you are younger than them”- he says while knocking in the Bangtan’s dressing room easily- “God, you should see our VPD… she’s exactly your opposite”
“Does she boss around?… I need some classes”- I grit my teeth- “I might need your help to meet her though”
“Yeah… she kind of screams her lungs out whenever she’s stressed and…”- in that moment someone opens the door- “she’s not as pretty as you are”- the whole room goes entirely silent and I can only search for Jimin’s eyes. He’s sitting in the corner of the opposite wall from where the door is, tapping in his phone calmly. Not even a movement to recognise my presence.
“Thank you”- Jin takes the boxes off his arms after vowing politely and closing the door immediately after. I look at him with worried eyes and he responds in the same way.
“Wow… you are actually popular”- Sowon mocks. And there, right there, I want to kill her.
“I…”
“We needed the driers!”- one of the hair dressers take one of the boxes from Jin’s arms- “Jiminie, come here”- she orders and Jimin gets up without looking at me and directs his steps to the chair where he collapses soundly. It’s the last month all over again, and my mouth goes dry. Did this stupid thing affected him?
“He was hoping to see you here”- Jin whispered- “It’s been almost an hour…”
“Great…”- I say under my breath. I’m tired, sweaty and now he’s mad. Just great- “It’s not like I wasn’t trying to get here sooner… Sowon abandoned me”
“We know”
“Then why is he so pissed?”
“He’s sensitive”- Jin said- “he couldn’t get up from that bed in two days, he didn’t practice with us and… his back still hurts. You weren’t at his side when he got up this morning and he hasn’t been eating well for the stage… it adds up”
“I know… but it’s not my fault I…”
“It’s not your fault at all”- Yoongi said out loud- “He’s just a brat, a jealous bratty brat”
“Yoongi…”
“What?”- he says even louder.
“Nothing”- I know he’s moody, everyone is. I don't want them to start a fight on my account. Yoongi has always been very protective of me and... I actually apreciate it. I start putting the boxes down and organising the contents, glancing once or twice to Jimin’s chair while he’s being styled. He smiles warmly to Sungwa, the hairdresser. I can’t get a hold of their words, but he’s laughing. And something inside me twists. He doesn’t get up from that chair from then on. Not even his eyes wonder, he's plenty concentrated on the freaking phone, like it's the most interesting thing on earth. This is not the way I wanted things to happen. I wanted to talk to him… I was actually gathering myself to do it… and now he gives me the attitude. Yoongi comes near and rub my back.
"I'll make him suffer later"- he says in my ear and I smile, the same smile I'm familiar to shoot whenever I'm too out of myself but need to give some sort of answer to anyone. I want to kick something... I want to call his attention, but his indiference makes the anger fade and instead, a great sadness takes over. Where are all those freaking sweet promises he kept whispering in my ear that morning? Are they gone just because of this?
Whatever, today I should not make it about us. Today is about Bangtan.
Minutes goes by the same, tension clear in the air, until someone knocks the door and calls for them to be on hold for rehearsals. They start to walk to the door and he passes by, coldly. I know it’s the last chance to say something so, with sweaty palms I grab his wrist and stop him.
“Good luck”- I say knowing really well that the crack on my voice is a bad omen.
“Mm”- he hums back, not looking back at me. It stings, but it’s nothing new. It’d always hurt. Is this how it’s always gonna be like? So stupid.
The rest of the next hours I spent them running and meeting people, giving away signed albums to every important person I can get a hold of. The camera directors, writers, editors and other VPDs that congratulate our team. We've done a good job, they all stop for a second to admire the album, and it's enough to make me rejoy. After a little I come around to the editing room, I have to be on hold to monitor the presentation. I couldn't come to see the rehersal, but live I gotta be. The room is huge, tv screens invading all the walls, everyone is concentrated in their stuff. Other teams come first, newcomers, various girl groups and new boy groups. They are all very handsome, but it's a given that they are rookies. And then, Block's B BASTARZ. God... they are good. Confidence and experience pouring in the stage. I get nervous, it's time for the kids... for my kids, and all the work they've been putting in this album. Memories of the last two months flooding like a river in my mind. It’s amazing, that this kid that I meet for the first time and was giving me an indifferent attitude was know the only one I could follow with my eyes. The person I was so eager to drive away from and that now I wanted to lean on. It’s so stupid. I should’ve gone to him. I should’ve apologised and not wait for him to come to me… like always. I see him on camera, smiling. Jimin, getting ready to do what he does best. He breaths, profusely and his eyes change, he's ready.
“I’m sorry”- I whisper while the red light that gives the cue to start the presentation.
The cue makes me go down to earth, and I they make me get it. Bangtan is as professional as it can be... the song is amazing, the choreo, the styling… everything is impeccable. I’m prideful, cause even when they are so nervous, they are so professional. Jin slipped a little, Namjoon almost hits Hoseok, and Jungkook missed a beat but it was more than emotional, for both, them and the fans.
It brings tears to my eyes. It’s like the final line of this intense marathon we’ve run for the past two months… and I’m emotional, after everything we’ve been through. 3 and a half minutes of ecstasy. 3 and a half minutes of me recapitulating everything that I’ve been through to come to terms with my feelings.
I’ve been away too long.
I know.
I’ve been pushing him away too much.
And here I am, in the third floor, watching from a tv. Unable to wish him luck without my voice cracking. Maybe, just maybe, I should be the adult in this relationship for the first freaking time.
I wanna see him… but it’s impossible.
It’s impossible.
I want a name for what we are, and I want to know if he loves me like I love him and I want, I want, I want.
I want him.
I need to see him.
I have to be here.
I haven’t come so far to just slip in this moment.
I’m ready.
I’m ready when the presentation ends.
I’m ready when they are waiting for the scores.
I’m ready when the crowd breaks the uncomfortable silence and screams happily.
I’m ready when they gives them the trophy.
I’m ready when they give their speeches. Smiles in each of their faces, relieve and happiness mixed with all emotions that any person could have after finally reaching a goal.
I’m ready watching the encore and the lipstick spreading in their mouths.
I’m totally ready.
And so, after they turn everything off and I vow to every single one of the staff, I get the hell out of there. Running to the dressing rooms while praying to God when I get there they are all having the times of their lives… cause they finally did it. They won.
The broadcast building is huge. God save me. My lungs stinging with all the effort I was making them do.
I don’t even knock, I just go in.
And run to him.
And hug him.
He’s sitting in a grey chair, Hoseok at his right side, Namjoon on his left but they got up as soon as I threw myself on Jimin. Silence spread again in the dressing room, I could hear shoos and foot stamping and then, nothing.
I have my ear pressed to his chest, heaving and panting the previous run away. Until I calm down enough to talk.
“Congratulations”- I say softly- “Congratulations, you did it”- he sobs while returning the hug tightly.
“We did it”- we spent some time like that, I’m not really aware of how much. But we don’t talk, we don’t even look at each other. It’s soothing, the feeling of being near.
“Jimin”- I say finally- “I’m sorry”
“I don’t want to hear you apologising for something… so stupid”- he says- “I’m really just a punk. I’m sorry I left you without answering your encouragement this morning, but yeah… I got mad. I’m an idiot”- he pats my hair rhythmically and his touch is enough to make my heart come back to a normal rate- “You know? I… me too. I need reassurance Noona”- I look up and watch his eyes- “I mean… God you are gorgeous. Are you aware of that? Men look at you everywhere… and I’m younger by a lot… they might be more interesting, more handsome, they can offer more”- his eyes flutter a little and my heart breaks- “I don’t wanna feel this insecure but… I’m a brat. I get jealous, I don’t want anyone to touch you, I don’t want anyone talking to you”
“I love you”- and the words resonate in the empty room. It’s the first time I’ve said it, and it feels like the last wall crumpled completely- “I really love you Jimin. Be my boyfriend”- I say out of nowhere felling hyperventilated- “I really love you”- I sit in the chair Hoseok was occupying minutes ago and look at him trying not to break in a thousand molecules or burn spontaneously- “I wanna... be your girlfriend… teach me how… I’ll learn. I won’t talk to other people, I won’t let anyone else touch me…”
“You are my girlfriend since two days ago”- he says comforting me and patting my hair caressingly. He gets up and makes me do the same.- “I thought you knew… since well… you kinda confessed and I… well I say I loved you… and you clung to me so tightly the last two days.”
“You are my first”- I say nipping my lower lip- “I don’t know anything. I don’t know how or what to do… I’ve never had a boyfriend before. I haven’t even kissed anyone”- blush spreading merciless from the tip of my nose to my earlobes.
“… u kidding me?”- he says in satoori moving back a little looking so surprised. I don't know how can he change the atmosphere so easily. How he can control every single mood, every feeling. He lifts the serious environment and makes me wanna smack him, I wanna laugh and then press myself more into him.
“No”- I raise a brow at him and step away a few steps- “do you think I can joke with something like this?”
“I’m your first? Like ever?”- and he smirks, that cheeky smirk that he always pulls whenever he fells like he has accomplish something important. His eyes disappearing into the smirk.
“Brat, you really ruined the moment”- I sigh and go to him again, cupping his cheeks in place. I breath deeply and try to calm myself, cause I know that I have to do it. He’s always the one that had initiated everything, at least I had to control this… and I close my eyes and angle my face and tiptoe to get to his high and… press my lips into his. It’s just a little brush, just two seconds… but I feel my knees giving up and my chest heaving as much as the last run- “Shut up”- I manage to say- “just shut up”- and I try to leave the hell out of there cause I ruined it and…
“No, can’t do, U'r too cute”- he smiles and holds my hand stopping me in the spot. I feel weak, nauseous. I've been dreaming about it. Kissing him... but this. God how could I've failed so miserably? I feel tears thretening to fall, but I'm so ashamed that I could never forgive myself if I cry, so I supress them. He presses my back to his front and puts his chin in the top of my head - “I’ll kiss you again. But this time I’m gonna lead, and you are gonna do what I say. Ok?”- I'm frozen and he feels it- "It's me"- I know, it's him... I've done worse in these past few days... he's seen me in much worse. I turn and hug him again, it's a cocktail of emotions. I know he would never hurt me, but at the same time, there's this natural impulse to run, run until he can't reach me and I don't need to feel so much- "I luv U too"- and that does it. My instintcs are overcharged with the sound of his voice, so near to me. The beat of his heart, so exposed to me, rasing at the same rythm as mine- "I'm dying too, but I wanna kiss you right"- I hum and he holds my sides and gets me up helping me balance my weight in the table near us. He makes me sit in there and he sighs trying to relax. I can see his puffy eyes and I knew he cried after going backstage- "This might actually be the best day of my life"
“You cry baby”- I caress his cheek and he leans forward opening my legs and getting too comfortable between them.
“Yeah”- he passed a hand through my locks and I felt goosebumps growing everywhere. I took my time to watch him, intensely. His exposed forehead, the little mole right up his left eyebrow, another one down his neck, in the left side. His puffy lips marked with lipstick and… could it really be possible? This need to touch, to feel…- “I like your hair. It suits you. I like lila”- he keeps holding me on place, steady grip on my hips-“You smell like chocolate”
“You smell…”- I say taking a deep breath and trying to calm down- "like the sun"- He leans forward a little more witouth even asking the meaning of my words.
“R U nervous?”- satoori again. Lips moving slowly, carefuly, as if one wronged word could make me flee.
“Yeah”- I say shutting my eyes hard and laughing a little. I know I shouldn’t be this nervous, but this is Jimin… and he is like a dream, he's my dream. And he's right here, I'm not letting go this time.
"U like me?"
"Mmm"- his nose is pocking my cheek and I know it's gonna happen now.
“Open your eyes”- he says, hands in my hips. I do, breathing heavily. He has gone back a little- “I want you to look at me"- his eyes are relaxed, not the way he tenses them for him to look y, he looks the way he was when I met him in that coffee shop almost two months ago. His exposed forhead and treaths of sweat in the line between his hair and his face. A single mole in the upper left brow, and I sigh. All my worries, all my walls... he's teared them apart. The corners of his lips rolling up to show a cute and sincere smile-"You are my girl”
"So posessive"- it's my time to grin.
"And I'm yours"
"I like that"
"Don't look at anyone but me"
"Jimin..."
"Promise"
"Yeah"- and he closes the gap, in slow motion. Lips parting sligthly to meet mine. I hold a breath and tense, the touch of our lips surprises me, but after a second he is reaching my upper arms with his hands, and I rest all my weight in him. The sensitive skin being rubbed against with his full lips. He is calm, steady and his lips do all the work. That is until I feel the distancing and I'm not ready... not at all. So I grab his shirt and pull him in again. This time I part my lips a little and he has to pull my chin a little to adjust me. He giggles a little and it makes me go limp in his hold- "You are demanding"- he says without leaving my lips. I open my eyes and smile a little.
"I've been waiting for 25 years... that's a long wait"
"That's a lot of responsability for me"- he says smiling more- "I hope to be enough to make it memorable"
"You are gonna be a lot of first times for me Jimin"- I say- "so be gentle, or you might break me"- this time I say it seriously, cause I'm already handling everything, cause I trust him wih everything, cause I want him to be my rock, my support. And I need him, and I love him- "don't go around giving me the cold treatment... it hurts"
"Yeah, I'll be careful"- and he closes the gap again. Kissing me slowly. Wet lips parting, the explosion of sensations making me see little lights under my eyelides. And after a few minutes, he kisses my cheek and hugs me tight to his chest- "It feels like I'm on a dream"- and he chuckles.
"This feels right"- I say under my breath.
"Good times are coming"- Suga's voice coming from outside- "this walls are really thin, you know?"
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