“Noona, let’s talk to him”- Jin suggested. He got a handkerchief out of his pocket and delicately wiped the couple tears that escaped from my eyes away- “He’s just confused… he doesn’t now…”

“So am I”- I say rushing to the exit- “I… I’m so confused”

“But you like him!”- Jin yelled- “Isn’t that the best thing to say now?”

“You don’t understand, you’ll never understand”- I walked to the exit- “Just… knock it off”

I didn’t wanna listen.

I felt drowned, needed air, needed out.

I left the hostel. It was early, not even 7 a.m. The sun hadn’t even risen enough for the light to spread over the ocean. It’s cold, so damn cold, but that didn't kept people from filling the streets, probably too busy too notice how cold it really was. The stoned street had little pools of water that splashed every now and then when people stepped on them. So cold, and at the same time, so void of everything. I no feeling of a body, just the frigid remains of the heart I never used, somewhere in the pits of my soul. There, where I stored and lost the last remains of the feelings. The cold it’s something that just stays, everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Glacial weather surrounding the town besides the sea.

I wander down the pier like a ghost, no will, no destination. The birds surfing the air currents, so delicately that they looked almost motionless. The clouds hide mercilessly the little sun rays that fight to get through them. Storm? Maybe the last snow of the season…

I breath out for the first time since I left the hostel. The air that enters my lungs makes me regain conscious of my tired legs… had I run? The pier is desolated, no more than a couple holding hands while walking in the shore and old lady pushing the swings for her grandson, no worries in their minds, no fear, no illusion to maintain. I sit in the ice-cold bench besides the garbage thin.

It was not a surprise. The house of cards falling keenly.

It was not that I wasn’t expecting it, but I hoped I could maintain the dream a little longer… I wanted to keep being…

Every day since Seunghyun told me about Jimin’s crush on me, I could picture his droopy eyes on me, tearing in sadness and pain… nothing I could’ve dreamed would ever be akin to the real deal. It broke. Everything that could been broken, rested in pieces in my hands right now. His image imprinted like fire in my eyelids: fatigued eyes that seconds ago were irradiating worry and warmness to me, now beamed disbelief, rage and sorrow, all at the same time. Hands clenched to his sides, lip trembling slightly, out of pure anger. Hate. That’s what he felt now. Utter loath. And of course, who would blame him?

The illusion was nice. A month with him. A month watching him, getting closer and closer.

Getting to know Park Jimin.

That someone that every single day, ripped himself to pieces and reassembled anew. To be better, to do better. Early morning hours in a war-camp-like sauna room, mirrors dripping with condensation, sweat and hot breath making them unsuitable to their actual task of reflecting. The simple act of breathing an heavy chore inside the hell of room. Fluid exact movements, repeating to the extent of undoubtedly developing body aches. Nothing of that stoping him from giving 500% percent of what he felt he had to give. 

Impressive. 

Nothing more than rousing. I could feel my blood going through my body just by watching his lump body lay against the wooden floor, chest fighting to pull air into the lungs, trying to get control over his now too-tired-to-even-sit body. I had been watching him for the past hour, destroying his mind and body. It was a spiritual experience, the concentration to not even notice I was there.

“You should’ve told me you were here”- He said after a few minutes

“I tried, I actually came to ask you if you knew were Joonie was…”-I said sitting next to him handing him a bottle of water.

“Really?”- He smiled and accepted the water, drinking it in one go- “Sorry, I didn’t mean to ignore you”

“I know”- We let the silence engulfs us, just a few seconds of him trying to regain the regular rhythm of his breathing. While I watch his well defined arms and the back muscles that sticked to the damped, white tattered excuse for a shirt barely covering his chest. Ripped arms gone limped in the floor and revealing shorts pulled up until tights muscles stops them from going upper. A snapback preventing his medium brown locks of falling in his face. Droopy eyes shut hard and pronounced dark circles… round cheeks and clean sharp jawline that continued straight to the robust muscles of his neck. No make up but sweat, lots of sweat covering his skin.

“Why do you do it?”- I flash out of nowhere. I’m more than shocked to hear my own voice leaving my lips without my permission. It’s something I had been curious about since long ago, hearing the music escaping the dance practice room till early hours in the morning, knowing that the others were long gone. I knew, Jimin was still there, beating himself to pulp.

“What?”- He stared at me, that serious gaze that he only wore while dancing. I decide to go ahead, it’s not like I couldn’t have asked him before, it was just that I knew this was… something sensitive for him. Strings that he might be unwilling to let me touch just yet.

“Practice, this hard… it cannot be healthy, you could get a strain muscle”- I reached to get the discarded towel a few feet away to hand it to him.

“It’s just that it’s not perfect yet. I need it to go perfectly”- His eyes went blankly to the ceiling- “I have to work harder than anyone else”

“Why?”

“Because… well…”- he hesitated a second before looking at me again. Our eyes lock and I can see the wall tumbling down. A tender smile taking over- “because I’m not exactly talented. I mean… It’s not like I’m the best at anything particularly. Hoseok-hyung can both rap and dance perfectly. Kookie is better everyday, he’s even better than me now”-He sighed.

“Umm”- I didn’t feel like I should discourage his declaration, if something, I was curious of what he felt, what he thought, but it made something burn inside.

“I’m not the best looking either”- he continued- “Jin-hyung and Tae got that covered… thank Goodness”- he chuckled derogatorily-  “And Rapmon and Suga-hyung get the music done. And I… well I just want to be useful to the team, but I have to work hard to make it”

“Umm”

“You think is pathetic?”- He laughed halfheartedly-“Not all of us are geniuses. I know what the fans say. I know that if someone would have to be dropped from Bangtan I would be the best choice…”- I simply couldn’t take it anymore. him, dissing all his effort and dismissing everything he had earned with had work.

“Shut up”- I lay down with him- “Don’t even think about it. Bangtan would be over without you”

“You are just saying this without any facts. According to the merchandising department…”- He tried to continue.

“I don’t give a about the merchandising department. By now they would’ve killed each other without you”- my own eyes closing.

“What…?”

“No one else help Jin with daily chores”- I started listing-  “ No one could stop Yoongi’s and Namjoon’s arguments over insignificant things. Kookie and Tae would have probably broke their necks by now if you weren’t slowing them down and Hoseok would have to carry the whole responsibility of teaching the others the choreography of every song, and God knows he’s a bless full soul, but he ain’t no natural teacher…”

“You’ve got a point there”- He chuckled and all the previous seriousness disappeared. 

“You should be more confident about yourself Jiminie”- I bit my lip and decide that if there ever would be a good time to say something aloud, well it was then- “You look amazing when you dance, when you sing… you look amazing because you enjoy it. So don’t loose that, don’t ever loose it. Not for what anyone says.”- I know he’s flushed, so am I, but the I really needed to get it out of my system. I wanted him to know that he… is amazing- “I mean… it’s not bad you, trying to be better, trying to help the team and everything… but stop talking about yourself. You are no less than everyone else…”- He smiled that blinding smile and it took me a few seconds to regain composure- “What I mean is…”- Even before I could think about it, my hand goes straight to his cheek and my fingers trace a path through the bags under his eyes. He does look really tired, but I guess his age is the best advance in this kind of situations... His grasp makes me realise that I kept my hand way too long-“I'm so.. so... rry"- the stutter followed by a not so gracious retrieve of my fingers, and all I can secretly hope is that the pink spreading slowly from my ears to my whole face is blurred by my red scarf which I try to pull as up as I can.

"I like it"- he hums. When I look up, he's smiling... It's not the same blinding smile, it's slightly different- “And I do know what you mean” - he released a heavy breath and pulled himself from the cold wood and walked to the coach to get something from his bag. I can only hide my face between my knees and wait for the heat to lower so I can look at him without laying bare and obvious to his eyes, I try to rub the heat off my cheeks- “Thank you”- He said clear enough for me to hear from where I was, it makes me look up. He has his phone in his hand and he keeps smiling.- “Can I take a picture?”- he was already in front of me when I felt the flash of the camera going on and I look out of reflect- “I still don’t have your IDcall photo”

“I don’t like pictures”- I’ve always had some sort of photographed-phobia. He pouted slightly, but was far from being discouraged so he moved forward.- “I look horrible, please delete…”-I say trying to snatch the cellphone away before he can take a shot, without any luck.

“You look perfect”- He smiles warmly, letting me see the clearness in his eyes, and the world stops. It just stops- “See?”- He says showing me the picture- “Perfect”.

The me in that photo stills amazes me. It’s the pure sincerity in my dark bagged eyes, the tranquil smile resting in my lips, and the comfortable position I was in.

I think that in that moment I knew, Jimin made me… translucent. He made me feel serene, sheer, just being there. The memory of the love in his eyes had appeared in my dreams there forward.

And now, it was gone. Too late. There’s nothing to mend anymore, nothing to repair.

“Was it fun?”

It was, it was so much fun. I got to see much more than I would’ve ever dreamed of him. It felt like heaven walking down the halls and watching him being his cute, energetic, playful self. Wanted to reach to him and hug him and nuzzle him but being just too self aware for it. Swallowing hard when I got flashes of his body, while trying my best to concentrate on the fitting of the clothes, feeling the hotness in the tips of my ears. Listening to his rough raspy voice after a too long recording session and then his high pitched laugh while joking with the others, remembering how his lips bushed against my ears while he tried to calm me down in the hospital, after Nana’s emergency surgery. Watching the dance practices where he transformed into this beast like god, full control over everything he wanted… That stare, melting me away.

I feel the need to cry again, but this time only the pain in my nose and a heavy weight in my eyelids remained. Not a single tear. The sudden realisation of the sun already up enough to break through the storm clouds that made the sky dark, made me realise that time was flying away and it was most certainly near to noon, for the look of it. The cold hasn’t diminished at all, if something, it looked like it would start snowing any minute. The sky was once again, blue greyish and the clouds started spreading with the strong airflow from the horizon. It’s not the best light to be taking pictures with…

The photoshoot… I had actually forgotten. I’m not worried, not with Chanseong taking everything under utterly and complete control. Even if I was there… I would be just another spectator, and I… I’ll be just pestering around, making Jimin uncomfortable. By now, everyone in the staff must know about the argument we had early in the morning and I am in no state to stand the eyes and the whispering… not to answer any questions. Not to talk to him… not to watch Jin’s meaningful attempts to settle everything.

I had been warned, more than once. Taku, Jin, Yoongi, J-hope… even my own 9 years older niece had tried to reason with me… and all I did was shove them aside, directing all the ed up feelings that were developing in the pitch of my stomach to a side and focusing in the only thing I know how to do right in my life: work.

Damn it.

There’s still so much to be done, so much… work. Work has always been the drug I use to silence the heavy buzzing in my ears, numbing me completely and effectively. I have been like this since I have memory, whenever loneliness gets too much to handle, work is always the answer.

“Noona!”- Rapmon called from the production booth not even three days ago- “What’s up?”

“Nothing much, just coming from the underground storage”- I came in the booth and noticed a little lump in the sofa covered from head to toes.

“Suga?”- I asked pointing at the sofa.

“Yeah…”- Namjoon sat in his swivel chair- “He’s exhausted, he wouldn’t make it home so I preferred him crashing here than collapsing somewhere in line 5”- I yawn and sit besides him in the sofa putting Yoongi’s legs on top of mine so I could fit better. I looked at the desktop computer. So many tracks all with different colours… It made no sense (at least to me) how all that info could merge into the great music they made.

“You guys have a death wish? Don’t overwork yourself, or you’ll end up like…”

“you.”- he ended- “ no right to censure us when you are the prime bad example”- he smirked- “God, I haven’t seen you going out of the office in the last 3 days”

“This and that are totally unrelated”- I say pointing at me and then at him- “This, has not finished working, this should be reviewing the last budget. This should go have a cup of coffee to keep on going and that should be resting for tomorrow’”- Suga’s sudden movement startled me, but he didn’t open his eyes, so I thought he was just dreaming.

“I thought someone else did the budget reviews…”- Namjoon slid off the chair and got to the corner where the coffee machine was. The machine started doing buzzing sounds while spurting little drops of coffee to the glass container-“gotta think about starting to delegate some things”

“No way”- I shifted in the sofa trying to get a little more comfortable- “Gotta take this in my hands”

“And I’m, the workaholic…”- He scoffed- “No way I’m the only one with a problem around”

“You are a kid Namjoon”- I say yawning again- “No way you can compare you to me, at your age…”

“You were exactly the same, just that while I’m here, you were in college”- It was a good point… although I did take a large break while traveling… well I never really stopped working but I… -“And even when I’m 4 years younger than you, sometimes I look older”

“She looks like a kid”- Yoongi woke up in the middle of the conversation and I wondered how long had he been listening to us- “because she’s one. Actually, we all look like kids, cause we still are”

“No way, I’m a fully grown up…”- I tried to joke around, but he continued without missing a beat.

“Nah, we are all kids. Very crazy ed up children”- Yoongi got up and stretched his muscles- “We’ve got to be crazy to be in this industry, auto destructive tendencies cropping up from such an early age… and still, we love it. We are really messed up”- Namjoon smirked at this.

“Suga-hyung wakes up with some philosophical and existential problems.”- Namjoon said this giving several spins to his chair- “But it’s true, in this field, the creative field I mean… people tend to have some major in their heads. Loosing a screw or two is normal when you skip sleeping for so long. And when you have to skip some other things too…”

“What do you mean?”- It amazed me how they could get so serious in a matter of seconds.

“It’s not ing healthy to keep this pace for so long, but you and I… well, you, I and noona… this is a great team right here” -Yoongi continued without missing a beat- “Sometimes I believe we are cut from the same cloth, we are crackerjacks ditching things that are important, too willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of good results”- Namjoon snorts at this.

“True enough”- He shifts in the sit- “I mean, when was the last time I called mom? Christ… if Jin-hyung wouldn’t nag me about it I might not even do so”

“No clue”- Yoongi replied without missing a beat- “but sometimes I just think that without the other guys here, I might have drifted away…”

“Everyone needs an anchor to pull back to the ground”- I said smiling.

“Hey girl! Aren’t you cold? It’s freezing out here!”- An ayumma walking her dog tugged in a wooden scarf and a tick coat yelled at me getting me out of dreamworld- “Go home! You are gonna catch a cold! You don’t look good.”

Cold? Oh yeah, probably too much. But, by now all I felt was numbness. I get up stumbling a little. It was more laboured that I thought it would be. My limbs shaking made difficult to walk, but it was rude just to stay there, defying the warm concern in the ayumma’s eyes, so I get to my feet firmly and vow before starting to walk again.

After a few minutes, the road starts to look more like the Seoul ones, full of stores and commercial activity everywhere. People coming and going, purchasing, talking, mumbling, watching. No much more in their minds. 

I don’t know where am I going just yet.

I keep walking the commercial walk until there’s no more left, nothing more than a few houses and the start of the highway.

Could I walk back to Seoul? Probably not, not before my body’ll give up on me.

I’m so tired… everything’s hurting. Everything. 

I haven’t been feeling for the last week or so, brain so stuffed with caffeine and mid meals that almost always ended up gaged away in the bathroom’s toilet. Stomach too weak to work properly, headaches keeping me from resting properly. Constant thoughts hunting me every time I tried to fall asleep. Pretending to be ok, pretending to eat and exercise to keep everyone calm… thick make up to cover the dark bags under my eyes, wearing the same clothes were I could feel them hanging way too much, not enough body left to fill them up.

“You like gopchang” - He smiled while I was taking a bite. It was past 11, and the guys had order take out from the nearby restaurant so they had called me to share.

“Yeah”- I blushed. Gopchang is not the kind of food everyone likes, but for me is one of the things that  makes me remember home, since we eat it too in Colombia.

“It’s the first time I’ve seen you enjoying eating this month”- Jimin sighed- “It’s kind of relieving”

“What?”

“You always look like thinking about other things when you are eating…”- he leaned nearer and served more in my plate- “Usually, you leave food in your plate”

“Really?” - I looked into my plate- “I guess I haven’t noticed…”

“You are always working, always pushing yourself.” - His voice low- “Noona, you have to eat, you have to rest too… I’m worried”

“… I’m fine Jiminie”- I’ve repeated it enough to start believing it, but something in his voice made me tremble. 

“Please, just try to go sleep on your own bed”

“I… today I… have to finish the m/v proposal and the next…”

“Please”- The look on his eyes, almost like if he was the one hurting.

“Ok”

Anchor. Someone that pulls you back to earth.

“I really love you”

I know. I know he really did.

By now I had confirmed it. 

I showed him all my ugly sides: my horrible temper, the auto destructive tendencies, the dirty mouthed caffeine addict, full of messy remains of a women. and yet he still liked me…

How come? How can… someone like him… like this…

God. I don’t even like myself… how could he look at me with those full of cherish eyes. Him, the one that was too preoccupied with me to even care about his image. The one that embraced me while sleeping, while I knew I needed it.

“I… didn’t think you’d wake up before me. I thought I could sneak out before you opened your eyes… you were… trembling, and you looked so uncomfortable… and I wanted to… I thought I could…”

I knew, I know.

I know… you loved me.

He wants to ease me, he wants to help me.

“Miss?”- a man walking by me stops.

No surprise, I knew it, I could succeed. I knew I could drift him away, and I finally did. A real well done work. I managed to smack his heart to the floor and trample on it. Squeeze it till it bleed… I hurt him.

“Miss, are you ok?”

Every smile, every laugh, every word ever said, ever shared… going to waste.

I feel my stomach agitating, cold sweat sliding down my back. So wet, soaked. Shortness of breathing. How long have I been trembling like this?

“Miss!”

“Noona”- His voice resonating in the walls of my empty self. How many times did he called me like that?  Would he ever call me…? Could I ever share a meal with him, with them? Would… he ever… held me while sleeping? Teasing sunny puffs in my neck… sweet wood-like herbal sent, so familiar. Home like, natural like, Jimin like.

Would he even look at me again? What if… what if… 

“Miss…”

It feels heavy, tired. Several deep breaths making me shiver when the air came in my lungs, heart was racing shooting blood everywhere. A sudden surge of adrenaline that lasted a second or two before dissipating suddenly enough for making breathing an uphill battle. Every step taking more and more effort, jolts of pain shooting through all my body, jaw and eyes clenching closed to keep me from loose balance.

White noise messing up with my senses. Muscles giving up on my weight.

How come I can’t feel pain at all? How come everything hurts, but nothing feels real?

Sounds drifting away. Eyes too heavy to keep open.

“Call an ambulance!”

I’ll die.

I’ll really die.

Thick silence, no one to soothe, no one to pull me down to reality. Din of silence.

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More drama... love drama XD. Sorry, for taking so damn long to update but my life had been going like a crazy derailed train. Thank you for reading, don't forget to subscribe and comment XD. Love all of you... also: I'm not doing the fangirl corner till Jiminie's birthday cause I'm working in something big, so I'll just post the huuuugeeee project on the 13th. Look forward for it! XD.