The next few days I barely got to see anyone at all. The reason? I was... avoiding Bangtan as if my life depended on it. I always made sure I wasn't in the company at the same time them and that our schedules wouldn't overlap for when I stood in the office. Thank God I was able to land the story for the m/v and jacket shooting the night after my niece's surgery and with the intense help of my team, we were able to present the storyboard and the rough sketches of the idea to BangPD, who was more than surprised to see the progress.

"Noona... this is exactly what we were wishing for"- Rapmon's approval was even better than BangPD's- "Did Suga-hyung and I sit with you that night or..."

"We had plenty of time to talk Namjoonie"- We have had very philosophical talks since the whole process started. I wanted to understand their creative process and the whole line of thought that became the record- "But don't you think is a little over the edge?"

"Nope"- Suga intervined- "It's perfect. We might have to edit it into two different m/v's, concidering the average rage of age of our fans, but it's definetly the best way to express the whole most beautiful moment in life thing"

"Ok, I'm gonna start working on it"- I say. I cannot lie. I'm proud I could pull it off- "We might have to start looking for a director. I'm not qualified enough in this matter"

"I have the perfect one"- BangPD said.

"Noona, let's grab something to eat tomorrow"- Suga suggested- "We wanna go see your niece... Jimin's been asking for you like crazy. We haven't heared anything after the surgery either..."- my heart punds in my ribcage as if it was trying to get out my body. The anxiety that was consuming me for the past few days was eating me alive. Afterall, I haven't been able to figure anything out.

"I... can't. I have to go search for locations to shoot... but she would be really greatful if you go visit her"- I say smiling- "She's with Jimin's aunt..."- I can see Suga's face darken- "I'm sorry... This week's gonna be hectic"

"We'll go when you have time"- he answered- "we wanna see you too. Please make sometime for us this week"- and he left, before I could refuse... even before Namjoon could follow the conversation.

___________________

After the approval, the visual production team finally wrapped the conceptualization fase and started working on the specific targets: Photobook and graphic design of the album, the kids clothes and hairstyles, the music video, and social media/advertaising management. I'm responsable for all of them.

"Do you think this is good?"- Takuya says by my side. I have the intense need to kiss him. Usually I always send him photos of my sketches and, as soon as he saw one of them he called to tell me he knew the perfect place.

We got there after an hour of my new right arm, and the photographer in charge, Chanseong (the super inteligent 32 year old that made my life a 30% easier since I met him), driving out of Seoul. The escenary was perfect, almost breathtaking. We traveled south, near the ocean. The desolated pier was like out of my drawing. The perfect representation of my imagination made in a real place. The industrail feel of the unfinished and rusty bridge, the cracked concrete pass way by the sea and the lighthouse...

"I think the lighting might be a problem the day of the shooting, but I think it's the most accurate place from your drawings"- Changseon noted.

"You're a damn genius Taku... How did you find this place?"- I slapped his shoulder. He smiled back.

"As soon as I saw your sketches I knew were to take the photos"- he pointed to a little city not far away from there- "I buy fish from that village, so I come quite often"

"I love the lighthouse"- I point- "We have to take nice photos to start planning the equipment we'll need"- Changseon takes his camera and I take mine. Takuya stays near the harbor looking to the sea. 

At the farthest corner of the pier, the cementary of old cold concrete buoys contast the deep color of the ocean and the pretty sunset. It's so beautiful. The way nature made sure the bast monolithic and steal man made structure felt alive. With no much more time before the sunset, the ice cold air coming unstopably from the ocean started chilling my bones. Changseon and I take half an hour to take more pictures, and then we run back to the car to start our way back to Seoul.

"Ok, so let's cross this out the list"- Changseon literally picks his phone to scratch the item out of the list and reads the next one- "We still need the gardens, the hotel room and all the scenaries of the m/v... did you worked out their hair and clothes with Sowon?"

"..."- I haven't. I knew I had to do it this week, since we already have the schedule of performances and the follow up fan meetings... the planning department is way ahead of us. They did it so we had plenty of time to decide every outfit, but the thing is that I cannot decide on my own. The kids had to give their approval, and since I didn't want to see Jimin for now... I've been trying to delay it- "I'll do it... tomorrow"

"Mmm"- Changeson mumbles back. He starts the car and gives me another uncomfortable stare. I yawn trying to avoid his gaze. Even when I've been living with Seunghyun to take care of my niece, I was not getting enough sleep. The moments I finally got to rest... Jimin was the recurrent image in my head

"I'll talk to Sowon so we can meet in Seongsaengnim's place to work"- I know Bangtan has an intense coreo rehersal tomorrow and they'll be in the offices for the whole day- "I think I'll make the general drafts so she can go expose the concept to the kids. I wanna have this Sunday off to have sometime with my niece, I've been out for 5 days."

"...How's your niece?"- he asks.

"She's doing ok... but she's already wanting to leave bed"- we get in the car to start driving back to Seoul- "I mean... she's on vacations and everything, but she had a major surgery three days ago! Sometimes I thinks she's made out of steel..."

"Wow... the blood is thick"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm thinking you're family has superpowers... you never get tired? or sick? hell... we're all exhausted, but you keep on working your workaholic "- Takuya giggles at his remark.

"I'm exhausted too"- I point at my - "it hurts everywhere, including my workaholic ... But we have too much to do"

"You're gonna collapse if you keep going like this"- we stop at a red light and he looks at me.

"I know... I already have a gym and nutricionist taking care of me..."- I damn Seunghyun silently, for everything. BangPD had already issued an offcial e-mail. And even when it was true and I had lost more tha 6 pounds in three weeks, I still hated her for making me look so out of character in front of my boss.

The silence consumes us again, only the light noise of the engine keeps me awake. it's 8 past 30 and the sun is already set. I've always believed the Korean country-side looked quite similar to my own country, and the lack of light helps a lot. Even being half world away...sometimes, I do miss it. It's impossible for me not to. I wanna visit soon...

"Hey... I haven't told you about this but..."-Changseon takes a right turn to take the highway and keeps his eyes on the road- "Suga called me today"

"Ummm"- I mumb looking out the window, my depraved sleep mind is starting to drift away- "What did he wanted?"

"Jin and him... well they've been wondering if you... know"- His voice lowers down. I look back at him, trying to focus my sight.

"Know what?"- I yawn again.

"About Jimin..."- The shock could've been greater, but I'm actually not surprised at all, since I have now confirmed that I was the only naive person around that hadn't figure it out. But now, to add it up, it wasn't just something between Jimin and I, the other kids new too, and some of my own staff...

"..."-all the sleepiness went away inmediatly- "I know"- I can feel Takuya moving in the back sit. He's been acting... strange, ever since I told him about the Jimin issue.

Of course I found my way out of Seunghyun's grasp to called him that same Sunday. I needed him to advise me... or maybe I just needed someone else to know my side of the story. But even if I expected him to say something, he just calmly said "ok" and let me go with a "well talk later". That changed today, something is different. His eyes are telling me that whatever he has to tell me, he's been thinking deeply about it.

"So, it's true..."- Changseon taps the steering wheel- "I thought they were imagining it... but if you're sending Sowon to the kids, I guess it's true... you've been avoiding them"

"Yes"-  I sigh and hide my head in my arms.

"... Jimin is naive, but he's not stupid Ssal"- he emphasizes. I can figure he's mad at me- " He's gonna figure you've been avoiding him sooner or later"

"I know"

"I know I shouldn't budge into this but... what are you gonna do about it?"- It's not like I haven't thought about it. Those 5 almost sleepless days had been not only because of work. I've been racking my brains to figure how to... deal with everything. 

"What do you suggest I do?"

"... I don't think I'm the one you should take advise from"- he looks to the back sit throught the mirror- "But I do suggest you to figure it out quickly"- He stops it there, not a single word was said from there on. The silence gave me time to sucumb to a state of absent mindness, enough to consume the minutes left from there to Seunghyun's, but before I could get out of the car Changseon made sure to leave me with another heavy remark- "Ssal... Do you understand Jimminie really likes you? I've known him since he was a trainee and... well, he's serious about you. It's not a kid's game... just in case you're wondering"

"That's not helping me right now"- I slam the door and he glares at me.

"I'm not sorry for telling you..."- he hesitated before continuing- "I hope whatever you decide you do not repent afterwards"-

Takuya gets out the car and he reaches me in front of Seunghyun's house. I sigh deeply and all the peaceness I felt after leaving the pier goes away. I feel even more burdened than before. The knowledge of the other kids being very aware of the situation had added another heavy burden.

I look up and see the lights in Nana's temporary room. Outside, the cold wind makes me wanna run to the dim light that was flickering in her room and lay my head in her legs. That, however, was impossible, since right in the moment I was about to tuck the key in the handle, Takuya stopped my hand. He makes me look at him.

"Come on. You'll feel better after spitting everything out"- I look at the second floor again, but before I could even say something he continues- "Nana's a big girl, she's not actually waiting for you to come home"

"Just say whatever you need to say"- I say harsly- "I know you've been judging me since I told you about Jimin"

"It's not judging Stefany"- he pulls me out of the doorstep and into the street- "You have to let go... or you'll explote. I've seen you stressed out, but this is ridiculous"- It's the undeniable truth.

Deep inside, I know the reason I'm so reluctant to talk about it... especially with him. Although, I cannot do much about it. He's the only one that would tell me the truth, the damn ugly truth that I've been too afraid to hear from my own. With a little resistance, he drags me to a bar and asks for a private table. He orders a round of Soju and before I could reject it, the waiter is already back with two bottles and two glasses.

I sit there, trying hard not to look at him and to ignore the fact that he's already poured a glass for me. I pull my phone, to distract myself, but he takes it away.

"Takuya, let me at least I need text Nana"- I try to take it back, but he pushes me to sit.

"Don't run away from this"- he says, offering me the full glass.- "If you had the guts to confront yourself on this matter, you wouldn't be in this state... you could've at least have some sleep"

"What is there to over-analize? It's not like I'm gonna even think about it Takuya"- I push the glass away from me-  "He's a kid!"

"What about it?"- he defiantly spits- "it's not like you are an old lady"

"I'm five years older!"

"So what?"- he says- "It's not like you're gonna marry him"

"It's not only the age...he's... so good to me and to everyone around him and... I don't want to hurt him"- I collapse on top of the table- "He's... special... and I really don't want to it up. He met me in a situation were I helped him and... he fell for that. He doesn't know me! This is exactly why I hate to..."

"Open up?"- he finishes my sentence- "This is exactly why you close yourself and don't let anyone near you? Believe me, you are gonna need that glass of soju in your system for what I have to tell you, so drink up"- I know, I can see it in his eyes... I know he's going there. And since the forbitten topic had been sealed for so long, and he had never mentioned it before, I also know... this is something he wouldn't do (open up the silent scar) without a bigger meaning. So, I drink. The whole glass. Hoping it takes over my senses and silences the little voice that had been driving me crazy for the past 5 days so I can hear the rough, full voice of my conscience: Takuya- "Are you gonna run away from this too?"- the first arrow is thrown and... it's a hit- "Don't you dare. I..."- he looks away. I know this is hurtful, for him more than it is for me- "I understand... I had always. I know you weren't ready when I was... but this is ridiculous"- I take another glass and pour some more soju- "Ssal... I love you. I've loved you since we met in that freaky hidden bookstore in Kyoto. I loved you in more ways than a friend should probably love..."- another dagger, right to the lunghs, it takes my breath away to imagine what he's about to say- "I'm not asking why we didn't work out or why... but the real thing I wanna say. Are you gonna run away from everyone that shows a little interest in you?"

"..."- I feel the soju taking over my body- "I'm sorry..."

"About us?"- he interrupted- "I'm over it already. I cannot lie to you... sometimes I wondered if we... well could have been together like that. But I know that having you like this is much better than not at all"- I take another shot of soju- "Hey! Easy..."- he takes the glass and the bottle to his side- "I need you conscious to end this"

"Taku... I know I screw things up between us but Jimminie..."

"Listen"- He says taking a deep breath- "I love you. And I need you to hear this... from me. You didn't screw things up, you simply never gave me a chance. You shot me down. Completly... and I understood that if I wanted to be by your side, I had to abandon every feeling... well romantic feeling I ever felt for you"- My chest hurts deeply, cause I know it's truth- "I could do it because I wanted to stay by your side more than I wanted to... well, you"- I cannot picture myself with him... like that- "And this is what's happening again. Are you avoiding Jimin over the simple fact you found out about his inocent crush on you?"

"It's not that"- I throw a punch at the table and the bottle of soju staggers dangerously next to the edge of the table- "He's different... You should see him... He loves so deeply... you can see it in his eyes, every time he does something for his hyung's and dongsaengs. He smiles... wholeheartly. Even when they pester him and insult him sometimes...  he works SO hard... He's well mannered and... He's so happy... I really don't wanna hurt him. I can't picture the hurting Jimin..."

"Why do you assume you are gonna hurt him right away?"- he pours a whole glass and drinks it straight, and he give's me half of another.

"Cause... we're so not ment to be"- I say honestly, soju is amazing with this oppeness matters- "He's... so different from me. It's not only that I'm older or not korean, that of course it's a big part of it but... We are so far appart from each other. You must have seen him... when Nana was in the hospital he... stood by my side all the way. He held my hand and... he was there for me. I'm a cold, sinical bastard while he... he's the sunshine of the whole world..."- he laughs so hard that the other people around start glaring at us- "It's true!  Am I being to cheesy?! Don't laugh at me Taku..."- he's almost rolling in his sit- "Look!"- I took my phone out and make a quick search in tumblr- "LOOK! He's... like this 80% of the time"- He takes my phone and smiles back to the screen. How not to? Jimin, dancing with Hoseok some odd girl's dance and laughing their asses while pocking Suga and running away...

"This kids are hilarious"

"Exactly... he's so... nice"

"And that's terrible because...?"

"Because..."- my hands start to sweat- "Because..."

"Because you already like him"- it wasn't a question. It was an statement- "You like him"

"No..."- I say buring my face in my hands- "But I'm so sure I am gonna... eventually"- the silence takes over, and I take advantage of his distraction to take the bottle of soju and take a big gulp of it.

"Yahhh!"- he snaps it away again- "Why are you so ing afraid of love?"

"I'm moody, I cannot take care of myself... I don't even take care of my skin..."- I can only press my face harder in my hands- "I cannot get a hold of myself and I work too damn hard. I choose work over everything else in my life, even my family... I'm selfish and... He hasn't seen me, he just sees whatever he wants. Just like you back in Japan... Tell me the truth, now that you know me... do I seem attractive to you?"- I fight the gag reflex that's invading me. Not only because of the soju that keeps making my sigh blurry, but because I finally was letting everything out- "Who would ever love me...? Who would really love me after knowing me so well? He's just in love with the idea of me... with a pretty funny side of me..."

"Ssal..."- he stands up tripping with his own foot but not falling and comes to my sit. He kneels down and makes me look at him- "You are ed up, and you don't wake up in the morning at the right time... you leave the dishes for weeks and it makes me want to punch you when you cook that delicious radish kkakdugi and spread gochujjang everywhere... but you are not only your faults. You cannot take care of yourself, but you take good care of others. You work too damn hard but never forget to call home. You don't shower in Sundays, but you don't need to because you always smell well those days... what is there not to love? Is this really it?"- he pulls his wallet out- "If Eunji finds out about this, she might kill me"- Eunji, my ex-roommate and Takuya had been daiting for 6 months already - "I carry this photo around... just because I want to remember the reason I wanna stay by your side"- I take a look of the me, three years ago, passed out in the middle of a japanesse club and being carried (princess style) for him.

"Why...?"

"Because, as you already said... you cannot take care of yourself"- he says- "You need someone to take care of you, while you take care of everyone else around you"

"Taku... I'm gonna throw up"

"Ok"- he pulls me from the chair and leaves some bills. I can only remember the trash bins from the alley in my face, with Takuya behind me holding my hair- "I'm not asking you to date him... just give him a chance. Get to know him, and then decide. Don't shut the kid... if you don't wanna hurt him, the best thing you can do for now, it's give him a chance"

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Thanks for reading. Hope you all liked the chapter. For the ones that are wondering... this is gonna be a hell of a long story. I'm kind of a story character builder, so I like to see what the situation takes me to. I don't plan much ahead... (so messy...).

But the good news:

I made an schedule and... I'm positive this time. I'll publish a chapter a week every Tuesday at 8:00 p.m or early if I can. Hope this time I can make my own deathline... ㅋㅋㅋㅋ since I'm one of those people that won't work without a little pressure. XD.

As always, thanks to all new subscribers. Please comment :D.

Fan girl corner:

Sooo happy about the good results of the idol Olympics... so let's cheer for them to take over the idol world!!

This two things lighted my week of writting. XD Thing 1, Thing 2. Hope you have a great week!