The darkest secret
One more dayI really hate headers... but this is necesary for the readers that aren't aware of this: Last week I published 2 chapters. For the people that only read the interlude (chapter 15) please read chapter 14: "the visit" before this one, or else you are going to be really confused over the line of events in this chapter. Thank you!
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The very productive meeting with Sowon was resumed with more than 30 sketches of different sets of clothing for at least a month after the official comeback, and the hairstyles the kids would wear. I trusted mostly on her experience, but she squeezed all my talent and I, for the first time in a long time, was truly satisfied with the results.
We worked straight since the kids left, so at around midnight, Sowon went home, and I tried to get another shower to be ready. I had to pick the kids and even when I didn't know when, I should be ready anyways.
It would be a lie to say I was as steady as I was in this morning's encounter with Suga, in the kitchen. At that time I was in a rare calm state, maybe because I was still a little drunk, it might have something to do with Yoongi's commiseration of my ed up state, but it was most probably because, at the time, I hadn't seen Jimin for a week. I hadn't seen him since I found out...
"Auntie, are you going out?"- Nana gets into my room while I'm doing my make up. I almost spill my clear powder all over the bed.
"You almost killed me..."- I pant regaining composture- "Aren't you supposed to be sleeping and dreaming with a certain cookie, my little happy sunshine?"- I love teasing her, it's quite easy to work her out, but this time she just pushes it aside and regain the main topic.
"Yeah sure..."- she sits in my bed and I keep getting ready- "Taku? Again? Aren't you drinking too much? You're gonna get fat"
"It's not Taku, I have... work to be done"- I get to the closet and pull my leather jacket out. It's chilli outside, but it would be enough with a woolen scarf and the pair of jeans I was wearing before.
"Yeah... sure. Aren't you dressing up a little too much?"
"This is me"- I smile cheerfully spining a little.
"This is you going out drinking"- she pulls me into the bed and makes a mess out of my hair wich I had already combed.
"... ok, I surrender!!"- she stops and looks at me in the eye.
"Is it about... the thing that you mentioned earlier?"- her eyes inquiring- "The thing you should talk to me about right now?"- I hesitate deeply. I don't want her to carry my problems and... it's more than obvious that she would slap me in the face for doubting getting together with Jimin.
"It has something to do with it"- I pet her hair- "I swear I'm gonna tell you later... But right now I'll take Jin, Yoongi and Hoseok to talk a little, we have some matters to solve"- she noods and gives me the eye- "It's none of them"
"I know you liked Suga when I first showed BTS to youuu"- I get up the bed and see me in the mirror. Damn, she made a mess out of my hair.
"Yoongi has nothing to do with this"- I say glaring at her.
"And you need red lipstick because?"
"Because I want to look good"
"Because...?"- she insisits
"I cannot look like a homeless person trying to steal from the handsome kids"
"True, you'll need an extra layer of mascara"- she says grabbing the mascara and helping me- "Today was like a dream..."
"I'll have to take them to dinner to thank them"- I make a mental note- "Are you gonna call him?"
"No... I wouldn't be able to articulate sound"- she says blushing furiously- "I'm just happy everyone was so nice. I talk to Rapmon a lot... and I really need to start taking korean classes or something cause he had to helped me translate to all of them... since my own aunt fell asleep in Jimin's shoulder for most evening..."
"What?!"- for the second time I almost spill all the pouder in the floor.
"The poor kid had to stay in the same posicion for hours, he couldn't play with us at all"- she lays down and looks at his phone like it's the most interesting thing she's ever behold, of course I know she's watching Jungkook's number saved under some weird nickname- "and then you started slipping to his lap... you were drooling his pant"
"WHAT?!"- I scream.
"Calm down"- she said- "you have to look decent for your meeting"
"You've gotta be kidding me"
"That's when Jin made the desicion to move you to bed"- she laughs- "I swear I tried to wake you up like 10 times, but you were just out. He endured it so much... but he didn't really complain at all now that I think about it."- I know I'm blushing so much that the red tank top I was wearing seemed like a pale rose compared so I run to my closet to find something to wear- "It was a nice view"- she continues- "like he was taking care of you. Very manly indeed"- she kicks the air- "They are all so... WOW!!"- she keeps fangirling for at least 30 minutes more, untill the sound of the background music takes over and I notice Nana had fallen asleep in my bed.
With my clouded mind, I decide to head to the office before hand to save time and, I know the walk will relax me a little, at least enough to not throw up. I cannot believe myself... He... saw me sleeping.
"I've been watching you, for a long time..." The words just stook in my mind and I can hear them, I can see Jimin saying them in that waiting room, over and over. It was what kept me up at night: the thought of Jimin's beautiful eyes on me. How didn't I notice?
After hearing the whole story I was able to remember. Of course, I saw him in the club... I couldn't forget if I wanted... but back then... he was so different, he looked very different. The kid I knew was the best dancer in our club, by far. Sometimes I wondered if he was even old enought to be there, but the guards had checked his ID numerous times and he was able to go in. Jimin always wore oversized clothes that didn't suit his body shape, a snapback and, sometimes, he was unshaved enough for little hairs to stick out of his chin. I remember the first talk... almost too perfeclty. And I do because it was me who approached him first: I was the one that wanted to take care of "that special custumer that looks like a bum but has the cutest eye smile" and whom ended up being the reason my coworkers made fun of me.
"You like him? You should say something..."
"He's too young! And I know I'm not exactly his type... I can't dance at all"
"So? You should at least serve him his drinks... he's been watching you all night long"
"I... don't think he's looking at me. he's just looking for a waiter"
That, I have to say, it was a lie. I knew the cutest eye smile was looking at me. He wasn't event trying to hide it... Truth to be told, I've been avoiding those kinds of stares all my life... and there's a simple explanation for it. A rather simple and terrible truth I had never shared with anyone.
In that moment my cell rang.
Practice is over. You can come now. ~Suwag~
I'm already a block away so I stop thinking and rush there. As soon as I arrive, the guard opens the door for me and I sneak into the building friccioning my hands to get them warm. It's still cold outside.
"...why you guys and not us?"- Jungkook's voice reaches the hall and guides me to where they are.
"Who knows?"- Suga disregarded- "Maybe she found we are better models than you guys. Ssal- noona is quite fond of me you see?"
"So far from the truth..."- I interrupt joining the stair-talk standing between Namjoon and Yoongi. They're all sweating profusely and the hair was damped, the dance practice must've been murderous - "It's just that you three are the most difficult to deal with when thinking about clothes. The hyperactive"- I say pointing at J-hope- "That makes holes in most of the pants. The clumpsy"- I point at Jin- "That cannot control his body and ends up ripping the shirts and jackets, and the lethargic ghost"- I point at Suga- "whose pale white skin makes it difficult to match the perfect color tone of clothing"- they frown, but the others are almost rolling in the floor- "The others are good to go. I just need this preliminar fit because I want to prevent them from screwing up the unity of the clothes"
"Noona you are amazing!"- V shouted-" lethargic ghost... that'll be Yoongi-hyung's new nickname"
"We're waiting for the car"- Jin says smiling- "we wanna see them off and... grab our coats"- in that exact moment, a beep in the streets makes us aware of Hobeom's presence.
"Go to bed kids, I'll send your hyungs back as soon as I can"- They gather their bags still laughing, and walk out the building one by one. I go right besides Tae trying to settle a revel stand of hair in his rightful place.
"You should use a backsnap if your hair is like this..."- I reprehend but in the moment I reach the door something keeps me in the building.
"Noona... aren't you cold?"- Jimin's hand wraps in my wrist stopping me. Now that he says so... I am. I forgot to wear my scarf and just went out of the house in a 3 degree climate... such a genius- "You are dressing so lightly, I know it's spring, but it's just the beginning of it..."- He takes a black beanie off his bag and puts it on me- "I washed it yesterday so it's not dirty, I swear. You should take my scarf too..."- he takes it off and gives it a roll in my neck. I'ts warm... maybe because he was still hot from practice. It smells like him... the woody sweet scent- "it's too cold outside"
"... thanks"- I open the door before he can see the blush spreading from my ears down my neck. By then, the others are waiting inside the car and Jin, Suga and J-hope are trying not to freeze to death wearing their thick coats retrieved from the car.
"Noona..."- Jimin calls, I look at him again trying to hide my obvious flustered face under the scarf.
"Yes?"- he shoots another of his trade mark crecent eye smiles.
"Next time take me too"- he says and then goes in the car.
"I'll buy you lunch next time"- I feel how all the others turn to watch me- "I'll buy lunch for everyone"- I correct and thank my wit for saving me from my stupidity- "I wanna thank you all for coming to visit my niece. She says she had a blast"
"It's fine noona"- Jimin adjusts his jacket- "I'll see you later"
"Jimin-ah lets go!"- Namjoon shouts from the car and Jimin waves one last time and gets in the car. I just stand there, waiting for my brain to start functioning again. I feel little shudders all over, my heart pumps horribly rapid and I feel goosebumps from the nape of my neck to the toes.
"That's pretty obvious"- Hoseok approaches and throws his arms around my shoulders- "You should see your face noona..."
"You guys... are a ing tease"- I say shaking Hoseok off- "this... is not what... ahhh!!"- Jin smiles warmly, almost as if he can see a future full with little petals of roses that falls from the skies while Jimin and I... damn!! That's exactly what I want to prevent, that exact line of thoughts... I want them to understand, beyond Jimin's feelings... what's really best for him. And that's definetly not me.- "So..."
"Soju"- Suga interrupts- "I know you already got drunk with japanese guy, but this kind of conversation without alcohol, I cannot go through"
"I guess so"
We walk in the crowded streets of Gangnam. Being 2 in the morning, most of college girls were already drunk-walking the streets while trying not to puke in the pavement and make themselves more of a joke. I hate that kinds of shows... it's really pathetic, especially because I know I'm like that too. I hate getting drunk, but in the end, it was more than necessary sometimes. But I know this is not the day, this day I had to be in control. I needed them on my side, I needed them to understand that my side was Jimin's side too.
After a little walk Suga pulls us into a little bar with quiet music and a bohemian feeling to it. It has a nice homey feeling, something that it's not usual in bars that are around this zone.
"Sugaaaa-ssi"- a girl almost thows herself to his arms, but he dodged her gracefully.
"Juha..."- he says grabbing my hand- "This is my girlfriend. Could you please stop with the skinship? She's gonna get mad"
"Yoongi-oppa..."- I can see the tears gathering in a corner of her eyes. It's so... sad, I can tell inmediatly, she's really infatuated by Yoongi. The pity must have shown in my expression as the girl asks, now looking straight in my eye- "Is it true?"
"Nah... he's my male version. If we ever got together we would most probably fight to death"- I say reaching to pat her head. She's a little taller than me, but a few centimeters down Yoongi's heigh- "I don't think anyone could pull us apart... and that would be a pity, since he makes the best songs, and I do the best designs"- Yoongi slaps the palm of my hand and rolls his eyes while walking to his regular table ignoring the little giggles of the girl.
"I almost did it... almost got rid of her"- he sighs, Jin and Hoseok chuckling in the background- "Really... I've been avoiding this chick since middle school"
"Juha was a year younger than Yoongi through school"- Jin explained- "She has always been weak for him"
"She's a pain in the "- Suga says- "But the good thing is that she works here, and she gets us meat for free... so I guess it's better not to piss her of for now"- Juha brings 4 bottles of soju and 4 beers and looks at Yoongi as he is the only one in the table. We look at each other and decide silently we would never talk about how he smiled back... almost unconciously.
The small talk is over and I feel all three sets of eyes on me. I know what we are there for and I know I won't be able to delay it no more.
"Ok, straight to the main, we're not gonna try to cover the sun with a finger. You are aware that I'm aware... and I know you wanna know what I'm gonna do with it"- They sit straight and their stares get sharp enough to make all my previous courage disapear, I gulp heavily and reach for the bottle of soju, but Hoseok takes it first.
"So...? Are you gonna tell him? That you know..."- Hoseok starts to serve the shots without leaving my eyes.
"No"- I declare and they sigh.
"That's..."- Jin seems a little sad... in fact all of them look like that.
"I'll try not to hurt him"- I say trying to ease their worries- "I'm gonna be as smooth as possible..."
"Wait!"- Suga interrupts- "I wanna know why"
"Why what?"
"Why doesn't he deserve the chance"
"It's not about him"- I say- 'no... wait... it's all about him. I'm thinking about what's best for him... and I assure you, I'm not... He's gonna get tired of me anyways."
"I doubt it"- Jin takes his shot and stares at the bottom of the glass- "It's been three years"
"It's been one since he started going to the club to see you"- Hoseok follows- "It's been 6 months since he started leaving clues for us to get to know you"
"He's planned it well noona"- Suga admits- "I don't think this is a transitory stage"
"Are you thinking he's serious?"- I ask. They just look at me. This is not how I thought it would be. I was expecting them to see the cons of him liking me, I was expecting them to help me get rid of Jimin's feelings for me.- "You've got to be kidding me. You are the hyungs! You're supposed to be worried for Jimin!"
"We are"- Hoseok says calmly- "We do want what's best for him"
"Kids... I'm no good for him. Let's start with the obvious. First: I'm not korean"- they nood- "Second: I'm five years older! fiveee!!"- they nood again- "that means when I was learning how to add and substract he was in his mom's womb!"- they nood again- "Then... I'm a PD. I'm responsable for you guys..."- They keep nooding- "And... what about the fact that... I'm grumpy and... I wouldn't have time to... can you please stop nooding?"- I say in the most calm tone of voice I can handle in that moment, but I know I can't push my point of view further. I know they are listening but not trying to understand.
"Noona"- Hoseok push the little glass for me to drink- "Jimin is a grown up. He knows that, he knows all that"
"No he doesn't... he's not a grown up"- I try to hide my face with my arms- "I'm not what he thinks I am"
"And what does he think you are...?"- Suga, the one that can make my stomach twist like a lemon.
"I... I don't really know, what I'm sure of is that he's confused about me"
"Noona... this is why we wanted to talk to you"- Jin follows- "You seem... a little naive? Jimin is not a kid, and it looks like you're underestimating his feelings for you"- he is so straight forward that it makes me blush furiously-"And of course, this isn't just about Jimin's feelings... how about your own feelings?"
"I..."- My hands start trembeling. I'm having this conversation all over? Two days to discover how ed up I really am... I need them to understand- "Jimin... deserves better"- my level of anxiety starts rising, especially because it seems that everyone in the world wants me and Jimin together, and they do because they don't know me.
"Does he?"- Suga sips his beer- "You sound like your his grandmother"- Jin laughs- "You want what's best for him??"
"Yes"- I mumble. The pressure they are putting onto me is axisfiating me.
"Then love him, the way he loves you"
"I can't!"
"What's the ing problem?"- Suga blurts almost wanting to hit me.
"The problem is..."
"There's no ing problem"- Yoongi continues- "The only one that keeps seeing things were there's not is..."
"I haven't have a boyfriend before!"- I finally say looking straight to Suga's eyes. I see a little panic in his eyes as soon as I blurt it out- " ...never"- it's like I'm letting my soul , I feel uncomfortable and... it hurts. The silence is wrecking my nerves and so I try to talk further- "I cannot expose him... his heart to me. Cause I don't know how to take care of his feelings... I don't even know how to deal with mine right now"- I sigh... and it hurts more- "The only way I can protect him, is being as far as possible. I don't want to hurt him"- I try to look in their eyes, but they look lost- "and yes, I like him. And of course... who wouldn't when he's special and he cares so much. Who wouldn't like him, when he is him. But..."- by then I know I'm tearing- "This is not something I want him to be through... because I like him"
"I.. I'm..."- Jin sttuters.
"You don't have to be sorry, I know I'm patetic"- the silence consumes us and I let them drink up a couple more times. I need the time too.
"Why are you so freaking afraid of love?"- I didn't answer the question straight forward because that's my darkest secret, the most shamefull of all. I'm so freaking afraid of love because... I've never experienced it. Because I don't know how to face it... because I have never had anyone... I've never ever had a boyfriend. Most of the people assumes I have had, well... I'm 25 already, I should have, shouldn't I? Shame? Yes, a lot, very much ashamed.
It's been years since I started wondering the reason for my almost patological dilema. My background is really important for the self diagnosis I've made in this matter: I'm the third child of my parents 48 year marriadge. My older sister is 17 years older than me and my older brother is 15 years older, so I was raised by adults, to be an adult (no fun at all). I studied in an all girl school and, between my devotion to school and my slightly inability to socialize with people my own age... I guess my ltime was mostly consumed by family and school duties. I secretly hoped things would change on their own once I got into university... but it was just ctr+c, ctr+v. And after the too screwed up relationship my parents had, I wasn't really eager to have the same problems with someone. Add it up my lack of sixth sense, which I didn't developed at all. I have never, ever been sure if someone likes me or not, and what's worse: I have no idea how to show I like someone.
I have had crushes... but they all ended up being just friends: really good friends.
I actually gave up at the same time I started traveling the world. I was decided to make it work on my own, I wanted to live life doing whatever I wanted to do and I... didn't need anyone, I didn't want a leash (I had just scaped my mom's) and I knew I was more than enough to fill the space... For me, a relationship is something that... changes you.
"You cannot take care of yourself" Takuya's voice echoes in my mind. I knew it was probably true, and I wasn't getting younger either. There would be a time wher I would need someone to take care of me... and I wanted someone like that too. I wanted to have someone in the mornings and a family and... all those things girls dreams off.
"I'm not gonna push my insecurities on Jimin"- I continue trembling- "I'm not gonna make him my guinea pig, he doesn't deserve it"
"Noona..."- Jin sputtered after a good 5 minutes of silence- "I'm not sorry, and you are not patetic..."- I cannot look at him at anyone in the table, my pride aches too much. I've never, ever said something about this, to anyone. It was my darkest secret, and I just decided to say it for them to understand.
"Please... if you aren't gonna help me, at least don't interfere"- I say taking a deep breath. I take my jacket and Jimin's scarf- "Just don't..."- I feel... empty, like if I had nothing left inside. It hurts, it's painful, it burns down my throat but I can't seem to be able to cry. It's just this permanent sting in my lungs that is preventing me to breath correctly. I need air, I need to go out, but then, I feel a pair of arms rounding my shoulders. Too much pressure, it's making me tear up- "Yoongi, let me go I need..."
"Shut up. Just... let me talk. I'm not doing this because I pity you"- he says, low voice almost breathing in my ear- "I'm not. This is not something to pity"- I turn and see him in the eye. It's enough to make the tears I've been holding to start sliding painfully. He smiles warmly but does nothing to stop me from crying my eyes out- "I think what happened is that you just realized how much you like Jimin already, and I think it must terrify you. And I think all the reasons to not love him that you've pilled up are starting to crumble. And you don't know what to do with your own feelings..."- I hide my head in the crook of his neck and he starts patting my hair slowly- "and now I undestand why you are so scared and confused. Noona... love hurts"- of course, it was obvious all along: why I've been torturing myself all week. I wasn't thinking on how to get rid of Jimin's feelings for me... I was trying to leave my feelings for him... cause it's so ing wrong... It's so wrong that I like him, and that my heart pounds everytime he's sweet and talks to me and helds my hand... and lends me his lap to drool all over.
"I shouldn't like him Yoongi"- I sob. It's wrong, all the situation that just happened. I'm not this weak, I shouldn't be a burden on my doengsaengs, I'm supposed to be in control. This was supposed to be something that I had planned, and here I am, with all my physco problems... collapsing.
"It's not something you can control"
"I don't know what to do"
"...I'm not gonna ask you to date Jimin. We are not going to presure you either. We are not gonna interfere"- he continues- "All I'm asking is... just get to know him. Little by little"- he pushes me a little so I'm no longer pressed against his chest. Jin and Hoseok are at side and side of us smiling warmly.
"It's tiring isn't it?"- Hoseok now takes me in a hug- "Being responsable for someone else's feelings"- I sigh and it's like some heavy burden leaves my body- "but that's not all what love is. You have to see the beautiful part too, cause you are so young and so pretty, and you deserve this too. Feeling is part of live"- Now it's Jin that pulls me in a comfortable hug.
"I think you two need each other more than you realise"
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