Let it come, let it come

The day

when hearts loves like one

Let it come, let it come

The day

when hearts love as one

화양영화 pt. 1 Mini Album (grey vers) Page 10

“Hey!”- Hoseok salutes from the edge of the pier. I wave back- “Noona, let’s get going! Don't stay behind! Let’s go have a good time in the pool“

It’s not like I can help it, I’m really tired, I’m drained. It’s been a hell of a long day and there’s been some… details  that made it even nastier. Even when my mood was so much better after having stablished in my room and the temperature decided to go down a little, I still had been under a lot of pressure. 

Still, I enjoyed the view. Jimin and the others having as much fun as they could in this so planned weekend of vacations, the hotel, the food, the pool yeah, they filmed well for a while but when Changseon said it was enough footage, they started throwing staff in the pool too) and even the zoo(I couldn’t get near Jimin, he looked like a freaking pre-schooler in that attire) were great experiences to all of us. 

I’m blessed, and I know it.

It’s night time, but we’ve decided to take our swimming suits and go to the pool.

Jimin splashing water, playing happily with Hobi, Tae and Kookie while I lie down under the palm three with Suga, Rapmonie and Jin, in another one of our so called talk circles. 

It was hot, all day long. Humidity rising every hour and the sun glowed at the maximum, but at night, the breeze was making me have the chills.

“So… after all, we won first place”- Rapmon says looking to the sky in between his fingers- “it’s amazing, isn’t it?”

“We’ve worked our asses off”- Suga replies nonchalantly- “it was about time”

“You speak like other people hasn’t work their asses off as well”- Jin says, no poison in his words, just pure relaxation- “it’s because we have such a good team that back us up so much and ARMY’s are working so hard too… it’s really some good luck we have on our side.”

“It’s not only that… we’ve been in a really long journey to get here…”- We all know that sort of tone Rapmon uses when he’s about to spill his brains out, and I’m seriously not in the mood to hear the long monologue.

“So we’ve gather here to evaluate the list of reasons you got 1st place?”- I snort- “really? here? under the sky of Kota Kanibalu and a cocktail that does not have neither the contain of alcohol nor the right taste to go on in this philosophical journey?”

“Do you have something else to propose as a theme of conversation?”- Yoongi’s voice, full of amusement- “do you want us to start analysing your potential relationship with certain brunette?”

“Yoongi… don’t go there”- warns Jin.

“Why not?!”- he says- “They’re a happy couple now. God knows they needed it… she has those panic attacks and Jimin… well he’s Jimin, there’s always something he’s fighting with”

“What do you mean with that?”- I ask, they look at each other like it’s something wrong with me not knowing what they are talking about. Namjoon clears his throat in an attempt to give time to the other two to decide who’ll have to tell me, and betray Jimin’s confidence since they know me enough to know I would never let them off the hook without telling me something.

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence Jin sighs and with the soundless voice he can make sure to use, he says under hi breath.

“It’s his little brother”- Jin comments- “he’s going through some trouble with school back in Busan. Jihun is not going to classes anymore and Jimin… well he feels so impotent cause he’s never there… and his mom calls him crying…”

Ok, I didn’t know. I didn’t know at all. I didn’t even… know Jimin had a younger brother, I hadn’t heard about it. Ever.

“When did it started?”- I’m so startled my eyes automatically goes to Jimin who is having a good swim grabbed to a duck-shaped float, lost in thoughts but smiling naturally, just like he always does.

“It’s been a while, but the last few months have been the worst”- Jin continues- “He’s been through a lot”

“I didn’t know”- suddenly, Jimin’s eyes drift to meet mine. I stare right back, until I feel the same his eyes starting to go deeper and deeper, like he’s developing layer by layer my train of thoughts.

It’s always dangerous, especially cause he has the ability to understand exactly what I feel… and this time, I don’t want him to see through… me.

There’s this…. thing that’s been bothering me.

The past few days I’ve been trying to understand, understand his stand when it comes to me, when it comes to us. But on any perspective that I try to analyse, I keep on coming to the same conclusion: Our relationship seems to be much more about me than about us. 

The thing is that  since I am the most unstable between us, it’s obvious I should be the centre of it, at least while I’m better (or so had said my psychiatrist). But… for me, the whole situation is guiding me to a simple result: the uncertainty of not knowing the person I love. It has come to the point where I find myself in the middle of this kinds of conversations (it’s not the first time) being clueless of the background of it all. 

It’s not like I can avoid being cut from parts of his life, it’s not like I can ask him to include me and tell me about all his problems, I don’t have any right to do so…

But beyond all the reasons he might have (there are a lot)… I can’t help but feeling I am just a random person freeloading in his life.

“It’s getting cold”- I manage to say between my thoughts. Tracing my fingers in the fabric of the thick blue navy hotel towel and wrapping my arms tighter on it- “I guess I’m getting old already”- I feign a laugh that I think helped release the tension- “I should go to sleep now”

“Shouldn’t you call Jiminie?”- Jin suggests and makes his move towards the pool. I grab his shoulder and make him sit again.

“Let him enjoy the night”- I say, voice trembling slightly- “I’m just gonna go and sleep”

“Isn’t he gonna make sure you sleep well? Like every night”- Suga says rising an eyebrow- “Cold isn’t something you must worry about”- it’s a remark you’d expect from Yoongi, seriously… but somehow it makes me loose my cool, the intended second meaning making my blood boil.

I get up and make my leave in the middle of burning cheeks and throbbing feelings. I get out of the pool area walking slightly more quickly, knowing that by now, I’m far enough for them not to have followed me.

It’s kind of awful, that thing in between my ribs. The knowledge and admittance of all those feelings that he makes me feel. Love, insecurity, bounds, warmness, vulnerability… How is it even possible? 

I… would really want to know everything that goes on in his live.

I’m possessive.

I… wanna know.

“Are you ok?”- it startled me at first but it’s not like I wasn’t expecting him to come after me. Jimin’s voice is always soothing, always nice.

“Yeah”- I answer as fast as I can, stopping immediately so he can come closer- “I’m just a little tired, I’ll go to sleep. Tomorrow we have a little bit of separate schedules so… try and get some rest too”

“You ok?”- his hands leaving the exposed sides of his body to run down my cheeks- “I… thought you were just mad at me, for this morning”

“I’m not mad”- I say nipping my lip- “I’m just…”- it’s actually a mixture of feeling at this point. There’s the want, the need to have him besides me, but there’s also something that stops me. And that’s the stupid feeling of being a numb presence in his life- “tired”

“Ok, go have a good rest”- he says pulling up my chin so I see him in the eye- “Kiss”

“Jimin…”- I say shoving him and flushing red- “Stop making me do this things out of the blue”- and I know he’ll be somehow taken aback cause I’ve never, ever rejected him.

“Ok, I’m sorry”- he says softer this time- “I know the heat is making this rotten mood of yours but… please… call me in the morning, ok?”

“Mmm”- I peck him in the cheek, trying hard not to swallow too loudly so he would feel it. 

“I’ll take you to your room”- He says. I know nothing I can come up with would make him change his mind so I let him grip my hand and guide me into the tower of rooms. We get in the elevator. It’s late, maybe 2 am and that’s why the silence is heavier than usual, and that’s why I can hear so clearly the beat of y heart-“Noona… you’d tell me if there’s something wrong, wouldn’t you?”- he says again while the elevator trembled under our feet- “You would tell me, right?… did you take the pills?”

“I’m not gonna have another panic attack…”- probably. I know he worries, and he has every reason to do, but I want him to feel… save? around me?- “I… I just feel drained”- he bends a little and puts our foreheads together.

“I love you”- he whispers and pecks my nose- “Just… love you”

“I know…I love you too Park Jimin”- It’s true, nothing would ever make me feel like it is not. I love him, and that’s why I’m so scared of everything I feel. 

And I feel a lot.

Cause hell…

I feel like he’s hiding me something, everything.

I feel like he won’t ever open up completely, in fear I’ll break, in fear I won’t be able to handle his and my problems all together. And I kind of understand him… but I hate that this relationship it’s just all about me. Him, taking care of my needs, of my illness, of my insecurities…. what about him? what about his troubles, his uncertainty and all of what he has been through. 

Would I ever know?

____________________

The morning was plain busy. From the very start I assigned myself to be as far as I could from the boat and moved to Manukan Island while leaving Changseon in charge of the “extreme sports on water” filming… I have always hated boats and being in one was not making me feel any better.

I got to Manukan Island in need of an motion-sickness drug and a couple of good cups of black coffee but alive, and I tried my best not to get too overworked cause I knew in the state of health I was I could trigger an attack just by doing something that overload my senses.

It wasn’t a pretty morning, it had been a while since I felt that sick, but miraculously the set that Changseon chose had a cottage and a nice bed. So I supervised the setting of the cameras and tried not to move much.

Around four hours later Bangtan arrived to the island and the photoshoot started without delays. I noticed Jimin’s stare on me trying to lure me out of there to talk, but I know that I’m in no condition to talk or be around him, at least for now. After lunch there were just a few rounds of shootings to go and with that I felt my whole body starting to tense up, just imagining that I had to board a boat again.

“You ok noona?”- Rapmon was besides me waiting for his turn- “you seem… pale”

“Yeah”

“Really?”

“Mmm”

 “You should get out and have some air”- he placed a hand around my shoulder and guided me out. And then, I realised the reason why Namjoon was almost pushing me off the cottage. Jimin was there, walking around the sidewalk in a quick pace and as soon as he saw me he went directly at my side. 

“You look so pale”- he repeated the words from Namjoon- “are you ok?”

“I’ve had motion sickness since morning”- I said a little annoyed but before I could said that he shouldn’t worry so much, he was grabbing me tightly into a bear hug and sighing deeply.

He said nothing more, but after a few seconds he dragged me to a hammock hanging in between two tall palm threes.  

“Let’s get a nap”- he says making it comfortable for me to sit between his thighs- “I missed you last night, and you've been practically avoiding me since morning. I had to kidnap you to get 5 ing minutes of your expensive time”- Maybe he was right, I have been avoiding him, so I would try and have a normal conversation with him, just to make it look that I’m ok.

“Language young man... and I missed you too“- it's not like my nerves are any better, but I do need my own fix of Jimin- “but actually, I did rest well last night, it was just the boat…“

“So I'm not needed anymore?“-He wines.

“Are you just my pillow?“- I breath his aroma that mixes so well with the sea- “Then yes, you are dismissed"

"You are so mean, I wanted to hear sweet words"

"I'm not the kind"- I reply dryly- "You like a sharped tongued woman"

"God... you really are the complete opposite of what I say ‘my ideal type’ is on tv shows"

"Of course I am"- I snuggle to his side and make him almost fall off the hammock- "I'm sooo much better"

"That's aegyo... it sooo not fits you, sharped tongued woman"- he says so, but I can hear the smile in his voice.

It's been quite a while since I've been in a beach as beautiful as this one. Back in Colombia, I used to go on some vacations near the sea, but since I came to Korea... well it's been more than 4 years since my skin has feel the sun, and the breeze of the sea. The sky that looks like it's been painted, barely brush blues and different tones of yellows and reds mixed altogether perfectly. Words can't really describe. It's so beautiful, everything. And here I am, making the worse out of the good… while I should be having a vacation, just hanging in the hammock without any other trouble. It's hot, but the sea wind makes it bearable and the contact of our skins isn't as uncomfortable as yesterday. God… Just how much Park Jimin can make me feel better? I feel so much better now with him at my reach.

He shifts a little keeping both hands gripping my hips so I won't fall off the hammock, but I do have to accommodate to fit the new setting of his body. I fall back in his arms and take a big breath.

"You've been silent"- I say looking up and meeting his eyes.

"It's good, like this, isn't it?"-he says in my ear, voice soft against the skin of my neck, it makes waves of goosebumps creep up my arms.

“I don’t like when you are silent”- I say seriously, and it’s partly cause I alway wanna know what it’s in his head.

“Why?”

“Because I feel like you are mad at me, like a month ago”- I reply. Part of me knowing that I should just say what I really feel-“It’s scary, it feels wrong”

“I’m not mad”- he says- “I’m just having a lot of thoughts”

“About…?”

“About us”- I wasn’t expecting that answer and somehow it creeped me out- “There’s something that keeps coming in my head and I don’t know how to say it to you”

"W... what?"- I get up so quickly that my feet stumps in Jimin's sandals and I end up falling backwards in the floor. 

"U ok? Oh ma God. Why did ya jump like that?"- He says panicking a little too much- "Ya ok?"

"What do you mean with something?!"- I snap.

“No… nothing… there’s nothing”- he stutters- “I… just come and sit again. Please?”- and there it is, the moment when I feel I'm made of crystal. The look on his eyes, the carefulness of his words, like he has to filtrate every little thing that goes through his lips, through his expression. It makes me remember that I'm that minefield, that he's walking barefoot always afraid to step in the wrong place, step into something that might blew and screw everything. And it makes me feel like nothing will ever be alright between us, that he's gonna be walking that minefield forever and that I...- "Stop"- his voice guiding me back to reality- "Whatever you are thinking about, just stop"- I notice my hands are shaking and so are my lips. What have I been thinking? I need to stop, just like he said.

"I'm so sorry"- I get up from the floor in one quick move and turn my heels to the house before he can see the more than obvious distress that's currently making my heart painfully plump more than half blood to my chest.

"Come here, don’t run away again”- his voice traveling sweetly through the wind and even when it's not an order, his voice is still firm and full of caring- "Don't leave"- I feel him getting up and I can't stop myself from trying to move, but he grabs my hand into his so sweetly, intertwining fingers one by one- "Yesterday you left without saying a thing and... I had these horrible thoughts that made me stay up all night long"- I stare at him and, there are marks under his eyes that proves the veracity of his words.

“Minnie…”

“So just… don’t leave. I really need…”- he stops so suddenly that my heart stops with his breath- “I mean… I…”- it's nothing much, but the flinch in his lips made me understand he's doing it again, carefully trying not to break me, not to put a burden on me.

“I hate when you do that”- I say. 

"What?"- he says without releasing my hand- "Caring?"

"No... you stop whatever you want to say”- I look in his eyes- “you, treating me like I'm made out of crystal"

"But you are!"- he explodes, his hands gripping my wrist a little more firmly, face going redder by the second- "I... can't seem to get what you want me to say, or what I can say and your brain keeps extracting everything little thing I say and it's like if I use the wrong connector, or the wrong choice of words, you'll just over analyse the whole thing and blame everything on yourself...  I see it on your eyes. I’m honestly trying to get used to it, I’m really trying to help you through this… but God… I’m so useless, so stupid… I can’t even help the people I love.”

“You are helping me!”- now it’s him turning around so I can’t see him-“Stop it!”

“Then why?!”- he yells- “why do I feel like I only make you feel worse and give you problems…? I always do something, or say something that bothers you. I’m always impulsive and I talk too much and… you need someone intelligent like Rapmonie-hyung or Yoongi-hyung, not the dumb and pathetic me…”

“Stop…!"- I say, tears threatening to fall, I face him and notice the veins threatening to plop out, he must be really distressed about this- “I…”- I tiptoe and put my arms around his neck making him low his head enough to whisper in his ear- “love you”- the silence that follows is tense, but I can feel him relaxing in my embrace- “I can’t take it when you speak so ill of yourself, cause you are the only one that could’ve ever made the miracle of pulling me to my own two feet”- I press myself into his chest feeling the effort he does to release that choking air that he’s been holding the entire time. Jimin closes his eyes and leans in my embrace while I his hair.- "I love you"- I repeat over and over, until he’s not gripping my shirt so tightly- “I don’t wanna make you feel unloved or unneeded… God… only God knows how much I need you Jimin… but I want you to need me too. I don’t want this relationship to be about me, about my panic attacks, or about my insecurities… I want us to be… here for each other”- I sigh and take a deep breath- “I want to know about you too, I wanna know about your brother and your family, I wanna meet them and I wanna… I just wanna be with you always”

“I love you too”- voice smaller than usual. We hear from somewhere in the background how people start clapping and we know they are done with the photoshoot. I take Jimin’s hand and guide him to the beach, don’t wanting any interruption us.- “How did u know about my brother…?”

“Seokjin… mentioned it”- silence pools over and makes me 

“This is so… embarrassing”- he says sitting in the warm sand- “I don’t want to show you this side of me, it’s not the person you need me to be”

“But I wanna know every side of you”

He lies down, letting his head and limbs stretch in the soft yellow sand. I sit at his side and let him think, let him process everything he wants to say.

His eyes shutting down under the weight of his arm and I watch him. Perfect golden skin under the fade red light that accentuates his muscles.

“First I wanna know why you left yesterday”- he says looking to the slowly fading ball of fire in the horizon. I hesitate for a while, but as I had thought yesterday, he demanded trust and I wanted that same. I had to start somewhere so he could… understand.

“It’s… you. I felt left behind cause Jin and Namjoon and Yoongi knew… they know you better than I do. And it makes me feel terrible cause I want to know about your family and your background, and all that hunts you at night and doesn’t let you sleep, and I wanna help you through it too”- he nods in understatement so I continue- “Jimin… I need you to understand. I really want this to work… But everything is against us. My condition, your fear of triggering it, our mutual mistrust… and It’s so damn scary, this feeling I have. Love? it must be love, cause even when I know it’s so much easier to give up and run… I wanna try so much harder. I wanna have everything of you. I want everything”- I blush- “I can’t seem to… get you out of my head all day, everyday, even in my dreams”

“It’s the same for me”- he sits down and leans on my shoulder.

“I’ve never felt this before”- I blush harder and I burry myself turning our bodies so I can hide my burning cheeks in the crook of his neck- “When you went with me to the hospital, when my niece was sick… I think I fell in love with you, right in that moment”

“Mmm”- he mumbles and my hair gently.

“It was the gentle you, the caring… I needed that”- I say- “There’s no one as sweet as you, and in my bitter life… you came just in the right moment. And yes, I fell for that side of you… But now… It’s different, cause I really, really, really… want everything. Your craziness, your ridiculous and your imperfect sides. I want your swollen face, your fluffy hair and even your morning breath. Jimin… I want you… all”

“I do too”- he reaches up again and looks at me, blushing deeply- “maybe much more than you do”- he sighs and his hand reaches over to my shoulder plates where the simple brush of his knuckles are enough to make goosebumps arise everywhere- “I… I love you, you know that don’t you?”- I nod- “It’s something that I have thought about for some time…”

“I’m not gonna freak out”- I say looking at his eyes- “I promise”

“… I mean… you are you and… I have no idea what to do whenever you come to me at night and… don’t know what you expect me to do, and I get nervous when… you… touch me…”- Another deep silence, musicalised only by the waves that are hitting the shore, getting nearer and nearer.

“I don’t expect anything”- I say honestly- “I can’t say I haven’t thought about it but… I have no experience on this and…”- I know my cheeks are burning, but I do want to talk about it, talk about everything and nothing, I want to know all the things that he has in his mind.

“I swear… I would never touch you, not if you don’t want me to. But I’m no saint either. I love everything, everything about you”- voice softly drifting in my skin- “But now… that we talk about this. I can’t even begin to explain how… ing happy I am knowing you haven’t been touched by anyone else. And YES, I wanna be the first, I want to.”

“I know… I really do”- I hug back- “I love you Jimin, but it scares me how much I do, in such little time… do you feel the same?”

“Love is a strange thing”- he kisses the crown of my head and then my forehead- “I… my brother he’s been revealing against my parents. They have it hard cause they gotta work all day long and”- he says, hands clenched to my back- “My mom and dad are doing everything they can. But we all know he’s doing this cause it gets to me. Jihun… he’s always being very close to me, but since I moved to Seoul, well I can’t be there for him. I know he’s doing this to attract my attention but… I can’t go back to be his hyung, I can’t live with him and… It kills me”

“Thank you”- I say running my hands on his sides- “for telling me”

“Thank you for telling me too”- he pushes me a little so we can see in each others eyes- “cause I wanna know what goes on in your head, not just imagine”- I flush furiously- “I want you to be the first”

“I’m not ready, not yet”

“I’ll wait”- smile reaching his eyes and I don’t fight the urge to caress his cheeks- “now, can I sleep in the arms of my girl?”

“Yes”-I say reaching up to tangle my fingers at the nape of his neck and pulling him down for a kiss- “Kiss me senseless, boyfriend”- I feel him grinning in the kiss and I smile back. I can’t be more lucky to have this person, so into me… I wonder what good have I ever done for this to happen to me.

Especially now that I have the plain certainty that there’s something that will hold us together, and that we will make it.

After that, Taehyung found us in the beach and made us walk to the pier to take the boat. The sole thought of the waving ship made me nauseous, but Jimin’s hand in my back make it so much more bearable than the arrival ride.

In the end, we enjoy the last day in Kota Kinabalu, free time declared after the excruciating hot filming in the docks. So when night comes, I get dressed (yes I dressed up for my date) and go bar hunting with all the staff and Bangtan too. We watch as everyone make fools out of themselves after drinking too much piña coladas and rum cocktails. It’s nice and I… we have a lot of fun, and it has much to do with the fact that everyone in our small circle is always trying to make us (Jimin and I) do all kind of bizarre couple things. 

“You should drink something”- I say in his ear when midnight comes near. I can’t have anything cause of the medicine I’m taking, but I wan’t him to have a good time with everyone.

“Nah”- he says waving the idea away- “If you can’t then I won’t either”

Things like this, just watching how considerate he is with this little gestures makes me fall deeper and deeper. And of course, this is the moment where all I can say is I don’t know where this relationship is going to, I don’t know if there’s a future for us, all I know is that everything I feel, that he makes me feel… well it’ll be stored, in my heart as my first real love.

After JImin made sure all the members went back securely to their beds, we end up tangled in bed (my room) watching movies and laughing at everything. Him, near by my side is all I need, all I want. I want all of Park Jimin and I'm not afraid to say so.

I feel full. Full of love, full of live. Full of feelings for him, for myself. 

And while I watch his eyes shutting down after a bit too long day, I can say it:

I’m never gonna love anyone as I love Park Jimin.

__________________________________

Sorry for taking so long, I've been having a little of an internal fight with the writer inside of me (there was cero inspiration)... Did everyone enjoyed Christmas and had a good vacation? I'm just happy cause from now on I'll be able to have more time to dedicat on writting. This is not the end of the story, but we are approaching it XD.

As the next project I'm thinking on doing a Yoongi centered one... Don't know yet, but I'll figure it out soon!! Hope you all like this chapter. XOXO.